My wife faced discrimination over being polyamorous, which is making her reconsider trying it

Me and my wife went poly about 2 months ago, everything was fine until just recently someone reported her for harassment at her work for being poly all because this person doesn't like how friendly she is with other people and thinking she just wants to screw them since she’s poly. Now she doesn't want to due to this. So first of all is that discrimination and can we fight it or like what? Second I still want to be poly but I don't know how to explain it to her and whatnot.

Okay there’s a lot going on here. For starters, the harassment report at work. Polyamory is not a protected class, so this would not be discrimination in a legally actionable sense. If it is true that this person simply reported her for “being poly,” then your wife probably has nothing to worry about besides some annoying conversations with HR. However, if her company culture is very conservative, she may be up against more challenges.

It’s important to remember that most people think “polyamory” is a sexual behavior, not an identity or relationship style. So they can feel uncomfortable or harassed by hearing a coworker talk about it. If someone at work asked me what I did over the weekend, and I said “I went to a BDSM party and got spanked,” or “I hd great sex with my girlfriend and came three times,” that would be wildly inappropriate for work and my coworkers would be justified in feeling uncomfortable. But if I said “I went on a date with my boyfriend” or “I saw a movie with my partner,” that would be fine.

The sticky part comes when you say “I went on a date with both of my boyfriends.” We as polyamorous people understand that this is just as reasonable to say and is not a violation of anyone’s decency. But some people do perceive that as an over-sharing of private, sexual information. And sometimes that battle is worth fighting, and other times, when someone’s livelihood is at stake, it might not be worth it to try and educate a bunch of people at your job. So your wife needs to figure out how much she is willing to risk to be “out” at work.

However, if this is about behavior on your wife’s part that someone perceived as harassing, that’s different than being reported simply for “being poly.” If the way that she is friendly with people at work is inappropriate or makes someone uncomfortable, that’s not relevant to her polyamory - though her behavior could be seen through a more sexualized lens if she is also talking about her polyamory. In that case, she should stop behaving that way at work and follow whatever procedures her workplace has to resolve the issue. If this is instead some social drama more related to someone’s petty jealousy over other people’s workplace friendships and someone just trying to use details of her personal life to cause problems for her, hopefully her HR department will see through that and let the matter drop.

So my advice for her on that count is to be professional and responsible and listen carefully to what she needs to do about this report. It could amount to nothing but a disgruntled coworker complaining about something dumb, or on the other extreme end, she could lose her job. Since polyamory is not a protected class, that would be legal. You could find a lawyer and try to fight it, but you’d need to decide whether an expensive and drawn out court battle over a very new-to-the-legal-system concept is worth it. She could also decide to be less “out” at work, or look for another job where she is more comfortable and accepted.

As for her not wanting to try out polyamory with you, it seems like there’s more to the situation than that. If it’s what you two have decided is right for you and your relationship at this time, some aggravation from her coworkers shouldn’t be able to fully re-balance those scales. But if she’s feeling freaked out about facing social censure, that’s understandable. If she’s realizing that she isn’t committed or invested enough in polyamory to make the sacrifices it can require, that’s good information to have.

It’s less about “how to explain it to her” and more about having an open conversation. What is she concerned about? What was she hoping for when you two “went poly,” and what is making her want to reconsider? How can you support her through the stress of the workplace report? Where might you two find community outside of her friends at work? Would she be happy trying polyamory while having to stay closeted about it in some areas of her life? Take it all in and treat it as information that can help you two make an informed choice about how to move forward.

Do you advocate polyadvocy?

Do you advocate polyadvocy?

I have genuinely no idea what that means. It returns zero Google results.

If you mean "polyamory advocacy" in the sense of fighting for laws and other policy changes regarding healthcare, finances, insurance, child custody, adoption, hospital visitation, employment, etc. that serve the needs of polyamorous people and families, absolutely.

If you mean evangelizing polyamory as a relationship style that everyone should adopt, or trying to convince or cajole people into polyamory, absolutely not. There's a time and a place for "hey, there's this thing, it might resonate with you, here's some info about it!" - people deserve access to information that might help them understand themselves and be intentional and healthy about their relationships - but that's where it should end. 

If you mean something else, then I can't answer your question, because I don't understand it.

An anonymous media request re: "stigma" and "oppression"

Hi there. I'm a writer for a lifestyle site called MEL Magazine, and I'm working on a piece about how the poly community portrays the stigma against it. While I agree that anti-poly stigma exists, there's a troubling trend of some poly people likening it to homophobia, racism, and other prejudices people may think of as incomparable. Do you see polyamorous people as literally being denied civil rights or oppressed by state power? Or are a few individuals playing the victim?

Okay, I wasn't originally going to even answer this, because I find it obnoxious for a number of reasons. It seems very odd for a magazine writer to reach out to me with an anonymous tumblr message rather than an email - I've done media requests and interviews and given quotes before, but generally, the journalist contacts me through email and we can chat back and forth, answer questions, clarify, etc. But in order to answer you, I have to post this publicly and anonymously.  Despite this, I decided to answer it, so here you go:

You've got both a strawman and a false dichotomy in your question.

First off, you cite a "troubling trend of some poly people" saying something, but you don't actually cite any examples. I'm active in the polyamorous community, both online and in a very polyam-friendly area, and I do not hear this. Ever. Something you heard someone say, or something you saw floating around tumblr, is not enough to put words in an entire community's mouth. You're making up a position to respond to that just doesn't exist, which is called straw-manning and is a fallacious, irresponsible way to start out.

I googled "polyamory stigma" and the first page is full of results where people have realistic, even-handed discussions of the problems and stigma that polyamorous people do face, without needing to make spurious comparisons to other types of oppression. It is true that polyamorous people face rejection from families and friends as well as a lack of access to healthcare, financial security, legal protections, hospital visitation, and child custody issues. It is also true that there is not a history of institutional violence against polyam people the way there has been against women, people of color, and LGBT people. Those facts can co-exist.

Someone's struggle can be real and valid without needing to compare it to other, different struggles. And that's the second issue: you have a false dichotomy in your question. You're trying to put words in my mouth and force me to either say something ridiculous and critiquable - that polyam people are "literally being denied civil rights" on the scale of Jim Crow or somesuch - or to turn me against other (alleged) people in my community and make me dismissively accuse them of "playing the victim." I will not be quoted saying either, despite your attempt to force me into this unfair either-or.

If you want me to respond to a genuine position someone else is taking, then cite and quote it. But it should be a legitimate source, not something someone told you once. People are out there saying all kinds of ridiculous things, I'm sure - but being part of a minority group doesn't obligate me to speak for, or defend, everything everyone else is saying. I'm not responsible for managing the entire discourse around polyamory and oppression, and it's disingenuous of you to try and make me out to be.

I'd be happy to speak with you about specific issues I've faced in my career, family, community, and healthcare as a result of my polyamory - but you'd need to ask me more clearly and responsibly.

Here is some reading you can do to get a better sense of what this "troubling trend" really looks like:

After reading the last post- Is it truly risky to be openly poly if you have kids? Has a biological child been taken away when one parent has a bf/gf? Or was it only in a “controversial” setting like three people married etc?

The original question was about whether being openly poly and intending to raise kids in a multiparent household could be a barrier to adoption, and the answer to that is definitely yes. Adoption screenings are rigorous and difficult, and some states and agencies discriminate against monogamous gay couples, which sets a precedent for discriminating against poly parents.

When it comes to biological children, it is less risky - there is no law that says you can’t raise kids in a poly household, and lots of people do it. It is possible for a family member, neighbor, or someone else who has issue with the parents’ polyamory to report the family to authorities, and that can create a messy legal battle even if the parents are eventually cleared.

But you are at extra legal risk when it comes to custody issues. In cases of divorce or custody battles, being openly poly tends to diminish a person’s chance of being granted custody. 

Remember also that custody and adoption aren’t the only issues that face polyamorous parents. Being able to put a child on your health insurance, taking maternity/paternity leave, being listed as a legal guardian of the child, being able to visit a child in the hospital, being able to advocate for the child in cases of special needs - all these and more are hurdles that need to be jumped by multiparent households.

Some resources on the legal issues faced by polyamorous parents:

Polyamory on Purpose
Love Outside the Box
Psychology Today
Life of the Law

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