What do you do to help with being the wife sharing time with a new wife? Just beginning a polyamorous relationship and planning for both of us to have a commitment ceremony with our unicorn but new to willingly giving up time with my spouse. So far what time I’ve shared is primarily when I’m working so not really given up any but with the shift in our relationship I’m sure it will change. Any advice?

First off, mazel tov on your commitment ceremony!

I think the key issue here is the framing. You talk about “willingly giving up time with your spouse,” like time with them is a finite resource that belongs to you, and any time she gets is something you have to “give up.” It’s important to remember that if you three are all married, you are all on equal footing. She is not taking away something that is yours; she is spending time with her spouse. You are not “the wife,” you are “a wife.” Take a close look at the language you used here, do some introspection, and make sure you aren’t seeing her as somehow less important, less connected, less entitled to intimacy with your spouse.

Try and figure out why you have an issue with the two of them spending time together without you. Is it just the “principle” of it - that you have to give up something you feel entitled to - or is it more specific, like you don’t get as much of your spouse’s time and attention as you need? If it’s the first one, like I said above, you need a re-framing. The three of you are just going to need to live your lives as a married triad, which means different people will be around at different times. If it bothers you to know they’re together without you, you need to work on that with yourself if this arrangement is going to work.

If you’re worried about something more concrete - like being asked to leave so they can have time together, or being stuck on your own, that’s less emotionally significant, and therefore more easily solvable. Usually, in relationships like this, things settle into natural rhythms. Everyone needs alone time; you might find yourself grateful that if you’re not in a social mood, they can hang out together and no one will pester you for attention. And it is likely that the two of them may plan or need quality time together - in which case, your best bet is to just make other plans. She should do the same for you if and when you need one on one time with your spouse.

But neither of you is graciously deigning to “share” that person. Be wary of that framing - if you start seeing it that way, it can start to feel zero-sum, and possessive, and threatening, and that is not a good road to go down.