I'm married, and was dating someone else - I ended things with him, but now I'm pregnant with his baby

My husband & I have been together for 7 years & last year I let him know that I was interested in trying out polyamory. I started a long distance relationship with another man who was also poly & checked in with my husband before any new decisions were made. Over months my partner decided he wanted to try committing to just me & broke up with his primary. He couldn't commit fully though, there were lies & cheating so I ended it. Then found out I am pregnant with his baby. Any advice?

Everything gets much more high-stakes when there is a pregnancy involved. The first thing you need to do is figure out what you want to do about the pregnancy. I recommend visiting with your doctor or heading to a Planned Parenthood to talk about your options, what you need to do to take care of your health, etc.

You also need to talk to your husband about what he wants to do. Some people, like me, are strongly of the belief that genetics do not a family make, so it could be that he is excited and wants to raise the child - or he could feel more ambivalent. It is unfair to bring a child into a situation where one of the people responsible for co-parenting is struggling with the facts of the child’s existence, so this is critical to work out if you plan to have and parent the baby. You should also talk to the father of the baby, even though you two are no longer together - there are various ways this co-parenting relationship could go, and you need to figure out what’s best for everyone involved. Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in co-parenting and “unconventionall” families.

I have no idea what your values and preferences are around pregnancy and abortion, but know that you do have options, and that they are your choices. There are two other people involved who are likely going to have strong feelings about the pregnancy, and they are entitled to those strong feelings, and it is healthy for you to consider and discuss them - but, ultimately, it’s your pregnancy. If someone wants you to abort, and you don’t want to, they cannot force you, and you should take distance from anyone pressuring you. If someone wants you to keep the baby, and you want to abort, that is your call.

There are a lot of ways this could shake out; here are just a handful that could happen:

• Your husband could decide he isn’t up to this, but you want to raise the baby, so you become a single mom

• Your husband could decide he does want to raise the baby, and you two become parents, with minimal involvement from biological father

• The biological father could decide he wants to be involved, so you work out a multi-parent arrangement that doesn’t require you to be in a romantic relationship

• You could decide you don’t want to raise the baby but the biological father does, so he takes full custody after the birth

• You could decide to place the baby for adoption

• You could choose to terminate the pregnancy

Ultimately, only you can work out what’s going to be best for you, your relationships, and the child. There are professionals who can help you think through those options, so again I strongly recommend visiting a Planned Parenthood, talking to your doctor, or seeing a therapist who specializes in this type of issue. Best of luck!

How do I throw a baby shower for a multiparent family?

Hey there, my best friend is in a poly relationship, and one of his beautiful wives is pregnant with their baby boy! I want to throw a baby shower for their new little one. But I want to honor both mothers and looking for poly baby shower ideas that includes the mom carrying the little one and the mom who is still going to be his mom. And for once Pinterest has failed me! I want to honor both mothers and looking for respectful ideas for both mommies!

Although it's tradition for baby showers to be planned without much input from the mom-to-be, this is a case where I think it would be best to just go directly to both women and ask them how they want to be honored and included. It's possible that both moms want to be equally included and are placing less emphasis on who's biologically carrying the baby. It's also possible that the pregnant mom prefers to be the center of attention and the other mom intends to be less central to the celebrations. You'll only know if you ask! You can ask your best friend to ask them, or go to them directly, depending on your relationships with them.

Most standard baby shower activities could work for a multiparent family, anyway - crafts, games, etc. don't tend to rely on there being Only One Mom. Some fun stuff that doesn't explicitly center the pregnancy:

• A pretty book or another write-on-able thing where attendees can give the parents advice & support
• Blind taste-testing baby food flavors
• Having attendees bring baby photos of themselves & guessing who's who
• A make-your-own activity for a self-care item like lotion or salt scrub
• Blank white onesies & fabric paint/pens for guests to decorate for the baby
• Just getting together with friends to eat and chat and hang out and have a nice party
• A trivia contest with fun facts about weird historical baby-care notions (opium for sleep! keep them in boxes!)
• An "open mic" for participants to tell funny stories from their childhood or parenthood

When it comes to gifts, most baby shower gifts are for the baby, but you could consider specific gifts for both moms, like self-care kits, spa gift cards, their favorite easy to prepare snacks, fun t-shirts (if they wear them) with polyamory pride or parenting stuff on them, and other stuff that they like. You can also make sure that things like the invitations (if you do printed invitations) name both women; that both women are acknowledged in toasts (if there are toasts). You as the host can try to make sure that people aren't exclusively congratulating the pregnant mom and you can actively include the other mom in conversations and congratulations. 

But really, your best bet is to ask them how they want it to go! Some people like the cheesy, on-theme Pinterest style baby showers with crafts and activities; some people just kind of want to hang out with their friends and eat something tasty. 

Do you have thoughts or ideas for a multiparent baby shower? Share them! Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com. Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

I’m very much mono, my husband of 20+ years just dropped the polybomb, telling me he still “loves me but hasn’t been in love with me for years and feels there’s so much missing in his life.” I’m completely destroyed. I don’t know where to go with this, we have two special needs kids and part of me says stay and accept my love life is over, and part of me is mad as hell and says leave and try to find someone who’ll love me. I’m beyond lost in this.

This is perhaps the heaviest ask I’ve gotten so far, and to do it justice, my answer ran long - so it’s under a cut. It’s also a little bit out of my depth, so if anyone with more experience in situations like this has anything to add, please message me.

First off, this is a heartrending situation, and I am terribly sorry for your anguish. I am not sure where your husband got his definition of polyamory, because what he said to you doesn’t indicate polyamorous tendencies. A lot of people stumble across the “poly” label and think that having a fancy word gives them permission to engage in destructive, cruel, or dishonest behavior. But it doesn’t.

The apparent semantic difference between “love” and “in love” has always baffled me. It is completely heartbreaking to hear “I’m not in love with you” from someone you’ve given so much of your life to, but if you can, my advice would be to try and figure out what he really means by that. Maybe it’s entirely sexual - maybe he still feels all the affection and companionship for you that he always has, but finds himself sexually interested in other people after 20+ years. While this is hurtful and painful to work through, it’s very different from a situation where his deeper feelings have truly changed and he wants to fundamentally alter the terms of your relationship.

I think what he was trying to say to you, in admittedly the clumsiest and most hurtful way possible, was that he has needs that aren’t being met. He doesn’t seem too clear on what those needs are, though, and seems to think that being poly is both the source of those needs and their solution. But after 20+ years of marriage and two children, there has to be more to the story, and on some level he has to know that. You’re entitled to ask for more communication from him. Specifically, what does he really want? To continue the marriage while being free to sleep with others? To open the relationship to other emotionally bonded partners? A separation? You may not like his answer, and you’re not obligated to give him what he wants, but I think it would help both of you if he actually articulated it.

Once you know exactly what he’s asking for, it’s your turn. You need to figure out exactly what you want and what your needs are. Then, you make sure those needs get met. It may not be that “your love life is over” if you choose to stay with him - you may find that him taking other partners improves your relationship. Or, things may go the route of companionate marriage, where you two remain close parenting partners with a relationship built on everything that made you fall in love in the first place, though certain aspects have changed. Polyamory provides a more open space for relationship models like this: two people as parenting partners without being sexual partners; two people as sexual partners without being exclusive; etc. There is plenty of polyamorous theory that seeks to re-imagine relationships, partnerships, sexuality, and other concepts to allow for different arrangements that are all healthy and productive. (And if you’re interested in that, please contact me again!) But you are under no obligation to make this cognitive shift if you aren’t interested. You may decide that none of this is what you want, and you want to make monogamy a condition for continuing the relationship. It’s all completely up to you. Do not resign yourself to something that’s not healthy or fulfilling to you: you deserve to have your needs met just as much as anyone else.