Since opening our relationship, I worry that I'm not attractive anymore

My partner and I just opened our relationship and she's been with a few people since. At first our sex life with each other was pretty exciting but things have seemed to fizzle out recently. I'm naturally anxious that she doesn't find me so attractive anymore now that she's been with others but I also know that probably isn't a valid feeling. Any advice on navigating these feelings? It's not the lack of sex that's getting to me so much as the idea that I might not be attractive to her anymore.

You've done a good job identifying that these feelings are coming from your anxious tendencies, not empirical observations. Keep working on them from that perspective. Remind yourself that you are not psychic, and assumptions about the inner state of your partner's sexual attraction may not be accurate. 

Identify what your partner does, or can do, to make you feel reassured that she is still attracted to you. Let her know that you might need some extra security around this issue and be clear about what she can do to help you feel better. 

Read up about NRE in polyamorous relationships - this is a pretty common phenomenon. An established partnership's sex and romantic life often 'fizzles' into a dip when a new partner enters the picture. This is common, but can still be painful and disruptive. Being able to name and identify it often helps, though. 

Sometimes, it takes a bit more intentionality and focus to re-ignite what has 'fizzled out' during NRE. Consider planning some date time for just the two of you or trying something new and sexy together (shop for new sex toys together, look into local sexy events, book a sexy photoshoot together, read erotica or watch porn together, take mojo upgrade together, etc.)

That anxious little voice in your head may try to convince you that it "doesn't count" if you have to ask, or if it's not totally spontaneous - but that's bogus. Long-term sexual and romantic relationships require cultivation and attention, and that's just part of opening your relationship in a healthy way.

Every time my girlfriend starts seeing a new person she kind of forgets about her other partners, or maybe it’s just me, and I’ve tried to talk about it with her and she gets really upset and tells me I’m just being jealous and possessive which isn’t true. She stop paying attention to me, she talks less, seems uninterested, stops asking me to do things, and talks about the other person a lot. The relationships don’t last long but it still bothers me to be cast aside like that. Idk what to do.

This is a relatively well-known phenomenon in polyamory called New Relationship Energy, or NRE. I am of the belief that NRE is everyone’s responsible - the person experiencing NRE needs to manage it such that they aren’t being totally selfish, and the other partners need to recognize that this is part of the ebb and flow of a polyamorous relationship.

Dating a new person is, for some people, fun and exciting and thrilling in a very specific way. Some people don’t like this newness, because things like figuring out how to flirt and not being sure of the other person’s feelings is stressful and exhausting. Some people see the early-dating games as just things you have to get past to be in a comfortable, secure relationship. But, for other people, it is a pleasure that can be nearly impossible to experience inside a long-term relationship.

I am, personally, something of an NRE thrill-seeker. I like being pursued and pursuing; I like the little butterflies I feel when a new partner answers my text. With my partner of 9 years, I absolutely love and enjoy him, but it isn’t super exciting when he answers my texts, because I know he’s going to. I love short little flings, but I recognize that this is not a thing I can expect all my partners to intuitively understand.

The thing about a new relationship is that it does tend to take more time and focus than an established relationship. Rather than coming over and flopping around on the couch if we have nothing planned, new relationships require dates, which require planning and time. And a new person does occupy a lot of thought-space, daydreaming about them, thinking about when and how to answer their most recent message, etc. This necessarily takes time away from established partners.

So it sounds like what’s happening is that your partner really enjoys NRE, but doesn’t have the language to identify what it is and what’s important to her about it. Since she cherishes this feeling, when you ask her to minimize or drop the focus on new partners, she gets defensive and accuses you of being jealous or possessive, because from her perspective, you’re asking her to stop doing something she really enjoys and does not want to stop.

From your perspective, she is “casting you aside,” but from hers, she is just doing something fun with her time, and it doesn’t have anything to do with how she feels about you. It sounds like there is a lot of room for compromise on both sides. She does not owe you 100% of her time and focus, but she also doesn’t have the right to be dismissive or inconsiderate. When she’s enjoying an NRE-heavy fling with a new partner, perhaps you could make the request that she not talk about them with you, that she not be texting them while with you, etc. Whatever specific behavior she is doing that makes you feel like she’s not interested in you, bring that up.

You may also have to make the compromise of accepting that there will be periods where she’s less available to you - just as there would be if you had a partner who traveled often for work or had a very sick relative that they cared for. It sounds like she returns to you in the end and her affection for you at its core isn’t threatened by these flings, so setting up the expectation that sometimes she enjoys throwing herself into a new relationship and you may need to do more of the date-planning or see less of her for a while could help on your end.

Of course, if you find it really uncomfortable to date someone who is way more NRE-seeking than you and who needs the freedom to enter these periods of lower-availability, you are well within your rights to decide that this relationship isn’t for you. But I’ve found that in the case of NRE-induced friction, putting names to the feelings and clarifying expectations can really help. 

hello! I’ve been in a mono relationship for two years now with a boy I’m head over heels for. Recently within the last month or so, my boyfriends friend admitted he also had feeling for me for a while. After asking about it with my boyfriend we agreed to try a poly relationship. We’ve had some bumps in the road but it seemed as though things were going well until my boyfriend recently admitted that he feels distant from me and it hurts him to see me with his friend… I don’t know what to do now.

You’ve been trying polyamory for a month, so it hasn’t been much time - that’s a key signal that what you may be facing is something called NRE, or New Relationship Energy.

Because of how our brains work, new partners can often be more exciting or interesting than long-term partners. They’re still novel and we’re learning about them, playing the flirty new-relationship game, which takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. Because we’re not as secure in the relationship, it’s still exciting when we get a text from them. Because we don’t have a long-standing routine of being together a lot, we look forward to the next time we see them.

My recommendation is to read up about NRE and polyamory, and encourage your boyfriend to do the same. It may help him to have the reassurance that this is a known phenomenon in newly-poly arrangements. Then, see if the two of you can work together to mitigate the effect that NRE is having on you two. Go out of your way to plan special little things together or do things for each other to re-ignite the spark of NRE that you had two years ago.

If, after all this, he’s still uncomfortable, it’s his right to decide that this isn’t working out for him. But this might be a much simpler and more solvable problem!

Hello! I’m in a relationship that is transitioning to being Poly. My partner is talking to this other girl and I can’t help but be really jealous at the fact that he is so much more affectionate and talkative to her than he ever was with me! I know it must sound silly but it really hurts that she asks him to call him more and he immediately jumps to when I made a similar request at the beginning and he never did. Things like that. Feel a little like a toy that he is bored of.

If this is a new development and your partner is otherwise attentive to your needs, this might just be a classic case of NRE, or “new relationship energy.” It’s common for people to be a bit more excited about a new relationship, and to focus more of their time and attention on it. Often, this tapers off and isn’t a lasting threat to an existing relationship.

But if you feel like he never gave you this kind of attention, even in the beginning of your relationship, and is doing things for her that he was never willing to do for you, that’s a different sort of problem. The best thing to do is to talk to him about this - try to be non-accusatory, if you can. Don’t insist that he’s doing something wrong or that he clearly likes her more. Just point out some specifics in his behavior that have been bothering you, and ask how the two of you can find a way for him to pursue this new relationship without making you feel like he is getting bored of you.

He may respond with surprise - it may be that he has just been making choices without much thought and never stopped to consider that he’s been mismatching his time and attention. If he’s willing to be more sensitive and intentional with making sure he acts on his feelings for you, problem solved. But if he gets defensive, if he acts like you have no right to make these requests of him, or if he insists that your perspective is wrong and you’re getting plenty of his attention, that’s a red flag that this may not be a person you can have a healthy poly relationship with.