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how do you handle having two partners and wanting to marry both of them?
If you’re in America, plural marriage is still illegal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t address that desire in other ways.
What is it that you want, specifically? Do you want your union and commitment to be recognized by your friends and family? Do you want to live together, sharing a home and finances and domestic duties? Do you want to throw a big party celebrating your relationship?
Identify what you want, what “wanting to marry” really means to you. Journal. Daydream. Make pinterest boards. Whatever. And then, set about making those dreams come true. It might take some unconventional work, some legal consults, some research, and some creativity - but once you figure out what you want, get out there and get after it!
My partner likes to talk about sex with others and I've told him I don't enjoy that kind of talk and he still does it. I'll ask him to stop and he will continue to talk about it and when I ask again he goes further into detail until I'm having to be rude with him and then at that point he acts as if I'm being ridiculous and unfair. I don't know what to do.
In my years of being polyamorous, this is something I have seen a ton of variation in. Some people really enjoy talking about their sex life with their friends. Some people are incredibly shy and private about it. Some people fall in the middle of that spectrum. No one is being unreasonable or ridiculous, people just have different preferences and boundaries around this.
It sounds like you’re bringing this up in the moment, in front of his friends, which causes him to then escalate the situation. Try talking about this later, when it’s just you two, and he doesn’t feel threatened or interrupted. Let him know that it really bothers you, and ask him to stop.
At the core, this is a consent issue. If you’re uncomfortable having the details of your sex life shared with your partner’s friends, that is a boundary you have the right to set. It sounds like you set this boundary clearly and he is being dismissive of it and violating that boundary, and that is not okay. You have the right to keep details of your sex life private.
At the same time, it sounds like your partner gets a lot out of talking about sex with his friends, and that’s okay too. If possible, try coming up with a compromise that works for everyone. Talk about this in a calm atmosphere, and tell him that you really feel uncomfortable when he talks to others about his sex with you; but you don’t mind if he talks about sex in general or sex with his other partners.
That arrangement still carries some vulnerability - if he likes talking about going to a spanking workshop, and showing his friends the new leather crop he bought, they’re probably going to come to some conclusions about you and your sexual preferences. If that still isn’t working for you, that’s fine - set different boundaries instead.
If he refuses to respect this boundary of yours; if he makes it a habit of embarrassing you in front of his friends; if you don’t feel that he treats your sex together in a safe way; if he frequently acts like you’re being ridiculous when you make requests or set boundaries - leave the relationship, because those are all major red flags.
I feel like my partner is only poly because he’s too addicted to sex and making bad choices to be monogamous. I don’t think it’s about feeling connections with multiple people. I think it’s strictly for the benefit of being able to have sex with whoever whenever. He keeps having sex with people he says he won’t and I just keep asking ‘for what?’ but there’s no real answer and I’m sick of it honestly. He won’t stop and he doesn’t care who he hurts.
If you are “sick of it,” and feel that your partner “doesn’t care” if he hurts you, leave the relationship. If you feel that he is not being honest with you or himself about why he is making certain choices; if you feel that he is being irresponsible; if his actions are causing you pain or frustration - leave the relationship. It doesn’t really matter whether you’re right about his inner thoughts or motives, what matters is that he’s behaving in a way that makes this relationship no longer happy or healthy for you.
(Things I feel obligated to say: you’re not psychic or able to say why exactly someone does something, and it’s rarely appropriate to question or invalidate someone’s stated identity, even if you think their motivations are suspect. Only professionals are qualified to diagnose your partner with an addiction. Also, it’s perfectly fine for someone to pursue non-monogamy so that they can have lots of sex; that is not an inherently bad reason to be polyamorous.)
I recently became friends with benefits to a friend who has an ace partner that rarely experiences/wants that. Both of them agreed to it, but the ace partner has been more into that sort of thing lately and I’m no longer sure whether I fit in the dynamic. Recently I’ve now kissed both of them, and the ace one has made some comments about threesomes I’m unsure if are serious. As the third party I’m not sure if I should press a discussion about the dynamic shifts?
Yes, you as a third person absolutely have the right to “press a discussion.”
Hey, quick aside to everyone but the letter-writer: We all, collectively, as a polyamorous community, need to do a much better job to squash this weird cultural notion that’s out there about “thirds” having less agency, less security, and less of a right to assert their needs. Let’s just end that. Okay?
Back to you, letter-writer: of course you can bring this up. They already kissed you. You have every right to talk about that. To know where you stand. To get some clarity on the shifting-but-unspoken terms of the relationship.
Say something like “Hey, can we talk about something? We’ve kissed a few times, and I just want to know where we stand on that and how you’re feeling about things.” or “Can I ask you about something? You’ve made some comments about threesomes, but I’m not sure if you’re serious. Here’s how I’d feel about a threesome - what page are you on?”
If they act like you are somehow out of line asking for clarity on this, to know what you can expect and what is expected of you - then they’re not healthy to be in this arrangement with. But give them the chance, first, to have this discussion in an open and intentional way!
Now again to everyone, though I’m mostly speaking to my past self here: if you feel, in a relationship situation, like you have to just sort of go along with your partner; if you feel like something fragile will get unbalanced if you set any boundary, ask for something, make the unspoken spoken - that’s such an insecure place to be, and it’s awful, and don’t let yourself linger there. There’s a big difference between someone who is mature and independent and someone who just never ever causes a fuss. Be more willing ask for things! Any relationship that’s threatened by you articulating your needs and asking for clarity from them is not worth preserving with all the emotional labor you’re doing on their behalf.
Also,never ever keep someone in this emotional zone. Especially couples who date thirds, and men who date women, but also, everyone: take heed.
Hi Zinnia! If you are comfortable with it, would you mind talking a little bit about your faith and its relation to polyamory? I was raised Catholic in a rather strict community and had to unlearn a lot of toxic teachings to become comfortable with polyamory. I’m curious about your experience and keeping with the faith.
This answer ran really long, so I’l put it under a cut and break it up into sections.
I believe that I have always been polyamorous; I can look back at some thoughts, feelings, and questions I had even as a young kid and recognize that traditional monogamy just would never have been healthy for me. This “born this way” narrative helps strengthen my conviction that polyamory is an okay way to be; it’s not just urges that I need to resist to be a good person.
My personal faith journey is a bit unconventional in the sense that I was not raised Christian but converted as a teen. So I was lucky in that I didn’t grow up with a lot of toxic teachings about bodies, sexuality, relationships, purity, etc. I converted in the context of the Evangelical church, passionate and individual-focused, but I never held to much of their theology around social issues.
When I discovered polyamory as a term and concept and started practicing, I was 19 and had been Christian for about three years. I wasn’t too concerned with how it intersected with my faith; I was still learning who I was and what I believed, and I was the only Christian in my social group, so there wasn’t much pressure around that. My parents are okay with my polyamory and NOT okay with my conversion to Christianity. Go figure.
By the time I was 21, my identity and theology as a Christian, and my identity and philosophy as a polyamorous person, had both crystallized. They grew in form together, informed by my studies into queer, liberation and feminist theology. My polyamory is part of my faith; my faith is part of my polyamory. I see traditional attitudes about relationships, gender roles, and property rights as violent and outdated, and standing in opposition to the Gospel message, and healthy, intentional polyamory is one way, for me, of re-claiming the dynamic vision of wholeness that I believe the Kingdom reflects.
Romans 13:10 tells us: “Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” I believe sin is anything that separates us from God, each other, or ourselves; anything that denies someone agency and wholeness; anything that causes trauma to our bodies, earth, relationships, or minds. I can see no evidence that healthy, intentional polyamory does harm. It liberates us from rigid relationship roles that are tied up in oppressive ideas about gender, bodies, and economics. I don’t think it’s “wrong” or “sinful” to be polyamorous.
I am fully aware that parts of the Bible clearly prescribe monogamy - but I believe those sections must be understood in the context of the time. It is clearly sinful to cheat on someone, to use your body or your language in ways that hurt someone or leave someone vulnerable. Without a cultural concept of healthy polyamory, unhealthy non-monogamy of course looks sinful.
But the Bible also condones slavery, plural marriage, and violence against children, so, again, it’s important to understand context and culture. My old priest used to say “Jesus talked a lot more about economics than sex,” and she’s right. If you look at the core message of Jesus - liberation, wholeness, reconciliation, redemption, love - it is a lot more compatible with polyamory than a lot of the stuff we see in the Old Testament, stories being related to us not as an example to follow but a historical record of a specific people’s relationship to the Divine.
I get really insulted when people (that means you, everyone who messages me on OKCupid) imply that my polyamory and Christianity exist “in spite of” each other; or that I must “compartmentalize” in order to be both, or that I have to do some “reconciling” to avoid “cognitive dissonance.” To me, they are intertwined; they inform each other; they are rooted in the same thoughts, beliefs, values, feelings, desires, and needs.
My Christianity influences my polyamory - Gospel ideas about growth, healing, inclusion, and love. My polyamory influences my Christianity - practices centered around intentionality, identifying and communicating needs, honoring a person and their relationships without having to fit it into a pre-existing box. I am both a Christian Anarchist and a Relationship Anarchist, and that’s not exactly a coincidence.
I immediately started running into opposition, however. My spiritual leader on campus, the InterVarsity coordinator, disapproved of my polyamory and cited Scripture about it. It hurt my heart to have such an important part of my life and relationships rejected by someone who I needed to be a safe person, so I sort of just dropped that as a conversational topic, and she did the same, though I know she continued to “pray for me” over what she saw as a dangerous and harmful choice I was making.
Later, I took a volunteer gig as a youth ministry helper in a church. But since I was living with my boyfriend and unmarried, I was unable to sign the covenant the church required of actual volunteer-staff, which was why I remained a “helper” instead of a “leader.” In practice, had all the same roles and responsibilities as a leader, but on paper I held a lower position. The youth pastor and his wife were supportive and welcoming, treating the whole situation like a bureaucratic annoyance. But it was a clear signal that my understanding of sexual morality was different than this church’s party line, and so I kept my polyamory to myself.
I was accidentally outed during a conversation with the youth minister’s wife - I mentioned a college boyfriend, but she remembered that I had been with my current partner since high school. I said yes, we opened our relationship to get through the distance of college. She said “but now that you live together, that stopped, right?” I could have lied to her, but I really don’t like doing that - staying closeted through omission of details is one thing, but answering a direct question with a lie feels gross. I told her the truth.
She was clear with me that she doesn’t believe that is a wise or healthy or Godly choice. I was clear with her that I respected her position but wasn’t interested in being evangelized out of my relationship and identity. She told me she would pray for me and encouraged me to spend some time with the Holy Spirit seeking discernment about this. I told her that I would (knowing that the Holy Spirit and I frequently come to conclusions together that she wouldn’t agree with). She also made it clear that I was to keep this private at church, especially since I worked with the kids. I promised her that I would. She continues to be a good friend of mine, a loving and supportive sister in Christ.
When I moved to where I live now, I sought out a more open church. I found my way to the Episcopal church. They are known for being incredibly progressive in issues of sexuality, gender identity, etc. They have openly gay and leaders in the church, perform same-sex weddings, teach comprehensive sex-ed rather than purity-culture nonsense in their youth programs. I joined an Episcopal church in the area and soon was interviewing to be their youth minister. As part of the interview process, I told my priest, who would also be my boss, about my polyamorous identity.
He was less aggressively this-is-wrong than the other church leadership I’d spoken to, but was also not immediately welcoming. He told me that he didn’t see it as a problem and was still happy to hire me to minister to the youth of the parish. However, as a condition of my employment, he did want me to stay closeted at church. Essentially, his position was, he didn’t have an issue with it, but he also wasn’t “for it” enough to take a stand for me if the parents of the parish were put off or uncomfortable. He didn’t want me to put him in the position of defending something he wasn’t sure he was able or willing to defend. He also didn’t want concerns to be raised that I was teaching the kids something inappropriate or out of line with the church’s beliefs.
So I agreed. It was worth it - I love the kids and wouldn’t trade my place in the community for anything - but it is painful and isolating. I do live in fear of being “caught.” I have two long-term partners right now, one of whom is seen by the church as my boyfriend; and another who is my “friend.” I am very lucky that this person doesn’t pressure me to let him be his true self, hold my hand or kiss me when he visits me at church to hear me preach - it is a big thing I am asking of him, too, to be closeted as well, to be kept a secret. I have a lot of church people on my Facebook, so I cannot wish him a public happy anniversary, refer to him as my boyfriend, post any photos of us kissing, etc.
But I also live in most areas of my life as an out poly person. I run this blog (actually, the login page for my gmail which clearly says “polyamoryadvice” was accidentally projected to the entire parish when I plugged my computer in once, which gave me a gnarly panic attack but thankfully had no consequences) and have an OKCupid account (where local people have found me!). I worry about being doxxed or being seen out and about with one of my other partners. So It’s a fine line to walk and I do carry a lot of stress and sadness about it.
I have been open with my priest about my future desires to go into the Episcopalian priesthood, and he is very unsure of whether he could support me if I continue to be a practicing polyamorous person. If I started in the seminary, I would want to be out and proud, but that is not a bridge I need to cross just yet, because I am making different plans for the next few years of my life.
I would love to be able to write this blog under my real name. I would love to be able to publish articles about polyamory elsewhere, under my real name. I would love to be able to include all my partners in all areas of my life. I am often asked why I don’t push my priest, and my church community, to be more inclusive and accepting.
The answer is two-fold: one, I simply don’t have the energy right now. I am the only person of faith in my polyamorous network right now, and the only person my age in my church community. I just don’t have the peer support or community foundation to start such a fight right now. This sometimes makes me feel ashamed - I look at the pioneers who fought for women’s ordination or LGBTQ rights in the church, and I know their journey was lonely, and difficult, but ultimately worth fighting. I am just not ready to make those sacrifices just yet, to step into that loneliness and pain and struggle.
The second answer is that I want to be sensitive about what I am asking for. Church community and church beliefs are messy, complicated, and, for many people, sacred.
I wouldn’t appreciate it if I was running a community with a set of stated values and someone just showed up and insisted we change to accommodate them. Even if I agree that inclusion is a good thing! Even if the change they’re asking for would ultimately be for the better! This is the kind of thing where, sometimes, you stay in your seat and be a passenger for a while before you try and take the wheel to change course. I respected the right of my former church to set their morals and covenants, even if they didn’t suit me entirely.
I do not get to show up to an established community with established values and an established identity and start making a big mess of things. I don’t get to demand that they change the way they do everything to include or accept me. I wish I could. I wish there was space for me, all of me, in the church right now. But there isn’t. This makes me feel sad and lonely. And I intend to continue fighting for myself and others like me, looking ahead to a future where I don’t have to be so closeted or compartmentalized - but, for now, the healthiest thing for me to do right now is keep my head down on this issue, because I need a secure place in a church community to build a foundation on before I feel safe striking out on my own like that.
So there you have it! I hope this answers your questions.
This is a really sensitive topic for me - I often feel rejected and alienated from polyamorous communities because of hostility against Christianity, so please don’t send me hate mail about that. I honor and recognize that a lot of people, especially people in the queer community, have a lot of pain and trauma history around childhoods in the church, and you have every right to your anger. But please try not to direct it at me. I get enough snide comments and casual alienation in my daily life, where 99.9% of my peer group is atheist, and it’s pretty lonesome being a polyamorous Christian in an incredibly secular area, attending a church where my demographic is under-represented along every axis.
And if you are a Christian who wants to send me hate mail about how my Biblical interpretations are wrong and I am a hedonistic sinner, also, please just don’t. It really hurts my feelings. I don’t exactly fit in anywhere. I literally cried when I saw an etsy listing for a polyamorous-and-Christian pendant. So trust me, whatever you have to say, I’ve already heard it, and it made me feel bad, but I’m still polyamorous and Christian, so, save your energy and do something slightly more Christlike with your time. <3
Hi, I just recently discovered I’m into the concept of polyamory but for some reason only the concept of a triad really appeals to me. Does this mean I’m not really poly or is this just a preference like how I’m bisexual but tend to gravitate more toward men?
Triads and polyfidelity are a type of polyamory. So wanting a triad is a way of being polyamorous. You’re exactly right in that it is just a preference of a polyamorous person. Relax! You are polyamorous!
Your identity should never be a topic of debate, and if someone tells you that you’re “not really poly” because you only want a polyamorous triad, bounce their invalidating, gatekeeper ass right out of your life.
thank you everyone for your patience while i slept off a nasty bout of bronchitis. i usually try and keep the queue full enough that short absences go unnoticed, but i was sick for long enough that i ran out the queue, and just did not have the energy to replenish it!
anyway, i’m back now, and daily posts will resume! big thanks to everyone who sent lovely notes while i was sick. <3
I am very sick! Please be patient!
I was that grey-Ace anon and whoops Im sorry I didn’t mean to be offensive with wording and sound so bad 😅 I just didn’t know how to word it. Thanks for your answer though!
Hey, it’s okay!
I don’t usually post follow-ups like this, but in this case I want to point out that when I call attention to language like I did in the most recent letter, I am never trying to shame someone or say that they are being offensive or wrong.
Instead, I believe strongly that healthy polyamory (and healthy personhood, honestly) means recognizing our unconscious assumptions. We need to identify what we believe, pull it into the light, examine it, and with intentionality decide whether we want to keep that belief or not.
A lot of times, we move through the world thinking that how we see things is just an objective observation of reality - that if we interpret something one way, that’s just how it is. Because how else are we supposed to know what the world is like if we can’t trust our senses and interpretations?
But when you sit down with yourself, your thoughts and feelings, you might find that some “facts” you take for granted; some of the structure of your worldview - it’s not that useful or true.
So when I call attention to the language in a letter, I am not trying to correct you or call you out. I am trying to say, “hey, based on your language, you might actually be framing things this way - I encourage you to recognize that that is a way of framing things rather than simply how things inherently are.”
Looking at the language we use is a great way to expose and explore the underlying assumptions we have about the world! It’s just a little “hey, did you notice…” from me, trying to be helpful, not accusatory! The words we choose for things we struggle to define can be powerful clues about how our minds are putting it all together.
Another example might be me saying “I know I shouldn’t be so angry, but I really can’t stand when my mom does XYZ.” I’m trying to talk about the issue with my mom, but my therapist stops me and points out that I prefaced my emotions with “I shouldn’t feel this way” and encourages me to explore that sense of shame or repression around my anger. To me, it was just an innocuous conversational way of introducing a topic, but she is trained to see these patterns and help us be cognizant of them. It doesn’t mean it was a bad thing to say, just that it’s good to pay attention to the words we use, because sometimes they reveal things we haven’t consciously noticed.
Go forth, live intentionally, date healthfully, and keep sending me letters! <3
I’m poly and gray asexual, but I’m in a monogamous relationship. The only person I can see myself having sex with is my boyfriend. Anyone else I don’t want that. If we agreed to bring someone in, could it only be for romantic purposes and not sexual?
You’re asking the wrong person here - I can’t be the one who gives the go-ahead for the relationship arrangement you want. That’s up to your boyfriend and anyone else you date.
Think through, really clearly, what you want and what you mean by “bring someone in” and “only for romantic purposes.” First off, be careful with language that accidentally frames things in a possessive or objectifying way - people are not toys you “bring in” to your relationship; you have a relationship with people, it’s two-sided and dynamic. And people are not “for…purposes” - polyamory is not permission to see or treat other people like need-meeting machines.
My advice for you is to sit down and really, clearly, honestly, clarify what you want.
Does that mean you want to date other people, but not have sex with them? That seems entirely possible, especially if you find another ace or gray-ace person.
Does that mean you want to add a third to your relationship and date someone as a couple? In that case, would this person have the option of sex with your boyfriend? Would you expect it to be a closed relationship between the two of you, or would you be okay with this third person having other romantic and/or sexual partners?
Keep in mind that the proposition “I want you to date me and my boyfriend, but not have sex with either of us, even though we’re having sex with each other” is a hard sell, and if you add, “and also, we don’t want you to date or have sex with anyone else,” it’s even worse. You may need to decide what you’re willing to compromise or sacrifice to get most of what you want, if all of what you want means making setting unreasonable terms.
You also need to work out a definition of what a “romantic” relationship means to you, as distinguished from a sexual one. How much physical affection does that include? How does it differ from a close friendship? What kind of commitment does it include? What labels would you prefer to use for each other?
We live in a vast world, one where just about anything is possible, and people have all sorts of different needs and desires when it comes to sex, romance, monogamy, and relationships. It’s entirely possible that you can find what you’re looking for. You just need to know what it is that you’re looking for, and have a relational arrangement that is healthy for everyone, including this hypothetical third person.
I have two partners. Partner A only has one other partner who doesn’t have any other partners. Partner B has two other partners, both of which have other partners. One of Partner B’s partners contracted gonorrhea so now we all have to get tested. Like, ten of us. And I’m freaking out a little bit. Gonorrhea isn’t a big deal, but it could have just as easily been HIV or something else not treatable. What do you do to keep yourself safe?
I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with an STI scare and it’s got you freaking out. Let me first try and soothe some of that anxiety. It’s actually a really good sign that you know what’s going on and that everyone is going to get tested. It shows that the people in your extended polyamorous network are mature and responsible enough to have awkward, unpleasant conversations for the sake of everyone’s safety.
In fact, one study found that healthy, consensual non-monogamy actually reduces your risk of contracting an STI, because it creates the “emotional infrastructure” required to keep everyone safe. If you were monogamous and your partner cheated on you, for instance, you wouldn’t have the same exchange of information and openness. So be proud of yourself and your partners and metamours for being trustworthy grownups about this.
As for the concern about other STIs: I know it can be easy to jump to the worst-case-scenario of “what if it was HIV?” but I want to try and offer some alternative framings. For one thing, i’m not sure it “could just have easily been HIV,” since gonorrhea and chlamydia are the most commonly reported STIs among young sexually active people, and there are far fewer new cases of HIV every year. (Source.)
Also, it sounds like your polyamorous network is responsible enough to reduce your risk significantly with regards to HIV - someone with HIV who gets tested regularly would know they have HIV and take active steps to inform their partners and reduce their transmission risks. So it sounds like within the circle of people you’re sexually linked to, it’s much ‘easier’ for a gonorrhea infection to accidentally show up than an HIV one.
Know that HIV is treatable, even though it is not currently curable. Once an HIV infection is discovered, the person with the virus can take drugs that significantly reduce their viral load and thus their transmission risks. But, again, if someone who is HIV-positive enters your polyamorous network, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. STIs are not interchangeable; the fact that you may have been exposed to gonorrhea doesn’t mean you have the same risk level of exposure to HIV.
Second, as for the question what do you do to keep yourself safe? Exactly what you are doing! The person with gonorrhea did the right thing by getting tested regularly enough to catch it. Everyone did the right thing by alerting the extended network. You’re doing the right thing by going and getting tested. It sounds like you’ve surrounded yourself with people who are wise and safe, that you choose partners well and your partners choose their partners well. Great job!
In the end, though, there is no way to 100% guarantee that you’ll never be exposed to an STI, whether it’s gonorrhea or HIV, as long as you have multiple partners who have multiple partners. All you can do is reduce your risk by:
My partners and I use condoms for 100% of penetrative sex. I would consider it a major consent violation if I found out that a partner of mine had condom-less sex with someone else, or if one tried to pressure me into condom-less sex. I would also consider it a major violation on my part, akin to cheating in a monogamous relationship, if I chose to have condom-less sex. If I find out that someone is lax about protection or part of a polyamorous network with a higher risk tolerance than me, I don’t sleep with them.
It’s okay for different people to have different risk tolerances. Know yours, and stick to it. Most things in life that are enjoyable or otherwise worth doing carry some risk. Car accidents kill tons of people every year, but I still make the calculated risk to drive to where I want to go. I drive safely and wear a seatbelt, but I accept that “risking a car accident” is what I choose instead of “never drive anywhere.” Some people make a different choice, and that’s okay. Rather than trying to guard yourself 100% against potentially getting an STI, try instead to be clear-eyed and balanced about the risks you are and are not willing to take.
Hi! I am poly-single/AB/‘virgin’ and working on expressing and meeting my social/romantic/sexual needs at the moment with my therapist as I am shy and afraid of making them real. I got an invitation from some members of the local poly group (among them my crush), they are organizing a 'pleasure party’, uncommercial, but with a strong focus on consent and safe sex. Do you have any tips for overcoming my insecurity or how to deal with the people there, so I can freely experience new things there?
First off, major kudos to you for working on this with your therapist and taking the big steps of connecting with a local polyamory group and making plans! You are doing the hard work of healing and growing, and that is something to be really proud of. Some tips from me:
Take the pressure off yourself. Some therapists working with clients to set new habits assign things like “every day, after work, drive to the gym. Just drive there and sit in your car for a bit.” That is easier to start with than “go to the gym and WORK OUT FOR A WHOLE HOUR,” especially if the person has anxiety around going to the gym or working out. So just plan to go and not have sex. Plan to go, meet people, get the lay of the land, see what these parties are all about. If all the stars align and you end up feeling comfortable and playing with someone you click with, great! But let that be a lucky bonus, not the purpose of your attendance.
Wear something you feel comfortable in. This is a tough one to get the right balance of, but it’s worth some pre-planning because in my experience, it does make a difference. If everyone is wearing strappy black leather and lingerie and you come in a bright yellow sundress or jeans and a t-shirt, you’ll stand out and feel self-conscious. At the same time, if you go buy something lacy and tiny that you’re not used to wearing, you’ll have a hard time enjoying yourself if you feel too exposed and are always worried about tugging or adjusting something uncomfortable. Ask the people who invited you what people usually wear, and take some time with your own wardrobe or shopping to find something that you are going to be comfortable in.
Be honest about your newbie-status. People at parties like this tend to be lovely, welcoming, friendly, and gentle. Don’t feel like you have to fool people into thinking you’re some expert who’s done this a million times. It’s okay to say that you’re new to this, that you’re a bit nervous, etc. It’s okay to ask questions. If anyone acts exclusive, rude, gatekeeper-y, or anything beyond sweet and helpful, they are not a safe person. It reflects on them, not you.
Be as independent as possible. It can be tempting to find a ‘buddy’ that you already know, maybe the person who invited you, and stick with them - and that’s definitely a good place to start, but don’t rely on them the entire time. If you only feel secure when right next to someone you already know, you won’t get to meet other people or enjoy other experiences. Plus, if they want to go off and play, or talk to someone else, etc. then you might feel abandoned or unsafe, and that’s no fun! So do your best to make friends, move through the room, hover near the food, step into those loose circles of people standing around and talking, make eye contact and smile and thus invite people to introduce themselves, etc.
Any advice for a married straight poly man new to non-monogamy my wife has no problems finding dates I on the other hand I can’t even get a conversation to last past the explanation of poly life. I try to get to the subject up front so there are no surprises and also I feel dishonest if I don’t right away. Am I rushing the subject or just not looking in the right direction?
If you take a random slice of the population in most places, the average woman is not going to be super excited about a guy who tries to pick her up by explaining that he’s already married. I haven’t been there to watch you try to find dates, but I’d guess it’s probably a combination of the two.
It’s a delicate balance to ‘come out’ as polyamorous to potential new partners, one you learn through trial-and-error, unfortunately. You gotta build enough chemistry to lay a foundation for that conversation, but you can’t wait too long, or it does feel dishonest. You also need to learn how to bring it up gently and casually, not like you’re unburdening a great secret or laying out all sorts of terms and arrangements right up front.
And even if you explain polyamory at the exact right time in the best possible way, you’ll have way worse luck with women you meet at bars or coffee shops or whatever. Again, the average woman is not super into dating married men. Try dating avenues that let you select for, and be selected for, people who are already open to non-monogamy. I’ve found that online dating is best for this, as well as polyamorous meetups and real-life groups. Here’s my FAQ page about this.
Know also that it’s just harder for men to get dates with women than for women to get dates with men. It’s a sad reality of the dating economy that patriarchy has handed down to us. So try not to compare your dating successes with your wife. Don’t be in such a rush. Let go of a need for things to be ‘equal’ on this front. Invest in friendships or solo hobbies that mean you have something fun to do instead of dating. And just be patient!
My wife doesn’t want us to go past kissing with our girlfriend at least for the time being, but the gf wants to have sex she feels like it’s been missing from her life and honestly I don’t blame her. Personally I would rather bring her in with me and my wife. Instead though she asked if she could seek other partners and at first me and my wife were fine with it, but now I feel a strong jealousy starting to form and I don’t know what to do
To clarify: you and your wife are dating a third person, but neither of you will have sex with her. At the same time, you’re expecting the arrangement to be exclusive - she doesn’t have sex with anyone else, either.
This is deeply imbalanced. Neither you nor your wife have made the same promise to her, I’m assuming - you two are still free to have sex with each other, without her. This is not a sustainable arrangement.
Think about where your jealousy is coming from. Jealousy is often referred to as a “secondary emotion” meaning it always has some fear, threat, or other feeling driving it. It’s too vague to just say you have “jealousy” - you need to interrogate that feeling, sit with it, and figure out what’s going on.
If you have a concrete concern: that she will expose you and your wife to STDs; that the partners she is seeking have a history of violence or drama or consent violations; that she has a pattern of abandoning time with you for her new partners - talk about that.
Are you worried that she’ll find something easier or more fun and stop dating you and your wife? In this case, the solution is not to try and keep her through ‘force’ by using rules and restrictions - the solution is to work on the relationship with your girlfriend so what you’re offering is worth staying around for.
Are you feeling threatened by the idea of another person having sex with someone you see as your partner? This knee-jerk possessiveness is common for people, especially men, raised with traditional concepts of sex and relationships. This is something you need to let go of. When we were kids, my little brother hated to share his books. If I picked up one of “his” books to read it, he’d whine, “she’s using it up! She’s using it up!” This is absurd, clearly - reading a book does not “use it up.” He just didn’t like seeing someone else touching or reading his books. Feeling jealous over the fact that someone else is sleeping with your partner in a non-monogamous arrangement is similarly absurd - there is no inherent threat to you or your ability to enjoy time with this partner.
Realize that you, in fact, are in an incredibly secure position. You have a wife. Your girlfriend doesn’t seem to be threatening your marriage. You have way less to lose here than your girlfriend. Realize also that your ability to have sex with your wife doesn’t seem to be threatening your relationship with your girlfriend. Try to apply that same logic to her. If you can have sex with people-who-are-not-your-girlfriend, why can’t your girlfriend have sex with people-who-are-not-you?
Also, sometimes, being a grownup means you have unpleasant feelings that you have to put up with. Feeling “jealousy” does not mean you have an unalienable right to make demands of your partner, nor that they have a sacred obligation to soothe your jealousy. Sometimes we want things that we can’t have. Sometimes I feel annoyed or bored during work meetings, but that doesn’t mean I get to just up and leave. You may be feeling uncomfortable about this, but the solution might just be to “suck it up.” Make the sacrifice of enduring a bad-feeling so your partner can have the same freedom-to-sleep-with-partners-who-are-not-you that you have (remember, your girlfriend isn’t demanding that you not have sex with your wife, and I suspect that if she did, you would not acquiesce or see it as justified).
Please check out this website and all the linked resources for help managing and improving this situation.
I’m in a polyamorous relationship and it’s fantastic. I’ve never seen my girlfriend so happy, but here’s the thing, she very extroverted and I’m extremely introverted. I’m ungodly picky, like slow burns and I’ve already shortened my list because I’m a lesbian. How does one go about meeting people without it happening every two years?
Online dating is great for this! It lets you filter for polyamorous lesbians, and lets you check people out and chat from the comfort of your own bed. Plus, you can slow-burn as long as you want over chat!
So are local groups that connect you with like-minded folk who share your hobbies. You can check out groups for lesbians to meet and socialize, and also groups for whatever interests you have. There are “shut up and write” groups in many cities where you get together with a group of people and mostly don’t talk much, just write in each other’s company for a while. Afterwards some people stay and chat or exchange contact info.
Also, maybe let go of the concept that it’s a problem if you don’t meet many new partners. It sounds like your timeframe works for you: it lets you be picky and doesn’t force you into dating a bunch of people you’re meh on, and it lets you enjoy the slow-burn buildup of a relationship without feeling rushed or pressured. If you are okay with your dating life as it is, but just feel like you’re being left behind by your girlfriend, maybe the solution isn’t for you to find more frequent dates, but for you to cultivate more time with your girlfriend to temper the NRE that pulls her attention away, to spend time with friends or solitary hobbies, and let go of the sense that you need to ‘keep up’ with her dating pace.
I’m in an open relationship and I have two partners- my boyfriend also has a girlfriend as well as me, and while I’m okay with his girlfriend I just don’t particularly like her. Like as a person. I can stand being around her for small amounts of time, but I don’t think I could ever consider her a friend. I worry that, if my boyfriend ever asked for me to hang out with her, that when I say no he’ll get upset. I just want him to understand that, and I don’t want to offend him.
A healthy relationship includes the freedom to be honest, even about unpleasant or inconvenient truths. Both of my partners have friends that I don’t particularly like, and we make it work. The conversation usually goes like this:
“I don’t really like your friend Blevin.”
“That’s fair. I won’t invite him to things you host and won’t be annoyed if you make yourself scarce when he’s around.”
The trick is not to be accusatory about the friend or metamour - don’t say or imply that they’re a bad person, or that your partner is blind to some critical flaw, or wrong for liking them. Just let it stand as a personal preference of yours. I hate jazz and metal music (I know, musically my palate is Unrefined), so when my partner goes to jazz or metal concerts, he finds someone else to go with. Not everything, or everyone, must be mutually enjoyed.
So if your boyfriend suggests that you become one-on-one friends with his girlfriend, it’s okay to politely decline. “I’m happy to be nice to Stephanda when you have her around, but she’s not someone I’m interested in hanging out with more.”
If your boyfriend wants to know why, try to take a shrugging but gentle tone. “She and I just don’t click. I know she makes you happy, and I love that you two have a good relationship, but I’d rather just let her stay on the edges of my life as your partner.”
If he can’t handle this honesty, if he gets angry or defensive or demands that you give her another chance, that reaction is his problem and inappropriate on his part, and you’ll need to think about whether you can be in a polyamorous arrangement with someone whose terms of the relationship include “you are not allowed to dislike my other partners ever” - but I wouldn’t worry about this unless it actually happens. Give him a chance to be healthy and accepting of this imperfect and inconvenient, but not really problematic, situation.
I have insecurity issues particularly because I have a history of being left for other people. The man I’m with now (6mo LDR) had done so prior, married her. He’s divorced now. He doesn’t want to label what we’re doing but he tells me he loves me. He wants me to think about moving in with him from another state with my kid. I want to but I’m scared about his commitment. I can’t for a while yet. How do I talk to him about “us” and labels? I’m taking a risk, but it needs to be a calculated risk?
Hold up. If I’m reading this right, you’re currently dating a person who previously left you for another woman, married her, then divorced her and got back together with you. You’ve been together in this second relationship for six months now, all long distance. He wants you to move to another state to be with him. But he isn’t willing to use language to commit to you.
I do not think you should make this move. I do not think you should continue to sidestep your own needs because this guy “doesn’t want to label” things. You do not “have insecurity issues,” you are in a fundamentally insecure situation. He is making sure that he provides you no security, then making you feel like your sense of insecurity is coming from your own “issues,” not a clear-eyed observation of the reality of the situation.
You have the right to ask for what you need. If he refuses to give it to you, walk away. Say something like: “The fact that you refuse to “label” what we’re doing isn’t working for me anymore. Am I your girlfriend? Are you my boyfriend? How would you define our relationship? Are we committed to seeing each other exclusively? What do you see as our future together? Are you committed to staying with me unless an issue comes up between us, not just until you don’t feel like it anymore? I need honest, clear answers to these questions before I’m willing to make any more commitments to this relationship.”
That is an appropriate and fair thing to ask. If he acts like you’re being demanding or controlling or pushy or “moving too fast,” then there’s your answer: that he is not able or willing to provide you the security that you need. He doesn’t want to make a commitment to you. He doesn’t want to give an inch, but he wants you to cross the miles for him. Stop doing 100% of the emotional heavy lifting here. Stop sacrificing your security for his freedom. Ask for what you need. If he can’t or won’t provide it, find a more secure relationship.
I’m starting to think poly isn’t for me… wanted your advice on it. I’ve been with my SO for about 2 years now. They’re amazing and my world. Their SO is really nice too. But since we’ve come out to our families… his SO family hates me and thinks I’m going to ruin their lives. My SO’s family likes me but I overheard them talking about how I’m temporary because their child is just going through things… it just hurts to be like labeled as not real by so many. I’m not a bad person…
It’s up to you to decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you. For some people, dating someone also means dating their family, and being hurt, insulted, or alienated by their partner’s family would make the relationship untenable. Other people find that external influences like other people’s opinions and behaviors are much less of a factor when determining whether a relationship is going to work. Both perspectives are totally fine; they just differ across people.
My first suggestion would be to talk to your partners whose family members are saying these hurtful things. Maybe what you need is for them to stand up to their family: “You may not approve of my relationship with Xaniel, but you need to keep that to yourself. Speaking unkindly or disrespectfully about my partner is not okay and I will not tolerate it.”
Maybe the answer is to spend less time around these family members and stay in social and relational spaces that are safe for you. That is totally okay too! You have the right to set boundaries that are healthy for you: “I know you wanted to do Thanksgiving with your family, but last time I visited, I ended up in a lot of pain and doubt after how they talked to me and about me, so I’m going to be elsewhere this year.”
I don’t think this is necessarily a sign that polyamory isn’t for you - perhaps this relationship isn’t for you, if the emotional minefield surrounding it is something you can’t or don’t want to navigate. Perhaps simply the current arrangement, where you’re around for these family members to say nasty things, is what’s not working. In general, if something is making you happy and working for you, and other people are being mean about it, the solution is not to stop doing the thing - it’s to either stand up to, or ignore and avoid, the people being unkind.
How can I figure out if I’m poly? I’ve been confused about this for a while now. Also, if I am poly does that mean that I’m not “actually asexual”
Here’s my FAQ page about this! Don’t worry too much about “figuring it out” - there’s no test or scan that can go “beep boop, polyamory nodule located, you are polyamorous.” Spend some time daydreaming about best and worst case scenarios, think about what draws you to relationships in media, read about polyamory, and in the meantime, live your best life.
You can be asexual and polyamorous; polyamory is the ability to have multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships. You can be interested in a dating or romantic relationship, but not a sexual one.