My partner wrote that he wants to be polyamorous, but won't discuss it with me

I've been dating almost a year & we are expecting. we started our relationship as a mono one (with zero connections to polyamory in anyway), but some weeks ago I stumbled across something he wrote & apparently he has 'realized' that he is poly, but the post was completely negative about our current relationship. This took me completely by surprise & I've tried to talk to him about it, but every time I ask him anything he tells me I don't know. I'm hurt & confused & getting zero answers.

He could be feeling angry or defensive about the way you "stumbled across" what he wrote - was there a violation of privacy on your part? You may need to take ownership of that and apologize to him, and try and re-lay a foundation to have that conversation safely. "I'm sorry that I found out this way, and that I found out before you were ready to talk about this with me - but this is where we are now, and I can't pretend to un-know what I know."

Ask him to make time to sit down with you and talk things out, straight and clear. Ask him direct questions, like "would you like our relationship to change? In what ways?" or "what about this relationship is making you unhappy?" or "what do you need from me to feel safe talking about this?"

If he refuses to answer your questions, you're allowed to press a bit more: "Look, we are about to have a child together, so we really need to get this figured out. I need you to be clear, open, and honest with me. I can't promise that I won't be upset or hurt if you share difficult things, but I can promise to receive what you have to say and give you a safe space to share how you feel. You need you give us the chance to figure this out together."

If he simply refuses to engage with you on this, then you have a choice to make: do you want to stay with someone who cannot or will not discuss his feelings and needs with you? 

Examining our language to identify potentially unhealthy or unnecessary assumptions

Hey there! I just wanted to say I really liked your answer about how we use language and our assumptions about the world. I think it's super great! I was wondering if you could consider a broader post on the subject, for example the way a lot of people frame polyamory, open relationships, etc? I notice a lot of talk about "allowing" for example. 

The letter-writer is referring to this post and this follow-up.

I sat on this letter for a bit so I could do some brainstorming about some of the language I see in the letters to this column and elsewhere in the polyamorous community. Here are a handful of categories and examples; this is by no means exhaustive! So perhaps consider this a part one of many in a series on language and assumptions in polyamory.

Adding/Bringing In

This is perhaps the one I most frequently find myself pushing back against. I see this most often with people in established, previously-monogamous couples. People will say they have decided they want to "add a new partner to their relationship," or "bring someone in." 

I find this language weirdly objectifying and dehumanizing. You go looking for a new lamp to bring into your living room to brighten it up. You find a new spice to add to a dish you're cooking. In these cases, you have an existing situation that needs something, and you just go find something that meets your needs and toss it in.

People don't work like that, and neither do relationships. Imagine that you start a new job, and a new coworker goes up to you, acts really friendly and excited about you, then tells you that they've really been looking for a new friend to add to their social group! That's...weird. Or imagine if you're a straight monogamous woman and a man tells you he wants to bring a girlfriend into his life. Again...weird.

People are complete, complex, dynamic beings with needs, desires, and lives. Relationships should be a give-and-take, not a "I picked you up, examined you to see if you're what I wanted, then stuck you where you fit into my living room - I mean life." 

Allowing/Opening To New People

When you audition for a role in a play, there's a power imbalance - you want the role, and the people judging your audition are there to decide whether they want you for the role. That's not how relationships work, though. Unless you've got the looks of Natalie Dormer and the emotional generosity of Mister Rogers, don't act, or think, like what you're offering relationship-wise is something people are lining up to apply for, and you can just take your pick of the qualified auditioners. (If you do look like Natalie Dormer and have leveled up to max on emotional maturity, please call me.)

There's a difference between "deciding we are open to dating other people" and "opening our relationship to allow other people in." You have to be giving as much as you're asking for; dating you is not a privilege that the polyamorous people of the world have been waiting for you to make available.

If you find yourself using language that speaks to a sense that you've done all the work you need to by putting yourself/yourselves on the market, and you just need to sit back and assess those who come to you, that needs a reframing. 

Cope With/Come To Terms With 

I hear from a lot of people asking for help "coping with" or "coming to terms with" their partner's polyamory or monogamy or something else in their relationship. Here's the thing, though - things you "cope with" are painful circumstances outside of your control. Learning a loved one has a terminal illness or losing your dream job due to a budget shortage is something you "cope with." 

If you're at the point of experiencing your partner's behavior or choices as something you need to figure out how to tolerate the pain of, the issue is probably not "learn how to be okay with something that makes you miserable." It may be "how to ask for a change to the relationship to help you get what you need to be okay" or how to leave the relationship with grace and safety.

Emotions/Preferences As Inherent Personal Qualities

"My partner is possessive, so..."
"I can't do XYZ because my girlfriend is a jealous person."
"Open conversation is not an option because I am shy and non-confrontational."

Some things, we just can't help: The core of our temperaments and personalities. The presence of a mental illness. Our pasts. But be careful of language that lets you, or your partner, abdicate all responsibility. Do not trap yourself in the framing of "well I'm just like this, I can't help it."

So maybe you feel more jealous than the average person. That doesn't mean you get to just throw your hands up and say, well, I'm a jealous person, take me or leave me. It just means you have your work cut out for you to manage those feelings, behave in a healthy way, and have the conversations you and your partner need to make things work for both of you.

Armchair Psychiatry

Be really, really careful with psychological or semi-psychological terms like "narcissistic," "toxic," "co-dependent," "addict," "borderline," "trauma," etc. It's rarely helpful to a situation for someone to make sweeping generalizations (she is toxic) or amateur diagnoses (I'm pretty sure he has a personality disorder). 

Instead, focus on specific behaviors: what has this person done or said that hurt or concerned you? This is easier to address and prevents the mess of issues that comes with attempting to label or diagnose someone else's personality.

Also, remember that not all jerks are mentally ill. Not all unpleasant, cruel, manipulative, or even abusive behavior is diagnosable or symptomatic. Just being an awful person is not a DSM category. Someone can make bad choices without it needing to be traceable to a specific psychological disorder.

If you suspect that you or someone in your life is struggling with mental illness, trauma, or addiction, the next thing to do is get the professionals involved. A diagnosis is not the end goal - it is the beginning; it is a tool to help people find treatment that works and communicate about their needs. Simply having a word for something, or thinking you have a good descriptor, is not useful on its own.

Mind-Reading Language

Spot the difference between: "He doesn't care about me" vs. "He doesn't answer my texts." 
Or: "I'm not enough for her" vs. "She wants to date other people."

Check your language to see whether you're framing things in a way that makes major assumptions about someone else's feelings or motives. Remember that you are not psychic, and even if you experience something a certain way, that doesn't mean that was your partner's intention. Not all "messages received" are "messages sent." 

My partner is living with another partner who won't allow me in the house

Due to an emergency, my primary partner has to live with their partner (my metamour) for a few months while they get back on their feet. My metamour and I haven't had the best relationship because my introduction to and early experiences with her were traumatic, but I'm trying. Trust me when I say I want to be friends with my metamours. Now, my metamour has barred me access from her home and told our partner I'm not allowed to visit them in her house because she's not "comfortable" with me because I haven't tried hard enough to be friends with her. I think barring me from her home without opportunity for a conversation is unethical. Isn't it? Because the way I see it, regardless of how I feel about any of my metamours, I wouldn't forbid them from seeing our partner in a space that is my partner's and mine unless safety is a concern. I understand it's her home and it's her decision, but I think there's a right thing and a wrong thing to do. Not being able to see my partner, spend time with them, and just be home with them will weaken our relationship and my metamour knows that. I'm afraid this could cause my relationship with my partner to end; things have already been rocky for the past few months because of this specific metamour. Both my partner and I are talking to my metamour (separately) to have her understand that the circumstance she's putting us in is messed up. My partner is trying their hardest to get back on their feet so we won't have to endure this situation for long (but it could still take up to 6 months for them to be able to live away from this metamour again). What advice could you give me? What else can I do here? I'm losing my mind.

Okay, first things first - trauma is very serious. If someone in your life is traumatizing you, that is a crisis. Traumatizing someone - by definition, treating them in such a way that their psychological ability to cope with the pain or stress is overwhelmed - is abuse. If you are being, or have been, traumatized, you need to work with a therapist as soon as possible to start healing, learning to recognize your needs and set boundaries, and working on the patterns of thought and behavior that lead you to continue trying to be friends with people who traumatize you. (And if you feel that I am overreacting or the situation does not call for this response, then you need to not use the word ‘trauma’ - someone being rude, exclusive, unpleasant or nasty is not “traumatizing.”)

Second, you’re asking me to make a call as to whether this person’s behavior and demands are unethical and unreasonable, but it really doesn’t matter. Has this person said “oh, sure, I’ll amend my restrictions if you can get an internet advice blogger to agree with you?” Ultimately, you cannot change her mind or control her behavior. All you can do is decide what is best for you to do in this situation.

You could decide that dating someone who is dating or living with someone who traumatizes you and acts in a way you feel is unethical is not working for you, and leave the relationship. That is a choice you make for your own safety, not something anyone else is forcing you to do.

Or, you could decide that you want to try and make things work with your partner. Perhaps they are happy to spend lots of time where you live, and have sleepovers often. Perhaps they are willing to stand up to their partner/your metamour and say “I am going to have Salmertha over this Saturday to watch movies - you can make other plans to be out of the house if you want, but I’m not going to let you limit my ability to see my other partners.”

But if you ask your partner for that, and they tell you that they’ve chosen to give in 100% to the metamour’s demands, that’s their choice. You can’t control your partner, but you can control how you respond: “I’m sorry, I just can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t risk any friction in another relationship to try and find a compromise for me.” Let go of trying to change someone else’s mind or see them as a controlling force in your life.

My therapist likes to say, of other people’s behavior and choices, ‘it’s all information.’ Your metamour has given you a lot of information about what being in a polyamorous network with her is like. Your partner has given you a lot of information about what being in a relationship with them is like. Now you get to decide, based on that information, what you want to do. 

It’s like if you interview for a job and they tell you “we’ll pay you a bajillion dollars, but to work here you’d have to come to work in five-inch heels every day and you’re not allowed to talk to your coworkers.” They’re not opening a debate with you, they’re stating their terms. You’d run yourself ragged trying to change their policy, even if you think it’s totally bonkers. All you can do is decide whether the bajillion dollars is worth it, or, based on what you know about this workplace, it’s best for you to decline their offer.

My wife and I are talking about polyamory, but have different ideas of how we'd like to date

My wife and I have gone back and forth for awhile and have agreed to try being poly/open. However, I don't have the time to explore much more then casual hook ups. She seems interested in more serious emotional experiences and is offended that I just want sex from other people. She's also got a lot of body issues that she uses as reasons for her not making the first move. How can we help each other to find some middle ground here?

If you two keep going back and forth, make sure that this is really what you two want to do and that you’re ready for it. Consider reading a book about polyamory, like More Than Two or The Ethical Slut, together, and talking about it. Talk together about best-case and worst-case scenarios. Ask questions. Be open. The fact that this continues to be a contentious subject between you two is a bit of a red flag.

You two can have different styles of dating - there’s this weird obsession with rigid score-counting ‘equality’ when previously mono couples ‘open’ their relationship, and I’d encourage you to let go of that. You can have lots of flings, one-night-stands, casual sex, etc. She can have more emotional connections, long-term dating relationships, etc. That doesn’t really change or threaten anything between you two, unless you decide that it does. 

Talk to her about why that offends her. Is she feeling, perhaps, like your preference for “just sex” means that your motives for opening the relationship are that you’re no longer sexually attracted to her? That can feel vulnerable and threatening. Maybe she’s framed it as “if being polyamorous is about who he is as a person, about his capacity to love and desire to connect with more people, then that makes sense. If he just wants to sleep with other people who aren’t me, then that bothers me.” You two need to figure out how you’re both framing this and do some work on the assumptions and fears behind that framing.

Anxiety and insecurity around body image can be pretty serious, especially for women. She is not “using these as reasons,” they are her reasons. If she is feeling held back in her life by them, I strongly encourage therapy focused on radical self acceptance and healing from toxic ideas about our bodies. You can find some resources here. Recognize that and have compassion. She doesn’t need to “make the first move” or be more sexually outgoing for this to work; so don’t pressure her to do that. Again, if you two let go of this need for things to look identical on both sides, you don’t need to push her to date a certain way just to swing permission for yourself to do that.

Would the stress of unicorn hunting be alleviated by having both members of the couple date the person separately?

Hey I've been doing some research (I'm new and still questioning) and I had an idea that I think would be more sensible than trying to add a third person straight into a couple and would like your opinion (please). My idea would be to have one person of the couple date the potential third person for a while and then the third person could start dating the other member of the original couple too before the triad is formed. I thought this might help reduce the stress on all involved but idk.

This kind of arrangement doesn’t really work, because it puts all sorts of prescriptions, demands, and expectations on the “third person” to date the other partner if they like one partner.

Think about how hard it is to find someone you ‘click’ with - someone you enjoy dating and want to be in a relationship with. Now imagine that you’re dating someone, and they go “also, as part of a PACKAGE DEAL, when you date me, you also date this other person! Who you didn’t get to choose, they’re just also here!”

It puts a lot of pressure on the “third” to like this other person. Even if you say you want to “take things slow” or “let things be organic,” there’s a major expectation there that “once you’re ready, you’ll start dating this person too!” What if they’re never ready? Most people I meet are not people I end up wanting to date. Simply being a partner of one of my partners doesn’t automatically make someone a perfectly eligible candidate for me. 

Almost no one likes being told who to date; there’s a reason arranged marriage is no longer in vogue for the most part. So this isn’t a very realistic plan, I’m afraid, since it requires someone essentially assigning a partner to someone else.

Ultimately, relationships are healthiest when they form organically, not out plans, arrangements, timelines, or prescriptions. If three people want to all date each other, let that happen. If it’s ultimately healthier and more sensible for a V-shape to form, well, it might be better to make that work than to try and force human relationships into an arrangement they’re not well suited for.

Check out this post, where I addressed a similar situation. Person A asking Person B and Person C to date is almost never sustainable or sensible.

I'm worried my girlfriend will end up marrying her other partner

I've been in a LD polyamorous relationship for almost two years. My girlfriend has a boyfriend (who I'm friends with) who she’s been with for much longer. I have problems dealing with insecurity, overthinking and jealousy of their daily life together. Despite her not wanting formalized relationships nor children, I have a brooding feeling that her boyfriend will eventually propose to her and they will end up married. For me it's a declaration of a personal choice of the better partner, also unlocking many societal privileges. I simply don't want to date anyone's wife. I'm feeling very uncomfortable with those thoughts and I'm afraid of talking about this subject. I think that informing my girlfriend of my inability to continue our relationship if she gets married is wrong, because I will be forcing her to make a choice between her partners: either end our relationship or reject her partner's eventual engagement.

You’re afraid of something that hasn’t happened yet. Try not to let your fear of the projected future color your present; it’s not worth much to you to get upset over the consequences of something that has not happened yet.

You say that you’re afraid to talk to your partner about this subject, but that’s what you need to do. It’s up to you to make a call for yourself that you don’t want to date anyone who is married, because of what marriage symbolizes to you. You can tell her, “I’d like to know where your thoughts are about marriage or eventually getting engaged to Pilanzer. Have you two talked about that? Do you see yourself marrying him someday?” If she seems to feel that the two of them are on the road to marriage, you can make the choice that you don’t want to date someone who’s moving toward marrying someone else.

You’re not forcing her to choose; you’re making a choice about your own behavior. You can decide not to date someone if their other relationship has a dynamic that makes you uncomfortable. Don’t frame it as “promise me you won’t marry him, or else I’ll leave you.” It’s “I have realized it’s not healthy or comfortable for me to be in a relationship with someone where marriage is part of the equation or future plans.”

It’s entirely possible that she could tell you “oh, no, Pilanzer and I totally don’t intend to get married,” and then in a few years that could change, and she could decide she wants to get engaged. Or, she could tell you “yes, he and I are thinking that if things continue as they are, we will eventually be married,” you’ll end the relationship, and then she doesn’t end up marrying him. No one can control or predict the future. Your job is to do your best with what you have and what you know now, in the present, not to try and prevent some hypothetical future thing from happening.

It may also be worth thinking about, reading about, and talking with her about your perception of what marriage means. You may have some assumptions or projections attached to the concept of marriage that are worth dismantling or examining. Is your perception of how marriage will change things accurate? If your partner were to get engaged, would she experience it as “declaring her personal choice of a better partner,” or are you reading a message there that isn’t being sent? Does she expect that whatever life-partnership and societal-benefits marriage confers will also, eventually, be shared with you, once your separate relationship with her gets to a point where you two want to be so committed?

In the end, though, only you get to decide what kind of relationship is healthy for you. But you need to have enough information to make an informed choice. This requires having an open conversation with your partner, asking her for help understanding her intentions and expectations for the future and how she frames and understands her multiple relationships. Once you’ve had that conversation, you have to make your decision. It’s not forcing her to choose; and it’s not definitively protecting yourself against any future you won’t like. It’s you taking whatever path seems right for you based on what you know right now.

How do I stay relaxed through the early stages of new polyamory?

Hi there! My partner and I are in our first truly poly relationships, but emphasis on "first". Firsts are scary. I know I want to do this, I'm just worried about jealousy feels. We have great communication and I feel good about things, I'm just new to this. What can I do to be more relaxed when I know my partner is hanging out with someone they're interested in?

One “thought exercise” I often recommend to people is to imagine yourself in your partner’s situation. You’re out on a date, with a new person. They’re cool and funny and cute! Are you thinking “boy howdy, this person is so great, it’s making me completely question my affection for my current partner! I’m totally dreading going home to this person I used to like but now, after this date, definitely don’t like anymore!”

Probably not. (And if you anticipate this thought pattern in your partner because you see it in yourself, consider that you may not be ready for healthy polyamory right now!) If you have the capacity to like and date other people without your desires for your current partner being threatened, it’s not a very big leap to assume that your partner can also do that!

Other things you can do to be more relaxed: find a distraction! Plan your own movie night with friends, or video-game marathon, or whatever else, when your partner is going out with people. Don’t be sitting at home letting your anxieties run wild about what they’re doing and feeling and thinking, out there, without you, and when are they coming home??? Do something fun and engaging that helps remind that little anxious part of your brain that you are a complete and independent person, capable of finding joy without your partner’s involvement.

One thing I don’t recommend is relying on rigid rules or structure to help yourself relax. If you say “I’ll feel secure if you text me every hour on the hour during your date AND you come home before midnight AND you never go past kissing on a first date,” then you’re setting yourself up to feel stressed out and agonizing over every hour-mark; and you will feel betrayed and unsafe if your partner misses a text or the date goes in a different direction than they expected. If you put out there for yourself that “if XYZ happens, I’ll be BETRAYED,” then you just established a condition under which you can feel let down and betrayed, and now it’s possible that it could happen, and it’ll be a huge mess. People don’t work well under conditions like that; nor do relationships. Don’t set that up for yourself.

I found out my partner has a "thing" with a former lover of his, and I'm not sure it's a healthy situation

I'm in a poly relationship with a guy, we talked about his other partners. Fast forward to months later and I'm talking to him about a former lover, encouraging him to talk to her despite my terror/insecurity of his feelings for her. But he's comfortable with his heartache about her. She's married to a monogamous man and happy. I asked questions about them and their history. During this he casually said they occasionally have a Thing via the internet. I wasn't happy about it but didn't berate him, only stated clearly that he should have told me that when we discussed metamours. But I'm bothered. I'm wondering now why he didn't tell me then. Her husband is why they broke up after trying poly. But now I'm wondering if he knows about them having their occasional Thing at all. If not, I'm not okay with that. But I don't know what to do. I'm still not sure what I want to do. If they're cheating I can't condone it. I don't want to leave him. I'm just feeling lost and heartaching.

The main issue here is that your partner is doing something that seems sketchy or not entirely above board here, because A.) he didn’t disclose to you the whole story about this former lover when you first talked about her, and B.) you’re not sure whether this is an open and consensual polyamorous arrangement for all parties involved.

This is something to bring up with your partner: “In order for me to feel like my polyamorous relationships are safe and healthy, it’s important for me to that the extended network that I’m involved in has a shared commitment to openness. This “thing” that you have with your former lover - can we talk about the terms of that? Does her husband know? It also bothers me that I didn’t get the whole story the first time we talked about her. Can we revisit our expectations and commitments around honesty and openness?”

It’s up to you how you react to his response. If he insists on continuing to have a relationship that you don’t want to be party to, even as a metamour, then you have to decide whether that’s a dealbreaker for you.

I'd like to try polyamory, but I'm worried about the impact on other partners if I decide to stick with monogamy

I really like the idea and concept of polyamory but I'm scared that if I try it and decide I'd rather go back to being exclusive with my original partner that it'll be too unfair. Is that normal or is that being selfish?

You’ve set up a false dichotomy in your question, there - that is both normal and selfish. It is really common for monogamous couples to try “opening up” their relationship, decide that didn’t work for them, and “close it back up.”

In theory, this is fine - it’s totally okay to try things and decide you don’t like them. That is, in fact, the point of trying things. You’re not obligated to do something forever just because you wanted to try it.

But in reality, this creates a lot of pain and heartbreak for the other people involved. Imagine if someone started dating you, and then, for a reason that you have zero control over, on the whims of someone else, just dropped you. It hurts! This pattern is often referred to as “couples privilege” in the polyamorous community. 

That’s not to say that it can’t or shouldn’t be done. Just that you should be careful, self-aware, and go into it with very clear, honest, open terms and expectations. Do as much self-work as possible in the beginning, unpack your own baggage, get your own house in order. Talk with your partner about best and worse case scenarios. Daydream together about what you’d like. Strategize together about meeting needs.

If you do decide to take this step, make sure anyone you date knows that your relationship with your partner takes priority and may ultimately be a threat. Be patient about the fact that you’ll have a hard time finding someone to date on those terms. Consider starting out with something casual, identified as a fling or no-strings-attached arrangement. Be as gentle and giving as possible with any other person you date or sleep with. Keep them informed about where you are emotionally, and give them space to express where they are.

Or, you could realize that you’re just not at a point yet where you trust yourself to be healthy in any potential polyamorous relationship. If you feel that your concern about protecting your existing relationship will overshadow your ability to be flexible and healthy in another relationship, it’s totally okay to decide that that takes priority, and you’re not ready to try polyamory right now.

I'm okay trying out polyamory, but I don't like the person my partner is dating

My partner and I have been dating for a year and we both realized we are polyamorous some time ago. Some months ago, they started dating this other person, an older girl she met online. I was OK with it but I insisted I meet this girl. We got close, in a way, and I wanted that, I needed to trust my partner's partner otherwise I'd feel wrong with the whole deal. As I got to know her I realized she's a toxic person, she's possessive, overly jealous and plain rude at times. I can't even talk to my partner on social media without her throwing a tantrum about "not being loved by (my partner)". In addition to that, she has misgendered me a couple of times (I'm a trans boy) and done things that make me highly uncomfortable (and I've told her those things make me uncomfortable but she keeps doing them anyways). How do I talk to my partner about this? I am afraid to do so because they might think I am just not okay with the poly. And honestly I'm not too sure I am but only if they have a girlfriend as possessive as the one they have right now. I feel constrained and I am afraid they might hurt my partner.

It’s okay to just come out and tell her basically what you told me: “I have some concerns about how your girlfriend is behaving - it’s negatively affecting me. I don’t want you to think I’m not okay with polyamory in general, but polyamory with this specific person isn’t working for me and I need to talk to you about it.”

I’d advise against coming out and saying that this person is toxic, possessive, etc. - that’s too subjective and opens you up to unwinnable arguments. Focus instead on specific behaviors and examples. “When she misgendered me, that was painful and not okay, and makes her an unsafe person for me to be around. When I asked her to stop doing [thing] and she kept doing it anyway, it made me feel like my boundaries were being violated and that I can’t trust her to take my feelings or needs seriously.”

Be clear in this conversation about what you want from your partner: do you want your partner to stand up to the girlfriend more and say “hey, you can’t talk to my partner like that, please stop”? Do you want to spend less time interacting with this metamour and need your partner to help facilitate this space? Have you realized that you don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship that includes this person, so you’re letting your partner know you’re going to have to leave the relationship as long as she’s involved? (Note that this framing is very different from “dump her or I’ll leave you” - you’re not making demands or threats, just identifying the right choice for you to make based on whether this situation is healthy for you to be part of.) 

How do I find people to talk or vent to who aren't involved in my polyamorous network?

I have recently added a new partner to my relationship and all three of us are very happy. But I feel alone even though i have them. Everyone needs a friend to talk to but I just don't. My parents are horrified of the idea of being Poly, and when I tried to talk about it, it ended up going terribly, so I can't talk to them like I usually do. and since both partners are in the friend group we don't want to make it weird by telling them about the relationship. I feel like I have no one to talk to.

First off, kudos to you for wisely recognizing that sometimes venting and advice and just talking-things-out needs to happen outside the bounds of a polycule. I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have that kind of social outlet right now. But it is find-able!

Try going to polyamorous meetups in your area! They aren’t all for finding new partners: some are book clubs, discussion circles, board game groups, etc. and the point is for people to find like-minded friends to get advice and support from! You can also try polyamorous forums and chat rooms online - everywhere from reddit to discord has chat, advice, support, and general socializing for polyamorous people.

I really dislike my girlfriend's partner - how do I feel compersion?

When I started seeing my gf she had just gotten out of a mono relationship and her ex was extremely mean to her after the breakup and I was there for her. Recently they have started a romantic relationship again and it is like all of that didn't even happen. My gf knows that I don't care for her now-gf because of that but I want her to be happy so I don't make a big deal of it. So my question is how can I feel any sense of compersion when all I have is negative feelings towards her?

It’s typically an exercise in futility to try and force yourself into a feeling you don’t have. You don’t need to try and conjure a sense of compersion or a feeling of goodwill about this person who you have every reason to dislike. 

It sounds like you’re doing everything right here - not “making a big deal of it,” letting your partner make her own choices, and just sitting back and staying disengaged from a situation you find irritating and frustrating. 

Try to re-frame this as not being about the metamour, but about your girlfriend. She is making a choice that she thinks is best for her, and all you can do is support her in that, recognize her agency, give her space to make her own choices. Sometimes people we love do things that we wish they wouldn’t. Sometimes they make choices that we think are bad choices. But that’s the beauty and the aggravation of having relationships with people. They insist on being their own people and doing their own thing even if it means refusing to quit a job that clearly makes the miserable or dating someone you don’t think is right for them.

And you seem to have that pretty well figured out - you’re leaving her to make her own choices and figure her own stuff out, without adding pressure or ultimatums or futile cajoling. Give yourself a break for not being able to feel thrilled and excited about this situation. If it starts to negatively impact you, set the boundaries you need to set; otherwise, no one can really fault you for only being able to achieve a sort of detached neutrality at best about this person’s re-entry into your girlfriend’s life.

Someone I was dating stopped speaking to me after one of her other partners decided he didn't like me

At the beginning of the year i met a wonderful poly woman online who is married and has other partners. we met in person (we are many states away) and i think we really hit it off and her family was totally welcoming and i felt super at home. As soon as i got back she confessed one of her boyfriends had some issue with me and told her to stop talking to me. so she did. I am hearing from our mutual internet friends that she seems very depressed and is kind of isolating herself. I think he is showing some abusive behavior, and have thought that for some time, but she's blocked me everywhere. What do you think I should do? is there anything I can do from this far away when none of our friends are willing to talk to her?

If she has blocked you everywhere, then that’s a pretty clear boundary that she has set. You can think that this boundary is unreasonable, or that she set it for reasons that are unhealthy, but right now, she has made the decision to stop speaking to you, and there’s not much that you can do about that. And if your mutual friends are unwilling to have this conversation, there’s not much you can or should do to try and push them into being an intermediary in a situation they don’t want to be a part of.

It is so, so painful to know that someone you care about is out there in a bad situation, or making bad choices, and there’s nothing you can do about it. It feels agonizingly frustrating and helpless. I know. But sometimes that’s the place we find ourselves in. It’s okay to feel angry or sad at how things worked out, through no fault of yours, to be painful for you.

She may be in an abusive situation; or she may simply be in a relationship that isn’t compatible with her seeing you - either way, she has decided to end contact with you, and your mutual friends have decided that this isn’t a safe, healthy, or worthwhile situation to try and step into. It sounds like the best thing you can do is try to let go. You don’t have the ability or obligation to ‘save’ her; nor do you have the right to change her mind even if you think the choice she’s made is unfair or unhealthy. 

My partner says mean and hurtful things to me to provoke fights

When I met my partner, he was poly and I was monogamous. When I started to explore more into polyamory myself, he expressed jealousy over the person I went out with and said he wanted to become monogamous with me. After ending it with his other partners, we were exclusive for several months before recently discussing opening things back up. I suggested that we reopen it because it was obvious he still loved at least one of his previous partners very much, but he always said he wanted to remain monogamous. He told me he wanted to get back together with his previous partners, which I was fine with, but then he went on a rant where he compared my influence on his life to my mom's influences on my dad's which was far from healthy and told me he loved his previous two partners more than me. When I told him those comments were unnecessary and hurtful, especially when he knows how I feel about my parents relationship, he said he didn't fully understand their relationship, but agreed that the comment on loving his previous partners more than me was not needed, though he thought at the time I needed to hear that because he expected me to fight back and then admitted that he had considered just cutting me out of his life completely at the time. Now every time he says he loves me it feels like a pit in my stomach and it makes me want to cry. I'm at a loss of where to go from here because I love him very much and I wonder if part of this is just New Relationship Energy taking over for him right now with the reintroduction of two former partners plus the added excitement of two new ones, or if he genuinely doesn't care for me that much.

This letter was originally about twice as long, and I edited it down for length, but what got cut was just a few more examples of your partner being cruel.

LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP. This is a person who attempts to pick fights with you just to trigger some conflict, who intentionally brings up and uses against you things that are sensitive points in your life, who threatens you with being cut out of his life, who explicitly says that he loves his other partners more than you.

NONE OF THIS IS OKAY and it borders on abusive. This is NOT excusable as “just New Relationship Energy.” NRE makes you do things like text your new partner all the time or have less time for your long-term partners for a brief period. NRE does not make someone use lies, accusations, insults, and threats to make your existing partner “want to cry.” This person is being cruel and unfair to you. “Love” is not enough here. LEAVE. THIS. RELATIONSHIP.

My partner's partners say they're okay with our relationship, but I still worry that they're not

So first off I’m really new to the poly world i feel as though it is something that’s right for me but I don’t really know that much about it. I’m in a relationship with a married woman who’s a mom of two kids, to the kids I’m their aunt, and I love that part. But what I do need advice on is how to act around her husband and boyfriend (we’re all friends we hang out at her place as a group pretty often but I’m not into men so I’m not ok with like making it a group thing and they all get that) but I’m always kinda nervous when she kisses me around them or anything like that. I know they don’t mind, every time they see us cuddling they just say we are super cute and make awing noises so i don’t understand the nerves...any advice?

First off, congrats for finding a healthy, sweet, fun polyamorous relationship! The issue here comes down to one of trust. Even though your partner’s husband and boyfriend say that they’re totally fine with your relationship, and even seeing physical affection between you and your partner, it sounds like you don’t entirely trust that they’re being honest here.

And that’s perfectly understandable - lots of us have been in situations where someone says they are “fine” with something, but they really aren’t, and we’re expected to psychically figure that out and address it, and are often emotionally or socially punished for not doing so. If this is a dynamic that has been present in your family, or in previous relationships or friendships, you may be feeling like this is all a trap and eventually the false okay-ness will give way to anger, alienation, and accusations.

But, it’s not! It won’t! It sounds like these people have their act together, and it’s okay to let your guard down and trust them. If they are welcoming, let yourself be welcomed. If they are comfortable, let yourself relax. It’s okay to ask for a little extra validation - check in with your partner and say “hey, since this is all new to me, sometimes I worry that your other partners aren’t okay with me being around.” If she reassures you that everything is fine, trust her! It is okay to trust her.

If there is something that they do or say that makes you feel like their “aww”s and their friendship is less-than-sincere, bring that up. If you feel comfortable, you can also just pull one aside and have an upbeat check-in: “hey, since I’m pretty new at this, I just wanted to check in and make sure everything is going well - you seem like you’re all okay with our dynamic, but sometimes I need to just hear it straight and clear. We good?” And, again, if they reassure you that it’s all good, let yourself believe them.

This is the kind of thing that gets easier with practice - the longer you’re around, the more opportunities they’ll have to prove to you that you are welcome, that you’re not under some kind of emotional microscope, and that you won’t be punished for letting your guard down and taking them at their word. If this is the kind of thing you have an especially hard time with because of previous unhealthy experiences, it’s also worth considering therapy to work out some of that internalized sense that you’re always responsible for other people’s feelings even if they aren’t being clear about what that means.

Is regular STI testing equally important in a closed polyfidelitous relationship?

If you're only having sex with your partners and your partners are only having sex with you and each other, is it still important for you and your partners to get tested regularly?

If the group is entirely closed - if Anna only has sex with Ben and Carter and Dana, and Ben only has sex with Anna and Carter and Dana, and Carter only has sex with Anna and Ben and Dana, and Dana only has sex with Ben and Anna and Carter - then no, regular testing is less critical.

Everyone should be tested yearly as part of an annual checkup (or talk to their sexual healthcare provider about what’s best for them), and everyone should have up-to-date test results at the beginning of the relationship. As long as everyone is on the same page with regards to safety, boundaries, and the nature of the relationship, it functions STI-risk-wise the same as a monogamous relationship between two people.

But if things change in any way - if Carter has sex with Samantha - then everyone needs to be tested regularly.

I found out an ex of mine has changed his tune about being polyamorous

I was in a relationship with a poly man for 3 yrs and was open to polyamory. I had a hard time because he was constantly gas lighting me. He felt strongly against monogamy and would break agreements/boundaries that I needed to feel safe. I finally cut him off 2 months ago after he tried to pull me back into dating him. Recently I started having ptsd and I contacted him & he told me that he has a new gf and has realized he is monogamous and was never poly. I feel very confused and hurt and angry.

PTSD is a serious mental illness, and people with PTSD need and deserve treatment. If your relationship with this man left you with trauma, the solution is to work with a mental healthcare professional, not to try and re-open those wounds by contacting him.

If you were able to rationalize his mistreatment of you as “oh, he’s polyamorous, so he has to act like this, he can’t help it,” but suddenly he’s identifying as monogamous, you now have to face the realization that he was just acting badly, without that salve of a pseudo-rationale. That’s painful. It’s possible he’s saying this to you because he knows it will be painful for you. But do NOT let it re-frame his behavior as something that you “deserved” or somehow brought on yourself. He was a jerk to you and treated you poorly, and whatever excuse or explanation he had at the time doesn’t really change that fact.

This guy sounds like he was, and still is, unsafe for you. Stop contacting him - you don’t need him to make sense, or apologize, in order for you to heal and move on. He can be out there in the world being wrong, and being someone who wronged you. Let that be the truth. He lied to you, he mistreated you, he strung you along - he’s the bad guy. The rest doesn’t really matter. Find someone to work with on the PTSD and let yourself move forward, not back.

I'm dating someone who's polyamorous, and can't help feeling unhappy about his other partner

Hello! I'm a 16 year old woman dating an 18 year old man, while he is also dating a 25 year old woman. I've been in love with this man for almost 2 years now. We've been technically together for about 8 months, but he has been dating the other partner for 6 months. I'm new with polyamory and I keep finding my self jealous whenever he usually talks about her. He reassures me constantly about how he loves us the same, but I still can't hide the jealousy. The other woman, I'll call her Jane for now, is a very nice and great person! I just can't escape the fact that I don't want them to be together because I'm constantly jealous, the age difference, and so on. He makes me so happy I can't imagine my life without him. But I also don't feel too happy about Jane. I'm very scared to tell him.

It sounds like maybe polyamory just isn’t for you! You like this guy, you even like his other partner, but the arrangement at its core doesn’t feel good. That’s okay! 

This is why I will continue to hold to my point that for some people, monogamy or polyamory is an orientation, something at the core of who they are, and not just a choice they can rationalize themselves into. Everything here is healthy, but it’s just not working for you. 

You may love this guy, and really want to be with him, but sometimes things get in the way of being with people. That’s life, that’s dating. Sometimes you’ll find yourself falling for someone who only dates other vegans, and sees your meat-eating as an irreconcilable difference, but you’re not willing to make such a drastic lifestyle change, and so it doesn’t work out. Sometimes you’ll develop a massive crush on a friend who only dates men. Or who is moving to Alaska next month.  

If this relationship makes you feel jealous and "not too happy,” it’s not the right relationship for you. It sounds like right now, you’d be happiest in a monogamous relationship. It’s awesome that you took the leap to try polyamory - but at your age, the point of dating is mostly data gathering, learning what you like and don’t like, learning who you are in relationships. So this has been a resounding success on that front! You got to sample healthy polyamory, and discovered that it isn’t for you. It’s now on you to act on that new knowledge.

I don't know how to tell my doctor that I've opened my marriage

I'm married and poly. My husband and I recently opened up our relationship, and I've started seeing someone. My actual concern is that I have my yearly checkup this month, and I'm not sure how to bring it up with my doctor. I know it's really important information to share with them, but I'm honestly a little nervous about bringing it up because I don't know how they'll respond. I made a mention to one of the nurses once a couple of years ago while discussing birth control that I might have sex with someone other than my husband in the future because I'm not mono, and she looked at me like I had two heads. I have a pretty hard time articulating what I want to say when I go to the doctor already, but this is something totally new for me. Do you have any advice on how to approach the subject?

It’s not necessarily critical that your doctor have all this information - they just need to know what’s relevant to your health, especially your sexual health. If you ask for an STI screening and they say “oh, that isn’t recommended/necessary for people who are married,” you can say that your circumstances are unique and leave it at that.

If you want to tell them, it’s fine to just be blunt and matter-of-fact: “I’d like to update my ‘sexual history’ since I filled out my patient forms. My husband and I have opened our relationship, and I now have multiple sexual partners, who may themselves have multiple sexual partners. We use [protection method]. I just wanted to make sure you knew that so we can discuss my health in an accurate context.”

If you’re worried, you can print something out or write something down to bring to your appointment. You can also email your doctor or call their office ahead of time if that makes you more comfortable. Check out this article about how to talk to your doctor about polyamory for some extra resources. And if you have health concerns that you really need to address in a context of safety and knowledge around polyamory, check out the poly friendly professionals index of healthcare providers.

I think my lover is sleeping with other people and not telling me

I am a 27yo poly woman with both a boyfriend and a BDSM lover. I think my BDSM lover is hooking up with men on the DL and don’t know what to do. We were hanging out and I saw an email over his shoulder that was a response to an MFM craigslist ad and he quickly closed out his email when he noticed I saw it. I do not care if he is hooking up with other men ( I am bisexual myself) but I don’t want to confront him about this and have him blow up in my face. How do I talk to him about this so that I 1.Feel safe in our relationship and 2.Trust in him that he is being open and honest with me as we agreed at the start of our relationship?

You say, clearly and openly, something like:

“Hey, I need to check in with you about something that’s been bothering me. I didn’t mean to snoop, but a few days ago I noticed you replying to an MFM ad and then you seemed to get nervous and hide it from me. Here’s the thing - I don’t care if you’re seeing other people or seeing men or anything like that. But I do care about secrecy. In order to feel safe in this relationship, things need to be out in the open. Partly that’s about trust, and partly that’s about health, safety, and informed consent.

I’m sorry if I did or said anything in the past that made you feel like you had to hide part of your sex life or your relationships from me. I just want to put it all out there that, as far as I’m concerned, openness is a non-negotiable part of this relationship - and I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear before. Can we talk about what else you’ve been up to, and come up with a way to keep it from being a secret or something that’s hidden?”

If he gets defensive or accusatory; if he refuses to talk about this; if he won’t agree to a relationship with the terms of openness and honesty, then end the relationship - it’s not what you need, and his insistence on secrets like that is a dealbreaker.