How do I handle wanting to marry both of my partners?

how do you handle having two partners and wanting to marry both of them?

If you’re in America, plural marriage is still illegal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t address that desire in other ways.

What is it that you want, specifically? Do you want your union and commitment to be recognized by your friends and family? Do you want to live together, sharing a home and finances and domestic duties? Do you want to throw a big party celebrating your relationship?

Identify what you want, what “wanting to marry” really means to you. Journal. Daydream. Make pinterest boards. Whatever. And then, set about making those dreams come true. It might take some unconventional work, some legal consults, some research, and some creativity - but once you figure out what you want, get out there and get after it!

My partner and I have been married for almost ten years. We recently decided to have a commitment ceremony with our mutual lifemate. I’m finding very few resources on planning our ceremony. Any help?

The thing about forging a new and mostly untrodden path is that you get to forge the path yourself! That can be simultaneously liberating and terrifying. 

Take a step back and identify what you’re looking for resources in. If it’s general event planning, lots of resources for wedding planning should be easy to tweak. Things like invitations, budgeting, venue, food, decorations, etc. for your event can be as traditional as you want.

If you mean planning the content of the ceremony itself, you may have to patch together things from your life that you find meaningful. If you’re having an officiant or someone with a similar role, hopefully you chose them because you respect their perspective on life in general and their insight into your relationship. Talk to them about what they recommend!

Is there anything from your partner’s and your marriage that you’d like to bring back in? A renewal of your vows? A family tradition you want to welcome your lifemate into? Think about ways to include that.

Is there a book excerpt, a poem, song lyrics, or something else that you and your partners find especially moving, or that you feel strongly reflects your relationship? You can read something in unison or have each person share something important to them.

Are there people in your life who provide support and guidance for your relationship? Consider asking them to share a short reflection or choose a reading to share.

If any of you belong to any spiritual or cultural traditions that have wedding practices, think about including those. Candle lighting, hand-fasting, prayer, sand pouring - anything that speaks to you. You can also make up your own symbolic ritual with anything from water to crystals to ribbons to paint.

Is there a way you want to include all the guests, or engage with the wedding party? You could do a shared dance in a circle, a guided meditation together, a ring-warming, 

This ceremony is truly yours to create. You can stick to the traditional “wedding” script of an officiant’s blessing, exchanged vows, some recitations, and a kiss, and just make each section yours with your own content. You can add anything else that works for who you are - art, dancing, silence, primal screaming - whatever feels right to you!

Some other resources:

Offbeat Bride (try searching for polyamory - there’s tons of stuff there, like this great resource)

Commitment Ceremonies section in Unmarried Equality

Polyamorous Wedding Ceremony

Wedding ritual ideas

I want to ask you about transitioning from a poly partner to marriage. We’ve only been dating for 6 months and we’re nowhere near the state of marriage. Especially since she’s moving away soon. But I really want to marry her. I’ve come to terms with our polyamory. I’m very new to it and this is my first healthy polyamorous relationship. My partner’s partner is awesome and respectful and great! And of course deserves love! My partner is fucking amazing and I want to marry her! I guess we need to talk about things. I don’t want to be like, “if we get married then we have to be monogamous.” Cause that’s just toxic! But I just don’t know what a polyamorous marriage would look like. 

It all comes down to what marriage means to you. If you see it as a “next step” of commitment - you go from dating to living together to engaged to married - that’s very different than seeing it as a legal/economic shift. 

It is illegal in all states to marry more than one person; it is illegal in many states to be legally married to someone but “live as if married” with someone else. So if you what you want is a legal document giving you certain rights when it comes to taxes, healthcare, etc. then you’ll need to “choose” someone to marry - but that doesn’t mean the people who are married can’t make it to the emotional commitment level of “married” with anyone else; it just means they can’t legally marry.

So if you’re concerned about the emotional trappings of marriage - new titles, a new level of commitment, vows spoken, a wedding ceremony - talk about that. Do you believe doing that with one person precludes either of you from getting there with someone else? Why or why not? Talk about what marriage means to you, and how you see that in your future. Talk about how you expect that to impact other relationships. Talk about your hopes, dreams, and definitions of marriage.

If you’re concerned about the legal aspect, talk about that. Do you, your partner, or your partner’s partner own property, hold a job, have healthcare needs, or have any other extenuating circumstance that would make a legal marriage an especially good or bad idea? Do you have concerns about child custody, estate planning, taxes, or similar issues? Do you feel that a non-legally-sanctioned “commitment ceremony” is different than an official wedding? Why or why not? 

Figure out what a polyamorous marriage would look like to you, and talk about it with your partner. Carve your own road. Know what you need and advocate for yourself, but be open to hearing other perspectives. Identify what it is that you’re really concerned about - whether it’s what marriage represents to you; or the legal hassle of it all; whether you’re especially concerned about what it will look like to live together or raise children - and focus on that. “Marriage” is too nebulous and vague a concept here, so pin down a definition and figure out what to focus on, then talk it out with yourself and your partners!