I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’ve dated this guy for a year and I’ve always had this nagging feeling I shouldn’t be. He’s married and poly but he wasn’t always poly. His wife doesn’t approve but deals with it because what else can she do. They’re married and she loves him. I know it hurts her to see him with other people so it makes me feel guilty being with him but i know if he weren’t with me he’d be with someone else so it wouldn’t matter either way because it’ll never be just them.

I think a better way to frame this is not what you owe her - the logic that if you leave him, he’ll just date someone else, so it doesn’t matter - but whether this is kind of arrangement is healthy for you. Having someone else’s grudging barely-consent, pain, and bitterness hanging at the emotional periphery of your relationship seems like it’s really bothering you. Which is a perfectly valid reaction to this situation! It’s very okay to set the limit for yourself that you’ll only date people who are in healthy, fully consensual, mutually happy polyamorous arrangements. If you’re in a relationship and a major aspect of that relationship is making you feel bad, then it’s not a good relationship for you! End of story.