Hey! I had a girlfriend and she has a boyfriend, and well I want to date someone else as well, I’m open for dating boys girls whatever (I’m pan) but the thing is, it’s really difficult to find someone who is comfortable with a poly relation, and also, my sexuality along with the kind of relation I had, usually makes me look like a kind of a promiscuous hoe. I don’t know what to do, any advice?

Step one: make an OKC profile, be clear about who you are, and go on dates while being your awesome self! Go to poly meetups in your area and meet people!

Step two: Be patient. Remember that even monogamous people have a hard time finding someone who likes them for who they are. Dating is tough, and if you’ve been running into mostly people who don’t want to date a polyamorous pansexual person, that can be really frustrating, but don’t give up!

Step three: Remember that being promiscuous is only a ‘negative’ for some people. It’s okay to enjoy sex and have a lot of it! You don’t want to date someone who judges you for who you are and how you like to express that, so if people judge you for that, they’re just doing the work for you of screening out folks who wouldn’t be good for you to date.

Stay safe (get tested, have safe sex), be a fun partner (always practice good consent, focus on your partner’s pleasure, study up on whatever sexual stuff you like to do), and you’ll eventually find people who appreciate, rather than get spooked by, who you are as a sexual being.

So my girlfriend is a lesbian and I am pansexual, we’ve been in a polyrelationship since the beginning of this year (starting to identify as such). We’re trying to make it work and it’s going quite great so far; But I started to have a crush on a man recently and since she is a lesbian she is far less receptive about this crush than the others. I know communication is the key and we’re talking, but I wondered if some people or you could give me some extra advice for this situation.

Unless you two are hoping for a “polyfidelitous” or “triad” arrangement someday soon (where all involved partners all date each other) I don’t entirely see why your other partners’ genders have much influence on your partner’s opinion of them. So I’d encourage you to find out. Why does she feel less comfortable with you dating men, even though she knows you’re attracted to other genders?

Once you know the issue, you can address it better. Maybe she’s worried that you’ll be comparing her to him and feels threatened by you having a partner so different from her. Maybe she doesn’t like having men intimately involved in her network. Maybe it has nothing to do with this person’s gender and she just doesn’t like him. You need to find out so you can actually communicate about it.

Encourage her to be open and honest with you, and to dig deep into her reasoning and feelings. Do this by asking clear questions and listening actively - not with the intent of finding a response but only to totally understand what she’s saying. Don’t be defensive or accusatory. Treat this as something worth figuring out as a team rather than a problem to be solved by one person convincing the other one of something.