I’m poly and gray asexual, but I’m in a monogamous relationship. The only person I can see myself having sex with is my boyfriend. Anyone else I don’t want that. If we agreed to bring someone in, could it only be for romantic purposes and not sexual?

You’re asking the wrong person here - I can’t be the one who gives the go-ahead for the relationship arrangement you want. That’s up to your boyfriend and anyone else you date.

Think through, really clearly, what you want and what you mean by “bring someone in” and “only for romantic purposes.” First off, be careful with language that accidentally frames things in a possessive or objectifying way - people are not toys you “bring in” to your relationship; you have a relationship with people, it’s two-sided and dynamic. And people are not “for…purposes” - polyamory is not permission to see or treat other people like need-meeting machines.

My advice for you is to sit down and really, clearly, honestly, clarify what you want.

Does that mean you want to date other people, but not have sex with them? That seems entirely possible, especially if you find another ace or gray-ace person.

Does that mean you want to add a third to your relationship and date someone as a couple? In that case, would this person have the option of sex with your boyfriend? Would you expect it to be a closed relationship between the two of you, or would you be okay with this third person having other romantic and/or sexual partners?

Keep in mind that the proposition “I want you to date me and my boyfriend, but not have sex with either of us, even though we’re having sex with each other” is a hard sell, and if you add, “and also, we don’t want you to date or have sex with anyone else,” it’s even worse. You may need to decide what you’re willing to compromise or sacrifice to get most of what you want, if all of what you want means making setting unreasonable terms.

You also need to work out a definition of what a “romantic” relationship means to you, as distinguished from a sexual one. How much physical affection does that include? How does it differ from a close friendship? What kind of commitment does it include? What labels would you prefer to use for each other?

We live in a vast world, one where just about anything is possible, and people have all sorts of different needs and desires when it comes to sex, romance, monogamy, and relationships. It’s entirely possible that you can find what you’re looking for. You just need to know what it is that you’re looking for, and have a relational arrangement that is healthy for everyone, including this hypothetical third person.