Is there certain boundaries y’all have set with your primary partner when it comes to them finding a new partner? Whether it be for a relationship or just sex?

There’s only one of me here, so I can only answer for myself: first, I don’t have a “primary partner,” because I don’t practice hierarchical or tiered polyamory. There is no “primary” relationship that I try to protect or prioritize at the sacrifice of other relationships.

With my partners, however, I do have a few boundaries. Most of them are about general safety: they need to wear or use condoms with me and their other partners, and they need to not date anyone who is abusive or toxic. But I don’t have any specific ‘rules’ about how they can and can’t find a new partner or how they can and can’t behave with new partners or other partners.

If there was a specific case where something was an issue - if I had a concern about their behavior while dating or pursuing someone - I’d bring it up and we’d address it. Because we have boundaries and expectations around being honest and willing to work on issues in good faith. I find that it’s easier to have generic agreements about how to address any issue that comes up rather than specific rules or boundaries made in an attempt to prevent or circumvent problems we imagine may arise in the future.

But that’s just me. When it comes to your relationship, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does. You don’t need someone else’s pattern to follow when practicing polyamory - in fact, trying to fit yourself into a space someone else carved out for themselves will likely end in frustration. Identify your needs and work on methods of meeting those needs!

Here are some more resources about rules and boundaries in poly relationships:

• Polyamory without rules
• “Fear Rules” in polyamory
• What is wrong with rules, anyway?
• Hard boundaries and soft boundaries
• Polyamory relationship contracts
• Rules vs. Agreements
• Polyamory & Boundaries
• Boundaries & metamours