Hi friends,
Please see details here about my femme stuff giveaway!
I have made up packages for everyone who’s contacted me so far - if you sent me your address for fun femme stuff, your box will go out in the mail this Wednesday.
I still have lots of stuff, mostly hair accessories and nail polish, some makeup, some random girly things.
If you could use a care package of sisterhood and glitter, send me your info and I’ll get that out to you!
I looked around in you FAQ and a I saw a similar question but not quite like this. If you want/are in multiple qprs, not romantic just qprs, is that poly? I have a bigger question dealing with some issues I have that kinda rides on this.
My answer is generally the same as the FAQ page on this issue.
If identifying as poly:
then you’re probably poly.
If identifying as poly:
then you’re probably not poly, or need to do more introspection about it.
Whatever bigger questions and issues you’re facing, a poly identification is just one lens through which to look at them; just one tool to apply to the situation. If it works, use it. If it doesn’t, let it go.
i have two friends that are open to polyamory and i just so happen to have an attraction to both of them. how can i tell them this without looking like i’m forcing them into a relationship?
I really don’t know where this idea came from that polyamory requires everyone involved to be involved with each other. You can date Garthus and Breaklyn without requiring that Garthus and Breaklyn also date each other. (If you are only interested in being part of a closed or polyfidelitous group, that’s another story).
Let each person individually know that you’re into them, but want to date polyamorously. If both want to date you, great! If one of them doesn’t want to date you, that’s their call! The only issue here is if the two people don’t like each other and wouldn’t want to be in a poly network together.
Letting someone know that you’re into them is a very far cry from forcing them into something. Be open and honest about how you feel, and be prepared to receive their responses with grace. But what’s between you and someone is about what’s between you two; it’s not dependent on anyone else.
Tonight I told my primary that I was pursuing someone else and asked if she was ok with that. She says “yeah”, then I see her vague-blog about it with “Fuck you, I wanted to be your only one.” I’m…pissed. Plz tell me how to handle this.
If any of that is a dealbreaker for you - the “fuck you,” the vagueblogging, the trust-eroding passive-aggression of saying something is okay and then being angry about it, or not wanting you to have other partners - leave this relationship.
If this isn’t something you want to end a relationship over, the best way to handle it is to have an open conversation: “Hey, you told me things were okay, but then I saw a post on your blog later that concerned me. Can we talk about this?”
Make sure to discuss issues separately: first, ask whether they really are okay with you pursuing someone else. If they say yes, ask what the issue is with the blog post. If they say no, ask why they said yes when they meant no, and talk about how to prevent serious communication issues like that in the future.
Next, talk about the blogging: tell them it really hurt your feelings to read that, and that you need them to commit to not doing that anymore. Whatever you’re most hurt by - the “fuck you,” or the fact that they shared your relationship business with their blog friends instead of bringing it up with you, etc. - be clear about that, and why it was hurtful.
If they are apologetic and can commit to being honest with you rather than using passive-aggressive vagueblogging, you can go back to working on the larger issue of how non-monogamy is going to work between you two. If not, think about whether this is something you can tolerate or whether it’s a core issue in your relationship.
im underage and poly, i never dated before but im way more comfy with the idea of poly (principally 3date). Im actually bi/pan sexual but if i ever found a partner i dont want this to be problematic, but is very complicated. Help?
Why are you concerned that being bi or pan would be problematic for people you want to date? It is totally possible to be bi or pan and polyamorous! Being a person in the world with feelings and relationships is complicated - who you are doesn’t add any unsurmountable new complications.
You’re young, and you already know a lot about who you are and what you want, which is a great foundation. Think about what kind of “complications” you are worried about in the future, and work on developing the skills, tools, and vocabulary to help you navigate those situations in a healthy way. All you can do is be your best self. Complications will arise for everyone, no matter who they are, and all you can do is respond to them with strength, grace, and honesty.
So, I don’t really know where to go and need help with this. I’ve been with my partners for almost two years now and every time they have sex, I get uncomfortable or sad. I always think it’s because of some outside reason but what if it’s not?
This calls for some serious introspection.
What are the “outside reasons” you attribute the sadness to? Maybe there is a larger issue in your life that you’re projecting onto the situation of your partners having sex.
Is there a pattern to the “outside reasons” you attribute it to? Maybe there is an underlying issue about feeling left out, feeling threatened, etc.
How does the sadness feel? Is it loneliness? Jealousy? Anger? Insecurity? It may feel silly, but there are lots of online tools, apps, and worksheets to help with identifying or labeling feelings, which can really help.
What helps the sadness get better? Some doctors solve medical mysteries by trying a bunch of different medicines, then when one works, diagnosing the patient with whatever that medicine treats. If you immediately feel better once your partners are back with you, that may mean it’s a clear response to the situation.
Why are you so emotionally tuned-in to their sex life? Is there a way you could reduce your knowledge of it so you aren’t suffering like this? Do they rub it in your face or flaunt it?
Once you identify more about what’s going on, the next step is to talk to your partners about how you feel and what you think would help you feel better.
If lots of things in your life make you sad, or the sadness is disrupting your life, see a mental health professional.
If, after you’ve done some introspection and talked about it with your partners, it’s obvious that simply being in a multi-partner relationship makes you sad on a fundamental level - if it’s not about something else but simply the fact that your partners are having sex without you - then this relationship may not be healthy for you. It is okay to discover that something isn’t working after trying it out! But do your homework first.
What to do if your partner starts a relationship with another person without asking for your opinion?? She’s had a lot of relationships that ended badly lately so I don’t want to break her heart again by telling her that she’s not allowed to date that person
Have you two talked about this before? Do you have an existing understanding that you’ll get each other’s opinion before starting a new relationship? If so, then she violated the terms of your relationship, and you need to talk about that. If not, it sounds like you have an expectation that hasn’t been made clear, and you need to talk about that.
I’d sit down with her and say “hey, it seems like things between you and Cygnus got serious, and we never had a chance to talk about it. That bothers me - can we agree to check in with each other before starting something with a new person?”
If she had asked your opinion, what would you have said? Do you have a problem with this person specifically, or do you just want the security of knowing that in the future, you’ll be able to voice concerns about someone before she gets serious with them? If you have issues with this person, bring those up. If not - if you just want to talk generally about whether “veto power” is a thing in your relationship - perhaps wait a bit before bringing it up, so she doesn’t feel like you’re trying to establish a position where you put the kibosh on this new relationship.
I’m starting to accept myself as bisexual and I have a boyfriend of 6 years and he is very open to me exploring my feelings for girls…but if I find one he will want me to share her with him otherwise he will feel left out, I feel like it’s going to be very hard for me to find a girl friend who will be understanding of the situation. I’m not really sure what to do…
People are not things to be “shared.” There is really no situation in which you can require someone to get romantically or sexually involved with someone else, or just assume that they will. If a girl likes you and is into you, there is NO guarantee that she will also like and be into your boyfriend. Having that as a prerequisite for dating someone limits your options severely - think about how hard it is to find someone who likes you+you like them - now you have to find someone who likes you+you like them+they like your boyfriend+your boyfriend likes them. So you are very correct that it will be hard to find someone who will be “understanding.”
Talk to your boyfriend about why he has this as a requirement, and what you two can do to address it. If he just feels “left out,” why not open up your relationship on both sides, so he can pursue other partners as well? Does he see this as a mostly sexual thing, like finding someone to have threesomes with, rather than you finding someone to explore your feelings with? There are other ways to help your boyfriend feel comfortable with this besides setting unrealistic expectations for a mythical person who will be equally interested in both of you.
At a party I saw my bf interacting with one of my ex-friends. I asked him to not pursue her. I found out that they exchanged numbers and he doesn’t see that as a violation cause she pursued him. I told him that if he doesn’t end it I will consider that cheating. He claims that since we’re poly theres no such thing as cheating in our relationship. Also I KNOW she is doing this to hurt me, and that he only wants to sleep with her because she’s [comment about this person’s body] and he’s never fucked a [person with that body type] before.
There’s not really a question here, but here are some truths I can lay down:
One: There can still be “cheating” in a poly relationship. Cheating is anything that violates the agreed-upon terms and boundaries of said relationship. You can tell him that if he does a certain thing, it will be a dealbreaker. He can then, armed with knowledge of the consequences, choose to do that thing. If he does, then you break the deal. If this genuinely is a dealbreaker, then make that clear to him. He is free to be angry or frustrated and feel that it shouldn’t be a dealbreaker, but you get to set your boundaries, not him.
Two: The semantic argument of who pursued who is a distraction. Is your boyfriend actually confused, in the sense that he genuinely thought you meant “don’t pursue her” instead of “don’t get into any kind of relationship with her”? If so, you two need to work on your communication. If he’s just splitting hairs to try and convince you that you said one thing when you both know you meant another, that’s a huge issue that borders on gaslighting. If this is something he does often, reconsider the health of your relationship.
Three: No, you don’t know he’s doing this to hurt you, and you don’t know he “only” wants to sleep with her for her body type. You are not psychic. Your feelings and fears do not always map to the reality of another person’s experience. If your boyfriend has a history of doing things “just to hurt you,” leave that relationship. If he has said or done anything to indicate that he wants to hurt you, leave that relationship. But if your only “clue” as to his motives is how you feel about it, you need to talk with him more clearly and honestly about why he wants to do this and why you’re uncomfortable about it.
Fourth: While I try not to edit or censor the letters I get, it is cruel and never okay to reduce someone to their body. It sounds like you have an issue with this person, and if she has dome something hurtful or disrespectful that makes you not want her in your poly network, that’s fine. Focus on that. Explain to your boyfriend why she’s your ex-friend and why you would prefer if he didn’t get involved with her, regardless of who initiated said involvement. Don’t insult her needlessly by implying that the only way she could be attractive to someone is if they have a fetish for something about her body that she cannot control.
Someone I really like is polyamorous, but I’ve always been mono. They have multiple partners, and poly is really new to me; I’m learning a lot about it actually. What I’m wondering is…if I ask this person out, am I expected to date all of those other people too when I’m only interested in just them? And…I’m the kind of person who wants to maybe settle down with someone one day, am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?
No, polyamory doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be in a “closed” relationship with everyone involved. Some people have those as their terms, but many don’t. You’d need to talk to this individual person about whether they expect anyone they date to also date all of their partners.
If you eventually want to end up with only one person, don’t date a poly person with the hope or expectation that they’ll “come around” and want to settle down with you. Never go into a relationship built on a foundation of denial or hoping that things will change in the future. If you’d be unhappy in a relationship with no long-term potential to become monogamous, this probably isn’t the best call for you.
But, if you aren’t looking for someone to settle down with just yet, if you’d be okay dating someone for fun, for a fling, to indulge a crush, to explore, if you don’t particularly mind that this relationship at this stage in your life won’t end in settling down monogamously, then you may not be setting yourself up for heartbreak. You would need to be clear with this person that you might end up leaving the relationship when you feel it’s time to start actively pursuing a long-term, “settled down” monogamous relationship. They might decide not to date you with those terms, and that’s their right.
I have two boyfriends whom I love very dearly, but neither of them is actually very good in bed. I do have another friend who is really good, though, and my boyfriends have been okay with me sleeping with him in the past, especially when we all first started to become sexually active. However, it’s been a while since the three of us have seen any action, and I kind of find myself craving the company of this other friend again, but I’m afraid my boyfriends’ feelings will be hurt if I call him over instead of doing them. I really don’t want to tell them that they don’t sexually satisfy me, because they already have self esteem issues and might think that they’re “not good enough” for me, which isn’t true at all. What’s the best way I can bring this up without hurting anyone’s feelings or making them feel unwanted?
You “really don’t want to tell them,” but the thing is, healthy relationships require clear and open communication. Fortunately, there are ways to talk about this that don’t come off as cruel or shaming.
First, think about what you like in bed that is missing from your sex life with your partners. Is there something your friend does that really gets you going? Is there something your partners do that you don’t particularly like? It is okay to get idea from porn, erotica, your personal fantasies, or other partners! Then, see if you can frame them in a way that is a positive suggestion, rather than a criticism:
If it’s less an issue of wanting to do/not do something, and just general technique, you can also communicate about that:
Be sure to communicate during sex as well! Let him know what’s working, guide his hands or other body parts to the angles/speeds/techniques you like, and don’t be afraid to ask for him to go slower/harder/faster/gentler.
You could also suggest doing mojo upgrade together!
It might take some effort on your part to get back into the groove: sometimes people can get stuck in a loop of not seeing their partner as sexy, so it’s harder to get revved up for sex, so the sex isn’t as fun, and so on. Try experimenting with different types of condoms, lubes, and toys. Try writing erotic fantasies back and forth with each other. Watch porn or read erotica together beforehand to get in the mood.
If, through all this conversation and experimentation together, you discover that the issue isn’t general good-at-sex-ness, but a particular thing you enjoy that you share with your friend and not your partners - if, for example, he’s very submissive and knows exactly how to tap into your inner dominant, while your other partners don’t really enjoy or do power-exchange, that’s another conversation to have! But first, start from a perspective of teaching, guiding, and learning together and see if you can’t boost your “awesome sexual partners” count from one to three.
Of course, if you’re fundamentally incompatible and just really don’t ever enjoy having sex with your partners, if sex feels like a chore or you feel pressured, you don’t have to stay in a sexual relationship with someone who you don’t want to have sex with.
Is your boyfriend still enacting OPP if he refuses to consider being an a MMF threesome? I’m bi, he’s straight, and while he’s fine about me dating/having sex with other men, and is excited about MFF threesomes, he very quickly shuts down any possibility of MMF threesomes. It upsets me, even though I’m sure his reasoning (not gay/bi) is fair. Any help?
I don’t think this counts as a “One Penis Policy” - rules like that are about controlling what a partner does with their body/sexual choices. Everyone is always and forever and unequivocally allowed to make choices about what they do with their own body and sexual choices.
Your partner doesn’t want to be in a threesome with another man. This is totally and entirely his call to make - no one should ever feel, or be, pressured to do something sexual that they don’t feel comfortable with. This is not about him “withholding” the possibility of an MMF threesome from you or disallowing you from doing something; it’s about him setting boundaries about what he wants to do. And that is totally healthy and fine!
If you are deeply committed to the possibility of an MMF threesome, it sounds like you have other avenues to explore that, since you’re open to dating other men. But this isn’t something your boyfriend is willing to explore with you, and that’s entirely his right. I don’t personally believe this is comparable to a “One Penis Policy” or similar limitations placed on one partner by the other.
I understand polyamory I think, and I feel like it would be a great fit for me. But how would I find people to form a polyamorous relationship with? Are there internet places for that? It sounds like such a rare thing, so how do poly people find each other?
Lucky for you, I have an FAQ page for just this question!
I’m in a polyqueer community, my metamour & partner have been emotionally hurt by my ambigusweetie “L” & especially their partner’s “O’s” bad politics re: trans/nb stuff. I, metamour & my partner see O&L’s relationship as volatile, mutually abusive & codependent. I’m taking a month long break from L now and its hard for both of us, esp since they’re grieving death of a loved one i promised support for. I’m hoping that I can say what i need to about O’s influence, abuse & politics after cooling off. halp?
You have a right to take distance from people you feel are abusive or toxic. If O makes you and people you care able feel unsafe or disrespected, you don’t need to be around this person. If O is using violent, transphobic language, no one needs to be exposed to that, especially if it directly affects them.
You cannot make that call for L, though. If you think they are in an abusive relationship, you can let them know that you’re concerned, but you can’t do much more than that. It can be hard to take distance from someone you care about, but if they insist on bringing negativity, drama, and toxic people into your life, that’s what you need to do.
Do not set ultimatums or make demands: “You have to break up with O if you want to stay close to me.” You can’t use your choices to control other people. Frame it like this instead: “I can’t be around this situation, and since you’re part of this situation right now, I can’t be around you.” L can do what they think is best with that information.
You may know what you want to say to L about O, but recognize that there are no magic words to convince someone else to see things your way. L might not agree that O is abusive, or L might not feel that O’s political beliefs warrant cutting O off. Go into it as a way to get things off your chest, not as a project to change L’s mind. You cannot be, and are not, responsible for L’s perspective or choices.
Focus instead on the people who are healthy and safe for you right now. You, your metamour, and your partner seem to be a united front on this, so invest in those relationships rather than taking on the futile endeavor that is “fixing” O’s politics or L’s perspective on the situation to align with yours.
Can you be in a poly relationship if the person’s partner hates the 3rd party that’s coming into the relationship
Well, to be fair, you can do anything you want. It might not be wise, or responsible, or healthy, but there are no Polyamory Police who will forcibly prevent you.
Should you? Probably not. If you mean “coming into the relationship” to be that the 3rd party is somehow dating both existing partners, one of whom hates them…then no, that doesn’t really work. Don’t date someone you hate. Don’t date someone who hates you. That’s not a relationship, it’s some sort of weird emotional hostage situation.
If you just mean Person A is dating Person B, and Person A also wants to date Person C, but Person B hates Person C, that is possible, but opens you up to plenty of drama nonetheless. In theory, if Person A kept their relationship with Person C from affecting their relationship with Person B - say, maybe, Person A was an airline pilot and their partners lived in different cities, that might work. But barring some unique circumstances, it would be pretty hard.
You’d need to think about:
Why one partner hates the new person. If that person thinks they are abusive, dangerous, or threatening, that’s something to take strongly into consideration. If one person is violent, racist, sexist, intolerant, or actively hurtful or hateful, it’s probably best not to date them. But if the “hatred” stems from some previous drama that involved other people, or simply incompatible personalities that are independently perfectly charming, that’s a different story.
How to navigate the relationship. Can the two simply not be in a room together? That can be an issue when it comes to shared friendships, parties, holidays, etc. Will one or both partners cultivate shame, guilt, secrecy, and other nastiness by refusing to hear about or support their partner’s relationship? Or do they just prefer not to have much to do with each other and are happy to maintain a cool civility when their orbits intersect?
It’s ultimately up to the people involved. Weigh the potential risks and rewards, communicate openly with everyone involved, and handle conflict like a grownup.
So i am about to move me and my family to virginia from oklahoma and i’m not having any luck with finding a poly community that isn’t nation wide. I don’t do well in long distance relationships but cant seem to find anything local for the area
In my many moves around the country and the world, I’ve found that most awesome, local communities, event spaces, meetup groups, and other things tend not to maintain a strong online presence. It takes time and work and expertise to manage a website, an online calendar of events, etc. and so what could be a vibrant, thriving community seems non-existent to people who haven’t stumbled across it in real life.
So if you haven’t moved yet, I would caution you not to worry just yet about not being able to find anything. Once you get there, it will be easier to suss out whether the poly community is truly absent or just hard to find from Virginia. It always takes a while to find your people in a new city, even when that’s a major priority. It sucks, but giving up early is a surefire way to never find it.
Once you get there, consider checking out:
Online, check out the website Meetup.com and potentially the local subreddit for whatever area you’ll be in.
Good luck! I know this frustration very well, and it can be so painful and isolating. But keep at it, and you’ll find your people!
I went on a date with a guy and we hit it off and we’ve been talking since. I asked him what we are (bc I’m not sure what to tell people), and he said he wasn’t sure but thought it’s “casual.” What does this mean?
I have no idea what this individual person meant, because I am not him, and I am not psychic! The best way to find out what he means by “casual” is to ask him! You can text him or ask him in person something like “Hey, you said that whatever we have together right now is “casual,” and I just want to check in to make sure we both have the same idea of what that means.”
Then, ask a specific question about whatever you’re wondering about: “Does that mean you’re seeing other people and don’t mind if I do the same?” or “Do you expect things to stay “casual” between us, or do you see this getting more serious if we continue to hit it off?” or whatever else is especially unclear to you.
And, if this guy freaks out or balks or is evasive when you ask him a very simple question that boils down to: “What do you expect from me, and what can/can’t I expect from you?” then stop seeing him, because he does not have the basic communication skills and self-knowledge to be healthy to date.
one of my partners and I broke up a little while ago. I feel like she is doing so much better at finding happiness especially with herself while I have had like 2 good days in about 2 months. Am I weird for taking so much time and still struggling?
Two months is not a long time to get over a breakup, so don’t beat yourself up for still feeling down. There is no “weird” or “normal” way to grieve the loss of a relationship.
Remember that “we see other people’s Highlight Reels, but we see our own Behind the Scenes.” Especially if you’re getting this information mostly through social media or what she chooses to put out there, you are definitely not getting the whole picture. People do a good job of sending the message that “I am so happy with my life and myself!!!” when they are in control of what gets shared. Here is a powerful article about this (tw suicide mention). So don’t compare your day-to-day, internal struggles with the momentary victories she chooses to share.
It may also be true that she is having an easier time finding joy and confidence after the breakup than you. That’s also okay! People are different. Instead of feeling like you’re “failing” in comparison to her, try to focus on yourself instead. Are you better now than you were two months ago? Some things to try:
You will get through this, I promise! Sometimes things just feel bad. It sucks, but it’s part of being a person who has relationships and feelings and life.
reminder that if you could use a girly care package, i still have boatloads of stuff, let me know where to send it and what you’d like! giveaway post here
I think I might be poly and I’ve mentioned it to my boyfriend before and he’s really against me being with anyone else cause he gets really upset and I just don’t know what to do because I think I would be happier if we had an open relationship but I really don’t want to hurt him
There are no magical words to say to someone who is “really against” polyamory to suddenly change their mind, unfortunately. Your boyfriend has every right to refuse to be in an open or polyamorous relationship. That means you have a choice to make: stay with your boyfriend and be monogamous, or leave your boyfriend to pursue a polyamorous relationship. Both require a sacrifice.
Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we can’t get 100% of what we want. You don’t want to hurt him, but you also don’t want to stay in a monogamous relationship. Only you can make the call between those two - but it doesn’t sound like there’s a way to get out of making that call.