My bf said he was poly and said his wife was on board. She and I spoke by email for a while before meeting and she seemed happy and consenting. I have met her in person 3 times now and all she does is cry and talk about how hard this is. She is clearly not ok with this arrangement. I love my bf and am afraid to lose him but I hate that she is hurting. I offered to walk away (even though that would destroy me) but my bf said absolutely no. What do I do? Any way to make this better for her?
A couple of reality checks: First, leaving a relationship will not destroy you. You may be in a lot of grief and pain, but your structural integrity is not being threatened. You can and will survive the loss of a partner who you love. Also, your boyfriend saying “absolutely not” doesn’t mean you can’t leave a relationship. That’s your call to make. Finally, her emotional struggles are not your responsibility nor are they something you can control.
Ultimately, you need to decide whether you’re happy being in a relationship where your metamour is so unhappy. I’m of the belief that adults are allowed to take each other at their word, so the fact that she says she’s consenting is significant here. It’s possible that she just has lots of feelings about polyamory and thinks you’re the only person she can vent all this stuff out to, and that she’s less miserable than she seems. It’s possible that she’s really hurting and is refusing to acknowledge it for her own reasons.
Start by talking to your boyfriend. Tell him that whenever you and his wife meet in person, she tells you about how unhappy she is with this arrangement. Let him know that you’re really uncomfortable with this. What does he think? Does he mind? Does he think you have an obligation to manage his wife’s feelings? What is he prepared to do to make space in his relationship for a healthy exploration of polyamory?
Would he be okay with it if you stepped back from having conversations with his wife about this? It’s okay if you say that you’re happy to meet up with her socially and get to know each other, but that as metamours, you don’t think you’re able to process and receive her feelings about her relationship with her husband.
If your boyfriend isn’t able and willing to help you find a more sustainable way forward, one that doesn’t make you feel like you’re harming someone and doesn’t put the onus of handling his wife’s feelings onto you, then this could be worked out. But if he can’t collaborate with you on some healing work here - if he’s fine with this status quo where his wife pretends to be okay with something that she’s obviously not okay with, and where you’re asked to provide ad-hoc poly therapy to her - you’re better off leaving the relationship. He doesn’t have to “let you,” and you will suffer heartbreak, but neither of those things mean you must stay in a relationship that isn’t good for you.