I'm dating polyamorously for the first time, and it doesn't feel good

I am new to this. I am seeing a few different people who are also have multiple love interests. However my problem comes when I know that one of them is flirting with someone besides me, sharing a sexy photo or a flirty conversation, it makes me feel a pain like loss in my heart, an empty gaping hole that hurts when they do that. What can I do to get over that? I really want to be ok with others finding love with someone besides me, but right now it’s hard.

Usually, if a person is in a relationship (or any other type of situation) that makes them feel “pain like loss” and “an empty gaping hole that hurts,” my advice is to stop being in that situation as soon as you can. Polyamory isn’t for everyone, and you are not obligated to force yourself into arrangements that cause you pain. When it comes to relationships, if it doesn’t feel good, if it’s not fun, don’t do it.

If you truly believe that these feelings are “internalized monogamy culture” and that you both can and should root them out, start by reading some resources on my FAQ page and learning about how polyamorous people conceptualize things like love and jealousy. And talk to your partners about it, with an eye toward brainstorming ways they can make things easier on you, like not flirting or sexting around you, sending you their favorite resources on polyamory, and talking through their philosophy of how they practice ethical non-monogamy.

But there is no “polyamorous conversion therapy,” nor should there be, and if you would be happier and more fulfilled in a monogamous relationship, please seek that instead!

I want to date my boyfriend's friend, but he doesn't want me to

Note: To celebrate hitting 1,000 posts about polyamory, I’m taking a break next week and answering any and all questions on other topics. You can submit your non-polyam-related questions (advice and otherwise) all this week!

I have been with my partner for about four months and me and a friend of his are completely infatuated with each other. My partner doesn't want me to have anything other than platonic relationships with his friends but I have no problem if he wanted to date mine. How do I navigate this? He feels completely inferior to this friend and is very insecure about it. But there is a lot of sexual tension between me and his friend because we both want more but we can't do anything about it.

Your partner has been very clear about his preferences: that he does not want you to date his friends. It does not sound like you’ll be able to convince him out of this position, and I don’t recommend that you try. You know the terms of your relationship, which is not to date his friends. Your choice is whether to stay in a relationship on those terms.

You need to decide whether pursuing something with this friend of his is worth blowing up what you have with your current boyfriend. Everything else is a red herring - it doesn’t matter whether you’d be okay with him dating your friends, and it doesn’t really matter why he has this boundary. You can’t change his perspective, you can only decide how to act on the information that you have, which is that you have feelings for someone but pursuing those feelings would be incompatible with the terms of your current relationship.

Are my extra precautions around pregnancy and STIs reasonable?

I’m pregnant and one of my partners is looking for new connections. I am absolutely terrified of contracting herpes during pregnancy as an initial infection can cross the placenta and cause stillbirth. Would it be unfair for me to tell my partner that I will not be physically intimate with him during my pregnancy if he chooses to be intimate with a partner who is HSV positive? I know that herpes is common and a lot of the stigma is unnecessary, but I’m not willing to risk my baby’s safety.

No, that sounds entirely reasonable. Everyone gets to decide what their own risk tolerance is. Pregnancy is a specific health concern that requires extra precautions. You are not being unfair or stigmatizing, and if your partner insinuates that you are, or tries to argue you out of this perfectly understandable boundary, they’re the one with the problem.

I can express my feelings one-on-one, but not when multiple partners are with me

Usually I'm really good at communicating my needs to my boyfriend, but whenever we have another partner over its really difficult for me to talk about any discomfort I'm feeling or even any emotions at all. I struggle to talk to either of them about how we're all feeling unless it's one on one, and I'm scared it seems like I'm hiding something when I just want to talk to one of them. How do I develop the confidence to communicate with both partners at once?

Without knowing more details, I’m going to have to give a few different answers.

It’s totally okay if you prefer to express your feelings one on one, and you let your partners know that. “It’s not that I’m trying to hide things from Fountayne, and rest assured I’m going to tell him the same things when we talk - but I struggle to have larger conversations.” It’s okay to know your personal communication style and take care of your own needs in that way.

I think that the polyamorous community places so much emphasis on “communication” and “honesty” that we forget to note that it’s not necessary to voice every feeling or every instance of discomfort immediately to everyone in the vicinity. Not everything needs to be brought up when you have other partners over! You can wait until later and say “it really bothered me when you snapped at me like that.” But some things are important to speak up about in the moment, so things don’t go downhill towards festerville - “I really don’t want to play board games, and I thought the plan for tonight was to watch a movie and cuddle together. Can we stick to the original plan?”

So it has a lot to do with the feelings and discomfort that you’re struggling to express. Ask yourself whether it needs to be voiced right then, or whether you can safely indulge your own desire to wait until there are fewer people around. Is there something you need changed or done right away, or is it just that you feel some vague pressure to speak up? I think it’s less about forcing yourself to always voice your feelings regardless of who’s around, but learning to identify what kinds of discomfort ought to be shared immediately, with everyone, and which ones can wait for a one-on-one moment.

Think about why you struggle with this. Do you worry that your partners will “gang up” on you? Do you feel that it’s “unfair” or “inappropriate” to “ruin” other people’s hangout time with your feelings? Are there patterns from your past that might be informing this? Is there something you can ask your partners for help with? Let them know that talking to them together feels vulnerable for you, and see if they can help assuage that anxiety. Consider having tough conversations by email rather than sitting and facing each other, which can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Can polyamorous people get married?

Would there be any way for a poly group to get married with one another?

Legally, no, there is no way for more than 2 people to be legally married in America. There is, however, nothing preventing you from having a big ceremonial party, referring to each other as your spouses, or living together.

Some polyamorous families have formed LLCs or used other creative workarounds to handle issues around finances, property ownership, health insurance, child custody, etc. Check the resources here and here, and consult with a poly-friendly lawyer in your area.

I'm attracted to my metamour - now what?

My wife and I have been married for almost nine years. She has always been sexually attracted to women as well. She has been in a relationship with another woman for almost a year. I am sexually attracted to her girlfriend but their relationship has been separate from our own. My wife sleeps with me and sleeps with her but we have never slept with each other. Should I talk about having a more open relationship with my wife and her girlfriend or should I keep my feelings to myself? Anyone have any advice?

It couldn’t hurt! Often, people end up clicking really well with their metamours, for obvious reasons. Clearly, you two have a lot in common. My recommendation would be to mention it to your wife, casually and playfully: “I’ve started to think Megianta is really cute too - think that could ever work?”

She’ll hopefully give you a lot of information. “Oh, nah, she only likes women" or “I don’t know, that might feel weird to me” or “Really? Tell me more!” or “That’s so funny, she’s into you, too - wanna talk about how that would work?” Open up the conversation and see where things go from there.

My long distance partner and I had a conflict, and now he won't answer or read my messages

I’m a married cis woman who is exploring poly relationships. My primary partner is amazing and loving and we have a fantastic relationship. About eight months ago, I started a long distance relationship with a guy. We talk online, have some phone sex and meet up when we can. We have a sexual relationship of course but it’s also emotional. Enter the issue: he has a roommate who from the beginning wanted to be my good friend. I’m not usually comfortable with this but I let my guard down. She knows our situation and I’ve known him as long as she has. Recently she admitted she had feelings for him and made it seem like I was the only person who knew. In the meantime, she was telling me that he really cared for me so much and wish he could be with me. I told him that she had a little crush on him and he closed up completely. I felt badly for telling him and blamed myself for being a bad poly practitioner. About a week later, she blurts out that they have been having sex for weeks. I had no idea! He had never shown any kind of interest in her at all. I was incredibly angry because I had always been very honest about my intentions, and I felt like I had been gaslighted, made to feel guilty when they both clearly already knew what was going on. I left him a message and told him that I never expected monogamy from him clearly but that I expected honesty. What were they going to do when I visit again?! I haven’t spoken to either of them for almost a month but I’ve tried to get in touch with him because I feel like he owes me closure, an explanation, an apology, just something and he hasn’t even read my messages. He’s a tough personality, someone who closes himself off a lot and I knew that getting into this with him but I can’t move on.

You need to try and let this go. You may want “closure, an explanation, an apology” - but he clearly isn’t able or willing to give that to you. I know you feel like he owes it to you, but you can’t make your healing contingent on someone else’s choices. He has made it very clear that he is not going to re-engage with you, his lack of response is a response.

There is a lot of denial in your letter. You speak in the present tense, saying that you “talk online” and “have a sexual relationship,” etc. You do not. You used to talk online. You had a sexual relationship. When you haven’t spoken for a month, and he refuses to answer any of your attempts to reach out, that’s a breakup. You two are no longer together. This relationship is over. None of the story you told as “the issue” is the actual problem - the problem is not his roommate, or his dishonesty, or anything like that - the problem that you were dating a guy who cut you off after a conflict and is no longer speaking to you.

You say that you “can’t move on,” but you need to figure out how to move on without him giving you “closure.” Ask yourself, what would it take for you to move forward from this and accept that this relationship is fully over? Therapy, journaling, time, self-care, time with friends, whatever it takes. Treat this like a breakup and start grieving the end of the relationship. Moving on gets easier with time, so let yourself start that clock NOW instead of wasting time trying to change his behavior or denying the reality of the breakup.

I think I might be polyamorous, but am worried about being a unicorn hunter

I think I'm polyamorous? I'm just so confused. About a year ago, I had two crushes on these two guys. I jokingly was like "ha what if I dated both" and the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. I would dream about being in a triad with them, and the thought made me really happy. I also did the same when I got a crush on these two girls. And I did research, and now I'm even more confused bc unicorn hunters are a thing and now I'm scared that I am one??? What the heck??

Let me assure you that “unicorn hunting” is a behavior, not something someone just is, inherently, against their will. If you’re not in a couple pursuing a single bi woman to serve your sexual interests without considering much about hers, you’re not a unicorn hunter. Simply wanting to be in a polyamorous triad is not immoral or unethical in any way. Desire is not inherently predatory. It’s okay. You’re okay.

There are lots of people out there who are polyamorous and interested in triad-style dating! As long as you’re not trampling boundaries or making unreasonable demands in an attempt to date them, you’re all good. Keep reading about polyamory - you can start with my FAQ - and be gentle with yourself.

My partners let everyone think it's just them in a monogamous couple, and it bothers me

I’m in a serious relationship with two people ( I should say all three of us are dating each other). They were dating for a few years before, and I’ve been dating them for a few years now. Any time they come out as having a partner, they always come out as dating each other and it’s never me. I understand if they don’t want to come out as poly/having two partners, but it sucks that I’m always the one that has to be the secret partner, the one who has to keep to themselves in public. We’ll be out together and they can act like a couple in front of coworkers and family while I’m like a third wheel. It makes me feel so bad about myself, like I’m not equal in the relationship or feeling more like a side piece. I know if I said anything they’d probably just tell me “that’s just how it has to be.” Am I silly for feeling bad about this? Or is this unhealthy? I don’t want to break up because I love them but I’m tired of being the dirty secret. This is my first poly relationship so I’m not sure if this is normal, but I know it doesn’t feel good.

Your critical error here is assuming that they’d say “that’s just how it has to be” before you even try bringing it up with them. You’re not psychic - you can’t read their minds or see the future. Talk about this! Mention that you feel bad having to keep your place in the relationship so secret, and see if they have any thoughts, feelings, or ideas that you didn’t expect. It’s possible that they never really thought about it, or assumed you were okay with it, or even that you prefer things this way.

If they do say that this is how things have to be, and aren’t willing to talk about whether, where, and when it would be safe to come out as polyamorous and ask their friends, family, or coworkers to accept you as their coequal partner, you have to decide whether staying in an arrangement that “doesn’t feel good” and makes you feel like a “dirty secret” is worth it to you. But that is a bridge you definitely don’t need to cross until you know it exists!

Is it okay to feel differently about all my partners?

I'm in a 4 way relationship (two straight relationships that became one). I have a relationship with all 3 other people, but I feel like I have more feelings for my 'original' boyfriend. Is that right? Should my feelings for everyone be equal? Is it okay for me to work on certain relationships more than others? Sorry if this seems obvious or something, this is one of my first poly relationships.

It is very normal to feel differently about different people! Let each relationship be what it wants to be, and remember that you probably felt less strongly about your boyfriend when you had recently gotten together. Don’t try and “force it” or make your feelings be “equal,” that never works.

Be aware of ways that you might be being unfair to your other partners, though. Don’t flake on plans you make because you’d rather be with someone else, be careful of “taking sides” and other areas where you might be disregarding or ignoring someone else’s feelings. Don’t offer or promise more than you’re able and willing to give, and let things be what they are.

My partner is the one with the problem, but isn't the one asking for advice

I'm in a V with a man and his wife, and while my metamour (the wife) has gotten through many of her issues surrounding abandonment and jealousy and really welcomed me into their relationship, my partner has started feeling jealous about her seeing another man. He wants logically for them to be together and explore their feelings like he and I have, but he's struggling with feeling jealous when he sees them together. Do you have any advice for him on how to manage that?

It doesn’t matter what advice I’d have for him, because he’s not asking me for advice. You can’t manage his feelings for him, and you can’t seek advice for him. I don’t give unsolicited advice, and I don’t advise you to try and act as a go-between to try and give it to him.

It’s not a healthy relationship dynamic that you are doing this work on his behalf. Please do some thinking about the expectations in your relationship and reconsider how much you are doing to manage and mitigate his feelings. If you’ve taken it upon yourself without signals from him that he wants you to, then drop it. If he’s asked you, implicitly or explicitly, to do this work, start refusing.

My long distance boyfriend's wife won't let us meet in person, and I'm unhappy in this arrangement

I love my boyfriend to the ends of the earth and the idea of breaking up absolutely shatters my heart, but I genuinely don't know how long I can keep this up. My boyfriend, Harbell, lives 2000 miles away with his wife, Bonavra. Her boyfriend also lives out of state. Me and Harbell have been together over a year and never met in person because Bonavra isn't comfortable with it. We both knew we were poly when we got together so it wasn't a big deal when I started looking for physical affection with a closer partner. I realized very quickly that Harbell took care of my emotional needs completely in a way that made me feel like I didn't need/want another partner and stopped pursuing them. Now with no physical affection I'm getting very impatient with Bonavra, and it makes me feel bad because I do want to respect her boundaries but this is starting to feel more draining than freeing. I really really do not want to end things with Harbell.

You say that you do not want to end things with Harbell, but then explain that the relationship feels “more draining than freeing” and that you “don’t know how long [you] can keep this up.” That doesn’t sound like a relationship worth holding onto. It isn’t making you happy. What you don’t want to lose is something you don’t actually have - a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship with Harbell. You don’t want to lose the possibility of it, but it’s not smart to stay in a bad situation out of hope that it might get better someday.

You’ve never met him in person. You don’t like the terms of the relationship. He isn’t willing to take risks or do work in his marriage to move toward the possibility of seeing you in person. I think you ought to cut your losses and start pursuing relationships with people who can actually be present for you in all the ways you want them to be. Your heart will not, in fact, be shattered if you end things with Harbell. You will feel hurt and upset, but your heart will continue to pump blood and you will live. I know you really don’t want to end things, but sometimes, we have to do things we don’t want to do. Sometimes, things are hard and unfair and miserable. You can’t just refuse to endure unhappiness. That’s not an option.

You are already in an unhappy situation - the difference is that this one is just going to be unpleasant indefinitely. If you break up, things will hurt, but you’ll start the clock on the healing process. You’ll be giving yourself a head start on feeling better. If you stay in this relationship, you’ll just keep feeling like this until you eventually have to end things, and then you’ll have to make it through the sadness of a breakup anyway, but also after the sadness of an unfulfilling relationship. But if you’re really not ready to end things, consider moving at least some of your eggs into a different basket. Start seeing other people and really see for yourself whether anyone else is capable of being fun and affectionate and present in a way that makes you happy. Take Harbell off that pedestal and open yourself up to letting someone else be there for you emotionally as well as physically.

Let Harbell know that you’re feeling this way and ask if he’s able or willing to stand up to his wife and prioritize your relationship a bit more. Someone laying down a “boundary” does not automatically obligate everyone else to completely obey. This may be worth risking an uncomfortable conversation or a difficult argument or a point of contention between Harbell and Bonavra. But ultimately, if this is just how things are going to be indefinitely, I don’t think this is a relationship worth staying in much longer.

My partner and I want to have a threesome, and I'm both super excited and super nervous about the idea

So I am in a very loving and honest relationship with my amazing partner. Before we were together he joked about wanting to see me with be with another woman. At first in the start I was EXTREMELY insecure and the idea of it - never. Also trust issues due to shit past. But recently say last 3 months I’ve been thinking about inviting another woman to the bedroom - which I feel maybe at first I’ll be jealous due to my past but I’ll eventually end up loving it. He’s stated clearly it’s more for me - seeing my enjoyment and watching me devour someone else and get a little kinky…fair enough.

But I’m saying all that before either of us have even had a threesome. I’m now thinking about how much I’d love to have a girlfriend because I only see my partner on weekends due to him working away. The idea of a girlfriend is just more and more in my head. What should I do? How should I go about things disregarding my past because I really 99% reckon when push comes to shove I’ll be fine just the idea may freak me out. Also, thinking of a girlfriend more and more…is this normal? I don’t have ANYONE to ask. I’ve searched the net for something like this. Please help...

I think the first step is that both of you need to be a lot more honest with yourselves and each other. Your partner wants to have a threesome, and he wants the sexual enjoyment of seeing you with another woman. He needs to take ownership of the fact that this request is coming from him, not insist that it’s “more for you,” since you clearly aren’t totally comfortable with the idea.

You also need to disambiguate between having a threesome and having a girlfriend. Is this more of a sexual desire that you and your partner are exploring together? That has nothing to do with the fact that your partner isn’t around much and so you’d like to perhaps have a more available partner. What, specifically, are you wanting right now? Be clear with yourself. What is exciting? What is scary?

It is pretty understandable that you’d be thinking about this a lot, now that it’s come up. You’re working out whether you’d enjoy dating or having sex with a woman, and that’s naturally going to lead to daydreaming about the best case scenario, and thinking about your own hopes and desires. And it’s a good sign that the more you think about it, the more it feels like something you’d want.

But you need to remember that any woman you’d date or have sex with is a complete person, with thoughts and feelings and needs and desires. It is not fair to someone to force yourself to have sex with someone if you’re not comfortable with it, just expecting that you’ll get over it once things happen. Would you want to have sex with someone who felt that way about you? It’s also not fair to someone to date them just because your current partner isn’t around enough. What would you want out of the relationship besides “attention when my boyfriend isn’t around”? What do you have to offer her as a girlfriend?

My recommendation is to keep sitting with these thoughts and desires and don’t take any concrete steps toward a threesome just yet. With your partner, talk more about this - what you’d want, what you wouldn’t want, what your desires are, what your concerns are. Incorporate this fantasy into your current sex life, and consider reading erotica or watching porn together to talk about what you do and don’t enjoy.

Do self-work around your difficult past, and don’t just let it dictate your current reality. Jealousy and insecurity and fears shouldn’t be ignored or repressed, but they also don’t need to be acted on. Think about what you can do to prevent this from being a self-fulfilling prophecy and how you can manage those feelings with other strategies besides “force myself into a situation that doesn’t feel good but which I hope will feel good once I get started.”

Keep reading and learning about polyamory - you can start with my FAQ page for couples who want to “invite another woman to the bedroom,” as you put it. If you’re having trouble finding people to talk to about this, check the “Forums & Communities” section of my FAQ page here.

My boyfriend does some things that make me uncomfortable, like dating much younger women and doing drugs with them

I'm a 21yo girl and I started dating a 27yo guy a few months ago. At first he seemed a little weirded out by our age gap, but we had so much in common and meshed so well that we decided it didn't matter. Fast forward two or three months, and he's dating an 18yo girl! What? I'm weirded out by it. I'm still unsure if polyamory is right for me. I like being in an open relationship, but I think I want a primary partner and the freedom to have hook ups & casual flings as opposed to multiple serious relationships. So that's definitely a part of it.
Is it any of my business who he's dating? I'm curious about polyamory (like maybe I'll meet another guy I want to date and decide I do want to have multiple relationships after all). But ugh every time I think about him with such a young girl I feel uncomfortable. He's also big into party drugs and it makes me uncomfortable thinking about a 27yo giving an 18yo drugs. But at the same time, I don't know the girl and maybe I'm judging him too much. I just don't know how to navigate this.

It is entirely reasonable to be uncomfortable about the fact that a 27 year old man is in a sexual-romantic relationship with an 18 year old woman who he is doing drugs with. Saying that he’s “weirded out” by the age gap but then deciding it doesn’t matter is a very common tactic that older people use to get a younger person’s guard down, so don’t give him too much credit for that.

If you’re already unsure about whether the relationship is right for you, and you’re uncomfortable with your partner’s behavior, and you’ve only been together a handful of months, it’s probably best to gracefully move on from the relationship.

My girlfriend has been cheating on me but is calling it polyamory

My girlfriend has been hiding the fact she engages in poly relationships. I've come to find out after 4 years of our relationship my girlfriend enjoys polyamorous relationships. This caught me off guard due to her always saying the exact opposite. I don't know how I should feel, especially when I feel like she has been dating someone behind my back.

No, no, no, no, nope. That’s not polyamory, it’s cheating. If your girlfriend was dating other people “behind your back” or engaging in relationships that you didn’t know about, that’s cheating. Full stop, end of sentence. I am sorry that she is mis-using the concept of polyamory to try and paper over the fact that she violated your trust and the terms of your relationship. It’s not that you “feel like” she was cheating, lying, and hiding things from you - that’s an observation of reality, not a feeling. You are justified in feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, violated, and whatever else is coming up for you. It is probably time to end this relationship. I am sorry.

My girlfriend says different things to me and her other partner about marriage - but I only know because I looked at her phone

My partner and I have been poly for fourish months and have been together for 5 years. I know you are never supposed to do this, but I went through my primary partner’s phone because I had this crazy feeling after she suddenly told me she didn’t know if she ever wanted to get married and that she didn’t have any real feels for the guy she’s been seeing. But now I’m going crazy because just yesterday they were texting that they love each other and would love to marry one day. I know I should’ve never even looked, and I wish I didn’t. But now I’m going nuts. And I don’t know what to do. And I know doing crazy stuff like that just fuels the fire, but I felt like she was hiding things during our own conversations and I couldn’t stand it. Please help.

Looking at the language you used in your letter, you used the word “crazy” three times to describe how you felt and behaved, said that you’re “going nuts,” that you “couldn’t stand it,” and that there is a “fire” being “fueled.” It sounds to me like you are experiencing some intense emotions that feel totally overwhelming. It can feel like you’re at the whims and mercy of your feelings, and that you have no choice but to act on them. I know what it’s like to have a desperate need to soothe your pain, but unlike a burn that you want to get under hot water asap, not immediately acting on the urges of a powerful feeling won’t harm you in the long run.

I would advise you to check in with yourself about whether this is a larger pattern with you, in your relationships and elsewhere. Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in helping people choose responses to their feelings, rather than reacting as if they are driven by those feelings. You can also find a lot of self-help or DIY books and workbooks on this subject. It feels so much better to be in control of your actions rather than feeling backed into a corner by overwhelming emotions, trust me.

To address this specific situation, I’d ask yourself what, exactly, you want. Is it to know the truth of her inner desires and intentions regarding marriage? That might not be possible - you can’t peer inside her mind, and she may not even know herself. Is it a more honest conversation about how this new polyamorous relationship is impacting your plans and hopes for the future? A re-orientation of boundaries and expectations around communication openness? Think through your goals and what you’d like to find out from her, then ask her those clear, specific questions.

Think about where these “crazy feelings” of mistrust are coming from. She told you how she felt about marriage, but something in you didn’t believe her. Why did you suspect that she was telling her other partner different things? What might be going on in you, or between you and your girlfriend, that’s bringing this up? Why is it important to you that she’s saying the same things to both of you? Is marriage an issue you foresee coming up soon, or is this more a “principle of the thing” that makes you worry about her overall honesty with you? Think through what, exactly, is making you feel so threatened and upset, so you can address that with her. Try to keep the conversation focused on the ‘nuts and bolts’ of the emotions and needs at play, rather than the details around who said what to whom and when.

My partner has been keeping things from me because of how I responded to previous conversations

New to polyamory. Have been in this V relationship for about 8 months. I’ve had my struggles and my fears still working on this but I am doing MUCH better. I know I put a lot of crap on my significant other over my insecurities, just like being very needy and pretty much letting the craziness out to him. It’s been good but now he’s keeping things from me and I figure it’s because of me but it hurts. What do I do?

My mother raised and trained a very smart dog breed for a while before I was born. Something she said often was: “never punish the behavior that you want.” For example, never call a dog over to scold it for something, or to kennel it if it hates the kennel. If you want to train the dog to come when called, never associate that behavior with something negative.

People are the same way, though of course we’re much more complicated. It sounds like in the past, when your significant other shared things with you, you reacted in a way that felt uncomfortable or unpleasant for him. So he learned that if he wanted to avoid that negative stimulus, he needed to avoid those kinds of conversations with you.

Now, that’s not to say that people are never allowed to have emotional reactions or negative responses to things people tell us, or that if we show fear or struggle to our partner, that they’re absolved of their obligation to be honest with us. But I say often in this column that honesty goes both ways, and when we want people to be honest with us, we need to make sure it’s safe and comfortable for that person to share. Even if what we hear is hurtful or difficult, we need to respond to the content of what’s being said, not punish the act of sharing hard truths.

I know his withdrawal hurts, but try not to take it personally or let it prod you into picking fights or pulling away. Recognize that he is making a totally reasonable choice based on the evidence and experience he’s gotten from you.

First, let him know that you are aware that your past behavior made it hard for him to be honest with you, and you understand his reticence now. Take accountability for your part in creating the situation you two are now in. Let him know that you do very much want him to keep sharing things with you, and ask what you can do to help get back to that place.

Then, once you’ve made this clear, drop it - don’t pester him to tell you things he’s not comfortable sharing. You have to let your actions speak louder than your words. You can insist that you’re better now, but you need to show him. Take small opportunities to demonstrate your security. Cultivate a conversational space where he can be honest and share things with you. Reward the behavior you want to see, and give things time.

My husband wants to reconnect as just friends with a metamour I think is toxic

My husband and I are new to polyamory. He recently broke up badly with a gf that I came to regard as toxic to him. I always 100% supported his relationship with her and had compersion and compassion for them. However, as their feelings for each other escalated, he began treating me cruelly and caused me pain repeatedly in some of his actions.

After each hurt like that, I made my needs known, I told him how each action/behavior made me feel, but he continued. I believe, based on what I was learning about his gf, that she was manipulating him for her own gain. Last week I discovered that he had begun to fabricate things he'd and places he'd been when he'd actually been with her. And then when I asked him about it, he lied. I finally got him to admit what he had done. I don't know why he was doing it and neither does he. I never put any restrictions on him and was always supportive.

When I found out he had moved to the level of lying to me, I did something I never, ever wanted to do in our new poly life: I told him I would leave our relationship if he kept seeing her. He broke it off. Then he said he wanted to be friends with her on a platonic level to prove to himself and to me that he can. He had been superficially friends with her for 15 years before they became romantically involved, but all those 15 years, they were physically attracted to each other.

I am very worried about him doing this. I think it's a terrible idea and I've told him so. I've given him many reasons why I think it's dangerous territory, but he says he is still going to do it. Is it a good idea for him to re-establish a friendship with her?

No, I don’t think that sounds like a good idea. I don’t think his reasoning - “to prove that he can” - is sound, and I don’t think he’s being fair to you or honest with himself. But it ultimately doesn’t really matter what I think. It’s unlikely that your husband will change his mind based on the ref call of an anonymous internet person. You clearly think it’s a bad idea, and all you can control is yourself. You have to decide whether you’re willing to be in a relationship with someone who is doing these things - the lying, the inability to admit his true intentions, the refusal to honor your requests, etc. You can’t choose his actions, you can only choose your responses to them.

I'm dating a couple, but one of them gets violent, and I don't know what to do

I recently joined an existing polyamorous relationship where I live in the home. They have problems, but what concerns me most is that at least twice now he has come close to physically assaulting her when he loses his temper. My question is, she says even if he hits her it's not my place to step in to help her. She says I'm thinking monogamously when I say if we are partners I'm not just gonna watch as she is assaulted. What should I do? Should I just watch or should I step in to defend her?

You need to leave that relationship and that home immediately. Violent tempers like that are not safe. If you are at the point of trying to figure out what to do about the threat of physical assault, you are at the point of needing to leave. Right now. Here are my resources on leaving a bad relationship.

Because your question was how to help someone in danger of assault, you should call a local crisis line. Google your area and “domestic violence” and you can talk to someone who can point you toward resources.

This has absolutely nothing to do with monogamy or polyamory. Healthy polyamory does not include trying to protect partners from each other, not does it include “just watching” as someone is threatened or harmed. She is operating under an bizarre and warped belief that their self-identification as polyamorous means that she can’t receive help from a third party who isn’t okay with her being the victim of domestic violence. It’s entirely possible that he is the source of this belief and is mis-using “polyamory” to convince her to accept his abuse and to keep her from getting help.

Ultimately, you cannot “save her” on your own power. Planning to “step in” during an incident of domestic violence is not a good plan. You can provide her with resources. You can state clearly and pointedly that his behavior is unacceptable. You can enlist other supports. Then, you need to focus on keeping yourself safe. Please get out of there.

My wife and I got involved with her best friend sexually, but now I think I might want more

A couple months ago my wife (Barnella) and I met up with her best friend, Sloanette for drinks at a club. After a long night of drinking she out of nowhere comes to me and says we should take Sloanette home with us. I wasn't surprised considering she actually lived in our spare room for almost 3 years. What did surprise me was that when we got home Barnella told me she wanted to watch me have sex with Sloanette. After 3 hours of talking about it I finally got up the nerve and did what she asked. Now it had become an every Saturday thing for us. Which turns out to be amazing and has brought life back into the marriage. My problem now is that I am starting to have feelings for Sloanette. I still love my wife very much and nobody could ever replace her. So now I have no idea what to do. Please help!

This may not be as much of a problem as you think it is. Your wife clearly has strong feelings for Sloanette, as they’re best friends. She lived with you for three years and it sounds like the three of you have a lot of good energy together and enjoy each other’s company. You’ve been having sex with Sloanette for months now without your wife being “replaced.” Having frequent sex with someone makes it much likelier that you will “catch feelings” for them, and it’s possible your wife and/or Sloanette are having a similar experience.

First, think about what would actually change - you already like Sloanette and seem to enjoy hanging out with her as a friend and including her in your life, and you’re already having sex. That’s pretty close to a sexual-romantic relationship, but there is a gap. What’s in that gap, for you? What is new about these feelings that you’re developing? What are some new things you’d like to do with Sloanette that aren’t currently part of the relationship? Get some clarity within yourself so you can go into conversations equipped to be clear and honest.

Then, talk to Barnella about this! Let her know that starting something sexual with Sloanette has led to a desire for something more sexual-romantic. Ask her how she feels about this current arrangement where the three of you have some kind of sexual connection, and whether she’d be interested in a different kind of connection between the three of you. After that, discuss things with Sloanette. Make space for open, creative, thoughtful conversation about how everyone is feeling. You may find that not much needs to change functionally, but once you share your feelings, everyone shifts a little bit. Or, maybe new boundaries need to be drawn and new arrangements need to be made. Be flexible and gentle with yourself and each other, and follow what feels healthy and fun.