Hi!! First of all, want to say thanks so much for all the advice here. I’m kind of new to Poly Life (and love) but I’m a little uncertain. I’ve been friends with these two for a year and the better half of a year and we’re all dating now. They’re in Europe and I’m in America… I can’t see them until July and I can’t even tell anyone but my best friend that I love them. Any tips on how to keep communication flowing?

Group chat! I cannot speak highly enough of a group chat. Find a service that works for you - Google Hangouts, Facebook chat, Slack (which lets you do all sorts of fancy things), whatever. Keep that group dynamic going!

Shared experiences are crucial, so find ways to share things: run a tumblr together and post things you want to share with each other. Or have an email chain going where you send link sot articles you find interesting and share your thoughts on them. Watch a TV show together by watching the same episode at the same time each week and discuss it. Give yourselves something to talk about!

And make sure you stay up to date on each other’s lives so you don’t end up with info-dump catch-up sessions. Send photos of little things from your day. Have an image in your head of where they are when they’re chatting you from work or home. Keep track of the names of their friends and coworkers, so when they tell you a story, you can follow it - and keep them abreast of your life in the same way.

Long distance relationships can be rough, but you can do it! (I’ve spent almost all of my dating life in at least one LDR.) Identify what you need and make sure you get it, and identify what they need and make sure you give it! Good luck!

hi there! sorry for anon, just wondering: i’m new to identifying as potentially-poly. Thing is i’m not (right now) totally comfortable with the idea of being with someone who is with someone else, i’m more about trios and a multi-person relationship, rather than multiple couples. I’d just like to know, is there a word for that…?

To my knowledge, there is not a specific identity label for someone who wants to date polyamorously, but only in closed relationships. What you are wanting is to be part of a triad, a quad, or a “closed poly relationship” or “closed polycule.”

You can just identify as poly and explain your caveats to people you want to date. If you are hoping to be wrapped into an existing couple to turn it into a triad, you can identify as a unicorn, but be prepared to be inundated with people trying to “add you” to their relationship and know what your dealbreakers and red flags are up front. But if you’re more interested in forming a triad/quad/etc. from scratch rather than “joining” an existing relationship, that’s not being a unicorn - I don’t think there’s a word for that.

If you come up with one, send it in to me and I will do my best to spread it! Until then, it’s OK not to have a specific word as long as you have other strategies to help you communicate, to yourself and other people, what you’re all about!

Hi, I’m so upset and sad and scared. The long and short of it is, I’m scared being secondary with this guy I’m in love with will hurt. We’re in love and he says he loves us (his gf and I) equally, but i have to be secondary to protect their relationship. I don’t know how to be okay with secondary. I just want him, that’s all I’ve wanted for a really long time and I’m not sure what to do.

Do not enter this relationship. If you already feel upset and sad and scared about the prospect of being in a relationship on these terms, don’t do it. Never date someone on terms that would make you feel hurt. Never make a compromise on this level. Your emotional well-being is not worth being with him. You cannot date this guy - your terms are dating “just him,” and he cannot date you on those terms. He is undateable.

Sometimes, we really want to date people, but other circumstances prevent us from being able to: they don’t want to date us, they are moving away, they require dating on terms that won’t work for us. Situations like that hurt, and it’s very tempting to make a compromise to get what we want, but it will not work out. Listen to the signals your emotions are sending you - this will not be a healthy arrangement for you. Reality is not aligned in such a way that you can get what you want. It sucks, but it’s something to grieve, not solve. Mourn the fact that it didn’t work out, eat a bunch of ice cream, and try to move on. 

I told my bf something his wife had told me a while back about the reason she stays with him and now he’s really hurt and crushed and I feel really guilty for ever telling him and he keeps going on and on about how he wanted to be with her forever and stuff and I feel really conflicted because earlier before I had told him I wanted to marry him and he said he wanted to marry me too and now I feel stupid for saying that and I regret saying either thing. I just feel like an idiot.

There isn’t really a question here - but it sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into a spot of drama. In general, telling someone a thing that someone else told you is a good way to start drama, even if telling them was the right thing to do. Sometimes, drama is unavoidable. Sometimes it’s an inevitable consequence of doing something you needed to do. Other times, it’s entirely avoidable and the consequence of someone making a bad call.

No one mistake defines a person - you can be someone who didn’t use great judgment at one point in your past, and that just makes you human. Exactly nobody is their best self 100% of the time. So maybe you messed up and created a messy situation - do your best to fix it, apologize to who you need to apologize to, figure out how to prevent it from happening again. Say you didn’t mess up and you feel your bf did genuinely need to know what his wife said - stick to your principles but don’t do anything further to escalate the situation.

Remember that drama, hurt feelings, fights, etc. are entirely survivable. They feel miserable, and you might feel shame, regret, guilt, anger, frustration, exhaustion, or any other thing - but those will not kill you. You can ride this out. Even if the drama is of Epic Proportions and it ends a relationship, you’ll still live through it. Try to find some humor - will any of this make a good story someday? - or, if there really isn’t anything remotely enjoyable in the drama, look for a lesson to be learned and a way to improve in the future, even if all you learn is “I can feel really, really bad, and still get through it.” 

My ex boyfriend left me because I’m poly and I was trying to figure that out. he took me being poly as him not mattering to me, and it has me terrified that I won’t ever be able to date because every poly relationship I have been in has been unhealthy, and I simply can’t force myself to be mono. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I can’t stand being lonely.

Almost anyone who’s been through a few breakups knows there are situations when we feel that our partner’s reason for leaving is unfair, or inaccurate, or simply not the whole story. That is one of the biggest heartbreaks of a relationship ending, in my experience. Not all breakups are mutual. Which sucks. But it was your partner’s right to walk away from a situation he didn’t want to be part of - let yourself mourn the loss of that relationship without assuming it predicts anything about the future.

As for the fact that every poly relationship you’ve ever been in has been unhealthy: that does not mean poly is unhealthy, or even that poly is necessarily an unhealthy choice for you. What it does mean is that there is a pattern in your past that you want to break. Do some honest introspection about what made these relationships unhealthy: is there something in how you conduct your relationships that needs attention and healing? Is there something about the type of person or relationship you’re drawn to that needs some reigning in from your more responsible side? Or have you just had a few instances of bad luck, and the solution is to just get back on that horse?

Do some self-work - that might be therapy, journaling, reading up on healthy communication and healthy polyamory - and be intentional and responsible in your pursuit of future relationships. Know what your dealbreakers and red flags are, and do not compromise on them. Go out of your way to date people who have a history of healthy polyamory - try poly meetups, ask on first dates if they’ve read your poly manual of choice, try online dating and chat about poly philosophy before meeting up. 

Finally, there is a big difference between being lonely and not being in a relationship. Do not let your sense that you “can’t stand” being without a relationship rush you into something - that might be part of the pattern of you ending up in unhealthy situations. Cultivate community and friendships outside of your romantic life. If sexuality and touch loneliness are a sticking point for you, hop on Tinder and have some one-night-stands, invest in an awesome sex toy, or see if your area has erotic parties that sound fun. Go out for happy hour with coworkers, join some online forums - get out there and make connections without worrying so much about dating!

I’ve been in a poly relationship with two people for just over a month, but I’m beginning to feel like I’m only attracted to one of them. Every time the other comes into our space and tries to insert themself into displays of PDA or flirts with either of us I get… Really annoyed? I don’t want to feel this way because I’m sure they like me but I honestly just feel sick thinking about having to be with them romantically. But I love my other boyfriend and I don’t want to upset them both…

It’s unclear from your letter whether the other two people are dating each other or not, but either way, if you don’t want to date someone, don’t date them. If dating someone you don’t want to date is a prerequisite for dating someone else, then don’t date that other person. It sucks, but there is really no good reason to be in a relationship that isn’t working for you.

If you think it’s just the behavior that’s bothering you and you could rekindle some of your attraction to the frustrating partner, talk to them about it - ask them to tone it down, be specific, and give them a chance to change the behavior rather than letting the resentment and annoyance just simmer indefinitely. But if it’s really just that you don’t want to date this person, that’s fine - don’t date them.

I do not want to have multiple boyfriends. I just want another female that me and a primary can share. Like more than a threesome but less than a poly family… Is this weird??? Is there a name for it???

The general term for this is “unicorn hunting.”

You didn’t ask for my feedback on whether this is wise or not, but you did write to my advice column, so here goes: people are not sex toys or objects to be “shared.” Please think very carefully about why you want this arrangement to be you and your partner sharing someone else (instead of all three of you dating on equal footing) and why you clarify that this would be “less than a poly family.”

Wanting this kind of arrangement is not “weird” in the sense that it’s very common, but it also can create lots and lots of problems. Be introspective and honest with yourself, your partner, and your unicorn about exactly what you want, what you can offer, and why. 

Hello! I have a question about polyamorous terminology and was wondering if you could help me. I have recently become involved with a married couple. I think the term for what I am now is a unicorn; however, someone mentioned that because my married couple is significantly older then me (the wife by 14 years and the husband by 25) that there was another term for what I am more specific to the age gap. Do you happen to know what that is or where I could do more research to find it?

Wait, someone told you there are a word you should use, but couldn’t tell you what that word was? That person sounds like they have their own perspectives they want to impose on the world, but you don’t have to accept them. Find language that lets you identify and understand who you are and what your relationship is in a healthy, honest way. Don’t let meddling language police tell you that you need to find a new word (unless you’re misusing or misrepresenting someone else’s identity term, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here).

I, for one, have never heard of a term that means “someone dating a couple who are both older than them” - that is so specific that I don’t think there is, or needs to be, a term for that. Unless your age gap is a significant part of your relationship or somehow defines the terms of your relationship, I don’t see how it’s relevant to anything.

There are terms for relationships with big age gaps, but none of them are terms the people in the relationship are obligated to use, most of them are denigrating anyway, and none of them are specific to poly arrangements. There are terms for sexual play that involves roleplaying or exaggerating age gaps, but those generally have to do with sexual arrangements, not necessarily entire relationship styles. And any term should be freely self-adopted by the people engaging in the relationship; no one else gets to tell you “oh, you’re not allowed to use THIS word, what you’re REALLY doing is THIS OTHER TERM.”

And honestly, polyamory is so new that there are very few “real” or “established” terms, there is no Official Dictionary of Polyamory. If you find yourself in a situation that you want a term for and you can’t find one, make one up! If you find yourself in a situation that you don’t think needs its own term and you think you fit fine into an already existing category, don’t worry about it!

I feel like when it comes to polyamourous relationship there are only 3 people involved. Is the case or is that just the most common situation?

That is not the case - it may just be that you have mostly encountered 3-person poly arrangements, but that doesn’t mean polyamory is limited to 3 people. Someone who is poly may be only dating one other person, but that relationship can still be considered polyamorous - I currently have two partners; but if I broke up with one, my relationship with my other partner wouldn’t suddenly become monogamous.

If someone is dating two other people, and if each of those people are also dating one other person, then five people are involved. If four people are in a closed relationship, all dating each other but no one else, then four people are involved. And so on.

It also depends on how you define “involved” - at one point, my poly network included at least a dozen people and probably more, if you tracked all the connections. Say I’m dating three people: each of those individual relationships only “involves” two people; but my personal poly situation “involves” four people (including myself). And if my partners are dating other people, and those other people are also dating other people, the number quickly grows! I might not have direct relationships with everyone, but they are still “involved” in the sense that if abuse, an STI, or any kind of drama impacts one of them, it also impacts me and the health of my relationships.

It is important to remember that every social network and every cultural bubble has its own norms! You may simply know a bunch of poly people who tend towards three-person closed triads; but someone else might be in a world where it’s far more normal for lots of individuals to have lots of cross-networked relationships (as was the case at my college). Always know and own your truth, but never assume that your truth is the truth!

i’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and i love him very much! he’s very protective and gets jealous easily, but he tells me he just wants me to do what makes me happy. recently my friend admitted she has a crush on me, and i would love to date both of them, but i’m afraid i would hurt my boyfriend because of how committed he is to me. and i don’t even know how she feels about polyamory. any advice??

First off, jealousy and level of commitment aren’t related - you can be very committed to someone and not very jealous; you can also be very jealous about someone but not that committed to them. (Song with relevant lyrics.) It sounds like your boyfriend is both very committed and pretty jealous, but one is not evidence of the other. Equating jealousy with commitment or intensity of affection is a dangerous mistake.

Second, it sounds like your primary issue is not knowing how all parties feel about things. You can ask your boyfriend how he feels about polyamory in the abstract without jumping right into “hey, cool if I date my friend?” And you can ask your friend - “hey, since you told me you have a crush on me, would you want to get together if I was still with my boyfriend?” 

If your boyfriend says he would never consider a poly or open arrangement, there’s your answer. You can decide whether to stay with him and let go of a chance with your friend, or to leave that relationship to pursue other options. Be sure, however, that you know what options you are pursuing -  the option to get with your friend vs the option to date polyamorously - and be honest with yourself about the reality of your intentions and expectations.

Finally, I don’t really know what you mean by “very protective” and “gets jealous easily” - that could be within the spectrum of normal, healthy monogamy, or it could signal something problematic. If, when you bring up polyamory, he gets angry, upset, or jealous to a level that makes you feel afraid or threatened, run. If he uses your questions about polyamory to guilt you or accuse you of cheating, run. If you feel at all manipulated or controlled by his protectiveness or jealousy, run. 

So I’m a sex repulsed ace and a grey aro, and part of my aro side is that I don’t have the emotional energy to date more than one person. But I wouldn’t mind if my partner dated more than one person. So, if a poly relationship involving me would be one way (as in, only my partner dates more than one person but I don’t), am I poly or mono who is okay with a poly partner?

Which label works best for you, helps you understand and communicate your identity, feels right to you, and gives you the tools to build healthy and fulfilling relationships? That one. 

You can read more on my FAQ page about this issue!

I’m really sorry please disregard that last ask. I just realised how many asks this is gonna take my type out and I just feel so exhausted, I’m sorry to waste your time.

I get asks like this relatively often, and it just breaks my heart every time.

Let me say this to every single person who reads this blog:

You matter. Your pain matters.

You deserve help. You deserve support.

You don’t deserve to suffer. You deserve healing.

You are worth my time. You are worth love.

You are worthy. You are enough.

Feeling like you don’t - feeling like you’re wasting people’s time when you ask for help or support, feeling like you’re not worthy of other people’s time and care , that your problems don’t matter or aren’t big enough to warrant getting help - that is a huge red flag that you do need help.

And the awesome thing is, you can get it! These kinds of feelings, while they can make you feel totally hopeless and alone, are actually really common. Tons and tons of work and research has gone into helping people with these kinds of feelings. Therapists and other mental health professionals have years of experience with exactly what you’re feeling, and they can help you.

Please check out my page of mental health resources - even if you struggle with finding the money, time or transportation for therapy appointments, there are resources there that can help you. Call a hotline. Ask a friend for help. Do some therapeutic worksheets. You can do this. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.

What is your opinion on someone who is poly having ‘casual’ sex with people who are not one of their partners despite one (or more) partners being uncomfortable with it? Would you consider this cheating or simply them being inconsiderate/disrespectful?

It doesn’t really matter what I, a person not involved in that relationship, would consider it. If to you, something is a dealbreaker, then break the deal.

If your partner consistently does something that makes you feel disrespected, is that part of a larger pattern of not respecting your wishes, or is this just one boundary they are pushing back against? If it’s part of a larger pattern vs. one thing they just cannot/will not do for you, that’s important.

Have these feelings been made clear and discussed? If someone says “if you do this thing, I will consider it cheating, and act accordingly,” and their partner says “Well, I refuse to stop doing this thing,” then both parties need to seriously discuss whether to end the relationship or re-negotiate the terms. People have the right to do what they want; their partners have the right to respond in ways that work for them.

It’s only ever up to an individual what they consider intolerable or a dealbreaker. Other people’s opinions don’t have the power to validate or invalidate someone’s feelings, choices, or boundaries. 

Hi. I think my boyfriend is gonna leave me because I won’t sleep with him. I really love him, but we are in high school. I wanna wait until marriage but he always brings it up. I don’t want him to leave me, I want us to both win. I don’t know what to do. Halp please.

If your boyfriend is pushing or disrespecting your boundaries, that is not healthy and not okay. Trying to use ultimatums or the threat of a breakup to pressure you into doing something you aren’t comfortable doing is not okay.

It’s his right to leave a relationship if the terms - no sex before marriage - are not working for him. It’s your right to leave a relationship if the terms - sex before marriage - are not working for you. It is also your right to leave a relationship if you feel pressured, manipulated, or threatened.

You have your whole life to meet people whose values and desires will sync better with yours, and who will respect your choices about what you want to do with your own body. Don’t compromise for a boy just to keep him. 

This is not about “winning” or “losing,” it’s about learning how to stand up for yourself, demand respect for your boundaries, and identify when situations aren’t healthy for you. It is okay for relationships to end once you figure out that what you want isn’t compatible - that’s the entire point of dating! 

I’m with this guy who’s in an iffy marriage and he has a few other partners and he’s said once or twice he sometimes wishes things were different and that he’d wished he could be with just me (bcuz im mono and only want to be with him) and whenever he says that it makes me wonder why can’t he? I feel like a bad person for wondering that since he’s married and such and that’s selfish of me…but if that’s something he’s wanted then why not?

I really can’t tell you why this person might say he wants something, but not act on that desire. He may really want it, but feel trapped by other things in his life and unable to make it happen. He may want it when he’s with you, but have other conflicting desires that keep him from pursuing it fully. He may not really want it, and just be saying that to “keep you on the line,” so to speak.

The best way to find out is to ask him. Clear, honest, open communication is key. “You say that you wish you could just be with me - is that really true? If so, are there steps you plan to take to make that happen? Or is it just a fantasy you spin with me that you never hope or intend to act on?” Let him know that it bothers you when he makes statements that sound like promises if he never wants them to come true. He may not have meant them that way - but that’s how they feel to you, so you need to be clear about how they’re affecting you.

Ultimately, though, if you don’t want to be in a relationship where you’re teased with the hope of something you continue to not get, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to stay in. 

i was with this guy who’s married but him and his wife dont live together and she doesn’t approve of him being poly but he has been for several years and way before i met him and we were together for half a year and she messaged me telling me not to talk to him anymore and now he won’t talk to me and i saw that he was with her again and idk what to do? i loved him so much but now i just feel stupid for thinking he cared?

To be honest with you, it sounds like what you were involved in was not a healthy poly situation, but an unhealthy marriage. It sounds like this person you dated was misrepresenting his emotional availability and generally making irresponsible choices. The best thing you can do for yourself is treat this like a learning experience and work on healing and moving forward.

It really hurts when you care about someone and it doesn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean you were stupid or wrong to believe someone who said they cared about you. Investing in people does put us at risk of getting hurt, but the alternative is to be closed off in an unhealthy way. Sometimes when we date, it ends poorly, and we get hurt. That doesn’t make us stupid. You made what you felt were the right choices at the time - the turned out not to be for the best, but don’t beat yourself up or indulge feelings of shame and regret.

Not everything that hurts hurts because you deserve it, or because you made the wrong choice, or because you could have prevented it but didn’t. There’s a time and a place to take responsibility and own your part in a situation, but there’s also a time to just let yourself feel bad about things not working out, without blaming yourself.

So he cheated on me with this chick and we are poly. And he wants to be with her and me. I’m so angry and upset and I feel even more upset that he’s pressing the issue now, right after I found out. I’m angry that he cheated and he thinks that there is a way to stay with me and her. And to add to the conundrum, he’s basically beat it into my head that she’s better than me and better suited for him then me. But when i try to leave, then he is apologetic. How do I deal with this??

If he cheated on you, that’s a problem…but what sticks out to me is this part where he “beat it into your head” that she is “better than you.” That is abuse. That is abusive behavior. And this thing where he is apologetic when you try to leave? Part of the classic cycle of abuse. You deal with this by leaving the relationship. He is not healthy for you to be dating. Run.

My boyfriend is poly but I’m not and he really wants to bring my best friend into our relationship (who he has had a previous relationship with) and keeps suggesting it to me, I’m trying to make him understand that I can’t force myself to do that. It’s making me so upset and I don’t know what to do

Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. If you’ve been very clear with your boyfriend that you do not want to include this person in your relationship, and he continues to push, you need to lay down that boundary: “I’ve told you that I will not do that, and it makes me very upset when you refuse to take no for an answer.” 

At that point, if he still refuses to “understand,” that’s on him. You may need to reconsider whether you can be in a healthy, happy relationship with someone who cannot accept your boundaries and keeps pushing on something you’ve made clear is non-negotiable.

Can someone be flexible in their polyamory? There are some partners I’d rather be in an open relationship. And then there are potential partners I’d rather be monogamous with assuming specific needs are communicated and met.

You answered your own question! Of course someone can be flexible - you’re living proof of it!

People are complex. Relationships are complex. Almost no one fits perfectly into every single box - there are nuances and quirks and qualifiers to everyone’s identity.

As in all things, honesty is key. Honesty with yourself and with your partners about what you want and what you need.

my partner makes me feel really insecure about our relationship because he always talks about his other partners and their sex lives and how hot and amazing they are and he never says those things to me or about me. I feel like he’s not attracted to me and I get so scared I don’t want to bring it up. What should I do?

I answered a similar question here, so check that out first. It’s possible that your partner doesn’t realize he’s doing this - maybe he talks about you this way to his other partners too; maybe he’s clumsily and insensitively trying to hint to you that he wants to try out something new with you, etc.

The solution here, really, is to bring it up with him. If you feel too scared and insecure in a relationship to bring up things that are bothering you, that is a huge problem. You need to be honest with yourself about the source of that problem: if your partner acts in such a way that you feel unsafe voicing your concerns and communicating openly, if your fear is grounded in previous experiences with this person making you feel scared and insecure, RUN.

If your partner hasn’t done anything to make the relationship unsafe for honest communication and the fear is an issue on your side, figure out what it will take to build that courage and that skill. Therapy, writing your partner a letter or email, just taking a deep breath and explaining to him that you have a hard time saying this but trust him to hear it with grace and gentleness - whatever it takes for you