My fwb’s gf is mono and even though he’s been with me and his wife since before the gf got involved, she’s always complaining about how he must not really love her because he won’t leave me and his wife for her. I’m trying to be patient, but damn :(

That sounds like a tough situation - but not one you can do much about, or are really responsible for, unless she’s making these complaints directly to you? In that case, you have the right to be clear with her and/or your FWB that you don’t think that’s healthy or appropriate for her to say around you, and that you need partners of partners to be understanding and accepting of the terms of your relationship.

But if you’re hearing this secondhand from your FWB, there’s less that you can do. If you’re worried that he is eventually going to give in to her demands and leave you, bring that concern up with him, and see what he says. If you’re worried that her pushing for this is hurting him, you can speak up - it is our business when our partners are in unhealthy situations. And if you think he’s somehow leading her on or taking advantage of her, say something. But beyond that, it sounds like this isn’t your problem.

Not to say it isn’t a problem - this woman seems to be in denial and is clearly in a situation that is unhealthy for her. But if you believe that your FWB is doing things in an above-board way and this isn’t affecting his health or yours, sometimes all you can do is step back and let other people make bad choices. 

Hey, I’m in need of some help. Me and my girlfriend of almost two years are great, to my knowledge she’s strictly mono and lately I’ve been feeling some things for another girl while not losing any feelings for my partner, I’ve been very curious about polyamory and don’t know how to bring it up to my girlfriend or if I should at all. She’s more on the jealous side and I’m afraid telling her would make her feel insecure about own own relationship and thus hurt her. Simply put, what do I do?

I get variations on this question a lot - and it’s a tough situation. It can be difficult to bring up the concept of polyamory with a monogamous partner without triggering a lot of fear, anger, jealousy, and other difficult feelings that can derail the conversation.

My advice would be to leave this other girl out of the conversation, at least for now. Bring up polyamory as an idea, as a way of thinking about relationships. Because that’s what it is. It’s not “permission to cheat,” it’s not “I’m getting bored of you,” it’s not “something is missing from our relationship” - it’s “hey, there’s another model of relationships out there, and I’ve been thinking more about it. What are your thoughts?”

And then it’s important to really hear your partner out and try to understand their perspective. (This will be good practice for if you do end up trying polyamory - communication skills are a must.) It can be tempting just to listen for weak arguments that you can poke holes in, or try to challenge everything they say with something well-reasoned or defensive. Don’t do this. Listen, openly and with a mind to understand, not to convince. 

Most people aren’t stupid, and they’ll realize that you’re bringing this up for serious discussion because it’s something you’ve been thinking about. Be prepared with what you’ll say, but again, don’t come at it like a defense attorney. Respond to what your partner said and answer their questions, after you’ve listened enough to fully understand where they’re coming from, and leave the conversational gates open for more discussion. 

Good luck!

i identify as a monogamus person, but ive recently got into a relationship with a girl that is poly. Shes dating 4 other boys and while im ok with that, im a little nervous since i feel i could be easily disposed. And i cant open up and love the others as well because im a lesbian. Ive expressed these feelings to her but she just said not to worry. Do you have any advice for me?

There’s a lot here to address. First: kudos to you for jumping in and trying this even though it’s out of your comfort zone. I certainly hope the girl you’re dating has been grateful and patient and acknowledged the risk and sacrifice you’re taking to step into this with her.

Second: the fact that your partner is dating other people doesn’t mean you “could be easily disposed.” People (especially poly people) don’t date people for the sake of it, or just to avoid being single. They date people who they like and feel a connection with. When I went through a breakup with one of my partners recently, I was devastated. I really cherished him and the relationship we had, and I was sad about losing that. It wasn’t like “oh, no big, I’ve got backups.” The fact that I have other relationships doesn’t mean that the loss of one isn’t important.

Think about it this way - which do you like more, your bed or your fridge? If you had to get rid of one, which would you pick? It’s certainly a hard choice, and one that doesn’t make much sense. The bed and the fridge meet different needs for you, and one doesn’t replace the other. If you lost your fridge, you couldn’t just start storing food in your bed and go on like normal. Each relationship occupies a different part of our life, and they’re not fungible or disposable.

Second: You’re not obligated to become romantically involved with your partner’s partners. If you feel like your partner is pushing for that, or hoping for it, or idealizing that as the end result, have a clear chat with her about that. That said, you can totally open up and come to love these guys without getting sexually and romantically involved with them. Being part of a poly network or family can be warm and fulfilling for some people - so if you’d like to grow close to them, it’s totally possible to do that even without the expectation of becoming partners yourselves.

Third: If your partner is dismissing your concerns, that’s a big red flag. Polyamory requires open communication, and part of that is making sure you understand, honor, and respond to issues that your partners bring to you. Your partner may be trying to reassure you that you won’t be replaced, but you deserve to have your concerns heard and addressed deeply rather than with a sweeping “don’t worry about it.” Let your girlfriend know that you do want to try making this work with her, but that means she needs to guide you a bit more, explaining things and hearing you out.

Good luck!

I’m in a relationship with a woman who’s poly while I’m not. Right now, I’m the only one she has and she can’t promise I’ll always be her only one, and she’s also said it’s not likely I’m the one she’ll choose to marry someday. However, she swears I’m the one she’ll always love most by far, and that I’m absolutely everything to her, wanting to keep me for life, even if she does have other relationships and marries someone else someday. How can this make sense, and can I believe her?

I think it’s healthier to let relationships unfold organically and be what they need to be at the time. It sounds like she’s doing the opposite by focusing on future contingencies that don’t need to be addressed right now. It sounds like trying to predict/pre-define how everything will shake down between you two “for life” or “someday” is preventing you from dealing with how things are right here, right now - which is the only thing you can ever really address.

I don’t see the purpose in telling the person you’re with that they’re “not likely” to be the one you “choose” to marry - that seems manipulative and rather cruel. Perhaps part of the issue is getting to her understanding of what marriage means. Why is she so concerned about picking one person to marry, and why does she feel like that’s a distinction that’s so important to make between partners? Talking about that might help - but I think there’s a deeper issue here, and that’s the way she’s treating you.

There needs to be some clear boundary setting between you two, so both of you agree on and understand the terms of your relationship. It’s not about promises, it’s not about the intensity of feeling - it’s about realizing what needs you two have and how/whether you can meet them for each other. If she keeps deflecting from practical, productive work on your relationship as it is now by using sweeping emotional promises and manipulative hints at a currently-nonexistent future partner, then it’s not a healthy relationship.