My hubby and I have been together for almost 2 years, he is married. His wife and I get along splendidly, except when it comes to intimacy between hubby and I. She gets extremely pissed off whenever we do as little as hug in front of her. Kissing is completely out of the question, even if it’s just a peck. Yet she’s allowed to both hug and kiss him in my presence, which I don’t mind. It’s extremely annoying to not just me, but also hubby. Any tips on how we should talk to her?

That sounds frustrating, and a little bizarre, considering how comfortable she seems with everything else. My advice would be to ask her to explain why, exactly, she gets so angry about the PDA and has such a double-standard. As in all things poly, there are multiple stems for this emotion, and it’s most productive for all parties involved to understand and recognize those stems. Does she feel like PDA is the one “final frontier” that she and her husband have special and exclusive to their relationship? Does she feel like she isn’t always in control and wants to have “veto power” over just one thing? Does she worry about how it looks to other people? These are all different reasons for her to feel the same way, and you three can’t solve the problem if you don’t really get to the bottom of it.

The other piece of advice I have is to be gentle and validate her feelings even while advocating for your own needs. Even if her reasons for wanting you two to avoid PDA around her seem selfish, irrational, stupid, unfair, or just bizarre, don’t voice that opinion in those terms. She has a right to feel her feelings, even if they may not be healthy or productive. Come to the conversation from an angle of love and compromise, and make sure she doesn’t feel that you and your partner are “ganging up on her.” Approach it as a problem to be solved as a team, rather than her issue that you’re demanding she get over. It’s often tough to find that sweet spot in hard conversations like this, so be really intentional about it. Good luck!