My partner chose a monogamous relationship over staying with me

I was with this really amazing girl - the love of my life, and she and I are both poly. But her main wasn't. Her main said that she wasn't comfortable anymore with the fact her girlfriend was dating other people. I thought that maybe I would be chosen. That she could love me more. And we could live our lifestyle together. But no. They're getting married next month. I still love her so much. I want so much to be a part of her life. I could even deal with her partner not liking me. I just need her.

It's okay to grieve the end of this relationship, but there's nothing else to be done - I am sorry to be the one to tell you that. Sometimes this happens, not only to polyamorous people, but to monogamous people as well. A partner who you love chooses their work, or the freedom of singlehood, or another partner, or something else, over their relationship with you.

And it hurts. It really does. But you will survive. It feels like you 'need' her, but you don't 'need' her like you need air in your lungs or food in your belly, even if the loss of her does feel like drowning or starving. You will get through this. It's okay to mourn, to be angry, to feel hurt. Breakups suck. Loss is painful. 

Do whatever you need to do to feel okay: Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in grief at the end of relationships. Eat a bunch of ice cream. Join an online dating site. Go for a long bike ride. Have some drinks with your friends. Block your ex on all social media so you don't see any wedding nonsense. Pet a dog. Go camping. Write a letter to your ex and then burn it. You'll get through this, I promise.

My partner is going to marry his long-term girlfriend, and it bums me out

I just started my first poly relationship with this guy. When we first started talking he told me straight up that he was poly and that he planned on proposing to his girlfriend of two years. It didn't bother me because I was just looking for fun and not anything serious. It's been two months, and I'm not saying I'm in love with him, but I'm kinda sad that I wont get to marry him. He's literally the perfect person and I'm sad I didn't get to him first. What do I do?

Polyamory holds that "love is not a zero-sum game," meaning that if someone gets something, it does not mean that other people can't have that. Like, if I eat a cookie, then you don't get the cookie (zero-sum). But if I am listening to a song, you can also stand near me and hear the same song, and neither of us has a diminished experience of the song.

That's how polyamory works. Including polyamorous marriage and polyamorous weddings. So the framing of "who got to him first" doesn't make sense - he's a song, not a cookie. Who knows whether in two years, you two will feel ready to commit, to live together, to share lives, to blend families, and to hold a big lavish party celebrating that? 

Talk to your partner to get a feel for what engagement and marriage means for him and his other relationships - you're having fears and feelings based on your internal understanding of what relationships look like and what marriage means. You gotta get the real lay of the land rather than relying on your assumptions - that's why polyamory is all about open communication!

My partner violated my boundaries in a newly-open relationship

My partner and I have recently opened our relationship. Because I am currently prioritizing my mental health, I have asked only one thing: please do not let me see your relationships. Don't Ask Don't Tell is not my ideal scenario, but for the moment it is what I need. My partner agreed, but he continually pushes and even breaks that boundary. In one case, he said his new partner wanted to be publicly acknowledged, so he chose her comfort over mine. I feel violated and disregarded. My heart hurts.

You have the right to set the boundaries that you need, but other people aren't required to do everything you ask if they are unable to. In that case, it's their responsibility to say "I'm sorry, I can't meet that need/stay within that boundary" - it's pretty crappy to make a promise and then keep breaking it.

The issue here is that you asked your partner to abide by specific rules for opening the relationship, and he is not abiding by those rules. You can't force him to change his behavior - you can just decide how to respond.

You can say "I'm actually not comfortable having an open relationship now that we've tried it and learned that your way of practicing non-monogamy isn't compatible with my needs. We tried it, it's not working for me, and I am rescinding consent to open the relationship." If he 'refuses,' then the relationship is over - if you want to be monogamous, and he doesn't, then that's a serious impasse.

You can also decide that you're already done, if him pushing at your boundaries this way is a dealbreaker for you. (It would be for some people; it wouldn't be for other people.) You can say "You've demonstrated that you're willing to ignore, disrespect, or fudge boundaries with me, and that makes me feel uncomfortable dating you now that I know that." 

Or, you could try and dig down to the root of your need for DADT right now, and try to work something out with your partner that recognizes his need for relationships in the open while also helps you manage your mental health. Consider finding a poly-friendly therapist to talk to about this, and set some treatment goals. Sit down with your partner and talk about what needs, fears, and desires you're trying to address with your DADT request, and what needs, fears, and desires make this so hard for him. There might be a way to learn and heal and move through this to an arrangement that's healthy for everyone. But you're not obligated to do that work; it's always your right to leave a relationship that's just not working for you.

Polygamy vs. Polyamory

Is there a difference between being polygamous and polyamorous?

Yes. "Polygamy" is a word used to describe specific societies where plural marriage is part of the social, religious, economic, or political practice. It is most commonly used in sociological or anthropological terms.

"Polyamory" is a contemporary word for freely chosen, consensual non-monogamy, with no cultural coercion. It is considered inaccurate and even offensive to refer to "polyamory" as "polygamy," since the associations with "polygamy" are often restrictive, cult-like environments where wives are treated as property.

There are some polygamous societies that are not restrictive and cult-like; and technically the words mean basically the same thing - but "polygamy" is not a word that most polyamorous people use because it has other connotations.

A handful of FAQ-answerable questions

Hi so forgive me if I'm wrong but I don't understand how poly is part of LGBT and not just a choice someone makes.

I've discussed this issue a few times, and they're all linked on the FAQ page here. Obviously polyamory doesn't fall under LGBT, because it is neither L, nor G, nor B, nor T; but whether it falls under the "queer" umbrella is a point of debate. I have my personal beliefs about this, which you can read about in the link.

If we have a really long message, where do we send it to?

You can email me at polyamoryadvice [at] gmail [dot] com or check my contact page here. Know, however, that "really long" messages are much less likely to get published and answered, and I do often edit long messages to be shorter. Try to be as concise as possible! Lots of people include details that are important to them, but not actually relevant to the core issue.

I'm not sure if I'm poly or not (I think I might be?) but I was wondering if you knew of any websites that offered a great community for newbies? Specifically newbies in their early 20s? Thank you!

Check out the "forums & communities" section here!

Your advice about therapy is great, how do I find a therapist and/or online (therapy?) chat that is poly friendly?

Here are a handful of indexes (these will also be added to the Mental Health Resources page):

• Loving More directory
• The Open List
• Poly Friendly Professionals

You can also search non-polyamory-oriented indexes for therapists that work with issues of sexuality and gender, because they tend to be better informed about polyamory.

Someone used language to describe my polyamorous relationship that I find dehumanizing

My boyfriend is new to polyamory and was explaining things to his sister and she asked if he and my girlfriend were "sharing me." That feel like really gross and dehumanizing phrasing to me; am I overreacting by being unhappy with that phrasing?

It's okay to have feelings about things; and the way other people describe you is something that most people have strong feelings about! You can be unhappy with whatever you want - the word is overreaction, not overfeeling, for a reason. It would be an overreaction if you forbade your boyfriend from ever speaking to his sister again or ordering 100 t-shirts that say NEVER USE THESE WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY RELATIONSHIP, PLEASE and only wearing those.

In this case, it's a third party to your relationship - your boyfriend's sister - who used a phrasing you find icky, in a conversation with someone else. Probably best to leave that alone for now - if someone else uses that language when asking you about your relationship, it's totally fine to say "actually, we don't like to describe it like that," and then give your explanation of what polyamory is and is not, for you.

It's totally okay to bring up with your boyfriend that you don't like language that frames you as an object or possession to be shared - not as a thing you're angry about or an issue you have with his sister, just as a heads-up that you're not comfortable with it. Just like I might say "hey, thanks for going grocery shopping, but in the future, I like creamy peanut butter, not chunky."

Is it critical to keep your partners updated on new and potential new partners?

if your partner knows you're poly and is 100% ok with you dating other people, do you have to tell them whenever you get another partner (alternatively, do you have to ask BEFORE you get another partner)?

That's totally up to you and your partner to set those terms based on what works for your relationship. In my personal experience, it's wise to keep your partner apprised of what's going on in your dating life - that way nothing feels like a secret (which can feel like cheating) and they aren't caught off guard.

That's not to say that you need to fill out a Notice Of New Partner Form in triplicate and submit it through a Polyamory-Certified Courier every time you date someone new - just that it's probably best, in most cases, to be open with your partners about your dating life! It's up to you and your partners to decide exactly how to do that - do you think it's important to bring it up every time someone goes on a date, or only if you're thinking that things are getting serious with someone? 

I like to share what's going on in my life with my partners! So I let them know "I have a date next week with a guy I'm really into," and then a few weeks go by and the conversation is "I'm really starting to like Kevrick, I think things are going pretty well!" And then by the time I'm referring to Kevrick as "my boyfriend," my other partners aren't like "you have a new what now?"

In my case, however, it's always a case of informing, not asking. I don't say "I really want to start dating Kevrick, what do you think about that?" I don't need my partners' permission to date new people. That's what works for us!

I find it hard to imagine a partnership - in which you share lives and talk about what's going on with you - where you can end up with a new partner and your current partner(s) don't know about it as it happens. In most cases, not informing your partner about your dating life takes extra effort and sometimes even lies of omission. 

How do you come up with example names?

How do you come up with example names? That's amazing.

I find it boring, grating, and hard to follow to just use letters; and when I used fake names that weren't obviously fake, like Jessica or Kevin, people were concerned that I wasn't honoring letter-writers' privacy; and when I use collections of obviously-fake names from pop culture, like Harry/Ron/Hermione or Pearl/Amethyst/Garnet, people send me a bunch of messages about it, which is nice but I get so many messages already that it's also not something I need. Plus I love making up names - if you ever need a name for an OC or a pet or anything, please hit me up! So I stole Mallory Ortberg/Dear Prudence's schtick of making up silly names by combining generic Western/English sounding name phonemes. 

I'm dating a man and want to also date his daughter - is this okay?

(I am going to put a content warning at the top of this post because there will be discussion of incest and sexual abuse; this is NOT a judgment of the letter writer or the situation, but it does come up in my answer, so if you are sensitive to that, take care of yourself.)

Bi poly young woman, have been seeing a much older man for a long time. He has an (adult) daughter around my age who I find extremely attractive and he and I started joking around but he ended up admitting he wouldn't mind at all if I started seeing her too (obvs separately, without him involved - no incest here!!) I'm freaking out because I like the idea too - is this OK? Am I OK? Would I be some kind of twisted horrible pervert for dating both a man AND his daughter?

To answer your actual question - no, you're not a twisted horrible pervert if you do that; try to let go of the self-recrimination and guilt. If no one is getting hurt, then you're not doing anything wrong. And you can decide that this isn't something you want to do without deciding that doing it, suggesting it, or wanting it is morally wrong. 

I would caution you to take a step back and make sure this situation is 100% healthy for everyone involved. A father who jokes about his daughter's sex life and encourages someone else to sleep with her might just be a guy who is your partner trying not to put limitations on who you can see; or he might be someone with a problematic investment in, well, his daughter's sex life. I wasn't there when it came up in conversation and I genuinely don't know whether the 'joking around' came from an organic, honest place or whether he is bringing it up as part of an unhealthy fantasy or perspective of his. Is he encouraging this because he seems to be excited about it, or just supporting you in your attraction? Only you can make that call! But you need to make it with clarity.

Remember that parent/child power dynamics can be really complex, and can complicate issues of consent. Be really sure that everyone involved is okay with this arrangement and that it's healthy for everyone. Even then, you might make a mistake - you are not psychic, and you may misinterpret someone's true feelings or intentions, especially if they themselves are unclear. This is NOT to say that you are morally responsible for protecting the daughter from getting into a situation that isn't right for her, just saying that this is tricky territory and you should be aware of your own limitations when it comes to recognizing coercion or ambivalence.

If you go through with this, you'll need to talk really clearly about maintaining healthy boundaries. For example, it's critical in healthy polyamory for there to be some openness about sexual health; you need to be able to talk to your partner about what's going on with your body, which includes some details about your other sexual encounters. But do all three parties feel that it's appropriate for a father to have that insight into his daughter's sex life? If not, how will you manage this? What extra precautions need to be taken to keep everyone psychologically and physically safe?

Talk also about how your "polycule" will function. Will all three of you spend time together? If not, how will you manage things like family get-togethers when the father might want his partner and his daughter there? If so, how does the daughter feel about being in a semi-sexual/romantic role ("girlfriend" and "metamour") while simultaneously being in the daughter role? Would all three of you cuddle up on the couch with you in the middle? Is she okay seeing her father as her metamour? How does she feel about physical affection in the presence of her dad? Between you and the dad? Between you and her? How does the dad feel about being physical/sexual/romantic with you in front of the daughter? Is everyone okay with those boundaries, or does someone feel stifled or controlled?

Are you three prepared to manage the questions and judgments from others? Will you be keeping the arrangement on the down-low? How will things be presented at family functions? Do you have a united front and a prepared explanation? What if a family member has a problem with it and threatens to withhold their children from visiting the dad, or refuses to extend wedding invitations? Will one person ask the others to cave for the sake of the family (just tell everyone she's your roommate, upsetting Grandma isn't worth it, it's just one wedding weekend), or will you three stand up together and demand acceptance? Are you all on the same page about that?

This is a complicated situation, and it's okay if you decide it isn't worth it. But it's also okay if you work it out and decide that it's doable and worth doing. But it will take extra effort, precautions, preparation and self-knowledge to make sure it's safe and healthy for everyone.

I came out as polyamorous and now I'm being bullied by my peers

I came out about being in a polyamorous relationship to a friend. Unfortunately he thought I told people about it, and because of asking a friend about her idea on it, she told everyone. Now I deal with people calling me a slut and coming up to my partners and telling them that I'm cheating or they should date someone who isn't a huge whore. I'm going into my senior year on Monday and I'm not ready to go back to the harassment and bullying. What can I do about this?

First off, I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. People can be cruel and ignorant to anyone who is different, especially when it comes to issues of gender, sexuality, or relationships. Young people especially can be really rigid when it comes to perceived notions of sexual morality and gender roles.

The best thing to do right now is to surround yourself with love and support. Check in with your partners - you're all going through this together, and be prepared to stand strong for each other. You can even come up with a script beforehand, so if someone tells your partner not to date you, they can have a prepared comeback: "Thanks for your input on my relationship, it has been noted" or "I don't really care what you think, I chose to date Gismeldo and I don't need your approval." Or just "that's so rude" or "that's not okay." Something that shuts down the conversation.

Try to let go of needing to change these people's minds - arguing with them is only going to make you feel miserable and targeted. It is okay that someone is out there thinking nasty things about you; they can have opinions that are wrong and walk around being wrong and that's their problem. I know it can be miserable and infuriating to be told "just ignore them" - I was bullied terribly as a child and a teen, and you deserve to be protected and supported. But fighting back on issues like this just becomes an ideological argument where you feel a lot more vulnerable and they get more opportunities to attack.

Stick with people you trust at school, and prioritize your own safety. If that means physically avoiding certain people, do that. If there is a teacher or other adult you trust, talk to them, but be prepared for them to be confused or dismissive; non-monogamy is not as widely understood as a potentially marginalized relationship orientation/identity and they might not be the allies you need. Try framing it as "I shared personal information with Zodielle, and now I'm being harassed by Lagron and Jezander." Share specifics about what they are doing and saying, and ask that teacher or other adult for anything you think would help you avoid it (like "Can I eat my lunch in a classroom with some friends" or "Can I avoid group work with these people").

If the harassment escalates from cruel words to anything else, keep documentation and report it. If anyone touches your body or your things, makes threats of violence, attacks your online spaces, etc. keep records and do what you need to keep yourself safe. But as long as it's just people saying you're a slut or a whore, try to take a deep breath, walk away, and remember that there is a huge polyamorous community who loves you, supports you, and has your back, and that those people are just flat incorrect.

Imagine that instead they're walking around saying "chocolate ice cream is literal poison and if you eat it you'll be vulnerable to psychic attacks from lizard people!" They're just misinformed, confused, and blatantly wrong; maybe annoying and potentially dangerous if they try to attack ice cream salespeople, but for now, they're just running around being obnoxiously stupid. Nothing they are saying is true - you are valuable, worthy, and perfectly deserving of loving relationships.

How do I know whether I'm polyamorous before trying it?

How does one go about knowing whether they're poly or not when they've only been in two monogamous relationships?

Part of the answer is: you can't "know" for sure; you just gotta try it out and see if it works for you! I'm guessing you didn't agonize about knowing whether you were monogamous or not before getting into monogamous relationships - the point of dating is to try things out and find out what works for you! 

The other part is: the same way you find out anything about yourself - introspection, daydreaming, reading, testing, experimenting, exploring. Check out my FAQ about this here.

I started dating a man, but his wife has made things really complicated - is there a way to stay with him but avoid the drama?

For about two or so months, I was in a "V" polyamorous relationship with a much older married man. His wife is much younger than me. He and I both had one-on-one conversations with her and we even had a group conversation about the dynamics right up front when he and I discovered we had feelings for each other. She said up front, on several occasions, she was okay with it. It gave her a chance to have her space as--her words--he was "incredibly needy". As the weeks went on and we continued to see each other, she started becoming very jealous, accusatory, saying mean and snide things to him about me or to him about himself. He would constantly check in with her when she'd make these awful comments and make sure she was still okay with things. It all came to a head about a week and a half ago. And he attempted to break it off with me. I accepted it, but he didn't want to let go. Resorting to social media to put me on public blast for moving on. I forgave him. Now, we've resumed some semblance of a relationship, but without his wife's knowledge. I know I am complicit in this, and thus, a guilty party, but I'm wondering if there's someway else better to handle this? We love and care about each other. And we want to be together. I've never once asked him to leave his wife or gave him ultimatums. It's been her doing. I find her very controlling, emotionally abusive, she gaslighted me and him. I want to be with him, but I also don't like the secrets and the affair-esque, don't ask don't tell dynamic.

Facts: You only dated this guy for about two months. This guy is the kind of person to try and break up with you, then use social media to publicly shame you for moving on. Dating him comes with all the baggage and drama of his wife. You don't like the dynamic the relationship currently has.

WALK AWAY. This is not a healthy relationship. I promise you can find someone who is just as funny or sexy or interesting or thrilling who is also more mature and doesn't make unreasonable demands and put you in unpleasant situations. The better way to handle this is to stop putting up with his nonsense.

There is nothing you can do to change his behavior or make his choices for him, you can just decide whether you want to be part of this disaster of a situation. If you decide to stay, you'll need to accept that staying will include dealing with his wife's tantrums, his propensity for social media drama, and the fact that this is now a cheating situation instead of consensual non-monogamy. 

I'm polyamorous, my boyfriend is not, and this tension is making me miserable

I think I need to break up with my boyfriend. I love him so dearly but the only options are break up and be poly or stay together and hurt my own feelings when I crush on others. There is no way he wants to do polyamory, and every option makes me feel terrible. It doesn't help that I relapsed on self harm and drugs....I know it's bad but I just am so distressed and don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm desperate. How do I compromise, and is it even possible?

If a relationship is making you feel desperate and distressed to the point that you relapse into self-destructive behavior, it's not healthy for you to be in anymore. Sometimes "love" isn't enough - sometimes two people are mostly great together, but one major issue makes them not compatible in a relationship. It's heartbreaking and frustrating to have to break up when there are still things you love about being together, but it sounds like it's necessary in this situation. 

Please reach out for help with the drug use and the self harm - you don't deserve to be this miserable, and you do deserve support through this difficult time. Not having the freedom to live into who you are as a polyamorous person is really unhealthy for you, so you need to start taking the steps toward a healthier relationship arrangement, even if that means no longer being with this current partner. 

I get into bad moods when my partner has fun with his other partner and I'm stuck at work

I'm grumpy because my lover is seeing his other girlfriend and I'm working and I'm mostly okay and he needs to see her too and it does me good too I take the time to reflect but I'm grumpy and I hate it. Also scared he'll decide my grumpy isn't worth it.

Being in a bad mood sucks, and you're right to recognize that it often sucks for the people around you as well. But there are things you can do about it! Learning to manage your moods is a powerful skill and there are many ways to tackle it.

It can help to just reframe things: it's okay to be moody about having to work when other people are having fun, but that doesn't really have anything to do with polyamory or what your lover is doing. Even if he wasn't seeing his other partner, you'd still have to work. So try to separate those frustrations. And if your work consistently makes you miserable, consider finding another job, if possible.

If you're worried that your grumpiness is going to make your lover decide that the relationship isn't worth it, try finding other outlets for your moods so you can bring him more positivity. Anything from online support forums and chats to meeting up with a friend to professional therapy can help with that.

Finally, remember that grumpiness can sometimes be banished using positivity strategies. You may have heard that you should "vent" your negative feelings, but in fact, letting yourself mull and stew and ruminate will only make things worse. Try and refocus and distract yourself. Put on peppy, upbeat music and bop around. Read or do something that makes you happy. Have lunch with a coworker and don't talk about the stuff that's bugging you.

Is it still polyamory if it isn't a V-shaped arrangement?

No idea if this is a question fitting to this blog but I've been trying to inform myself about polyamory to be more open and in all the examples I found online or in books it's always just one person being in love with two or more people, and everyone is fine with it. My question is, what if all three or more people are in love with each other, like everyone is in love with everyone in the relationship, would that still be polyamory? I just don't want to offend anyone by using the wrong term.

Yes, that is definitely still considered polyamory! That is often referred to as a "triad" if there are 3 people involved, or "polyfidelity" if all 3+ people are only involved with each other. Keep reading and researching - you'll find plenty of examples of what you're describing.

How do I join the polyamorous community in my area?

I am attempting to join a couple in The Life or meet a woman in it so I can build with. How do I accomplish this in Indianapolis, In?

You can see my FAQ page on finding polyamorous people to date here.

But I'd caution you to re-examine your language and what it might indicate about your expectations. Polyamory isn't some porny sex cult that we initiate people into - it's just a way of having a relationship. If you have a fantasy about what polyamory would look like, or what type of polyamorous person you're looking for, consider doing some research that helps you think through how realistic that fantasy is.

Remember that all people are individuals, whole and dynamic, and no one exists to be your gatekeeper to polyamory. Go out there and be a human dating other humans; treating it like anything else will be an exercise in futility and risks ending up with you being frustrated and other people feeling misunderstood or objectified.  

How do I self-describe if I could see myself in a polyamorous or a monogamous relationship?

i haven't been in a relationship yet, and i'm open to the idea of having 2 or 3 girlfriends, but i wouldn't mind having just one. would the correct term for people like me be "open to polyamory", or just plain polyamorous?

Whatever term helps you self-identify in a way that's healthy and gives you the tools and language to find the relationships that work for you. Some people use terms like "polyflexible" or "mono-poly" to describe themselves as someone able to have healthy, fulfilling relationships that are polyamorous or monogamous.

I came out as polyamorous, and then a guy was creepy at me

I dunno if I'm looking for advice or kind words or what but something uncomfortable happened. I confessed to being polyam over FB and then a guy I have never spoken to said 'sup' and when I didn't reply he asked hours later if he could send nudes. After I said no he said 'I saw you were poly so I thought you'd be down.' I am supportive of all types of poly and know some are cool wit that but I am serious stuff only so my status being translated as automatically DTF was a bit disheartening.

Yep, that happens sometimes. And it sucks. People - in my experience, mostly straight men - often assume that being polyamorous means you are somehow obligated to pay them sexual attention, because the "sorry, I have a partner" excuse no longer works. It's a garbage mindset, and it leads people to behave in aggressive, obnoxious, and inappropriate ways. I've had this happen to me multiple times, including one especially scary brush with a man who would not take "no" for an answer because "I've seen you get cuddly with other dudes you know!" Gross.

The best way to handle this is to block and delete that FB creeper, because he was obnoxious and has no rights to your time or emotional energy. He can be out there being a jerk who is wrong about you and wrong about polyamory. Your relationship orientation/style/preference is NOT permission for random dudes to be nasty at you, and he was out of line. Feel free to set your boundaries clearly and not back down. Block, delete, remove yourself from a situation, do whatever you have to do to stay happy and safe.

People will make assumptions about you, especially if you're a member of any minority group - "women are like..." or "all bisexual people do..." - and it's miserable. Being openly polyamoroys does mean that people will ask intrusive questions and be generally unnecessary. But you are not alone! Find a polyamorous forum or support group where you can be yourself, and honor the courage and pride it took to come out as polyamorous even though certain people chose to respond in an awful way.

Two weeks after I met someone, they told me they didn't have feelings for me - what's my next move?

I was seeing a woman for 2 weeks. Out of nowhere she stopped sending texts. I never heard back from her for a week until I called her out for ghosting after we had had numerous talks before on how awful it is to do that. She apologized and had admitted that she wanted to have feelings for me but can't. She offered to remain friends but understood if I didn't want to do it. She continued to carry a conversation with me after, and I kept it brief. Should I be at peace with this and leave it alone?

If the question is "should I be at peace," the answer is YES 99.99% of the time.

She doesn't want a sexual/romantic relationship with you, but seems to feel you two click on a personal level where a friendship would be nice. Is that something you want? Or would you rather just drop it altogether?

If you want a friendship, be friends. Have conversations with her about shared interests, invite her to group gatherings, that sort of thing. If it feels too awkward or high-effort or otherwise isn't something you want to invest energy in, go ahead and graciously let communication cease.

That said, she may not actually be keen on a friendship and have just said that to soothe hurt feelings. If she continues to be flaky and low-communication, best to leave it be. Two weeks isn't long at all, and it's very normal for something to fizzle out at that stage.

I have an opportunity to join a polyfidelitous triad, but I have some concerns

So I've been talking to a couple that has offered a very luxurious lifestyle, and they fit the bill in almost every way for what I've always wanted. They have been together for around 10 years, and initially they mentioned "triad & polyfidelitous" but it's also very clear as of talking (7 days) that one is a lot more interested then the other, or at least reaching out at all... of course on top this knowing that they have such a strong foundation already, I would sleep alone majority/all the time.

Only you can make the call here - do the pros outweigh the cons? Is this a situation that sounds fun enough to make up for any frustrations you'd have to put up with, or are there too many red flags for your liking? 

It's okay for you ask for more clarification of expectations. Lay out for this person the specifics of what you want, and ask if they are willing and able to provide what you want. Let them know what your dealbreakers are, and ask if they can assure you that none of those are part of the plan. Where there are discrepancies, talk about compromise and be proactive in problem-solving.

It's okay to hold fast to your requirements and boundaries. It's okay to be flexible and compromise on some things, too! But be sure that you're being clear-eyed and honest with yourself, not brushing aside concerns because you want it all to work out or assume your future self will just be able to repress certain desires or disappointments. Don't do that to future you!