i identify as poly, and when i got with my current primary partner (we are married) I had just gotten out of a 5yr mono relationship, so we agreed that we would be open to new partners. my first secondary partner she mostly avoided, and the second who she agreed would make an excellent third for a triad and I had come to consider my life partner, she decided that she hated. finally she told me that she doesn’t actually want a poly relationship. what am I supposed to do? i feel so lost.

It sounds like you’re married to someone who is not cut out for being in a polyamorous relationship. That’s really hard, but it sounds like she tried polyamory and ultimately realized it wasn’t healthy or working for her. All you can ask of her is that honesty.

Your choice now is to stay in a monogamous relationship with this person, or leave to pursue polyamory. You could keep pushing for polyamory, but then her choice is to stay in a polyamorous relationship or leave to pursue monogamy. This is a tough situation, but there’s no way for everyone to get everything they want.