My boyfriend doesn't want to see me after I have sex with someone else

I’m with my boyfriend and this is the first open relationship for the both of us. He doesn’t want to see me after I go to a sex party or go out with someone else. Should I be concerned that this isn’t working for him? I don’t have a similar rule; I’d prefer to see him the next day after he does out with someone so I can hear about or just cause I miss him when we’re apart. He says it’s cause of STIs even though I always ask my partners about testing and use a condom with men and we both already have HSV-1 and HPV. Not sure how to react to his absence after I go out and it makes me feel bad.

It's pretty common for humans to be 'squicked out' by things that aren't entirely rational, but are strong enough that we can't reason ourselves out of it. The disgust response is one of our deepest survival instincts. I got a similar letter about a similar problem last year. So it's very possible that this is just a quirk of your partner's feelings about the world, and not evidence that he's judging you for the way you conduct yourself in this open relationship.

Sometimes, two partners can be in an open relationship and just have different levels on enthusiasm for things like sex parties and active partner-seeking. It could also be the case that he's uncomfortable with something and is channeling that discomfort into a boundary around seeing each other after sex. Your best bet is to ask him!

Make room for him to be honest: ask him whether it bothers him that you're having sex with other people, whether he feels threatened or unsafe by anything, and what he needs from you to feel okay. Let him know that if he really is okay with the way you two are conducting the relationship, he just prefers to leave a time barrier between things, you want to hear that in the affirmative - and if he isn't okay with the way things are, you want to hear about that!

If it comes out that he really is bothered by something else, figure out what to do there. If he genuinely just wants a time buffer around sex parties, figure out how to manage that. You two may have different comfort levels around sharing details and seeing each other after sex with other partners. Your job is to figure out whether there is a compromise you're willing to make - plan to go without his company for a day or so if you want to attend a sex party - or whether this is a dealbreaker for you that needs to be addressed another way. 

my boyfriend is polyamorous, and I’m very open to the idea! In fact I’m glad that he was so open about it. I’ve been open to the idea for a long while, and while I’m ok with it, but there’s just one thing. I’m not sure how I feel about him having sex with others? I worry about STDs and I worry about what he’ll think of me. I feel like I’m in no place to talk about this, he’s very kind and loving, I’m just not sure what to do

I definitely don’t want to seem like I’m downplaying your concerns, but I do want to say that concern about STDs is one of the “best” things to have as your “one issue” - because it’s really solvable. This is a realistic, responsible, mature, and clear problem to have - it’s not a messy tangle of emotions. And it has specific solutions.

1.) Mandate condom use for all partners. This should be a non negotiable. Your boyfriend absolutely needs to use condoms with all of his partners, all of the time. If you don’t trust him to do this, you cannot be polyamorous with this man.

2.) Get tested for STDs every 3 months. Be open with your healthcare provider about your relationship practices, and find one who is safe and non judgmental. Look after yourself! Mandate that your boyfriend also get tested frequently.

3.) Accept some level of risk. Almost all fun things worth doing carry some kind of risk. Even with condoms and regular testing, you still may get an STD. Most are treatable. If this is something you absolutely cannot accept the risk of, you cannot be polyamorous.  

As for worrying what he’ll think of you, that’s not clear enough for me to give specific advice. Are you worried he’ll compare your naked body/sexual prowess to other people? (He probably won’t. And if he does, he’s not worth dating.) Are you worried he’ll see you as somehow more ‘disposable’ or less worthy of respect if you’re OK with him having sex with other people? (He probably won’t. And if he does, he’s not worth dating.)

Good luck, have fun, stay safe, and consider supporting your local Planned Parenthood! <3