Hi…I just can’t get over the guilt of my polyam relationships. I’m a woman with two male partners. I just - they deserve better, they ID as monogamous (initially anyway, probably still by preference) and I feel I’ve forced them into this. Heck, *I* ID as monogamous at heart. I just love both these two men. Nobody else, but…I can’t shake the hideous guilt. None of us looked for this. But it’s my fault. They say they’re ok and it’s just how it is. But…

Sometimes things just fall into place in ways we didn’t expect. It’s okay to let the present be the present, even if it wasn’t what you planned for in the past.

If everyone is happy, if all needs are getting met, if communication lines are open and clear, if the relationships are fulfilling - then there’s really no need for guilt. You’re not doing anything wrong. No one is being hurt. 

You are allowed to ask things of others. They are allowed to give you what you ask. This doesn’t make you evil, or them the victim. 

People are allowed to choose to be with you. Even if that requires some work or even some compromise. You’re worth it. You don’t need to be perfect or ask nothing of your partners for you to be what they ‘deserve.’

The fact that your partners find themselves in a polyamorous arrangement is not your “fault.” If no one is getting hurt, then no one is at “fault.” Let go of this projected, pseudo-psychic assumption that you’re hurting them. If they say you’re not, trust them.

Your partners chose to be with you. You chose to be with your partners. Respect this choice. Honor the agency of everyone involved. You’re not holding them hostage to a crappy relationship. There is freedom and choice here. 

If the feelings of guilt come from something specific that your partners do or say; if they are sending hints that they are being hurt - talk to them about it. If this is coming from external messages, from media or other people, disengage from the sources of that guilt.

And if this “hideous guilt” is keeping you from living and enjoying your life, or if it’s cropping up in other areas of your life as well, please consider talking to a poly-friendly therapist about this.

Some resources:

My partner explains that his anger and negativity are because of his anxiety, but I still feel really hurt when he blows up at me after I go on dates or says tons of negative things about anyone I have even slight interest in. How can I be both supportive of his anxiety, which I know he’s trying to work on, and also take care of my own emotional needs? I feel like I’m taking on all the emotional labor because my anxiety isn’t as “loud” as his is and it’s really starting to make me miserable

Mental illness is never an excuse to be hurtful. It can be an explanation, a way to give language to the challenge, a way to help understand and communicate through tough spots. But explanations are not the same as excuses.

You are not obligated to simply bear your partner’s anger and negativity because he can tie it to a diagnosed mental illness. Your partner’s behavior - making extreme emotional demands, refusing to take responsibility for his behavior, guilting you about your feelings for other people, blowing up at you - is not healthy and it is not okay. Period.

If this relationship is making you miserable, leave it. If you want to try and make things work, let your partner know that some pretty big changes need to happen. He can no longer dump negativity and anger on you simply because he has tough-to-manage thoughts and feelings. Not all thoughts and feelings need to be acted on. He needs to make some major steps to start working on this unfair and unhealthy behavior, stat. If he is not seeing a therapist, he needs to do that. If he is seeing one, he needs to make this a treatment priority.

You have the right to set down clear boundaries: “I am no longer going to accept this kind of treatment. I am no longer going to have this kind of conversation. You need to come up with a healthier way to relate to me about these issues. Your current strategies for managing your anxiety are not working and you need to commit to serious changes for the sake of our relationship.” If he cannot or will not do this, this relationship isn’t healthy for you.

What is the best way for me to communicate to a partner that it’s not okay for them to interact with social media, etc when we’re being intimate and/or having sex?

In the vast majority of situations, the best way to communicate something to a partner is clearly, honestly, and in as non-accusatory a way as possible. Bring it up when you two are together but not in the middle of an intimate moment - just as a check-in and a request.

“Hey, the last few times we were snuggling in bed, you were on your phone - and that actually really bothers me. Could you please put the phone/computer/social media way while we’re having sexy or intimate time together?”

If they say “sure, I didn’t realize that was an issue, sorry!” then, great! If they do it again, a gentle reminder: “Can we agree no phones right now?”

This is a perfectly reasonable request for you to make - it doesn’t mean your partner has been doing something wrong since they didn’t know this bothers you, but once you let them know, it should be relatively easy to work through. It’s good practice to get into the habit of gently but openly having this kind of conversation in any relationship.

If, when you ask, they refuse, if they downplay it, insist that you shouldn’t be bothered, try to argue, etc. then they aren’t ready or willing to meet this need for you, and you need to decide whether this is a sustainable setup long-term for you.

I recently started therapy for anxiety. The therapist is nice enough, but, when I mentioned being poly, he said it’s okay while I’m young, but that I need to choose one partner if I want to get married or have kids. I have tried to tell him that I disagree, but he just retorts with something to the effect of, “It’s statistically impossible.” I am not out to my parents, so telling them I don’t want to go to therapy anymore would be difficult because I don’t have a reason. How do I approach this?

First off, I am really sorry that you’re dealing with this - therapy should be a safe and affirming place, but therapists are people too, who often bring their biases or baggage into the session as well. It sucks and it’s not what you deserve from a mental healthcare professional.

Unfortunately, you are not alone - many healthcare professionals are uninformed about polyamory, which can be frustrating and block polyamorous people from getting the best care. One gynecologist insisted that I was in an abusive relationship because my male partner had manipulated or brainwashed me into thinking it’s okay that he has other partners and pressed a bunch of domestic violence pamphlets into my hand. She was well-intentioned, but it was sad and alienating for me to be told that my healthy, consensual relationship is actually abuse.

You have a few options here - none are ideal, but the situation itself isn’t ideal. Choose whichever one sounds safest to you.

One: Keep your polyamory out of the sessions. If you’re seeing the therapist for anxiety, talk about your anxiety and avoid the topic of polyamory. Of course it’s suboptimal to feel closeted or like you can’t share the whole story of yourself with your therapist, but if your anxiety is primarily about things besides relationships, you may be able to re-frame therapy for yourself as a sort of ‘targeted’ medical procedure rather than an open-ended talk-therapy relationship. Ask your therapist about CBT or DBT, talk mostly about your anxiety and how it feels and what triggers it, and clarify for yourself and your therapist what your treatment goals are, keeping them focused on reducing the anxiety and its symptoms.

Two: Find another therapist. Lots and lots of people take a few tries to find a therapist they really click with, and it’s totally okay to shop around. You don’t need to tell your parents exactly why you don’t feel 100% safe and comfortable with this therapist, you can just say that you’d really appreciate the chance to try a different one. Or, make up a white lie - you’d prefer someone younger, or of a different gender, or you don’t like how he approaches [other issue]. You can review some articles with them like this one and ask if they are open to letting you do some research and find another person to talk to. Of course, there may be barriers to this, including time, distance, cost, and insurance - so let your parents know that you are grateful to them for helping you access therapy in the first place, and be as collaborative as possible about this request. 

Three: Try to educate your therapist. I hesitate to suggest this, because it’s really not your responsibility, and you may end up feeling even more alienated or unsafe if he refuses to receive what you have to say. But if you want to try, there are materials out there to help therapists understand polyamory in an accurate and healthy way. You could write him a letter or bring it up in conversation. You can print or email him some resources like:

You could say something like “When I mentioned my relationship orientation [or however you define/experience your polyamory], you were dismissive of polyamory. In order for me to feel safe in therapy, I need to know that my whole self and my relationships are accepted and understood here. It sounds like you’re working from outdated information or a misunderstanding of polyamory. In reality, it’s well-documented that polyamorous relationships can be as healthy and long-lasting as monogamous ones, and it is a valid [identity/orientation/relationship style]. As your patient, I’d ask that you read this and work with me to become better informed so that our treatment relationship isn’t harmed by misunderstanding or prejudice. I’m happy to answer any questions.”

No matter what you choose, know that you are valid, you are awesome, and you deserve a happy, healthy, fulfilling life. Anxiety is a beast (I also am in treatment for an anxiety disorder), but you are doing the hard work of fighting it! I am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. And this period of your life, where your parents and other adults are all up in your business about who you are, will end eventually. I promise. 

I’m just so hurt and upset that my family will not accept me for who I really am. They can not get over that I have a husband and my boyfriend who will be moving in with us later this year. I’m trying so hard to get them to see that it would mean a lot to me for them to meet him and be able to have him at family gatherings as well but thru refuse to even give him a chance. I’m at the point of saying I will just not go anymore.

You know how people say “blood is thicker than water”? The actual quote is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” I’m firmly of the belief that you owe more to, and are owed more by, the people who you choose to be in your life and who choose to be in your life. Simply sharing DNA with someone by a happenstance of fate doesn’t mean they’re going to be healthy to have in your life.

I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this. Polyamorous people are not the first, and won’t be the last, minority to face rejection from their families. It’s so painful. But you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries and standing up for your chosen family, by fighting for the relationships that serve you and lift you up. Try to be proud of the strength and courage it takes to stand up to your family’s ignorance and protect what matters most: the love you, your husband, and your boyfriend share.

If the frustration and the alienation gets to be too much, please consider talking to a therapist that specializes in issues like this, or joining a polyamorous group in your area or online. <3

Both my partners are living together hours away from me and I don’t have any way of contacting either of them and recently I’ve been having a lot of relationship insecurities. Usually I talk them out with my partners but I can’t do that and I don’t know when I’ll be able to speak to them again. I don’t know what to do.

It sounds like your inability to contact them is the core issue here - my advice is to consider that situation an emergency and do what you need to do to resolve it. Is it a person in your life or their lives who is being controlling and restricting contact? Is it an issue of access to technology? Is it funding? Make a plan to get some kind of contact in place, whether it’s sending emails from a library or writing letters or buying a burner phone. Start a GoFundMe, enlist a friend to help - do what you have to do.

If you really can’t talk to your partners, you’ll have to find other ways to work on those insecurities. Try journaling about them, joining a polyamorous chatroom or forum, talking to a therapist, spending time with friends you trust, or working on a self-help workbook focused on whatever you’re specifically struggling with.

I was with my ex for almost three years, he was my everything. He was my only friend. We would always fight over who I talked to( as in guys). He was also very controlling. I honestly wanted us to last. But the accusations weren’t worth it anymore. So I gave up. I dumped him and blocked him. He’s met someone else and I can’t seem to stop checking his social media to see what he’s been up to. Do you think I really loved him or that it just hurts that he’s moved on?

That sounds like an unhealthy relationship, and you did the right thing by leaving it. But few things in life are 100% black-and-white. Having feelings of sadness and pain after a breakup is NOT evidence that a breakup was the wrong choice. 

Stop checking his social media - block him even harder if that’s possible, enlist a friend to help you break this habit, take a social media fast - and give yourself the time it will take to heal from this. It’s okay to have complicated feelings, it’s okay to need time to feel better. Focus on what makes you happy right now.

I’m poly and my bf is mono. I recently caught feelings for a coworker and my bf is not happy about it. We’ve been together for 6 years and I don’t want to ruin that. Can I change to be mono? Maybe therapy? It’s killing me and I don’t know what to do.

There is no poly-to-mono conversion therapy, nor should there be. If you have an inherent ability and desire to love multiple people at once, well, that’s who you are.

You can’t really change your feelings, but what you can focus on is how you choose to act on those feelings. A lot of relationships - heck, a lot of adult life - requires you to not pursue every single fun, good-feeling thing.

While this isn’t exactly a core aspect of my identity, I frequently have feelings that make me want to skip work and lounge in the pool instead. But I choose not to act on those desires, because even though I want something, it doesn’t mean I want it badly enough to risk something very important to me, like my job and my ability to provide for myself and my family.

Sometimes I encounter a Very Rude Person and want to tell them to fuck right off, but if they are a guest of a friend of mine, I choose instead to be politely avoidant. My point is, it’s possible to have impulses and not act on them, or desires and not pursue them. In my experience, that’s a lot easier than simply trying to shut down the impulses and desires at the root.

I’m afraid it’s not going to end well if you just try to thinkify or therapize yourself out of being polyamorous - but you can manage and work the those feelings for your coworker in a way that prevents them from impacting this relationship that you cherish. You could choose to spend less time talking to said coworker, or try to ‘close the door’ to the part of your mind that sees him as a potential sexual/romantic option. It is okay to let yourself think “I want this, but not bad enough to pay what it costs.”

(Of course, if this becomes impossible and untenable, and not being able to express or live into your polyamorous self leads to misery and resentment, then you need to think about whether suppressing those desires long-term is healthy for you and your relationship or whether you need to make a different set of choices. But that’s not really what you asked.)

Help! I’m about to give up. I have been going on dates with people who already have a ‘primary’ partner and I am single. I just had my fourth experience where I’ve been told I can no longer see them because of their partner. I’ve communicated I don’t want to be treated as less than, but this keeps happening. What should I be asking these people before getting further involved? They swear there is honest and open communication but it seems like there isn’t…

First off, just keep at it. Dating is full of disappointments. Strings of bad luck just happen when you’re dating, sometimes. I had a friend date three women in a row who all broke things off with him after realizing they were gay. It really didn’t have much to do with him, or anything he was doing wrong, it was just a bummer of a coincidence. If one of your mono friends ended up dating four people in a row who all end things because they “have to focus on their career right now,” what would you tell them?

Second, reconsider where you’re meeting all these people. If you’re meeting them all through a similar channel, maybe the poly scene in that social sphere is unhealthy. Since people learn the practices and expectations of relationships from the world around them, polyamorous scenes can definitely take on their own cultural flavor. If there’s just this assumption in the air that primary partners always have veto power, go find dates somewhere outside of that bubble. 

Third, it’s okay to be clear up-front about your polyamorous practice and philosophy. You can say things like “I don’t believe in hierarchical polyamory,” or “I’ve had bad experiences being abandoned for the sake of a ‘primary’ relationship” in an OKC profile or during an early conversation. It’s okay to ask early on what a person’s polyamorous philosophy is like. In fact, I frequently ask people how they interpret and define their polyamory, which polyamorous books or thinkers or blogs they read, etc. Some people recoil at what they see as ‘interview’ or ‘qualifying’ questions early on in dating, but that’s their problem - I need someone who is okay with openness and clarity of expectations on both sides. 

Of course, you could ask all the right questions, and someone could swear to you up, down, left, right, and inside out that they are totally down for non-hierarchical polyamory and will never abandon you to avoid having a hard conversation with another partner and don’t believe in veto powers, and they could still be lying to you, or they could be telling the truth at the time and then change their mind later. There’s no guaranteed way to protect yourself from disappointment in dating brought on by other people’s frustrating choices. Just be your best self and keep on keeping on!

Ok,b been married 23 years. Husband got into a little fantasy play, now has decided that he wants more than one wife. I’m totally against this. It was ok I’m fantasy land, but not for reals. Our once wonderful sex life is all but gone, I mean I get a pity session every now and then but nothing like before. I love him, & don’t want to give up on him, but everything is about how much he wants to fuck someone else. I can’t just walk away from 23 years, kids, grandkids ETC. Help???

Have you told him that you don’t appreciate the “pity sessions” and would like to get back to having a sex life together that isn’t about him withholding himself from you to try and coerce permission to sleep with someone else? Is he willing to try and find a compromise there? Have you two tried to bring the ‘spark’ back without making the step into non-monogamy? Something like watching porn together that fulfills that fantasy, writing erotica back and forth about that fantasy, trying something new in the bedroom that is a fantasy you both share but isn’t related to this specific thing, etc.?

Have you talked with him about what his fantasy is actually about? There may be a way for him to scratch this itch in a less extreme way. There is also a big difference between “wanting more than one wife” and “wanting to fuck someone else.” What is your hard limit? Do you simply not want him to sleep with anyone else, or are you turned off by the intensity of the fantasy? Would you be okay with him having a discreet, don’t-ask-don’t-tell affair, but not with a full blown “other wife,” or is it the sexual infidelity that’s the dealbreaker for you? Would you be willing to try a threesome with him? 

Ultimately, though, your husband refuses to be present to your sexual and relational needs unless you let him sleep with someone else, and you refuse to let him sleep with someone else, you may be at an impasse. “I won’t stay with him if he’s going to act like this” and “I won’t leave him” are not positions you can hold simultaneously - at some point, you’ll need to decide what the best choice is for you, since you can’t change his behavior, but you can control yours.

What do I do when me and a partner break up but my main partner still wants to date them?

That really depends on the specifics of the situation. If all three of you were in a triad, where there’s a single central relationship that bonds you three, then it sounds like that bond has been broken.

But, if you’re in a situation where the dating relationships look like: Adam&Ben, Adam&Carl, and Ben&Carl, then if Adam&Ben break up, then Adam&Carl and Ben&Carl can still continue to date. If Adam & Carl & Ben frequently hang out as a unit of three, that dynamic will necessarily change after a breakup, but the pair relationships don’t need to be all mutually reliant.

Of course, that assumes that the breakup between Adam&Ben was mutual and gentle. If there is drama such that Carl is put off by Adam’s behavior during the breakup, Carl and Adam’s relationship will be affected. 

It really depends on your situation. If you and someone broke up, but your other partner still wants to date that person, that might be totally sustainable with some time to cool down and some re-drawn boundaries. If you feel really uncomfortable with it, let your partner know, and talk to them about how to proceed.

On the one hand, it can feel unfair if someone’s relationship is impacted by an interpersonal situation between two other people that they have no part of or control over. On the other hand, some arrangements are just unsustainable, and if your partner decides that they no longer want to date your ex because they are your ex, that’s your partner’s prerogative. 

I have two partners: my husband and my FWB. I am very attracted to both, I climax much more quickly and with much less stimuli with my FWB. There’s nothing they do differently; I just react more. My concern is when talking about my experiences with my FWB with my husband, that he will become aware of the difference and feel discouraged/unattractive/like a bad lover. Might this difference just be New Relationship energy at work? Should I downplay this ease of orgasm when talking with my husband?

It might just be NRE at work. It could be that he has some little technique that he does differently that you don’t notice. It could be that the size, shape, angle, and/or texture of his fingers or other fun bits matches up with yours in just the right way. If you honestly can’t figure out what causes the difference, it’s fine to just chalk it up to the mysteries of the universe or the rich tapestry of life. (If you can figure out the difference, it’s okay to gently request or suggest to your husband that he try some things differently!)

Now, I don’t want to be someone who recommends that you lie by omission - but I’m not sure you need to tell your husband about this specific difference. I think there is a difference between deliberately misrepresenting something because you don’t want to deal with someone’s emotional response to it, and just not saying something that’s unnecessary and won’t make anyone feel good. There’s dishonesty, and there’s tact, is what I am saying.

If one of my partners took me out to an Italian place, and the next week another partner took me to another, less amazing Italian place, I probably wouldn’t say “you know, the place Quandon picked was a lot tastier than this,” because not everything that is true needs to be said. Next time the subject of picking a restaurant came up, I might recommend the other one, but without needing to say “it’s the one Branston took me to, and it’s way better.” That my partner took me out on a date and picked a place that serves my favorite type of food is a situation that doesn’t need to be critiqued, even if it’s imperfect.

If there was something seriously wrong with the food, or if we got there and I really hated the place he’d picked, of course I’d say something. A major project in most people’s lives is finding that sweet spot between “doormat” and “jerk.” But if the sex with your husband is fun, and he makes you come, even if he doesn’t do it with the laser precision of an android specifically and individually designed to pleasure you, it might not merit comment. 

So unless you two have an agreement that requires a blow-by-blow of every sexual encounter, it’s probably not relevant. And even if you do talk about sex, unless you give specific timestamps of everyone’s actions and orgasms, this difference is probably not going to be super clear. It’s fun to talk about sex, sure, but you can mention something fun or interesting without going “oh, and also, he totally brings me to orgasm way easier than you!” If he asks, don’t lie, but there’s no real need to make that detail a part of the conversation. 

I’m dating a guy who lives quite a few states away from me (we’re both in the US), and he’s dating…I believe three other people currently. I’m not sure at this point, to be honest with you. Lately it seems he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. He ignored my birthday or simply forgot, and we just don’t talk much anymore. I feel like maybe I should end my romantic relationship with him and just be friends, but it’s hard. I don’t want to hurt him since another one of his SOs just broke up w/him.

I’m probably biased because this is the exact reason I broke up with my long-distance boyfriend of 6 years, and even though it sucked, it was ultimately the right choice for me.

End this relationship, friend. He’s not meeting your needs, and the only reason you gave for not wanting to end it is something that has nothing to do with you.

You could always try one last stand: letting him know that him neglecting your birthday really bothered you, and asking him to commit to spending more time and energy making the long-distance thing work. But be prepared for him to refuse, or to make the promise and then not keep it. And if you’re already at the point where you want to leave, just leave. 

i’ve been in a relationship for about 8 months now. my partner is occasionally suicidal and is not very good at regulating their emotions and dealing with negativity. they are not clinically diagnosed with anything because their family is averse to the idea of it. For a few months now i’ve been spending a lot (like 60-70%) of my energy coping with my partner’s distress, be it moodiness and irritation directed at me, or being ignored for a hours at a time, or rebutting unending thoughts of self hatred, and dealing with suicide attempts (twice) late into the night. i feel very drained and tired, but feel as if i cannot leave because of their instability. it is a vicious cycle of me constantly reassuring them that i love them to prevent them from overthinking and becoming insecure about the relationship, making it difficult for me to leave because I keep telling them that I’m not going to. truthfully, i say most of my “i love you"s and "i miss you"s to even it out with how much they say it to me. i am at a loss and don’t know what to do. I feel an immense loss of self esteem, emotional regulation, self identity and social interaction with my family and friends i love. the responsibility for their emotional well-being is becoming unbelievably difficult to carry, but i cant bring myself to put it down because of some stupid promises i’ve made.

Let me be the first person to release you from this sense of obligation. You are never, ever required to shoulder the emotional weight for another person’s problems. If a relationship is causing you “an immense loss of self esteem, emotional regulation, self identity and social interaction,” then it is not healthy for you and you need to leave it. It is okay to do what you need, do what’s best for you, even if it will make someone else unhappy. Their mental health is not your responsibility.

Whatever you decide to do, this situation cannot continue. It is not fair to you, and it is not fair to your partner. You are not a mental health professional, and even if you were, it is inappropriate for “mental health support caregiver” and “romantic partner” to be the same person. Suicide attempts are serious, and next time, you need to call 911 instead of trying to handle it on your own. You either need to take serious steps to set new boundaries with this person and help them find healthier sources of help and support. Something needs to change so you can shift your position to “supportive partner” instead of “24/7 crisis counselor.”

That, or you need to leave the relationship. If you want to leave the relationship, you should. You do not deserve to be in a situation where you are draining all of yourself, and you don’t owe anyone your continued presence in an unhealthy relationship, regardless of what you have promised in the past. You may need to enlist friends, adults, or professionals to support you and your partner through the breakup. A breakup will be messy, and painful, and you may feel guilt, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible or that you are not allowed to leave the relationship.

If this person is unable to access mental health services through their family, there are still options for them. You can point them to a crisis hotline or text line. If your partner is in school, speak to a teacher or counselor in a position to help them. You can talk to your own parents and get their help to advocate for your partner as well. You can offer to sit with your partner and help them draft a letter to their parents asking for mental health help, or offer to sit with them and have that conversation in person, or help them strategize about how to get professional help through other avenues. What you cannot - and should not - do is continue to take on all of this yourself. 

Also, since your mental health is being so poorly impacted, you may also benefit from talking to a therapist - talk to your parents, an adult at your school, or someone else who can connect you with services. 

How do you get over the feeling that your relationships are inherently unsustainable? I feel so isolated sometimes that I wonder if dating both my partners is futile bc no one I ever see seems to have the same situation

Can you identify whether there are people, or media, or other influences in your life that are the source of this feeling? What, or who, has implied to you that your relationships are inherently unsustainable? Cut that influence out of your life as soon and as much as possible.

Having any kind of identity, relationship, or lifestyle that you don’t see frequently and positively reflected in the world can feel isolating and alienating. And you’re right, it can be hard to see depictions of other people in similar situations. But they are out there!

The way you “get over that feeling” is by actively seeking out positive, healthy messages and amplifying them in your own life, while at the same time avoiding and challenging negative messages. I give a lot of advice about doing that in this post and this post!

Check my resources here as well and consider joining a polyamorous forum or meetup group to meet other like-minded friends. Here is some information on finding polyamorous representation in media. And if you find that fear, shame, and isolation continue to be serious problems for you, talk to a polyamory-informed mental health professional.

My boyfriend dumped me last week. We had been together for 8 months. He took my virginity. I found out his ex moved back in with him not even a week later. I don’t know how to deal with this, and I don’t know how to let him go. He broke up with me over text and cut me out of his life completely. I can’t seem to do that, I still care. I still care about him. I don’t know how to stop. He keeps posting depressing stuff off his social media, and I feel bad. Why do I care if he doesn’t care about me?

First off, stop looking at his social media. Block him, unfriend him, do what you have to to make that happen.

Being dumped sucks. It hurts. It hurts bad. There’s no way around that. The only way out is through. It’s only been a week, so of course the wound is fresh and unbearable. But time will heal this, I promise.

You don’t need to “know how to stop” caring about him. Feelings are pesky and tricky in that they don’t change form even if you try really hard to change them. You can’t brute-force yourself into feeling better right away. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself be angry. Someone else hurt you. It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel about that.

Take care of yourself. Find distractions. Do what feels good. See a fun movie. Go out with friends. Eat ice cream. Let yourself cry. Pet a dog. Take long showers. Follow a bunch of new tumblrs. Find ways to make it through the days, and slowly this painful episode will fade farther and farther back into the past.

You can do this! It will be okay, I promise.

I’m married to a man and I have a long distance gf. She came to visit me for the first time and it was amazing. My mono husband got along great with her. We’ve talked about him possibly being with others since I’m ace. He insists he doesn’t want to do anything with anyone else. Yesterday while I’m showering he gets on top of her and bites her ear, neck, and thigh. My gf told me because she was happy about it, she started getting interested in him. I had a huge fight with my husband I felt betrayed and cheated on because he didn’t talk to me about it first before doing anything. I need communication. I felt cheated on. Hurt and angry. He said it just happened, that it’s a grey area. He said sorry and felt bad for hurting me. I just kept asking why, and he didn’t know. How do I gain back my trust in him? I wasn’t mad at her, just him. If he had talked to me about it first I would have been ok with it. He thought maybe I would find it hot but he wasn’t gonna tell me until after she left to go back home and that upset me too. He never cries but he cried when he talked because he would never outright hurt me and cheat on me. I feel a little better after talking to him but I’m still hurt. I don’t know how to get over that. I’m not mad at her because she has so much more freedom in her poly relationship than me so she’s used to doing stuff without really having to talk to partners about it. My husband and I agreed to talk to each other when something happens. He wants to know who and what we did. 

Situations like this can feel really complex, but I think this one breaks down pretty simply:

1.) You and your husband have an open relationship 

2.) You and your husband have a rule in your open relationship where you “agreed to talk to each other” about their other partners/dates

3.) Your husband did something with another person without checking in with you before or after

The core issue is that your husband violated a core agreement of your relationship. You feel betrayed by that.

The steps to resolving it are:

1.) Figure out whether you and your husband were on the same page about the agreement. Did he, in good faith, genuinely think he was staying within the terms of your arrangement? Did he think just planning to tell you afterwards, on his own timeline, was totally fine? If so, the issue here is confusion and miscommunication. He did something hurtful, but not intentionally - so while he doesn’t need to apologize or be punished for acting with malice, he should own the consequences of what he did. You two then need to figure out how to clear up misunderstandings about the terms of your relationship going forward.

2.) If it turns out that he did have a sense that he was doing something that would hurt you, you two need to figure out why he did it anyway. Did he think telling you would create an emotional situation he didn’t feel up to managing? What can you two do to create a safer strategy for openness and honesty? Did he just get caught up in the moment and do something impulsive that he now regrets? What can you two do to manage your relationship in a way that makes space for the dynamic weirdness of humans without setting someone up to get hurt?

3.) Figure out what you need to heal from this. He cannot go back in time and undo what he did. So you need to sit down with your emotions and have a chat with them about what you need, in a realistic framing. Do you need a sincere apology? Do you need some time and space? Do you need a specific commitment from him to adhere to a specific, newly-clarified agreement? Figure out what you need, and ask for it.

So I was cheated on and when I confronted him about it he said “I thought you knew”. Of course I broke up with him and it’s staying that way. There’s just one problem. He’s in my club that comes over to my house once every week. I haven’t made a fuss over it or complained about it but I’m emotionally confused about what I’m supposed to do. P.S. he’s my first kiss

It’s very okay to feel emotionally confused when you have to see your ex at your house once a week! There is nothing you are “supposed” to do - besides do what is best and healthiest for you.

If you feel up to it, there is nothing wrong with just keeping a cool distance from him, being polite and civil but focusing your energy on anything or anyone else. It can be a really powerful feeling to know that you are Being The Grownup and Taking The High Road, if that’s how you can frame it. If he tries to use the club meetings to “win you back” or jockey for your attention, tell him once that he needs to give you space, and if he continues, let him know that he’s not welcome at your house anymore.

But you are not obligated to even try being around him! And if this club is small enough or does something emotionally intimate, like discussion groups or improv or anything else that makes it uncomfortable to do with the ex who cheated on you, it might not be feasible.

Since he is the person who let you down and torpedoed the relationship, he should have been gracious enough to offer to bow out of the club. But he didn’t, so, boo on him. You would be well within your rights to ask him, privately, “hey, since we aren’t together anymore, and since our breakup was really painful for me, I think it would be best if you stopped coming to club meetings at my house.”

Now, there’s always the potential that he could decide to blow this up into some drama, try and insist that he has every right to be there, try and get people on his side, etc. The key is that you do not engage. Do not participate in, or escalate, any of the drama. Simply go about your club-hosting duties, don’t gossip or vent to anyone else in the club about him, and let everyone see you being your best self.

You will get over this jerk, I promise! It will be annoying to have to keep seeing him because of this club, but just know your boundaries, set them clearly, and hold others to them. 

Hey, so I’m poly, and I really want to have a poly relationship, but my partner is not comfortable with it. (Well she says she is and then flip flops and we get into huge arguments about it and she accuses me of just wanting to whore around.) I was “closeted” for months because I didn’t want to upset my partner by asking about it but now it’s out in the open and I feel like she doesn’t trust me– and she doesn’t want a poly relationship. What should I do? She doesn’t respect that I’m poly…

You have three basic options:

1.) Stay in this relationship with the understanding that monogamy is a requirement in this relationship, and be willing to make that sacrifice or compromise to stay with your partner. Many relationships do include such sacrifices or compromises, with one partner setting aside a desire that is incompatible with the relationship. 

2.) Leave the relationship, because the required terms of the relationship - monogamy - are not a sacrifice or compromise you can make. Many relationships end when one partner realizes that they simply cannot make the sacrifice or compromise the other one needs, whether that’s a move to a new city, having or not having children, etc.

3.) Continue to stay in the relationship and continue attempting to convince your partner to be open to a polyamorous relationship. I don’t recommend this, nor do I believe it will be effective or enjoyable, but it is a choice that you have. If someone has made it clear that they are not comfortable with something, there is not much you can do to change their mind, but if you are okay tolerating the conflict that this continued conversation creates, you can keep pushing for it. Your partner’s response to this may be to shut down, to escalate the conflict, or to leave the relationship.

You can read my FAQ about this here.

Every time my girlfriend starts seeing a new person she kind of forgets about her other partners, or maybe it’s just me, and I’ve tried to talk about it with her and she gets really upset and tells me I’m just being jealous and possessive which isn’t true. She stop paying attention to me, she talks less, seems uninterested, stops asking me to do things, and talks about the other person a lot. The relationships don’t last long but it still bothers me to be cast aside like that. Idk what to do.

This is a relatively well-known phenomenon in polyamory called New Relationship Energy, or NRE. I am of the belief that NRE is everyone’s responsible - the person experiencing NRE needs to manage it such that they aren’t being totally selfish, and the other partners need to recognize that this is part of the ebb and flow of a polyamorous relationship.

Dating a new person is, for some people, fun and exciting and thrilling in a very specific way. Some people don’t like this newness, because things like figuring out how to flirt and not being sure of the other person’s feelings is stressful and exhausting. Some people see the early-dating games as just things you have to get past to be in a comfortable, secure relationship. But, for other people, it is a pleasure that can be nearly impossible to experience inside a long-term relationship.

I am, personally, something of an NRE thrill-seeker. I like being pursued and pursuing; I like the little butterflies I feel when a new partner answers my text. With my partner of 9 years, I absolutely love and enjoy him, but it isn’t super exciting when he answers my texts, because I know he’s going to. I love short little flings, but I recognize that this is not a thing I can expect all my partners to intuitively understand.

The thing about a new relationship is that it does tend to take more time and focus than an established relationship. Rather than coming over and flopping around on the couch if we have nothing planned, new relationships require dates, which require planning and time. And a new person does occupy a lot of thought-space, daydreaming about them, thinking about when and how to answer their most recent message, etc. This necessarily takes time away from established partners.

So it sounds like what’s happening is that your partner really enjoys NRE, but doesn’t have the language to identify what it is and what’s important to her about it. Since she cherishes this feeling, when you ask her to minimize or drop the focus on new partners, she gets defensive and accuses you of being jealous or possessive, because from her perspective, you’re asking her to stop doing something she really enjoys and does not want to stop.

From your perspective, she is “casting you aside,” but from hers, she is just doing something fun with her time, and it doesn’t have anything to do with how she feels about you. It sounds like there is a lot of room for compromise on both sides. She does not owe you 100% of her time and focus, but she also doesn’t have the right to be dismissive or inconsiderate. When she’s enjoying an NRE-heavy fling with a new partner, perhaps you could make the request that she not talk about them with you, that she not be texting them while with you, etc. Whatever specific behavior she is doing that makes you feel like she’s not interested in you, bring that up.

You may also have to make the compromise of accepting that there will be periods where she’s less available to you - just as there would be if you had a partner who traveled often for work or had a very sick relative that they cared for. It sounds like she returns to you in the end and her affection for you at its core isn’t threatened by these flings, so setting up the expectation that sometimes she enjoys throwing herself into a new relationship and you may need to do more of the date-planning or see less of her for a while could help on your end.

Of course, if you find it really uncomfortable to date someone who is way more NRE-seeking than you and who needs the freedom to enter these periods of lower-availability, you are well within your rights to decide that this relationship isn’t for you. But I’ve found that in the case of NRE-induced friction, putting names to the feelings and clarifying expectations can really help.