Hey, do you have to focus on sex to find a good poly relationship? I would like to start seeing women, but my husband insists that the only way to find someone is to sleep with them. I have sex related PTSD and it takes me a long, long time to be ready for sex. My husband is sure that we can never find anyone because I’m not capable of having endless one night stands to find someone to stay. I feel totally worthless and unlovable and he seems pretty miffed that I can’t just screw strangers.

What!? Of course you can meet people without sleeping with them. The first thing that comes to mind is making an online dating profile where you make it clear that you want to make sure you “click” with someone before hopping into bed. You can also hit it off with someone at a bar, get their number, and text-flirt for as long as you like before touching bits. There are lots of ways to meet people and establish chemistry besides one-night stands. Sure; it’s sometimes easier to flirt really sexually, then “invite them up for drinks,” then go in for the heavy petting, but it is pretty lazy and uncreative thinking to imagine that that’s the only way to find a partner. 

If you two are trying to find women to see together, and your husband insists that he has the best strategy for picking up women, let him do it his own damn self! He can go out and be like hey, I’m married, I’m interested in women, let’s bang, would you be interested in my wife? Or, you two can date together - make an online dating profile, go to poly meetups, join hobbyist groups and communities where your-kind-of-people hang out. Or, you can date on your own; pick up people’s numbers, go dancing, whatever.

It’s a huge problem that your husband is acting in a way that makes you feel “worthless and unlovable,” that he isn’t respecting your totally valid boundaries, or that he’s pressuring you to do something that triggers your PTSD. If this is any kind of pattern with this guy, you may need to reconsider the health of this relationship overall. And if you’re not already seeing a therapist for these feelings and this PTSD, please do yourself a huge favor and do that!

It’s hard for any couple to find a woman to date; if you two are having struggles, it is NOT the result of you setting reasonable boundaries. Your husband is very wrong that his imagined way of finding someone to day is the only way. He should not be blaming you for the fact that you two haven’t found someone to date, or pushing you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. This is definitely a relationship dynamic that needs to be addressed; partly because you deserve to be in a safe and healthy relationship; and partly because it’ll be totally impossible to date a third person while you two are acting like adversaries, not partners, in this project.

I’m married, and I have a friend w/benefits (husband knows, consents and approves). And I’m getting a bit of a crush on this guy. Husband is okay with that. But like… How do poly relationships work in the long term around family? Family dinners? Meeting parents?

Same way any other relationship works! There is no law of physics that dictates that the Thanksgiving turkey will cook unevenly if someone brings two partners to dinner. It could be as simple as “Mom, Dad, I’m bringing my husband and my boyfriend - they are both deeply important part of my lives, and I think you’ll really like my boyfriend!” and then Dad gets to talk double the ears off about his fishing trip, and Mom has to dig out another chair from the garage. 

Your family could, of course, decide to freak out and make it into a huge drama. But that’s their problem. You could decide between your partners that for the sake of family peace, you’ll just take your husband; or go alone; and celebrate with your chosen family at another time. You could decide to set the boundary with your parents that they love and accept you and the people you love, and if they can’t be polite and welcoming, your family will find somewhere else to be.

But there’s no rule that it has to be complicated, or unusual, or difficult. Be upbeat but firm about your boundaries, communicate that this is about love and partnership and shared lives; not some “weird sex thing that you’re shoving in their faces,” and live your best, healthiest lives. You know your parents best; perhaps they’d respond best if you introduced them to your boyfriend one-on-one; or maybe it would be better to have your husband there so they can see that everything is above board. Maybe they have a whole “under my roof” sense of propriety, so the first family dinner should take place at your house.

Do what you gotta do, live your life, and don’t worry too much! Being a poly person in a relationship is basically like being a person in a relationship. No secret behind-the-scenes shenanigans that you have to learn how to navigate. 

hi, me and my partner have been together almost a year. they starting dating another guy last year, and recently we became a triad. but now i’m starting to notice lots of red flags in the way the new guy acts. it took me months and heartbreak to realize it wasn’t just my jealousy clouding my vision: New Guy has possessive and manipulative tendencies. what if they get worse? how do i warn my original partner? what do i do?

In my experience, trying to ‘diagnose’ someone’s personality or say that they have something inherent about them that you can see is nearly guaranteed to invite defensiveness. Who are you to say that “so and so is manipulative”? 

My advice is to focus instead on specific actions and behaviors that made you uncomfortable. “Hey, Gregorella, when I told you that I needed some alone time and you kept knocking on my door to ask if I wanted to share your popcorn or play a board game, that really bothered me - I need to trust that you will hear and believe me when I tell you what I need.” Or, “Hey, Boberta, when Gregorella yelled at you for forgetting to water the plants even though he never texted you the reminder you asked for, that really bothered me, because he was making you the villain and him the victim without taking any responsibility. Have you noticed that too?”

If New Guy and/or your partner agree that the behavior you point out was problematic, then you can strategize together on how to heal and move forward with fewer issues. If they deny the pattern that you’re seeing, then you need to decide whether staying in this triad situation is right for you.

I feel like my partner often refuses to take responsibility for their own actions and place the blame on me for a lot of things and it’s really starting to cause me a lot of mental health issues. I feel like I’m constantly having to apologize and often for things that I did not do or that they turned into something it wasn’t. They never apologize when they hurt or upset me and I end up apologizing for my own emotions and pain. I feel like I can’t voice my thoughts and I often regret when I do.

Those are some textbook red flags of emotional abuse. Even if it’s not to the level of “abuse,” that is manipulative and deeply unfair. This is not a relationship that is healthy for you. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Leave this relationship! And please consider seeing a therapist to help you heal after this.

I need more space time away from a partner who has severe depression/ anxiety; he often wants more of my time/energy than I feel is healthy for me. I’m having trouble maintaining relationships with my friends because much of my time goes to my partners. Sometimes I want more space from all of them. I especially don’t know how to approach this subject with my mentally ill partner. How do you tell someone you don’t want to be there for them when they feel like they need you to be?

It’s okay to set boundaries and make space for yourself, no matter what! My recommendation is to do concrete things to get that space, rather than just ask for it in the abstract.

Make plans with your friends, or for some alone-time, and put them on your calendar. If your partner asks you to get together or be on the phone with them during that time, say, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that - I have other plans.” You always have the right to set your own schedule! You can suggest sharing your Google calendar with him, so he can see whether you’ll be free; or asking for hangouts to be planned in advance, or whatever works for you. If your partner throws a fit, tries to guilt or manipulate you into leaving your plans for him, or otherwise doesn’t respect your very reasonable boundaries, that is a serious red flag that the relationship isn’t healthy for you. 

Does your partner have a therapist or other support system? Try talking to them about making a plan to get support from someone other than you. You can say, “It feels like lately you’ve needed a lot of support from me, especially when it comes to your depression and anxiety. I care about you and want to be there for you, but I’m not a professional, and I don’t want you to just be stuck suffering if I can’t be there for you. Let’s brainstorm some strategies for how you can get support in different ways that don’t rely on my availability.” That could be identifying some other people he can talk to; or having you write him some affirmations he can read over any time he wants; or him setting up some self-soothing techniques like taking a long shower, coloring, etc. 

If asking for specific things doesn’t work, then try having an honest conversation about how much emotional labor you’re doing, and how much you’re willing to do, and concrete steps you and your partners need to take in order to get the space you need. No relationship should make you feel exhausted or weighed down; you are never responsible for another person’s mental health; and you always deserve to have time for yourself and your friends!

i get upset easily with my boyfriend of 2 years over issues such as him making excuses not to call me & i worry really easily because he used to talk to lots of girls when we first got together (doesn’t anymore), i get mad easily and sometimes say mean things to him or about our relationship e.g ‘we are better apart’ & whenever i say this, he tells me it hurts and he’s not good enough for me, and i’ve noticed that he is beginning to like girls photos & one girl in particular i don’t like.

You need to get this behavior, and whatever feelings are driving it, in check, and fast. 

When you say he is “making excuses not to call you,” either he has legitimate reasons not to call you - life stuff comes up! - and you need to figure out a way to develop more compatible schedules or expectations. Or, he really is making excuses not to talk to you, which means he finds talking with you somehow unpleasant or scary, and is trying to avoid it. That is not how you want your partner to feel! Either way, change needs to happen.

You know that this is your problem - you say twice that you “get upset easily” and “get mad easily.” It doesn’t sound like you’re dating someone with an awful pattern of upsetting and angering you; it sounds like you have an emotional hair-trigger that causes you to over-react to situations. And that makes you treat your partner in ways that aren’t okay. You’re making him feel hurt and like he’s not good enough - is that how you want your partner to feel? If yes, leave him - something is deeply wrong with that dynamic. If not, stop doing and saying the things that make him feel that way.

If you truly believe that you are better apart, if you don’t like how he responds to you asking for a phone call, if you find yourself consistently acting in a way that hurts him - perhaps you two are better off apart. A relationship where you find it easy to get into a headspace where you act out of anger and a desire to make your partner feel bad is not a healthy relationship. Consider asking your partner what he wants. Does he want to stay with you? Does he want some things to change? Consider working with a therapist or self-help guides to identify the root of your frequent anger and sadness. What is making you feel so threatened that you lash out, and how can you alleviate that threat in a healthier way?

So my Significant Other’s partners are like these wonderful super amazing people and I feel inadequate in comparison. What advice do you have…

When I cook a beautiful, veggie-packed, colorful, well-plated meal (with gluten free and vegan options!) and have it with my friends, I post it to Instagram.

When I neglect to feed myself and end up having half a bag of Doritos and a spoonful of peanut butter at 8pm while watching an episode of Brooklyn-99 that I’ve already seen…I do not Instagram that.

We see other people’s highlight reels, but our own behind-the-scenes. It’s not fair to compare everything you know about yourself to what other people choose to share!

Or, you could think of it another way, as an issue of trust: do you trust your significant other? Do you trust them to make wise choices? If you trust your significant other to do what’s best for them, and they’ve chosen to be with you, then you’ve gotta trust that they’re making a strong choice!

Doubting your value to someone who believes that you are valuable means you’re doubting them - don’t deny your significant other their agency or insist that you know them better than they know themselves. If they want to be with you, then they want to be with you!

If there is something your significant other could do, or stop doing, to help you work through these feelings, please talk to them about it! It’s okay to tell your partner that you’re feeling a bit inadequate and need some reassurance. Sometimes hearing from other people what they see in you can help you reframe things!

If this is a feeling you struggle with in other areas of your life, or that is crippling or paralyzing in ways that affect your happiness and daily life, please consider working with a therapist on these feelings of inadequacy and comparing yourself to other people.

My boyfriend and I got into an argument earlier in the week because if I saw him liking girls pictures (supermodels asses) So I spoke to him and told him I didn’t like it, and that it was disrespectful to the relationship and just made me feel quite insecure.. He apologized and we talked about it, explaining how it can be avoided, and worked through things. So later on, days passed and I decided to look. So when I looked on his account (tumblr) he had dms sent to girls, saying that they were beautiful and/or they had a pretty smile. So I got upset and started yelling at him and crying because I felt like this was a type of cheating.. and so we talked about it, he told me why he did it or at the time he did it. And he says that it’s his dark mindset he’s in right now - he feels like he’s losing himself and he can’t control his life ATM. So I took that all into consideration and I didn’t forgive him, but I said maybe we could work through it. But I feel like I’m naive for letting him back so quick - I mean I didn’t let him back, but the way my friends are saying it sounds like I’m this love sick puppy or something. Like I do know it’s wrong, and I wouldn’t put myself through this, but I don’t feel like I made the wrong decision, if that makes sense - but at the same time I don’t want him to think I’ll let it slide…I don’t know what to do :( Any advice?

It’s up to you, and only you, to decide what’s best for you - if you want to stay with this guy, you have the personal agency to make that choice. That said, it sounds like this relationship is in a pretty rough place. If you’re interested in salvaging it, I think you need to get really specific and goal oriented, identifying the problems and ways to address them, rather than just rolling with this mess of emotions and unmet needs. Here’s my analysis - you’re free to interpret it any way you’d like:

Problem One: Your partner is doing things online that you feel qualify as cheating

You two need to seriously talk about this and figure out where you can align your values on this. Is it just that he’s looking at supermodels’ photos? Or is it that he’s interacting with them by liking and messaging them? How does he see it - does he see it as just consuming content, or does he feel kind of cheater-y about it? Going forward, what do you two agree is the best way for him to enjoy this type of content?

Problem Two: You have a low enough level of trust in your partner that you’re looking at his online accounts

If this is a thing you two do in your relationship, if this is the level of openness you two have agreed to, then that’s fine. If not, then you need to identify where the trust breakdown happened and immediately take steps to address it. This might mean you need to apologize for violating his privacy, even though what you found when you did means he’s also in a position to apologize for something as well.

Problem Three: Your partner seems to have made a commitment to you to stop doing something, and then kept on doing it secretly

I think it’s important to separate the thing he was doing and the fact that he was lying and hiding it from you. If he felt that your request for him to stop was unreasonable, it wasn’t okay for him to pretend to agree with you and say that he would stop, and then just do it behind your back. That speaks to him not taking you and your feelings seriously and thinking that he is so right that he can just ignore what you’re saying while pretending to humor you. This is an issue of respect more than trust, and you need to address this.

Problem Four: Your partner is refusing to take responsibility for his behavior, making himself the victim of a “dark mindset” and claiming that he “can’t control” his choices

This, to me, is a glaring red flag sort of hidden in a story that, on the surface, is about him liking and messaging supermodels, but really, is about your partner being accountable for his choices and the way they affect you. If you confront your partner about something they did that hurt you, and they insist that they couldn’t help it - that’s a major problem. Either he’s being manipulative and refusing to take responsibility; or he’s really in such a dark place that he has lost control of his life. Both are deep, serious problems that need to be addressed immediately.

You two need to work together to make a plan for how he can get out of this position where he feels he isn’t in control and is making choices he doesn’t want to. What has brought about this dark mindset? Perhaps he needs to see a doctor or a therapist. Perhaps he needs to take decisive action to relieve a source of major, destructive stress: a job or career change, a medical issue addressed, a financial or court-related problem solved with the help of a professional, a living situation adjustment, etc.

If he isn’t interested in working with you to identify and resolve the source of this dark mindset, that’s a problem. He can’t continue to insist that when he does things that hurt you, he’s also a victim, he also doesn’t want to do them, you two are trapped together in this cycle of bad choices and apologies, and not work toward a solution. That’s emotionally toxic and manipulative. If this is a pattern with this person, get out.

Problem Five: You haven’t forgiven your partner, but want to stay together - there’s a balancing act of “what you did isn’t okay, and I need you to understand that, but I’m not clear on how I’m communicating that besides just staying mad.”

There is a lot of space in between “this is a dealbreaker and I am leaving you over this” and “this is no big deal, whatever” - but you need to be intentional about being in that in-between space. The goal should be some kind of resolution. Simply staying mad indefinitely will lead to simmering resentment, passive-aggression, and acting out of a desire to “punish” your partner for his transgressions.

Find a way to be clear and communicative about your anger - “this wasn’t okay, and I’m still hurt, but since we’re not going to break up over this, let’s figure out how to work through it.” Maybe you just need some time, maybe you need a sincere apology with a strategy for avoiding the same problem again, maybe you need him to help you feel heard and understood about what bothered you. Figure out what you need and then ask for it.

Problem Five Point Five: Your friends don’t seem to like this guy

I said at the top that you, and only you, get to make your decisions. And that’s true. And there are cases when someone’s partner is lovely and their friends don’t like them for bogus reasons. However. A lot of times, your friends have a more well-rounded view than you and can see patterns you’re ignoring. If your friends think you’re giving your partner too many chances or making too many excuses for them or letting them get away with things that impact you negatively, they might be right. Consider talking to someone you trust about this relationship situation - not just the supermodel pics, but how good this guy is for you overall - and taking what they say into consideration.

hey, so I’m in love with this guy he’s really amazing and sweet, but I’m also crushing on someone else? I don’t want to cheat or anything and I don’t want to leave him for the other guy, like I’d be so happy if we could all just be together and make each other happy but I know he’d get too jealous, what should I do?

First off, I feel obligated to mention that it’s not usually a good idea to make big actions and choices based on what you “know” another person would feel - it’s usually best to check in with them! You never know!

But if you’ve concluded based on all the evidence and all the conversation that this relationship is monogamous, that your partner is monogamous, that you don’t want to cheat or leave your current partner, you might be in a position very familiar to monogamous people: you like someone else; in a perfect magical wish-granting world you’d be able to be with both of them, but it’s not on the table.

We all want things we can’t have - I want a huge house near my friends that costs less in rent than a Netflix subscription; I also want a new president and a kitten, but none of those are going to happen for a variety of frustrating but very real reasons. Sometimes, you have feelings of desire bubble up that you can’t indulge, and part of growing up and having healthy relationships, polyamorous or monogamous, is learning how to set those desires aside and resist acting on them.

Many monogamous people feel desire for people they’re not with; that doesn’t always mean they can or should be polyamorous. It sounds like you’ve made a clear choice: you’d never cheat, and you don’t want to leave your current partner. If you feel that opening the relationship is off the table, then the natural consequences of those choices is that you have to set this desire aside somehow. Maybe that means seeing your crush less; maybe it means identifying what’s drawing you to the crush and using that awareness to re-invigorate something about your current relationship.

If, after working through these choices and their consequences, you realize that you really do want to be in a polyamorous relationship, then you’ll have to talk to your current partner and work that out. If he absolutely doesn’t want that, then you’ll have to decide whether to stay with him monogamously or leave to pursue polyamory. 

I think I need my faith in polyamory restored. I broke up with my first boyfriend about a week ago, and we were in a poly relationship (him with his fiance who has other partners, me with just him while looking for more). I realized towards the end that he was using poly mostly as an excuse to get girls, and friends have pointed out that he was starting to mentally abuse me. He lied to me and everyone else about how his relationships work. I’m scared to date again…

Shitty people can be polyamorous.

Polyamorous people can be shitty.

Polyamorous people can lie, cheat, steal, neglect to use their turn signal, and do all manner of shitty things.

So can monogamous people!

Lots and lots of monogamous relationships end in tears, anger, drama, betrayal, and lies. Plenty of polyamorous relationships do as well.

Lots and lots of people use monogamy as an excuse to be possessive, controlling, abusive, manipulative, or just generally annoying.

I am really sorry to hear that you had a bad experience with someone using pseudo-polyamory as an excuse to hurt you. But that doesn’t mean polyamory is bad; just like a monogamous person hurting their partner doesn’t make monogamy inherently bad.

It is okay to take a break from dating. It is okay to find some time to nurse your wounds, heal, maybe see a therapist, think through your needs and expectations for your next relationship, identify red flags you’ll be once-bitten-twice-shy about in the future.

It is even okay to decide that dating polyamorously isn’t for you; or that dating men isn’t for you; or that dating right now isn’t for you; or whatever you need to decide for your own health and safety.

But don’t let one shitty person ruin future positive opportunities for you! No one has the power to take away your ability to be happy in other relationships. No one individual’s terrible choices get to set the tone and expectations for you in the future. One person did a bunch of shitty things. Be angry at them individually - don’t let them rob you of the ability to step into new things that have the potential to be healthy, joyful, and fulfilling. 

I recently started to date a couple. I made it clear I wasn’t going to be a sex toy. I have fun with them. They want a relationship with me. I only talk to them in group texts or see them together. Is this sustainable long term? When do I ask them if this is what they want the situation to always be? Can they know after four dates? Also I am not dating anyone else. But if I can’t have separate relationships with them I think I need to still date others. How do I tell them this? (New to poly)

You tell them this by telling them this! Give them a chance to clear this up and set expectations going forward. Only honest, open communication can resolve issues like this, which come from assumptions and ambiguity.

Next time you’re together, in a calm way, say something like “Hey, Bob and Linda, I realize that the dating pattern we’ve fallen into looks like me dating you two as a “unit,” and I only ever interact with you as a couple. Is that a purposeful choice?” Find out whether they’re interested in developing one-on-one relationships with you, either romantically or just as friends. If they are open to that, talk about next steps.

If they are not open to that, talk with them about your needs and expectations going forward. “I just want to make sure that you two are aware that I consider myself in an open relationship as well, and will be pursuing other dating relationships.” If they’re not okay with that - if they want you to date them as a couple, but exclusively, then your needs are incompatible. That’s okay! The point of dating is to figure out what you want and who can provide that for you. 

I’ve only just realized that I’m polyamorous and I’m looking around and people keep mentioning “paramour” and “metamour” and then also calling a different person just their partner, what do the first two terms mean? are there more terms?

My terminology tag

List of polyamory glossaries

My FAQ page with polyamory resources

I think that maybe possibly I might be polyamorous? Monogamy has always been a struggle for me, I always find my eyes wandering and I have to force myself back. And I think I might be poly but I don’t wanna say anything until I’m sure and I know very little about the poly community and I just…HELP lol

My FAQ page where you can learn more about polyamory

My FAQ page about figuring out whether you’re polyamorous

I have been dating this guy since august and I’m so in love with him. But the problem is we are going off to college, and I can either stay at a good college and figure out how to make it work with him, or I can go to NYU (which I’m not sure I even like I just know it will let me have a great career) and leave him behind completely. But he makes me so happy and happiness is the greatest thing in life and all a good career can get me is money, and money isn’t worth throwing away happiness. Idk?

I think you’ve set up a false dichotomy between “money” and “happiness,” and you may be setting up an over-simplified prediction about what each choice will lead to. Your college doesn’t guarantee anything about your career, and your career doesn’t guarantee anything about your financial security - it’s not as simple as the formula you’ve laid out where “stay with boyfriend = relationship = happiness” vs. “go to NYU = career = money.”

Don’t limit your college choices based on a boy. Consider all the factors. You need to figure out whether going to NYU is something you really want, independent of the situation with the person you’re dating or your projections for your post-college future. Think about the experience at college that you’ll have if you stay close to home vs. go to NYU. Are there professors there you’re really excited to work with? Is there a program you would gain a lot from? Does the social and cultural climate there seem like a good fit for you? Would you end up with significantly more debt?

Many, many people don’t remain with their high school sweethearts and still find happiness. Also, you can “figure out how to make it work with him” even from NYU. I went to college far, far away from my high school love; and we ended up breaking up, but we got back together and now we live together. A lot of people leave their high school partners and meet new people in college, and that’s okay too. You might go off to NYU, realize you’re not happy there and part of the reason is that you’d prefer to be closer to your partner, and transfer back closer to him - but at least you checked it out and you made an informed decision. You might end up deciding to go to a school closer to home because it turns out to be the best choice for you academically and socially and financially, but break up with this guy early on for unrelated reasons. Who knows! Not me! Not you! Your future is yours to make - be sure you’re considering all aspects of your life, not just your romantic partnership.

Hi, I think I’m questioning if I’m poly? I’m bi, and really into this girl who is poly and married. A friend of mine pointed out that I’d be dating both *she thinks* not just the girl, and I’m not against the idea? I’m just wondering if you have any ideas for advice or help? This is the first time I’ve thought about it before.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot of questions that are mainly based on assumptions - a friend of yours thinks that this polyamorous couple dates as a couple instead of dating individually; but you haven’t actually talked to the woman you like about what dating her would mean. So be careful of falling into thought spirals that you maybe don’t need to go down!

It’s okay to think about whether you’d be interested in dating polyamorously, and if so, what specific flavors of polyamory appeal to you. Maybe you’d be okay dating someone who is already dating other people! Maybe you’d be okay dating a couple! Maybe you’d be okay with either! Maybe neither! Your best bet is to sit and think about that. What’s your best case scenario? Worst case? How do you think about relationships? What are your fears? Your needs?

Then, talk with this person you’re interested in. Ask her genuine questions: if someone likes you and you are into them, what are the first steps you take? Do you clear it with your partner? Do you expect that someone you date is also involved with your partner? You can have these conversations in the general case without confessing your own interest in her; or you can bring it up in that context if it makes more sense. 

Finally, here’s my FAQ page about this!

I am on Mastodon! You can find me as polyamoryadvice over there!

I am Polyamorous and in an open relationship. I really care about him, but I feel as if I express that I am poly, out relationship my suffer. Our relationship already isn’t in the best condition, since he used to be with other people before we became open, and he no longer seems to care about me. He constantly avoids me and doesn’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Let’s break this down:

-You feel that your relationship will suffer if you try to talk to your partner about something important

-Your relationship “isn’t in the best condition”

-Your partner “no longer seems to care” about you

-Your partner “constantly avoids” you

-Your partner “doesn’t talk to you”

My advice: leave this relationship. You can really care about someone and not be able to have a healthy relationship with them. This isn’t about being polyamorous vs being open; this is about a relationship that simply isn’t working. 

I’ve recently been writing a book which surrounds an LGBT+ group going through what is essentially a magical combat school, so I wanted to have some poly characters there as well! But I’m not poly myself, so I’m worried I’m going to get it all wrong. I was going to have three characters that were all together (a triad?), two boys and a girl. Do you have any advice I should keep in mind while writing them? Should I be doing this at all? Thank you!!

That sounds like such a fun book! I definitely think it is okay, even awesome, for people to write about characters who are different from themselves - as long as it’s done sensitively and realistically! I think “please don’t write about XYZ type of people in a stereotyped, offensive, or damaging way” is a far cry from “please don’t write about XYZ type of people unless you are one.” 

One thing to keep in mind is that polyamorous people are just like other people - we react to things pretty much the same way as anyone else, so for the majority of situations that might come up during school or magical combat, there won’t be much of a difference. All the same rules of writing well-rounded, interesting characters still apply. Go ahead and let each of these characters be their unique selves, with identities, interests, and inner lives that aren’t solely defined by their polyamory.

You can always poke around the resources here to get a sense for what’s out there in the realm of polyamorous experience and identity.

When it comes to your fictional triad, think through their specific arrangement: are they all dating each other, or is it three separate inter-linked couples? How do they settle tension or conflict? How do they present their relationship to other people? What do they like to do together? Are they polyfidelitous or do any of the individuals involved date or sleep with other people? How does each individual identify in terms of sexuality and gender expression? Are they pretty insular or relatively independent?

Since your book isn’t a romance that revolves around the formation and maintenance of this triad, you can probably rely on doing situation-specific research for anything that comes up in the natural progression of your story that you have questions about. First, try relying on your own imagination and sense for these characters; then, if you’re struggling to conceptualize how a polyamorous triad might respond to something specific, feel free to kick that question to a polyamory-focused forum or back to this blog!

And when you finish, let me know! If my inbox is any indication, people are hungry for polyamorous and polyamory-positive fiction and media.

Have you ever heard of a person forming a polyfidelitous relationship with their childhood/long-time friends?

Try asking yourself: why does it matter whether I’ve heard of this situation? I’m just one person! Lots of things happen in the world every day that I’m not present to. 

Deep love between lifelong friends is very common and well documented. I can’t point you to a specific memoir or anecdote from my life that covers this this exact situation, but again, it really doesn’t matter whether my experience encompasses something.

If this is a situation you’re exploring and you are looking for advice or mentorship from people who’ve walked this road before, try checking out other polyamorous resources and communities. I’m pretty sure most of the advice out there about polyamory applies to this situation. If you have a specific situation you want advice about that’s unique to a polyfidelitous relationship formed by childhood or long-time friends, send that specific question in! If you just want validation that it’s a thing that has happened and can happened, don’t worry about it.

I am hopelessly in love with my boyfriend. I feel like the luckiest girl alive and he makes me so incredibly happy. But….I’m always the one to kiss him first or to hold his hand. I suppose I feel like he doesn’t want me as much. He’s generally a confident person and very confident when we get to kissing. But he never initiates. Is there something I could do?

Yes, there is something you could do: talk to him! Say “hey, I know it might seem like a small thing to you, but I’m always the one who initiates contact. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, or if there’s a reason for it, but it would make me happy if you went in for a kiss or took my hand sometimes.”

Maybe he really just hasn’t noticed the discrepancy; maybe he just figures you’ll hold his hand when you want to; maybe he has been socialized to always let his partner initiate contact; maybe he has a lower drive for physical intimacy than you do; it could be anything! Bring it up in a gentle, casual way, and see what he says.

If it helps, you two could take a “Love Languages” quiz together. Maybe physical contact just isn’t a primary way he communicates affection - and maybe there’s something he does for you that you don’t realize you’re not reciprocating evenly. Finding a way to talk about that, recognize that it doesn’t mean you love less, just differently, and learning how to communicate in each other’s love languages can really help.

Can you please explain polycule and metamour to me from your last ask?

A polycule is a polyamorous network; think like a chemistry diagram of a molecule where a bunch of little circles are connected in various configurations. It’s a group of people who are all connected in some way by various relationships.

A metamour is a partner of a partner. So if I’m dating Leslie, and Leslie is dating Ben, then Ben is my metamour.

But - good news - you don’t need to wait for me to explain things to you! My FAQ page includes lots of resources and links with things like glossaries and term lists. I also have a specific post with lists of glossaries and indexes for poly-specific terms.

Before you send me a question, it’s always good to check the FAQ and search my blog’s tags! That may keep you from having to wait for a while or never get your question posted, since I don’t answer everything I get, especially if it’s something I’ve already covered. You can also try Googling specific terms or concepts, since there are a lot of great polyamorous resources out there besides my blog.