Do you think there have been situations in which polyamory happened naturally? Like, three people meeting each other and all being interested in one another and eventually deciding to form a relationship? Instead of like, a couple seeking out a third person??

Absolutely I think that has happened! In fact, I know that it has happened - I have seen it happen in my own life (not to me, but to other people) and I have gotten plenty of letters here about that.

Please note that “three people all being interested in each other” is not a synonym for polyamory - that is called a triad, or polyfidelity, and is only one way of being poly. But yes, people have definitely found themselves in situations like that organically.

asking out of curiosity. how do you manage to maintain more than, say, three partners? like i can barely keep more than two close friends at the same time idk

Every poly person handles this differently! If you don’t want to have more than three partners, that’s totally fine - you don’t have to! Some people find that they’re happiest in a closed triad with two other people. Some people have a large network of partners and lovers and friends-with-benefits. It’s not a requirement that, if you’re poly, you must constantly be open to new partners and willing to juggle an unlimited amount of partners.

If the “you” in your question refers to me, specifically, I can answer that: I date people who fit into my lifestyle and who invite me into theirs. Right now, I have two serious partners. One lives with me, and the other lives ~10 minutes from me. Both of them are relative homebodies, and both of them get along, which means I get to see them a lot - we hang out at my house, watch TV, cook, play board games, etc. I can casually pop over to my partner’s house, he can casually pop over to mine. Because we have a lot of mutual friends, we get to spend time together as part of larger plans, like going to the movies or out to dinner. 

I also sometimes see other guys more casually, which means less time commitment and less expectation that they’ll fold into my friends and fold me in with theirs. Instead of just flopping around each other’s houses and living our lives in each other’s company, with those guys, we tend to Plan A Thing To Do (a date, sex, etc.), schedule a time, get together, Do The Thing, and then go on with the rest of our schedules. Most of the time, new partners start out in this ‘category’ and then fold into my life/fold me into theirs.

If someone takes too much time or energy to date - if they are flaky, live really far away, don’t get along with my friends - it doesn’t shift into “live life together” style partnership. And that’s okay with me! I am fine having a low-key, sex-and-date-when-scheduled type of partnership indefinitely and don’t hope or expect that they will all eventually become long-term, life-sharing partners. So that’s how I do it - I use casual dating as a way to screen for people who will be low-effort, high-reward. If I find someone who is high-effort, high-reward, then I put in that high effort less often, but am still willing to do it on a less committed basis.

But I am not everyone! All I can do is provide one example of how one poly person does it. If I wasn’t an introvert, didn’t live with a long-term partner, didn’t live in an area with such gnarly traffic, didn’t have a car, worked different hours, didn’t live in a big community house, etc. then I’m sure my process and partnerships would look a lot different. So don’t generalize from me!

Is it bad for me to feel grossed out or uneasy at the thought of my partner having had recent intercourse with another partner prior to us having intercourse? And I mean within the same day. It makes me feel dirty and like I’m getting sloppy seconds.

I don’t think any feeling is ever “bad,” so to speak. It is okay to feel grossed out or uneasy. If you use those feelings as an excuse to act in a way that hurts yourself or others, that’s a problem - but that’s about behavior, not feelings. I’ve found that it’s best to try to understand feelings and recognize where they are coming from and how I can work on or with them rather than deciding I “shouldn’t” feel them and try to turn them off.

I must confess that I also have this feeling sometimes! Even though I’m deeply secure in my poly identity, and I also have a really high sex drive and don’t feel shameful or gross about having lots of sex with lots of partners, I still feel kinda squicky sometimes about having sex with multiple different people in a short time frame. That doesn’t make me sex negative, or bad at poly. It’s just a feeling I have. It may be somewhat irrational, and it may be informed by internalized shame, but find me a person who never has irrational feelings and is entirely immune to our culture’s messages about sex and bodies, and I will eat a shoe.

If this isn’t creating issues between you and your partner, it’s not really an issue. If there are circumstances that make you feel not-so-into-sex, then do other things with your partner until your personal time window closes on “recent.” If this is causing issues - if you feel repulsed or disgusted in a way that is impacting your sex life with them, or if they have been frustrated or hurt by your reluctance to have sex with them in that time window, that’s something to work on.

I personally think that “I totally don’t mind if you have sex with other people, but give it a sleep and a shower before having sex with me” is a very reasonable boundary, but your partner may feel different, and that’s okay. It’s okay to try and talk about this with them - try not to use shaming language like “dirty,” but just make it about your preferences. “I’d prefer that, if you’ve recently had sex with someone else, you take a shower before we have sex,” replacing “take a shower” with “give it a day” or “use a condom” or “let’s don’t do [certain type of sex] within [time window]“ - whatever helps your mind set a barrier. The good thing about feelings that can seem irrational or arbitrary is that sometimes they can be soothed with equally arbitrary things! Finding a way to soothe and gently put aside these feelings is something you have a right to do, and if your partner isn’t willing to make a compromise for your comfort, that’s a bigger conversation to have.

DONATE TO THE ACLU FOR POLYADVICE PERKS

If you donate $10 or more to the ACLU and send a screenshot of your donation to polyamoryadvice [at] gmail [dot] com, I will provide one of the following, of your choice:

  • A poem about a topic of your choice (silly or literary)
  • A short fic about a topic of your choice (my favorite thing to do is little fics about people and their friends in various worlds or adventures)
  • A private answer to a question you have, poly advice related or not
  • A cover letter or resume overhaul
  • A guest post for your blog
  • Another writing or editing commission; let’s discuss!

I’m trying to put my skills and platform to good use in this frightening time - I’ve donated what I can and want to encourage others to do so! 

Feel free to signal boost this; the offer goes for folks who aren’t following me, money is money and the ACLU needs it right now.

<3

My best friend just came out to me as polyamorous. I know nothing about what this mean, I love him and want to be able to understand what he is and what he’s going though. Do you have any advice on this or maybe a reference I could use? Thank you!

This is perhaps one of the sweetest questions I’ve gotten on this blog! You can check out my general polyamory resources page for starters.

The best thing to do is to ask your best friend what kind of support he needs from you. He may be feeling pretty good about things and just wanted to share this new self-discovery with you. Or, he may be feeling isolated, afraid people will judge him, or fearful about finding future partners. Let him know that whatever he’s going through, you’re there with him!

As with all comings-out, it is never okay to out him to anyone without his permission, so check in with him about how he wants you to treat this information. He may still be working out how to come out to other friends, family, coworkers, etc. - or he may love having a friend to help explain things and provide a cheerful model of acceptance and normalcy. 

Some people like to talk things out, and enjoy things like answering questions and having intimate conversations. Other people get exhausted by people asking for explanations. Again, it’s best to check in with him about whether he wants to delve into this with you, or whether he’d prefer you to educate yourself. Curiosity is natural, but you can always preface a question with “let me know if this isn’t something you want to talk about” or something similar.

As he continues this journey, there will be new ways to support him - whether it’s helping wingman him, being open and welcoming to all his new partners, accompanying him to an STI screening, being a listening ear when he’s confused or frustrated - pretty much regular ol’ friendship, which it sounds like you have a solid foundation of.

And, of course, all people whose relationships, sexualities, and identities are anything but “mainstream” will need plenty of political and economic support in the coming years. Whether you choose to donate, rally, organize, or volunteer, supporting issues like access to healthcare (especially sexual and reproductive care like Planned Parenthood provides), continued progress in marriage and gender equality (including hospital visitation, health insurance, and adoption), and other areas of social justice are great ways to show support and solidarity with everyone you care about, especially anyone who is a “minority.”

Other resources:

Is there a glossary of terms like “metamour” or other words like “partner” that can help explain the different dynamics that appear in poly relationships? My gf and I are struggling to communicate effectively about bringing other people into our tangle because of lack of language for types of relationships.

Many of the pages listed on my Poly Resources page have glossaries, and here are a few specific ones:

So um, I’ve started thinking that I might be poly but I’m not totally sure. Are there telltale signs or something? I’m sorry if I’m being rude I’m just kind of confused.

@polyamory-place gave you a good answer here already, and you can read my FAQ page about this here!

Short answer - there are no “telltale signs,” just a journey of self discovery and introspection. Do you think you would be happy, healthy, and fulfilled in a polyamorous relationship? Then you’re probably poly. It is okay to be unsure or experimenting for as long as it takes. 

i need triad date advice. What activities can my Ri and my fellow sub and i do together that will be fun with three people where no one will feel left out? Most date-type-activities tend to be oriented toward two people, instead of three. And we would like to do something other than just movie + dinner. Any thoughts?

I have no idea what “Ri” means in this context, and I tried Googling it - I hope it isn’t someone’s name! If you sent this message and need me to omit or clarify something, please shoot me a follow-up.

As to the actual question: there are lots of fun date activities that work for three people! Consider:

  • Hiking or visiting a beautiful natural spot near you
  • Visiting a craft show or farmer’s market
  • Seeing a museum together
  • Taking a class together - cooking, crafting, improv
  • Going to a spa or bath house (there is one near me that lets you rent private hot tub rooms by the hour)
  • Going to an amusement park near you
  • Checking out a local festival - there’s always something niche and interesting going on at some community center, like a Bonsai Tree Expo or a Garlic Festival
  • Volunteering together
  • Joining a local low-key sports league, like kickball or ultimate frisbee
  • Hosting a dinner party together
  • Camping
  • Going thrift shopping
  • Buying and refurbishing an old piece of furniture your way

Followers in triads, any other thoughts?

My partner and I have been married for almost ten years. We recently decided to have a commitment ceremony with our mutual lifemate. I’m finding very few resources on planning our ceremony. Any help?

The thing about forging a new and mostly untrodden path is that you get to forge the path yourself! That can be simultaneously liberating and terrifying. 

Take a step back and identify what you’re looking for resources in. If it’s general event planning, lots of resources for wedding planning should be easy to tweak. Things like invitations, budgeting, venue, food, decorations, etc. for your event can be as traditional as you want.

If you mean planning the content of the ceremony itself, you may have to patch together things from your life that you find meaningful. If you’re having an officiant or someone with a similar role, hopefully you chose them because you respect their perspective on life in general and their insight into your relationship. Talk to them about what they recommend!

Is there anything from your partner’s and your marriage that you’d like to bring back in? A renewal of your vows? A family tradition you want to welcome your lifemate into? Think about ways to include that.

Is there a book excerpt, a poem, song lyrics, or something else that you and your partners find especially moving, or that you feel strongly reflects your relationship? You can read something in unison or have each person share something important to them.

Are there people in your life who provide support and guidance for your relationship? Consider asking them to share a short reflection or choose a reading to share.

If any of you belong to any spiritual or cultural traditions that have wedding practices, think about including those. Candle lighting, hand-fasting, prayer, sand pouring - anything that speaks to you. You can also make up your own symbolic ritual with anything from water to crystals to ribbons to paint.

Is there a way you want to include all the guests, or engage with the wedding party? You could do a shared dance in a circle, a guided meditation together, a ring-warming, 

This ceremony is truly yours to create. You can stick to the traditional “wedding” script of an officiant’s blessing, exchanged vows, some recitations, and a kiss, and just make each section yours with your own content. You can add anything else that works for who you are - art, dancing, silence, primal screaming - whatever feels right to you!

Some other resources:

Offbeat Bride (try searching for polyamory - there’s tons of stuff there, like this great resource)

Commitment Ceremonies section in Unmarried Equality

Polyamorous Wedding Ceremony

Wedding ritual ideas

I am an 18 year old bisexual female that has never been in a relationship or engaged in anything sexual. However, I’ve always been intrigued by polyamory and sexual freedom (including threesomes). Being that I have relatively no experience, how would you suggest I go about exploring polyamory? Is it something to wait until I gain some background with at least one monogamist relationship? I’m ready to be sexually adventurous in college but I’m afraid my virginity will be a hindrance.

Way, way, way more people will be headed off to college as virgins. That does not prevent you from being sexually adventurous in college. I was a virgin when I went off to college. I was quite sexually adventurous in college. That is really common. You are not at any disadvantage in this, trust me. 

Monogamy is not polyamory with training wheels on, and polyamory is not an advanced level of relationship that you need to complete prerequisites for. The best way to explore polyamory is…to explore polyamory. Do your homework on what it means for you to be poly, then be open with potential partners. You can start being actively poly in your own way. I learned about polyamory my freshman year, from a boy I was interested in. He was only a year older than me, and had come into his poly identity somehow. He lent me a copy of The Ethical Slut. He was very cute and into anarchist philosophy. Let’s just say we learned a lot from each other.

College is a place where many people are starting their sexual adventures, and everyone is unsupervised for the first time, and there is lots of flirting and partying and sleepovers and general sexual experimentation. Unless you’re going to a college with a culture known for being straight-laced and traditional, you will not lack willing partners for whatever you’d like to experiment with. Be safe, be healthy, and have fun. 

Actions You Can Take Today

I don’t usually use this platform to promote anything besides this advice column itself, but as we head into the first weeks of the Trump presidency, I very much want to use this blog - the biggest, loudest platform I personally have - to highlight what can be done to fight for peace, freedom, love, and justice.

It’s so important to get up and do something. But it can feel really overwhelming to try and figure out what you can do - you personally, with your speech, body, time, and resources - to fight hate. So here are some resources to help you get something done today.

Things you can do from your home, phone, and computer:

Call your elected representatives. All the information you need is at The Sixty Five. If you are on mobile, you can also use the Call To Action tool.

Read the Indivisible guide and join or start a local group to take action in your area to influence local government.

Read the Action Checklist for Americans of Conscience and take action based on their recommendations.

Read the Rise When We Fall plan and take action based on their recommendations.

Spend 10 minutes taking action with Enlightened Rapid Response.

Read the ACLU’s action plan and take action based on their recommendations.

Send a postcard with the Women’s March 10 Actions for 100 Days action plan.

Take action with She Should Run to support women leaders.

Check out Wall of Us for inspiration and calls to action.

Things you can show up to in person:

Join a local SURJ chapter to get updates about actions you can take locally.

Sign up for Our Revolution to attend or organize a local grassroots event.

Volunteer with Planned Parenthood.

Join and support a local Black Lives Matter chapter. (White allies: listen when the chapter leaders tell you how you can support them.)

Especially for white people: take an anti-racism training and help organize one for your church, school, workplace, or community.

Volunteer with the US Committee for Refugees and Immigrants.

Join an Anti-Fascist group in your area. (Note: If you are new to this type of organizing, the best thing to do is show up, listen and learn.)

Causes to donate to:

Every area has local groups that need resources. Find something in your area that works on a cause you believe in, and get resources to them any way you can. For large-scale organizations to donate to, check out this Jezebel article and the top comments. 

I’m in a relationship with a polyamorous man and I’m monogamous. Both of us know that we were meant to be together and that we’re definitely 100% soulmates. Recently he just started dating another person and things are starting to go downhill. He knows it hurts me and I know it hurts him. He says that seeing me unhappy kills him and vice versa. We couldn’t break up with each other, that would just kill us both, but either way one of us is going to be unhappy and we don’t know what to do.

There is no magical solution here. If your friend told you “It just kills me to not be able to see penguins outside my window every morning - I can’t be happy without that! But it also kills me to live in Antartica - I simply can’t be happy in the cold!” - what advice would you give your friend?

I’d caution you to take a step back from the drama of it all: it will not actually kill you to be sad. You will not die from not getting what you want. The stakes here are actually much lower than that. Feeling bad is survivable. Also, you have really backed yourself into an emotional corner with the “meant to be together and definitely 100% soulmates” claim. Think honestly with yourself about whether you are mistaking an intense feeling for an empirical reality.

You two can figure this out. You need to either find a compromise that lets you two grow in this relationship together, or you need to make the painful decision to end a relationship. It is okay for two people to really like each other, but be unable to make a romantic relationship work. It happens. There is no immutable force of nature or law of physics that dictates that you two must be together, or cannot be happy without each other. 

I would like to be poly because I feel there are certain things I want out of a relationship I’m not currently getting from my current one but I don’t want to end this relationship to start a new one because I feel I can get things from each one I’m not getting from the other but my partner has told me they would be very upset with me if I started seeing another person. I don’t think it’s very fair since they’re poly and have several partners already. What are your thoughts?

Poly is not exactly permission to see others as “need-meeting machines” - like you go out and pick people off the shelves to fit whatever gaps you have in your life. Everyone you meet is a complete person looking for a dynamic, whole relationship. No one is floating around like “I like dancing and am an empathetic listener, I hope to find someone who has a partner who won’t go dancing with them and is more of a philosophical-debater type!”

But, yes, poly people do often find that it takes pressure off all their relationships to not have to expect one person to provide everything for them. So it’s a delicate balance between seeing everyone as individuals and understanding that we all, with friendships and families and partners, are building a network of relationships to meet our social and emotional needs.

The bigger issue here, though, is that your partner has other partners, but doesn’t want you to have other partners. That is unfair. My advice is to ask them why they feel this way, and see if you can find ways to help them work through those feelings. If they refuse, then you have a choice: stay in this relationship with this person on these (challenging) terms, or leave the relationship.

I don’t know if I can handle a poly relationship anymore. I get so upset knowing my bf and I are fighting and he’s running off to some other person and spending the night and having a great time with them while im home crying and upset. he always leaves me to go off and be with someone else and it’s really hurtful especially when i’m upset or we’ve been fighting. i just don’t know how to cope with this

It sounds like there’s a specific issue here, rather than polyamory in general: your partner going to let off steam with another partner after bringing negativity to you. The first step is to talk to him about this. You can say something like: “When we fight, and you leave to see another partner without resolving our fight, it really bothers me. Can we agree to not run off on each other during a fight, even if we have somewhere more pleasant to be?” 

Then, you two need to work on your conflict resolution, so you can actually resolve said fights. Are you often fighting about the same thing? That issue needs to be addressed, whatever it is. You two can consider reading about communication strategies or seeing a couples counselor together to learn the skills that can help you move through conflict without having to run from it. Not every fight needs to end in a happy, sitcom-style resolution, but you should be able to reach some kind of conclusion where both of you feel okay about letting the conflict go before one of you just leaves the situation.

If he refuses to do any of this - if he insists on just running to other partners to escape any negativity in your relationship, if he won’t work with you on reducing the number of fights and having healthier conflict - then this might not be a healthy relationship. But first, give him a chance to understand where you’re coming from and address it alongside you.

I really feel like there’s no place for me in my partner’s life. They live so far away and have so many lovely (and not so lovely) people around them that I don’t see where I belong. I don’t think they really take our relationship serious at all and they just seem to have everything they need. I love them so much but I don’t think it’s meant to be. They have so many partners already they can barely manage. I don’t know what to do.

Have you talked to your partner about this? It’s okay to ask them to set aside to talk, then say something like, “I feel like you don’t take our relationship seriously,” or “I feel like you don’t value my contributions to your life.”

Remember that the issue is how you feel, and their actions - not their feelings. If they say “well, you’re wrong, I do value you,” then you need to shift the conversation to “here’s what I need from you to help me feel that, here’s how you can demonstrate that for me.”

It really helps to go in with some specific requests: asking them to spend more time with you one-on-one, or make more time to call or email you, or not to spend so much of your time together talking about their other partners, etc. People can’t magically change your feelings, but they can change behavior on their part that you feel bad about.

If, when you tell your partner how you feel, they argue, withdraw, or refuse to make any concessions to help you feel better, it might be time to end this partnership. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and welcomed in your partner’s life - if someone makes you feel like you’re not worth their time, that’s unacceptable and you have the right to walk away. (I actually just ended a 6 year relationship over this exact issue. It hurt like hell, but it was the right choice. I did what I needed to do to protect myself. You can do it.)

This isn’t poly related but a question about your blog actually. I was wondering how you got started and how you were able to get people submitting questions to you? I’ve been following you for a while now and I’ve been thinking of starting my own advice blog but I’m not sure how to get it started. I want to be able to help others with their problems but I’m not sure how to go about it?

An advice question about giving advice…so meta! I’ve been writing this blog for a few years now, and here’s what I can suggest:

Don’t make it a side blog. Having your advice blog as a main blog means you can follow people, which is a good way to quickly build awareness and an audience. When I first started out, I followed every blog I could find in the poly tag. You may have to make a new email account for this, but it’s not hard at all. I keep this tumblr logged in on an incognito window so I can do my personal tumbling and my poly blogging without having to log in and out. (Obviously this advice doesn’t make sense if you’re not planning to host it on tumblr.)

Use tags to promote. I use the first five tags on a post to draw attention to my blog rather than to internally organize my posts. This makes it easier for it to show up in searches on tumblr and on google. I have typed the tags “poly,” “poly advice,” “polyamory,” “polyamory advice,” “relationship advice,” etc. so many times that my fingers just do it automatically.

Post consistently. I haven’t always been good about this, but it’s good advice nonetheless: decide on a posting schedule and set up a queue to post on that schedule. Try to keep a buffer of 1-2 weeks in the queue (so if you post daily, that’s 7-14 posts; if you post twice a week, that’s 2-4, etc.) That also helps you vary your content and plan things out ahead of time.

Keep your voice consistent. Pick a “persona” and stick to it. If your thing is being gentle and upbeat, one snarky response can turn off readers. If you decide to post hate mail or criticism with well thought out responses, or with just a gif response, or to ignore and delete most negative messages, stick to that.

Pick your niche. What do you want to give advice about? What are you an expert on? There are advice columnists who focus on sex, dating, finances, workplace issues, manners, fashion, mental health, weddings, parenting, etc. Read lots of other advice blogs and columns and think about how to situate yourself as an advice expert on a particular topic.

Know your goals. Are you hoping to syndicate your blog someday by pitching it to an online magazine as a running column? Are you hoping to build a big enough readership that you could monetize with ads or a Patreon? Are you just looking to organize your knowledge online? Do you enjoy writing, but would prefer to have the ‘prompts’ of people’s questions? Would you rather have a smaller but tight-knit and engaged readership, or a larger readership that does not form a “commentariat”? Knowing what you’re trying to accomplish can help you work towards it and set expectations with your readers.

Have a thick skin. People send me ridiculous, sometimes hurtful messages all the time. I get critiqued for not posting often enough, I get yelled at for not answering someone’s message, I get blamed for mental health crises or relationship breakups because of advice I gave or didn’t give. I constantly have people messaging, commenting, or reblogging to criticize my word use or advice. I have been accused of almost every -phobia and -ism, from both sides of every issue. I get the same question asked constantly despite my FAQ. I often get challenging, difficult, or frustrating letters.

You have to be willing to let that go. If you feel the need to defend yourself against every critique or engage in every negative or judgmental situation, it will turn readers off and it won’t be any fun for you. Set your limits, decide what kind of tone and content you want for your blog, and stick to that. I have no problem ignoring or deleting something that I don’t think it’s wise to engage with. There are people out there who think “oh, that Poly Advice Writer is wrong and bigoted and bad at what she does,” and I have to be okay living my life knowing that some people out there in the world don’t like me or the things I create.

Best of luck! <3

Are there resources for mono people dating poly people to talk to each other (specifically mono people who are happy in that situation)? I have tried to reach out a few times but only come across people who were v unhappy, which is not me!

I am not aware of any specific forums, chats, meetups, or other places designed for mono people with poly partners to find companionship, resources, etc. You could try the sites listed here under Forums & Communities - or you might have to make your own community! Start a tumblr blog, an open chat, a subreddit, etc. and promote it in tags and channels! If you do, let me know and I’ll promo it here for you to find other folks in your same situation.

A brief search led me to a few other resources:

This article’s comment section (the article itself is kind of meh)

A mono girl’s guide to dating poly people

This blog written by a mono person in a poly relationship

Another blog by a mono person in a mono/poly relationship

FAQ: How does a couple find a third?

I get lots of questions from couples looking to “add” or “bring in” another person to their relationship. This is generally referred to as “unicorn hunting,” as the third person is a “unicorn.”

I cover most of this in my other posts, but here is a breakdown of what I’m likely to tell you if you send me a question about finding a third:

One: Be patient. There are approximately one berzillion books, songs, movies, comics, and whathaveyou about how hard it is for monogamous people to find partners. It takes time and effort. And it’s much harder to find someone who is attracted to two other people and is attractive to those two other people. The math is not on your side. Don’t assume that you’ll visit a few poly meetups and make a couple’s profile on OKC and suddenly be awash in options. That’s not how dating works, for anyone, of any relationship style.

Two: People are not sex toys. Most messages I get are phrased as people “looking for a third to add to their relationship.” That’s a pretty objectifying way to frame it. Would you be into someone if they said “hey, I’ve been looking for a boyfriend to add to my life, I am hereby inviting you to be included in what I want to do”? People are people - you gotta treat them like it.

Three: Why are you doing this? Ask yourself why it’s critical to you that you and your partner find someone to date together, as a unit. Is it to offset jealousy on one side? Because what you really want is a threesome? To try and explore non-monogamy without threatening your existing relationship? All of those require more self-work and honesty on your part. Try to work out those issues together - adding a third will not magically solve existing problems. Consider whether it’s possible to try V-shaped non-monogamy, even if that takes more time and emotional work on your part.

Four: What do you have to offer? Most requests for a third look just like that - requests. “We want a bisexual woman who wants to be exclusive with us.” That’s nice. But people don’t come special-order like American Girl dolls you can build online with the exact specs you want. Again, would you be interested in someone whose dating profile read “I’m looking for a woman, preferably blonde or redhead, into hiking or swimming, with left-leaning politics and a passion for oral sex”? You want to be a couple that other people are drawn to organically, not a couple on the prowl.

Here are some of my posts on the topic:

And here are resources elsewhere:

I’m currently looking for my first poly relationship, after two and a half years my gf and I decided we would like to add a third person to our relationship. It’s now been well over six months and we’re not having much luck. We’ve had a few dates here and there but no one wanting a committed and closed 3 party relationship. This is made harder by the fact that my gf and I are lesbians. Is this an uncommon relationship type? Am I expecting too much or am I just looking in the wrong place?

Think about this from a statistical point of view: You are looking for a “closed, three party relationship,” which means you need someone who is:

  • Physically attracted to you
  • Physically attracted to your partner
  • Physically attractive to you
  • Physically attractive to your partner
  • Intellectually interested in you
  • Intellectually interested in your partner
  • Intellectually interesting to you
  • Intellectually interesting to your partner
  • Sexually compatible with you
  • Sexually compatible with your partner
  • Emotionally engaged with you
  • Emotionally engaging to you
  • Emotionally engaged with your partner
  • Emotionally engaging to your partner
  • Lesbian 
  • Polyamorous
  • Interested in a closed triad

Consider how hard it is for straight monogamous people to find someone to date - it takes most people way longer than six months to find someone. And they have it easier, statistically - they only have to find someone:

  • Physically attracted to them
  • Physically attractive to them
  • Intellectually interested in them
  • Intellectually interesting to them
  • Sexually compatible with them
  • Emotionally engaged with them
  • Emotionally engaging with them
  • Straight
  • Monogamous

So you’re up against two numerical challenges:

  • One: There are just fewer poly lesbians interested in closed triads than there are straight mono people trying to date. No matter where you are, in this day and age, straight people looking for a mono relationship make up the numerical majority.
  • Two: you’ve significantly increased the number of requirements for compatibility. Now they need to be into two people and two people need to be into them.

So, from that perspective, six months is not a long time to be looking at all. 

From another perspective: think about the approach you’re taking. You don’t really “add another person to your relationship” - people aren’t sex toys you pick out with your partner together to spice things up. Imagine reading a dating profile by a person saying “I am looking to add a girlfriend to my life” - would you want to be a thing added to their life, or would that perspective and phrasing put you off?

Think independently, and talk together, about why you want to shift your relationship this way, why it’s important to be in a closed triad, what you have to offer people you date, whether you two as a couple form a “unit” to date another person and how that impacts your expectations, etc. 

What you are doing is generally referred to as “unicorn hunting” in the poly community, and you can read about some of the challenges and risks of unicorn hunting here. I get a lot of questions like this, so I am working on a resources and FAQ page - in the meantime, check out my unicorn tag.

Hi friends,

I’ve recently gotten a number of requests for private chats or private answers to questions. I’ve also gotten messages asking for answers quickly because the situation/question is time sensitive.

Unfortunately, I can’t do any of that. You can read more about my blog’s policy on that here.

If you need information immediately, try:

If you are in crisis or having an emergency, here are some hotline and chat line resources:

<3
Zinnia