In a new quad couple relationship. He wants everything equal. Like she comes over here, I should go over there. I don’t see that as feasible. They are newer to polyamory than my husband and I. I don’t want to upset him or her. IDK what to say or do without upsetting the situation.
In some cases, it’s impossible to have the conversation that needs to be had without introducing a little bit of conflict.
It is okay to set some boundaries, being gentle but firm. You could say something like:
“I know you want to try and keep things equal, but in my experience, rigid ‘score-counting’ and insisting on exact equality harms more than it helps. It is unrealistic to expect that what every couple does together is perfectly mirrored by the other two. For me, ‘equality’ doesn’t mean ‘everyone does the same thing,’ it means ‘everyone gets what they need.’ It’s a feeling and a philosophy rather than a balance sheet. What makes you feel ‘unequal,’ and how can we address that? What needs do you have? What fears, needs, or desires make you want such exact ‘equality’ of time spent? And how can we meet those without holding our relationships to impossible rules?”
If he is so stuck on this that he insists that the only way for this to work is to adhere to a standard and practice you find impossible, perhaps this is not a person you’re compatible with in a quad-couple arrangement.