I’ve been mono married for 10 years. We started exploring Polyamory three years ago. After a great deal of talking and dating we have both found partners. My new partner and I have had sex. My husband hasn’t had sex w/his partner yet, last night He said some hurtful things to her Now he’s feeling very sorry for himself and is upset she’s mad at him and that I don’t enjoy sex w/him, my hubby. I’m concerned with how my hubby talked to his gf and that he’s feeling so down on himself.

First off, congrats on making the transition from a 7 year mono marriage into polyamory, and maintaining it for three years! There will be bumps in the road, and that’s okay. Being poly means that relationships in which you’re not a direct participant affect you as well. Sometimes that’s awesome, sometimes it’s a huge pain. Sometimes our partners have fights with their other partners, and they feel bad about that. That’s a fact of polyamory. How we respond to it is a personal choice on our part.

If you think your husband was unfair, unkind, or otherwise out of line with his partner, you can try to gently help him understand why what he said was hurtful to her. Or, you can establish a policy of not giving your partners advice about their other partners. That’s a boundary you need to draw for yourself.

If you are worried that your husband’s behavior is a red flag - that it means he might treat you the same way, or that he’s not ready for healthy polyamory - then it’s more your business, and you need to discuss with him what your concerns are and how they need to be addressed.

If you think this was more of a minor blip, a run-of-the-mill fight between partners, then do your best to console him as you would a friend who was upset with their partner, help him sort things out to whatever extent you’re comfortable, and ride it out with the knowledge that it’s not a situation in your control.

If this is affecting you more than you think is fair or healthy - if he’s constantly stressed about this, venting to you, etc. - then you have the right to let him know gently that while you understand he’s having a tough time with his other partner, you need him to dump less of it on you and do his best to be present to his relationship with you when you’re together.

In the end, what happens between your husband and his partner is between them. You only have control over what happens between you and your husband.