When do you think is a safe time to give a partner your phone number when you’ve had an ldr? My partner and I have been together for several months but I still don’t have their phone number or even have them on any social media accounts anymore because the one they had was deleted. We don’t skype either because I’m never really able to but we send photos back and forth but I feel really weird about only sending skype messages? Is this normal or what do you think?

There are plenty of reasons someone might not want to use a phone to chat. Anything from the innocuous (maybe they can’t afford a monthly phone bill, maybe they just prefer skype and don’t realize you want their number) to the sad but understandable (maybe they are hiding from a stalker/abuser) to the sketchy (maybe they are catfishing you, maybe they are doing this with multiple people and don’t want to get caught).

Your best bet is to just ask them: can I have your number? Can we talk over phone call or text? If not, why not? If they give you a reason and it’s believable, great! With a skype app on your phone, it’s basically the same as texting. If you have lingering questions, though, or feel uncomfortable, it’s okay to press for more details: when will you be able to use something besides skype? why was their old social media deleted? 

Be careful about people who are so locked down with their availability - usually, it means they’re hiding something. Be clear with them that this is a situation that makes you feel concerned. Someone who’s healthy to be in a relationship with will be honest and understanding. If they get defensive or aggressive, take some distance. Your safety is the priority. 

I’m in my first poly relationship and it’s long distance. My partner was saying how they feel like I’m only their boyfriend when I’m in town and how they feel like we aren’t friends. I want this relationship to last. What can I do? I’m so new at this

It sounds like both of those issues are primarily stemming from the long distance, not necessarily the polyamory. 

If your partner feels like you’re only their boyfriend when you’re in town, it sounds like they need more from you during times when you’re apart. Being long distance can be hard, because the foundation of a relationship is often build on the shared little things - knowing the names of each other’s classmates or coworkers; little chats when you’re leaving in the morning; all those small shared moments.

The best thing to do would be to ask your partner for specifics about when and why they feel this way. What are they missing from you? What would make them feel like you’re their friend? Their boyfriend? What is their best-case scenario? Then, ask yourself whether you can provide that, or whether you two just need different things. 

They might have more of a focus on ‘slow burn’ things that keep a relationship alive in the day-to-day rather than the big bonfires of exciting visits. Things like:

• If both of you have smartphones, sending each other photos of neat things you see during your day
  
• Sending links to articles you enjoyed & discussing them
• Texting them little details about your day
• Asking them little details about their day
• Mailing them letters, postcards, or care packages
• Calling or video chatting once a week (or on whatever arbitrary schedule works for you two)

If you’re really not the kind of person who likes to keep up this daily chatty shared-life thing, then you can either:

• A.) set up things like reminders on your phone to send them a text, set up rituals like texting them when you sit down to lunch, etc. or
• B.) let them know clearly that this is not something you are willing or able to do, and that dating you long distance means seeing you during visits and getting as much boyfriend-type attention during times apart as you are willing and able to give.
  

Both choices come with pros and cons, as do most choices in life. If you choose A, it comes with the risk that this will frustrate and burn you out, if this is really something you’re not emotionally equipped to do, and you may feel resentful if meeting your partner’s needs feels like a chore or a demand. On the other hand, if they are worth the energy and you genuinely enjoy it, problem solved!

If you choose B, your partner may decide that they cannot be in a long distance relationship with you under those terms, and that’s their right. Or, you two might figure out a way to be together with different expectations now that that’s out on the table. I was actually just in a very similar situation with one of my long distance partners, which ended with me explaining that I needed more from him, him explaining that he could not give me more, and me making the hard choice to end things.

Good luck!

So, I’m poly. I’ve known for years, but I finally have accepted it. Completely. My boyfriend and I have been in a monogamous relationship for two years, and we have recently started to talk to a good friend of ours about joining for a triad. I’m really nervous but really excited, and our biggest worry is communication with me being 100mi away for 2/3rds of the year. Any advice on how to keep the communication alive and well?

First off, good on you guys for taking things slow and figuring things out with honesty and love! Best of luck in your new triad! Long distance is rough on everyone, but I think polyamory can reduce a lot of the stress by removing the fear of “cheating” and the frustration of not getting physical intimacy. 

Keeping communication alive and well in an LDR comes down to some key things:

1.) Establish clear expectations

Some people are into chatty all-day text conversations. Some people are absolutely not. Figure out what kind of LDR communicator you are, and own that. Be clear and up front with your partners about what they can expect from you and what you need from them.

2.) Never assume intent (it’s not about you)

It’s easy to forget that your LDR partner’s world doesn’t revolve around you, because you can’t see the parts of their life that don’t involve you. If you text them and they don’t reply, or send something short, avoid assuming that they’re doing it intentionally because they’re upset or don’t care. You can’t see the other things distracting them, so give them the benefit of the doubt and don’t take things personally.

3.) Get creative

LDRs are most frustrating because they prevent you from having shared experiences, which are the bedrock of relationships. So try to come up with some traditions or ways to stay connected. Maybe you text them a photo of every cool car you see. Maybe you send them a sticker from every show you attend. Maybe you email naughty stories to each other. Maybe you watch the same TV show every week and discuss it afterwards. Whatever works for you, find a way to stay involved in each other’s lives.

4.) Try to avoid info-dump catch-up

One thing that drives me crazy is when I haven’t talked to someone I care about in a while, so when we do get a chance to hang out, I don’t have context for any of their stories, interests, or problems. I can’t get excited about their date with so-and-so if I haven’t been updated on their ongoing crush. I can’t give advice about the new job they were offered if I don’t know how they feel about their current job day-to-day. So make sure you keep each other updated on the little details that make a life make sense, so you can share your lives in meaningful ways.

Good luck!