my partner and i are poly. we broke up for a while and got back together. while we were apart she acquired a partner that she didn’t tell me about. the betrayal makes me uncomfortable now that i’ve found out (months later) and my condition for staying in a relationship with her is that she stop this relationship with the other person until i’m comfortable with it. she says i’m being unreasonable and leaving her with a hard choice. I have a hard time not saying tough titties. am i being crazy?

This is a tricky one. When people are broken up, they don’t have any obligations to the other person (beyond the obligations we have to be decent to all people). But once you got back together, if she still didn’t tell you about this new partner immediately, that’s a problem.

Situations like this are one reason why clarity about the terms of your relationship is so key. If you two had clearly established an arrangement where you’d be open with each other about who else you were seeing, this is a betrayal akin to cheating in a monogamous relationship. But if you never explicitly said that keeping another partner a secret wasn’t okay, things get trickier - at least from her perspective.

That said, I’m of the opinion that keeping something secret makes it inherently not kosher. Lying, lying by omission, hiding, sneaking, etc. have zero place in healthy relationships. And you are totally within your rights to feel uncomfortable with this. I think your demand is very reasonable - taking a mulligan on that relationship and letting you have some time to get comfortable with it like you wish you’d had the opportunity to do the first time around.

But even if I didn’t agree, or just because someone else wouldn’t feel the same way in your situation, that wouldn’t mean you’re “crazy.” You are totally entitled to your feelings, and you have a right to set terms for relationships that are healthy for you. If you’re uncomfortable with something, don’t stand for it. 

My advice is to stick to your guns. You’ve set a clear boundary with your partner. She can choose to honor it and work things out with you, or she can decide not to. That’s on her - it’s not a reflection of whether you’re “crazy” or not.

My husband is having some issues with finding a partner and I am not. I feel really guilty going out when he is staying home having an anxiety attack because I am out. I wind up not having any fun even though I know poly is the right choice for me.

This is actually a common issue for poly folks, and is the dark flip side of compersion. But, like most things in polyamory, it comes down to the core issues of communication and trust.

Be clear and open with your husband about how you’re feeling. Say that you’re having a hard time enjoying yourself on dates because you feel guilty about leaving him at home. Then ask him how he feels about this situation.

If he says that yes, he is frustrated or sad about the imbalance there, then maybe it’s time for you to take a break from the dating and plan some quality time with him. If he’s comfortable, you could even help him meet some people - coaching through online dating, finding local Meetups, things like that.

Or, he may laugh it off, saying that he’s not bothered by the imbalance and that he enjoys having some evenings to himself. In that case, it becomes a question of trust. You need to trust him that he’s telling you the truth, and respect that whatever your anxious mind may be projecting isn’t really how he feels. Go out, enjoy yourself, and be grateful that you’re coming home to a relaxed and accepting husband!

Hi, I’m a mono fallen for a poly. He has a long-term primary partner and is interested in adding another primary relationship with me. I like him a lot, so I’m trying whether this can work for me (I’m still a little unsure whether it’s possible for me to be poly). I haven’t met his primary partner yet, but it feels that it’s time to do so. So here’s my question: Do you have any advice how to best get to know your lover’s primary?

What a lovely question! I think you’re going into this with the perfect attitude. Too often, I see people who identify as mono approach poly relationships with a sort of self-blinding enthusiasm, trying to stamp out all apprehensiveness and run shrieking into it. Or, I see them go into it entirely reluctantly, expecting it to fail miserably, but trying it out for the sake of their partner. You seem to have a healthy balance of open-mindedness and self-awareness. So major kudos for that.

To answer your actual question: like you’d meet anyone else, basically! Do something low-key that lets you talk comfortably, like meeting for a meal. Restaurants are neutral ground, as well, which is good - but if you think you’d enjoy having them over or going to their place, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’d suggest having your partner go along too, mostly for conversational lubricant, but if you are worried that you might feel uncomfortable or territorial seeing them together, meeting the PoP (partner of partner) one on one for the first time is also fine.

It really comes down to knowing what you’re most comfortable with, which can sometimes be hard to figure out - but getting to know and articulate your own needs is a wonderful thing to practice anyway, whether or not you choose to enter this polyamorous relationship.

Once you meet, just be yourself and get to know them like you’d do with anyone else. You already have something major in common - you like the same person! - so it’s likely you share some interests as well. Since this person has been in a poly relationship for a long time, they will likely be more relaxed about getting to know you, and hopefully patient and understanding about any awkwardness.

It’s okay to feel weird about it, since our culture sends us a lot of toxic messages regarding how we should feel about this kind of situation, but if you keep an open mind and let the conversation unfold naturally, you may discover that this person is just another person, one your partner cares for, and someone you can grow to like as well. Or, you may feel uncomfortable and dislike the whole situation, which is okay as well. You know best what you’re okay with, and you don’t owe it to anyone to get involved in something that isn’t what you want. But at least you’ll know that you figured that out for yourself after checking things out, which is a great feeling.

I’m in a mono relationship, but I want to try opening it up a bit, and maybe experience polyamory. How should I bring up this topic with my partner? we’ve talked about an open relationship if we were forced into long distance, but never in our current situation. I’m just nervous because they are sometimes insecure and jealous, and I don’t want to trigger that reaction.

The way to start the conversation about polyamory takes pretty much the same skills as actually being polyamorous. Be patient and go slow, giving both of you time to adjust to new terms and feelings. Allow for and expect things to change. Be completely open and honest with each other. Don’t use pressure, ultimatums, threats or other forms of manipulation, and never put up with them from your partner. Take a deep breath, smile, and start that conversation in an unthreatening tone.

The fact that you’ve talked about it already gives you a great way to start the conversation. Say, “hey, remember that thing we talked about doing if we were ever long-distance? I’ve been thinking about it, and I think that might also work for us even though we’re still living near each other. What were your thoughts on polyamory when we talked about it before, and what do you think would change if it wasn’t long-distance?" 

But I need to end with a note of caution. Some of the language in your question throws up little red flags. Jealousy is a natural part of relationships, but that should be treated like a weed to be uprooted from a garden - not a character trait taken for granted and worked around. That your partner can be "insecure and jealous” is a problem you two should deal with even if you don’t decide to go poly.  It’s not your job to tiptoe around your partner’s insecurity. You should never feel “nervous to trigger a reaction” in your partner, not ever. Relationships should not feel like loaded guns. If your partner responds to anything you do or say - especially if it’s just you honestly expressing your feelings and needs - in a way that makes you feel threatened or upset, that’s not healthy, and not something you should put up with, whether you’re mono or not.