Is regular STI testing equally important in a closed polyfidelitous relationship?

If you're only having sex with your partners and your partners are only having sex with you and each other, is it still important for you and your partners to get tested regularly?

If the group is entirely closed - if Anna only has sex with Ben and Carter and Dana, and Ben only has sex with Anna and Carter and Dana, and Carter only has sex with Anna and Ben and Dana, and Dana only has sex with Ben and Anna and Carter - then no, regular testing is less critical.

Everyone should be tested yearly as part of an annual checkup (or talk to their sexual healthcare provider about what’s best for them), and everyone should have up-to-date test results at the beginning of the relationship. As long as everyone is on the same page with regards to safety, boundaries, and the nature of the relationship, it functions STI-risk-wise the same as a monogamous relationship between two people.

But if things change in any way - if Carter has sex with Samantha - then everyone needs to be tested regularly.

I don't know how to tell my doctor that I've opened my marriage

I'm married and poly. My husband and I recently opened up our relationship, and I've started seeing someone. My actual concern is that I have my yearly checkup this month, and I'm not sure how to bring it up with my doctor. I know it's really important information to share with them, but I'm honestly a little nervous about bringing it up because I don't know how they'll respond. I made a mention to one of the nurses once a couple of years ago while discussing birth control that I might have sex with someone other than my husband in the future because I'm not mono, and she looked at me like I had two heads. I have a pretty hard time articulating what I want to say when I go to the doctor already, but this is something totally new for me. Do you have any advice on how to approach the subject?

It’s not necessarily critical that your doctor have all this information - they just need to know what’s relevant to your health, especially your sexual health. If you ask for an STI screening and they say “oh, that isn’t recommended/necessary for people who are married,” you can say that your circumstances are unique and leave it at that.

If you want to tell them, it’s fine to just be blunt and matter-of-fact: “I’d like to update my ‘sexual history’ since I filled out my patient forms. My husband and I have opened our relationship, and I now have multiple sexual partners, who may themselves have multiple sexual partners. We use [protection method]. I just wanted to make sure you knew that so we can discuss my health in an accurate context.”

If you’re worried, you can print something out or write something down to bring to your appointment. You can also email your doctor or call their office ahead of time if that makes you more comfortable. Check out this article about how to talk to your doctor about polyamory for some extra resources. And if you have health concerns that you really need to address in a context of safety and knowledge around polyamory, check out the poly friendly professionals index of healthcare providers.

my boyfriend is polyamorous, and I’m very open to the idea! In fact I’m glad that he was so open about it. I’ve been open to the idea for a long while, and while I’m ok with it, but there’s just one thing. I’m not sure how I feel about him having sex with others? I worry about STDs and I worry about what he’ll think of me. I feel like I’m in no place to talk about this, he’s very kind and loving, I’m just not sure what to do

I definitely don’t want to seem like I’m downplaying your concerns, but I do want to say that concern about STDs is one of the “best” things to have as your “one issue” - because it’s really solvable. This is a realistic, responsible, mature, and clear problem to have - it’s not a messy tangle of emotions. And it has specific solutions.

1.) Mandate condom use for all partners. This should be a non negotiable. Your boyfriend absolutely needs to use condoms with all of his partners, all of the time. If you don’t trust him to do this, you cannot be polyamorous with this man.

2.) Get tested for STDs every 3 months. Be open with your healthcare provider about your relationship practices, and find one who is safe and non judgmental. Look after yourself! Mandate that your boyfriend also get tested frequently.

3.) Accept some level of risk. Almost all fun things worth doing carry some kind of risk. Even with condoms and regular testing, you still may get an STD. Most are treatable. If this is something you absolutely cannot accept the risk of, you cannot be polyamorous.  

As for worrying what he’ll think of you, that’s not clear enough for me to give specific advice. Are you worried he’ll compare your naked body/sexual prowess to other people? (He probably won’t. And if he does, he’s not worth dating.) Are you worried he’ll see you as somehow more ‘disposable’ or less worthy of respect if you’re OK with him having sex with other people? (He probably won’t. And if he does, he’s not worth dating.)

Good luck, have fun, stay safe, and consider supporting your local Planned Parenthood! <3