I'm married, and was dating someone else - I ended things with him, but now I'm pregnant with his baby

My husband & I have been together for 7 years & last year I let him know that I was interested in trying out polyamory. I started a long distance relationship with another man who was also poly & checked in with my husband before any new decisions were made. Over months my partner decided he wanted to try committing to just me & broke up with his primary. He couldn't commit fully though, there were lies & cheating so I ended it. Then found out I am pregnant with his baby. Any advice?

Everything gets much more high-stakes when there is a pregnancy involved. The first thing you need to do is figure out what you want to do about the pregnancy. I recommend visiting with your doctor or heading to a Planned Parenthood to talk about your options, what you need to do to take care of your health, etc.

You also need to talk to your husband about what he wants to do. Some people, like me, are strongly of the belief that genetics do not a family make, so it could be that he is excited and wants to raise the child - or he could feel more ambivalent. It is unfair to bring a child into a situation where one of the people responsible for co-parenting is struggling with the facts of the child’s existence, so this is critical to work out if you plan to have and parent the baby. You should also talk to the father of the baby, even though you two are no longer together - there are various ways this co-parenting relationship could go, and you need to figure out what’s best for everyone involved. Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in co-parenting and “unconventionall” families.

I have no idea what your values and preferences are around pregnancy and abortion, but know that you do have options, and that they are your choices. There are two other people involved who are likely going to have strong feelings about the pregnancy, and they are entitled to those strong feelings, and it is healthy for you to consider and discuss them - but, ultimately, it’s your pregnancy. If someone wants you to abort, and you don’t want to, they cannot force you, and you should take distance from anyone pressuring you. If someone wants you to keep the baby, and you want to abort, that is your call.

There are a lot of ways this could shake out; here are just a handful that could happen:

• Your husband could decide he isn’t up to this, but you want to raise the baby, so you become a single mom

• Your husband could decide he does want to raise the baby, and you two become parents, with minimal involvement from biological father

• The biological father could decide he wants to be involved, so you work out a multi-parent arrangement that doesn’t require you to be in a romantic relationship

• You could decide you don’t want to raise the baby but the biological father does, so he takes full custody after the birth

• You could decide to place the baby for adoption

• You could choose to terminate the pregnancy

Ultimately, only you can work out what’s going to be best for you, your relationships, and the child. There are professionals who can help you think through those options, so again I strongly recommend visiting a Planned Parenthood, talking to your doctor, or seeing a therapist who specializes in this type of issue. Best of luck!

my partner has been very reckless with sex and often doesn’t use protection with their male partner and there have been a few occasions where they have thought they may be pregnant and there have been a few occasions they said they’d been trying and i always get upset because they never talk to me about this and i feel its something they should be discussing with other partners if they’re planning to have a child? am i overreacting?

No, you’re not over reacting. Your feelings are your feelings, and you get to have them. Someone else might not care about this. But you do. 

The first step is to talk to your partner about this. Tell them what makes you feel concerned: “If you’re planning to get pregnant, I feel like I should be included in the conversation about that decision. Can we talk about how this impacts me?” Hopefully that conversation goes well and you two can take a more collaborative position on this.

In the end, though, there’s a big difference between “I feel like this situation deeply involves me” and “You need my permission to get pregnant.” You don’t get to make that call for someone else, and if they say “Nope, I don’t want or need to take your input into consideration, I am going to get pregnant or not based on what I want,” that is their right.

Your right, at that point, is to decide that you don’t want to be in that kind of relationship or situation. You may decide that a relationship with this person isn’t working for you because of their current family planning situation and the way they communicate about it. That’s for you to decide. 

My girlfriend likes this girl she works with, and the co-worker likes her back. They’ve talked about dating, but my girlfriend doesn’t think she could handle dating someone who has a child. But I think it’s possible to date someone without becoming a parent to their child (I’m not sure if the co-worker expects her to be a parent or not). They still flirt, and I love seeing how cute they are. I think they’d make each other really happy, and to be honest, it’s hard enough finding someone who is okay with polyamory.

It’s pretty hard to date someone with kids without ending up as some kind of co-parent. Kids can be pretty sensitive to the relationship energies passing through their world, and it’s on the adults to be responsible about that. If your girlfriend is around the kids often, and clearly affectionate to their mom, if she is sleeping over, etc. the kids will expect her to be involved in their lives.

The partner and the parent can try to set clear boundaries: “Elgreth is Mommy’s friend, and she comes over to hang out with Mommy, but she cannot come to your piano recital/does not want to play Barbies/etc.” - but children are a ton of work, and will demand your attention regardless. If you’re dating someone with kids, you need to be present to those kids on some level.

Also, dating someone who is a parent means accepting that the kids take priority and being a grownup about that. Date night might get canceled because the kid just barfed up goldfish crackers all over the couch, so now instead of leaving him with the babysitter to have a nice adult night, you’re getting climbed all over by a potentially-contagious-but-still-rambunctious little one while watching the Minions movie on the floor because the couch is still damp. If you can’t handle how chaotic and demanding kids are - if you’re going to sulk about missing out on the night you have planned - don’t date someone with kids. If your girlfriend has the patience and flexibility to do that, great. But if not, she can’t just opt-out of the whole kids thing. 

Your girlfriend needs to figure out, realistically, what she means by “not willing to co-parent” and whether that is possible when dating someone with kids. Not wanting to take them to doctor appointments or make 3am Walgreens trips for cold medicine is pretty standard for new partners - but wanting to sort of “date around” the kids or being unwilling to include or involve or make concessions for them is unrealistic and impossible.

Your girlfriend should talk to this person who’s interested in her and figure out what the other person’s expectations are as well. Some people with kids see themselves as a package deal and don’t want to bother dating someone who’s iffy on the kids thing. Other people might be fine with a low-key fling where they see each other when the parent is free. In this, as in all things, clear expectations and communication are key.

polyamorousmisanthrope:

polyadvice:

I am married and have a child. I also have a bf. My bf hasn’t told his family that I am not single. If they were to find out down the line, is there anything they can do to hurt my family… such as get my kid taken away? I live in California. They do not.

I am not a lawyer or a legal expert, but I can tell you that anyone can call Child Protective Services on anyone, and create issues for them. If CPS visits your home after getting a report, and finds nothing wrong, you won’t lose your children, but it can create hassles.

I would guess that your boyfriend’s parents would have less clout because they have no connection to the child - your husband’s parents or your parents could try to take custody as grandparents, but again, they’d need to prove that the environment you’re raising your children in is somehow abusive or unhealthy to them.

I can’t say for sure how a specific CPS agent would respond. Some might think “wow, someone’s harassing these parents,” while others might think “Hm, I’m not sure it’s healthy for kids to be ‘exposed’ to this kind of ‘sexual lifestyle’” - someone who wants to could theoretically create legal complications for you, but there’s a big difference between “I have to talk to some social workers and do some paperwork” and “I lost custody of my children.”

My recommendation is, if you’re worried about legal and custody issues with your parenting situation, try finding a lawyer to talk to who specializes in LGBTQ+ family law. You may also want to see a family therapist who is friendly to “alternative” (a term I find icky, but whatever) family styles and just lay the groundwork to raising healthy kids in a poly household.

If you plan for your boyfriend to be involved in your kids’ lifestyles - picking them up from school, attending games and performances, things like that - set up a plan for how you’ll talk to teachers, doctors, coaches, family members, etc. and how you’ll communicate with your children about their questions. A lawyer and/or family counselor can definitely help with that!

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2010/01/25/poly-parenting-101/

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2004/07/31/poly-parenting/

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2005/03/03/but-what-about-the-children/

I don’t usually share or reblog other people’s commentary or thoughts, but these are some great resources on poly parenting! Thanks, Polyamorous Misanthrope!

I am married and have a child. I also have a bf. My bf hasn’t told his family that I am not single. If they were to find out down the line, is there anything they can do to hurt my family… such as get my kid taken away? I live in California. They do not.

I am not a lawyer or a legal expert, but I can tell you that anyone can call Child Protective Services on anyone, and create issues for them. If CPS visits your home after getting a report, and finds nothing wrong, you won’t lose your children, but it can create hassles.

I would guess that your boyfriend’s parents would have less clout because they have no connection to the child - your husband’s parents or your parents could try to take custody as grandparents, but again, they’d need to prove that the environment you’re raising your children in is somehow abusive or unhealthy to them.

I can’t say for sure how a specific CPS agent would respond. Some might think “wow, someone’s harassing these parents,” while others might think “Hm, I’m not sure it’s healthy for kids to be ‘exposed’ to this kind of ‘sexual lifestyle’” - someone who wants to could theoretically create legal complications for you, but there’s a big difference between “I have to talk to some social workers and do some paperwork” and “I lost custody of my children.”

My recommendation is, if you’re worried about legal and custody issues with your parenting situation, try finding a lawyer to talk to who specializes in LGBTQ+ family law. You may also want to see a family therapist who is friendly to “alternative” (a term I find icky, but whatever) family styles and just lay the groundwork to raising healthy kids in a poly household.

If you plan for your boyfriend to be involved in your kids’ lifestyles - picking them up from school, attending games and performances, things like that - set up a plan for how you’ll talk to teachers, doctors, coaches, family members, etc. and how you’ll communicate with your children about their questions. A lawyer and/or family counselor can definitely help with that!

After reading the last post- Is it truly risky to be openly poly if you have kids? Has a biological child been taken away when one parent has a bf/gf? Or was it only in a “controversial” setting like three people married etc?

The original question was about whether being openly poly and intending to raise kids in a multiparent household could be a barrier to adoption, and the answer to that is definitely yes. Adoption screenings are rigorous and difficult, and some states and agencies discriminate against monogamous gay couples, which sets a precedent for discriminating against poly parents.

When it comes to biological children, it is less risky - there is no law that says you can’t raise kids in a poly household, and lots of people do it. It is possible for a family member, neighbor, or someone else who has issue with the parents’ polyamory to report the family to authorities, and that can create a messy legal battle even if the parents are eventually cleared.

But you are at extra legal risk when it comes to custody issues. In cases of divorce or custody battles, being openly poly tends to diminish a person’s chance of being granted custody. 

Remember also that custody and adoption aren’t the only issues that face polyamorous parents. Being able to put a child on your health insurance, taking maternity/paternity leave, being listed as a legal guardian of the child, being able to visit a child in the hospital, being able to advocate for the child in cases of special needs - all these and more are hurdles that need to be jumped by multiparent households.

Some resources on the legal issues faced by polyamorous parents:

Polyamory on Purpose
Love Outside the Box
Psychology Today
Life of the Law

Don’t forget Poly Advice now has a Patreon! If you liked this post & want to see more, consider becoming a backer! 

I’m very much mono, my husband of 20+ years just dropped the polybomb, telling me he still “loves me but hasn’t been in love with me for years and feels there’s so much missing in his life.” I’m completely destroyed. I don’t know where to go with this, we have two special needs kids and part of me says stay and accept my love life is over, and part of me is mad as hell and says leave and try to find someone who’ll love me. I’m beyond lost in this.

This is perhaps the heaviest ask I’ve gotten so far, and to do it justice, my answer ran long - so it’s under a cut. It’s also a little bit out of my depth, so if anyone with more experience in situations like this has anything to add, please message me.

First off, this is a heartrending situation, and I am terribly sorry for your anguish. I am not sure where your husband got his definition of polyamory, because what he said to you doesn’t indicate polyamorous tendencies. A lot of people stumble across the “poly” label and think that having a fancy word gives them permission to engage in destructive, cruel, or dishonest behavior. But it doesn’t.

The apparent semantic difference between “love” and “in love” has always baffled me. It is completely heartbreaking to hear “I’m not in love with you” from someone you’ve given so much of your life to, but if you can, my advice would be to try and figure out what he really means by that. Maybe it’s entirely sexual - maybe he still feels all the affection and companionship for you that he always has, but finds himself sexually interested in other people after 20+ years. While this is hurtful and painful to work through, it’s very different from a situation where his deeper feelings have truly changed and he wants to fundamentally alter the terms of your relationship.

I think what he was trying to say to you, in admittedly the clumsiest and most hurtful way possible, was that he has needs that aren’t being met. He doesn’t seem too clear on what those needs are, though, and seems to think that being poly is both the source of those needs and their solution. But after 20+ years of marriage and two children, there has to be more to the story, and on some level he has to know that. You’re entitled to ask for more communication from him. Specifically, what does he really want? To continue the marriage while being free to sleep with others? To open the relationship to other emotionally bonded partners? A separation? You may not like his answer, and you’re not obligated to give him what he wants, but I think it would help both of you if he actually articulated it.

Once you know exactly what he’s asking for, it’s your turn. You need to figure out exactly what you want and what your needs are. Then, you make sure those needs get met. It may not be that “your love life is over” if you choose to stay with him - you may find that him taking other partners improves your relationship. Or, things may go the route of companionate marriage, where you two remain close parenting partners with a relationship built on everything that made you fall in love in the first place, though certain aspects have changed. Polyamory provides a more open space for relationship models like this: two people as parenting partners without being sexual partners; two people as sexual partners without being exclusive; etc. There is plenty of polyamorous theory that seeks to re-imagine relationships, partnerships, sexuality, and other concepts to allow for different arrangements that are all healthy and productive. (And if you’re interested in that, please contact me again!) But you are under no obligation to make this cognitive shift if you aren’t interested. You may decide that none of this is what you want, and you want to make monogamy a condition for continuing the relationship. It’s all completely up to you. Do not resign yourself to something that’s not healthy or fulfilling to you: you deserve to have your needs met just as much as anyone else.