I was that grey-Ace anon and whoops Im sorry I didn’t mean to be offensive with wording and sound so bad 😅 I just didn’t know how to word it. Thanks for your answer though!

Hey, it’s okay! 

I don’t usually post follow-ups like this, but in this case I want to point out that when I call attention to language like I did in the most recent letter, I am never trying to shame someone or say that they are being offensive or wrong. 

Instead, I believe strongly that healthy polyamory (and healthy personhood, honestly) means recognizing our unconscious assumptions. We need to identify what we believe, pull it into the light, examine it, and with intentionality decide whether we want to keep that belief or not.

A lot of times, we move through the world thinking that how we see things is just an objective observation of reality - that if we interpret something one way, that’s just how it is. Because how else are we supposed to know what the world is like if we can’t trust our senses and interpretations?

But when you sit down with yourself, your thoughts and feelings, you might find that some “facts” you take for granted; some of the structure of your worldview - it’s not that useful or true.

So when I call attention to the language in a letter, I am not trying to correct you or call you out. I am trying to say, “hey, based on your language, you might actually be framing things this way - I encourage you to recognize that that is a way of framing things rather than simply how things inherently are.”

Looking at the language we use is a great way to expose and explore the underlying assumptions we have about the world! It’s just a little “hey, did you notice…” from me, trying to be helpful, not accusatory! The words we choose for things we struggle to define can be powerful clues about how our minds are putting it all together.

Another example might be me saying “I know I shouldn’t be so angry, but I really can’t stand when my mom does XYZ.”  I’m trying to talk about the issue with my mom, but my therapist stops me and points out that I prefaced my emotions with “I shouldn’t feel this way” and encourages me to explore that sense of shame or repression around my anger. To me, it was just an innocuous conversational way of introducing a topic, but she is trained to see these patterns and help us be cognizant of them. It doesn’t mean it was a bad thing to say, just that it’s good to pay attention to the words we use, because sometimes they reveal things we haven’t consciously noticed. 

Go forth, live intentionally, date healthfully, and keep sending me letters! <3