I’m a pansexual woman and I’ve recently been questioning if I’m poly. My big problem is that I can also see myself being comfortably monogamous. I often hear of poly being an all-or-nothing sort of thing where if you’re poly you know because you can’t be happy in a monogamous relationship, but I don’t feel like that applies to me. I know I’d be uncomfortable being in a open relationship (where we have other partners separately) but a triad is something I can see being extremely fulfilling for me.

Poly is not “all or nothing” - nothing about human identity is all-or-nothing. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! I get a lot of questions on this blog about people who saw something written online in very concrete terms and are nervous because it doesn’t apply to them. But no one on the internet or anywhere else is the True Arbiter Of Human Identity.

Someone else out there might believe that if you’re poly, you can only picture yourself being happy in a poly arrangement and monogamy will make you miserable. You don’t have to agree with them. (I don’t.) It’s okay if your experiences don’t match someone else’s descriptions or claims, no matter how strongly they’re worded. Just like everything else, poly identity and experiences exist along a spectrum.

I loved being an English major but think I could also have been happy and fulfilled studying theology. Many people who are sexually attracted to one gender could also enjoy being with another. And - just like all other identities - the way you know you’re poly is complex and nuanced and involves a lot more than a simple inability to be happy otherwise.

It’s up to you to find the identity that works for you, and you don’t need anyone else’s permission. You may choose to identify as polyflexible, bipoly, mono/poly, polyfidelitous - or you may not like any of these words at all. It’s up to you! And to all my followers - if you ever come across something that denies or delegitimizes your own experiences, you’re allowed to disagree with it, no matter how sure the person is of their opinion.