Poly Advice Femme Stuff Giveaway

Hi friends and followers,

I am in the midst of a big life transition and am clearing out a bunch of belongings I don’t want or need anymore. A lot of it is very feminine stuff that I bought under the delusion that I’d someday end up as the kind of woman who wears makeup every day or accessorizes every outfit, and now I’ve decided to be honest with myself and get rid of it and embrace my dgaf-self.

I would love for this stuff to go to femme/female identifying friends who could use a boost of girly self-care and luxury but have social or financial barriers to getting them. Especially trans women (and anyone who is femme-of-center) who may have been left out of the holiday influx of generically girly treats, or need some extra pick-me-up after a tough holiday season, or can’t afford a bunch of makeup, or need some let’s-do-our-nails-together sisterhood, etc.

I have:

  • Unused/unopened nail polishes (all from a vegan company)
  • Unused/unopened makeup (all from a vegan company)
  • Jewelry (mostly necklaces)
  • A few purses 
  • Some random unused lotions/hair stuff/bath stuff/samples/etc

Note that I am a white person with brown hair and hazel eyes, so I cannot promise that if you have different hair or skin tones, these will all work for you! If I was collecting stuff for a giveaway, it would be more diverse, but I got it all for myself, so I’m really sorry about any lack of inclusivity!

If you are:

  1. Anyone whose life would be improved by a girly care package
  2. Unable to “treat yo self” to said fun girly stuff due to any manner of crappy circumstances

then send me an email at polyamoryadvice [at] gmail [dot] com letting me know:

  • Your preferences for types of stuff and colors to get (I cannot make any promises!)
  • Where to mail it to

I am not trying to get into a whole thing of auditing who “deserves” to get this financially or policing people’s identity. You don’t need to explain or prove to me that you’re in a tough spot! Just let me know what to send where and I’ll do my best to send some love your way. Of course, if you want a more personalized package or note, you can tell me about yourself anyway :)

Feel free to signal boost, but know that I have thousands of readers and a limited amount of girly stuff, so I will make a second post once I’ve gotten enough emails that I can no longer give any more away!

My partner and I were in a relationship with another couple. But things got awkward and we split up. Even though it was months ago i still miss them. Some days it hurts so much. Will i ever get over it?

Short answer: Yes, you will get over it. Breakups hurt. Loss hurts. “Months” is not a very long time to expect total healing after a breakup. I ended a relationship of 6 years in September, and facing the first holiday season without him is a bummer. I still get pangs of sadness and miss a partner I broke up with in 2011 (he was pretty great). But the pain fades. No grief remains permanently unbearable.

Find ways to help yourself ride through the sadness. Let your partner know that you’re really missing your exes. Binge on Netflix. Eat ice cream. Go camping. Do whatever makes you feel happy with the here and now.

You may also want to consider that still missing them so strongly is a signal that it’s worth taking a second crack at making the relationship work. You said it ended because of “awkwardness” - consider talking to your partner about what happened and whether any new strategies or growth/healing in certain areas could help you two overcome the challenges you faced the first time around. It is very rare for me to suggest that the pain of missing an ex or former relationship is a signal to try and reignite it, and it’s not typically the right interpretation of such feelings, but it is something to think about.

If you find that this kind of pain happens often after loss or disappointment or change, and disrupts your life or goes on longer than you feel is reasonable for you to live your best life, consider talking to a mental health professional.

I don’t usually respond to comments on my posts, or get defensive about people who challenge or contradict my advice - but in cases where someone is telling my audience that my advice is “quite misinformed” and not to take or spread it, then goes on to share misinformation themselves, I think I have a responsibility to respond. I have also turned off replies from people I don’t follow, because I would prefer not to have information attached to my content that I don’t stand behind.

From a reply to my post about herpes:

As someone who actually has herpes and a former sex worker, this answer is actually quite misinformed. I have attempted to message the person and advise them otherwise, but it is all blocked off or there is extreme limitations. Do not reblog this. You need to speak to a sexual health doctor. Most regular doctors dont take herpes seriously. There is also no test for herpes. You can only get tested once you have an outbreak. (You can be blood tested, however most doctors will tell you it is not possible) additionally, it is also extremely painful especially for women, meaning every time you urinate, you pee acid all over the sores. I have gone to the toilet and screamed in complete agony. I’ve gone to doctors who just laugh at me and refuse to help me because there is “nothing else they can do."Also, condoms and antiviral medication do not prevent the spread of herpes, as i have infected my own husband while using both. Additionally, you are mistreated, bullied and abused by people and the media for having herpes. Partners leave over it, some people even refuse to be your friend. Its horrible. As someone in a polyamorous relationship, you need to seek advice from a sexual health clinic, and preferably avoid herpes out of respect for your husbands health :)

First: It is quite easy to contact me through the two channels I have available: messaging me via tumblr or emailing me at polyamoryadvice at gmail dot com. It is impossible to contact the people who message me through my blog, because I publish everything anonymously. This is how almost all advice columns work.

Second: I explicitly say “this is something you need to talk to a healthcare provider about.” I am not sure what you mean by “sexual health doctor” - but my answer includes recommendations for Planned Parenthood and “a sexual health clinic.” I also said that the person with herpes might need to do extra legwork to find the right healthcare professional. I believe I provided safe, useful information about whether the people in question should see a doctor, and what kind of doctor.

Third: There absolutely is a test for herpes when there are no symptoms. It is a blood test. You can read about it here and here. This blood test is not part of the standard STI screening, but it is entirely possible for this person who is concerned about her possible exposure to herpes to request that test. Please do not tell people that there is no test for herpes - I stand by my continued stance that poly people should get frequent STI screenings. 

Fourth: Condoms and antiviral medication do help prevent the spread of herpes. Condoms are not 100%, but they reduce the risk, especially when it comes to preventing women from getting the virus from male partners. While antiviral drugs are not a 100% sure bet, they are effective at reducing the risk of transmission. You can read about one study here. I am sorry to hear that your husband got the virus from you - but one anecdote is not a good reason to disavow advice about safe, effective, and useful methods like barriers and medications.

Fifth: I believe I did advise the person writing me to “preferably avoid herpes.” They asked me for tips about preventing risk to their other partners, and for advice about disclosure within the network, and I did my best to give them that advice. I try to answer the questions people ask, not push them toward what I think is best for them from my perspective. I do not believe it is my place to tell this person to immediately cease their relationship with their partner who has herpes.

Sixth: I am sorry to hear that you have faced bullying and abuse. Herpes is unfortunately stigmatized in today’s society. I tried to do my part to fight that stigma in my column by treating herpes not as a death knell for that relationship or a Terrible Monster To Be Afraid Of, but a medical concern approachable with the right healthcare and communication. I did mention that the partner with herpes might need to take some extra effort to find the right doctor. I linked the OJST comic on herpes because I think it does a good job breaking down some of the myths, and the article on asymptomatic testing because it also discusses the anxiety and stigma surrounding herpes. But the person writing to me did not ask about the potential consequences of contracting herpes, and I feel like I would have actually contributed to the stigma by focusing on the fear aspect when it wasn’t mentioned in the original letter.

Do you or any of your readers have any resources you can recommend related to open relationships and STI’s? I’m sure you’re not a medical expert but I’m hoping you can point me in the right direction. I am married and currently seeing a new partner that I would like to start a sexual relationship with. He informed me that he has herpes. I can find plenty of information online regarding my risk of contracting it, but I’m wondering about the risk to my current partner & any future partners. I’m also wondering about what level of disclosure is appropriate - do I need to tell any future partners I have a partner with an STI? Does my husband need to tell his partners he has a partner that has a partner with an STI? Etc. I’d appreciate any advice you can give on this topic.

First of all, you and your partner sound like awesome people. STIs are just part of life as sexual beings, and being honest and responsible about them is hard, but hugely necessary. Being poly means having annoying conversations with our partners and our doctors, and being willing to deal with that - wanting to do the responsible thing, asking questions, considering the needs of other partners - is the absolute right thing to do, even when it’s not the most fun. So, kudos for being awesome and responsible and looking out for yourselves and each other.

The first thing is your partner needs to talk to his healthcare provider about options for him and his partners to minimize the risk of infection. Being a poly person with an STI means he might need to do some extra legwork to find the right healthcare provider for him who can understand his needs and help him make the right choices, but it’s work worth doing.

As for who has an obligation to disclose, I think honesty is the best, and ethical, policy here. You should get tested every 3 months (I believe that’s the current recommendation - talk to your healthcare provider as well), so you can say: “there’s a chance I have been exposed to herpes, though I currently test negative for it.” That lets your partners make the choice for themselves as to whether or not they want to take the (small but not non-existent) risk of exposing themselves. People may have immune conditions or other considerations that make them more or less willing to take that risk, and they deserve the chance to make an informed decision. 

I am not a medical professional, so I can’t say how minuscule the chance is that if you test negative and your husband tests negative, he might have been exposed anyway. That is something you should talk to a healthcare provider about. If I was setting the ethical standard for the universe, I would say that he should disclose as well: “I and my partner test negative, but there is a tiny chance I may have been exposed to herpes” - just because, again, his partners might have considerations that mean they don’t want to take even the tiniest risk. But on the other hand, one could argue that if the risk really is negligible, perhaps introducing something that is so stigmatized and bringing that kind of anxiety where it doesn’t need to be does more harm than good. Here is an article about the ethics of testing for herpes in asymptomatic people.

Your husband could ask: if you had a partner who had a partner who had a partner with herpes, would you want to know? But that’s the kind of “hypothetical” that sets off alarm bells and if their answer is “nah, not really, it would stress me out without any real risk” you’ve still basically informed them, which defeats the point of asking. 

One could also make the argument that nearly anyone who is sexually active - even people who are generally monogamous but not currently monogamously dating and therefore having multiple partners - has almost definitely been in a situation where they slept with someone who had slept with someone who had slept with someone who had an STI. It’s worth considering how far back into your network you have a right to know and a need to disclose, as long as you’re getting regularly tested and know and disclose your own status. This is, ultimately, a personal decision to be made with your healthcare provider and partner network. 

If you want to get more thoughts, you could talk to someone at Planned Parenthood for more advice, or talk to someone at Scarleteen (not just for teens!). Many health insurance providers also give you the number of a nurse hotline you can call to ask a medical professional questions, and a sexual health clinic in your area can also be a great resource!

Also, this doesn’t have any real relevance to your question, but I absolutely love Erika Moen, so here is her Oh Joy Sex Toy comic about herpes.

I’m a young lesbian woman and I’ve started seeing a woman who is in a longterm 7 relationship with her boyfriend. They live together and opened up their relationship a few years ago when she realized she’s bisexual. They have a lot of problems in their relationship, which she has told me about from the beginning. She has said that I am fulfilling a lot of the epic fulfillment holes that she has with him. I’m concerned about starting something with someone who has a lot of problems in their relationship. I feel like she is looking towards polyamory as a solution to the problems in her relationship. I feel like this could be something significant with her, but am not sure if I should head into this. She also has really limited time, much more so than me, because of life and this other relationship. Only a few hours a week doesn’t feel enough to continue the intimacy we’ve been experiencing, much less deepen it. Just looking for some honest advice on things I should be thinking about and the things she and I should maybe be talking about.

If I were you, I would be thinking about:

-How entangled you want to get with a relationship that you know already has a lot of problems. It’s fine if you see yourself as relatively drama-proof and able to keep someone in your orbit without getting dragged into their drama. But if you’re nervous about how her issues with her boyfriend will affect you, think clearly about what your dealbreakers are and how you’ll communicate your limits to her. 

-How disappointed you’ll be if things don’t become “significant” with her. It sounds like she doesn’t have the kind of time you want a partner to invest, and it sounds like she may have some drama and existing issues holding her back from a deep connection with you. Would you be okay with seeing her as a low-key fling, or would you feel resentful and let down if you don’t get everything you want in a relationship from her? If you know that you would be unhappy dating her on less significant terms, you need to let her know up front and be prepared to walk away if she can’t give you want you need.

-How okay you are with being used to “fill epic fulfillment holes” in her relationship. What if her boyfriend wants her to stop seeing other people so they can re-try monogamy? What if she treats you more like a way to get her needs met and less like an equal partner? It is totally okay to get into an arrangement like that if you go in clear-eyed and realistically honest with yourself about what your expectations are, and if you trust future-you enough to walk out of a bad situation if you encounter a dealbreaker.

Basically: trust future-you to look after you, and commit to present-you to be firm and responsible. Know going forward what you will and won’t tolerate, and commit to leaving if you are faced with one. Know what you hope to get out of this relationship, and if you don’t get it, leave. As soon as things stop working for you, leave. Don’t let affection, great sex, drama, or anything else keep you stuck in a situation you are done being in. Be as clear with her about what your expectations and dealbreakers are, and give her space to be honest with you about hers as well.

I’m a mono man and have been in a mono relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months. 2 months ago I moved in with him. I am demisexual but also have a very low sex drive. At first this wasn’t an issue, but recently it has been brought to my attention that it bothers my boyfriend. Last week he told me that he is polyamorous, and would like to have sex with other people when I can’t perform. I have very bad paranoia and anxiety, and am mentally ill. I am terrified that if he gets into a romantic relationship with someone else, he will leave me. I have a fear of abandonment and its hurting me deep down. He’s already started talking to other people, but hides it from me, like its a bad thing. He keeps telling me I “just need to be poly too” but it doesn’t work in my head like that. I can’t expect him to just be okay with my low sex drive, but I just want him to be happy and us to have a healthy relationship. What should I do?

You need to talk to your mental health care provider - whoever diagnosed you with your mental illness or whoever you are working on it with - about this situation as soon as possible. If you don’t have one, you need to find one asap. Having very bad paranoia and anxiety really sucks and can make navigating relationships extra hard, and it means you need to do extra work to manage your illnesses in the context of a relationship. There may be strategies you can use to help minimize the paranoid and anxious thoughts and help you cope with the fear of abandonment.

You need to consider what you are and are not willing to do, and then set those boundaries, and then accept the consequences of those boundaries. Maybe you, being mono, simply cannot date someone who is poly. That is totally fine, and totally fair, and it means you need to leave this relationship. You always have the right to leave a relationship once you realize it’s not working out for you - that is the entire point of dating.

Maybe you are okay with your partner having sex with other people, but you need certain things from him to be okay with it. Figure out what those things are, then let him know. If he agrees to those things, great! If he cannot or will not agree to those things, then you have collected the information you need to recognize that this relationship isn’t working for you - again, the entire point of dating, learning your needs, and articulating them. 

I would caution you about a few red flags in your letter: the fact that he wants to see other people “when you can’t perform” makes it sound like he’s framing it as a failure on your part and like he needs to have other people “make up for” something lacking in your relationship. That is not a healthy framing of it - consider talking to him and your therapist about some more positive, healthy ways to think and talk about polyamorous arrangement between you two. Let him know that how he talks about this can go a long way toward alleviating or exacerbating your paranoia, anxiety, and fears. 

Another red flag: that he is talking to other people but hiding it from you. That blurs the line of consent, which brings it closer to cheating than an open relationship. You two need to start this journey from a place of openness and trust, and if he refuses to do that, or if you cannot safely hear him out about his needs and desires, you two need to end this relationship. 

Another red flag: that he tells you you “just need to be poly too.” That is dismissive of your mono self and overly demanding on his part. If you don’t feel like he’s respectfully and openly hearing you out, if you feel like he’s just insisting that you stop feeling your feelings so he doesn’t have to attend to them, he is not healthy to be dating and you need to end this relationship.

Finally, I do not know your circumstances and I can certainly say that moving quickly has worked for plenty of relationships in the past - but moving in with someone after dating someone for 4 months is a pretty big risk. Consider thinking about, and talking with your therapist about, the reasons you made that choice, whether you feel that choice was made from a healthy place, and how you can break patterns that have gotten you into hard situations in the past. Do not let yourself believe that you are stuck with this relationship or owe it to him to work things out on his terms just because you live together now. Moving sucks, but staying in a relationship that isn’t working sucks way worse and sucks for way longer. 

My boyfriend is seeing this girl who I really dislike. I’ve told him I don’t like her and I wish he wouldn’t be seeing her. He tells me it’s just sex but he’s also told me I have no right to tell him who he can and cannot date or who he can or cannot sleep with. He even told me he cares more about sex than my opinion which really hurt me. I don’t know what I should do because I feel if I say anything more I will lose him but I’m really hurt by all this.

He told you he cares more about sex than your opinion, and he has made you feel like if you voice any issues you will lose him? That is not a safe or healthy relationship. This is not about whether and how to implement veto powers in a polyamorous relationship - this is about disrespect and cruelty.

You should always feel like you can share your needs with a partner - you do not have the right to demand that they always change to accommodate them, but you do have the right to voice them. A person who makes you fearful of doing that by using implicit or explicit threats to leave and withholding their affection is dangerous and unhealthy. 

You should always feel respected and cared for in a relationship - that does not always mean you get your way, but that your perspective is heard and considered. A person who flat out tells you they do not care about your opinion as compared to their own desires is dangerous and unhealthy.

Stop dating this person. It doesn’t matter who else he is sleeping with or how you feel about them. It does matter how he is treating you: completely inappropriately and unfairly. Run. 

She loves me. She loves me too. Only one of them would be okay with me having two girlfriends but i love them both the same and the other one is not okay with me dating both, please help

You have a hard but necessary choice to make. It sounds like there is no way you can date both of them at the same time, since one of them needs a monogamous relationship. Your choices are:

  • Date one of them monogamously, forgoing a dating relationship with the other person
  • Date one of them polyamorously, forgoing a dating relationship with the other person but leaving yourself open to future poly partners
  • Date neither of them (which is always and forever an option in all situations)

All choices require a sacrifice, but all come with a benefit as well. You need to think about what’s best for you right now, then make the call. No one else can make that choice for you. 

Is it selfish of me to get upset when my partner uses some of our inside jokes with his other partners? Or when he tries to do things with me that he’s already done with them? I just want to have something special with him that’s between just us but it seems everything we have is shared with everyone else as well and it’s kind of upsetting to me because I feel there’s nothing special about me that would make him keep me around if he can do it with everyone else?

Have you told him you feel this way? It is perfectly fine to want something that’s just between you two - in fact, I am careful to cultivate inside jokes, pet names, traditions, etc. with individual partners that I don’t share outside that relationship.

(This has led to some entertaining poly-confusion: I only use the term “boo” with one of my partners. One day he asked me what I was up to on Friday, and I said, “hanging with my boo,” as a cutesy way to say, “I didn’t have plans, but now I’m setting that time aside for you!” But he didn’t know I had kept that term private between us, so he thought I meant “hanging with my other partner.” Friday came around and I thought we were on to hang out, but he had made other plans since he thought I was busy! Moral of the story is, if something is special with one partner…make sure everyone’s on the same page.)

My suggestion is to sit him and and say “hey, it’s not that I’m trying to put limits on your other relationships, but it would make me really happy to have something that was just special between us. Could we set up a tradition that you don’t share with anyone else?” If he says sure, then brainstorm together what that might be! You could also mention past examples of inside jokes he brought other people into, and gently ask if maybe he could keep things like that more intimate. 

If he gets defensive or accuses you of being too sensitive or controlling, take a big step back from this and think about whether this is working out for you. Requests like this are common and healthy and a major part of the open communication that makes poly relationships function. We are all human, and if what it takes to make us feel loved, respected, and special is a little compromise on a partner’s part, that’s a very reasonable request. You’re doing the right thing by being open and honest about it rather than passively resentful - so he should respond in kind.

I’m sorry but I just… don’t get polyamory???? I’m trying to tho, I really am. But just… could you explain why you’d feel the need to be in a relationship with someone else, while you’re in a relationship with someone even tho you’re happy with them, and completely satisfied?

The best way I’ve found to explain it is in metaphors: you might want to have mashed potatoes with your steak. Even though the steak on its own is delicious and satisfying as a steak, there’s plenty of room to enjoy other flavors and foods as well. Wanting potatoes doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong or lacking about the steak, but just having steak is less appealing to some people than steak and potatoes.

Even if you have the best bed in the world, and your dream car, you still want to have both - your bed being an awesome bed doesn’t mean you don’t need a car, and your car being spectacular as a car doesn’t mean it works well as a bed. 

Most people like having more than one friend, even though all their friendships independently are happy and satisfying - because people are multifaceted and it’s rare to find one human who meets 100% of your needs 100% of the time. You can have positive, loving, happy, satisfying relationships with multiple siblings and both parents - polyamory is an extension of this concept, that love is not “zero-sum” and that loving one person doesn’t make it impossible to love someone else too.

But to be totally honest, questions like this make me wonder whether we as a culture need to get better at seeing the value in things we don’t necessarily want for ourselves. I really, really hate working out. I don’t see any of the appeal in it; and I especially hate running. But I have friends who run miles every day and run marathons. I understand intellectually that they get something positive out of it, that it works for them. I can’t comprehend personally how any of that is enjoyable, but I can accept that it is, for someone who is not me. I personally don’t get why a person willingly endures that, but I do get that plenty of people do, and it’s okay for people to be different from me.

I can completely accept the validity of lesbianism, even though I am a woman who is very straight and don’t really “get” the appeal of having sex with another woman. I don’t demand that lesbians explain to me how it works that they’re into women; I don’t refuse to accept something unless I myself “get” it. I don’t conflate my own interest in something with that thing’s fundamental value.

So my recommendation to you is to ask yourself why it’s important to you to “get” polyamory. Is it enough to accept that other people have perspectives, desires, and feelings that differ from yours? Can you let yourself understand intellectually that this is just another way of being a person, even if you yourself have never felt that “need”? 

If there are polyamorous people in your life and you’re struggling to come to terms with their choices, try and remember that you don’t need to feel the same way as them for you to respect, honor, and value them - just like I don’t have to fully grasp what is fun about running to support my marathon-running friends. If someone in your life is trying to pressure you into a polyamorous mindset or relationship, know that you don’t need to change who you are or think yourself into being someone that you’re not. It is enough to be yourself and let others be themselves.

P.S. I know working out is very good for you and I really do my best please do not send well-intentioned suggestions about yoga or crossfit or couch-to-5k :) 

A couple years ago I started flirting with a friend, which then turned into a sexual relationship. I tried to explain that what I was looking for in the relationship was something more than just casual sex but less than formal dating. He was going through a lot of life-changing stuff at the time and I don’t really know if he understood or really listened to what I was trying to say. I know that he has had multiple partners (I have not) and I found out recently that he has a girlfriend now and they are in an open relationship; we have had sex since they started dating. I asked him outright about having other partners and he tried to evade the question and he hasn’t come forward about having the girlfriend - I found out via her facebook. I’m not really sure what to do with this situation: I don’t like the vague dishonesty, but we’ve never had an open, frank talk about expectations for what we have going. I’m worried that if I mention the girlfriend that he’ll get defensive about it when I’m not upset about them dating, just that he wasn’t honest in the first place. I would like to keep the relationship going as it’s been really good for me, but my friends tell me I should move on… Any advice you give would be very helpful.

Fact one: When you told this person what you needed from the relationship, you are not sure if he “understood or really listened.”

Fact two: When you ask him for openness and honesty, he “tries to evade the question.”

Fact three: You don’t feel like you can talk about your need for openness and honesty without him getting “defensive.”

Fact four: You don’t like the “vague dishonesty” this person employs in your relationship.

Fact five: Your friends don’t think this guy is good for you to be dating.

1+1+1+1+1 = end this relationship. Whatever is fun and good about the sex and the companionship, you can find elsewhere without dealing with someone who won’t listen to you, is dishonest, and treats you in a way you friends don’t think you should tolerate.

If you’re committed to giving it one last chance, sit him down and try to have an open, frank talk about expectations. Ask him what’s going on, why he’s been evasive, and tell him that you don’t want him hiding parts of his life from you. If his response is anything but clear, apologetic commitment to stop being vague and dishonest immediately, end. this. relationship.

FAQ: Is there a limit to how many people can be involved in a polyamorous relationship or network?

No. As long as your emotional energy and physical safety are not compromised by your arrangement, you’re fine. Some people find their time and energy stretched thin by having two partners; some people juggle six or more partners and an active dating life with ease! Everyone is different, so don’t make assumptions about your own needs based on what you see other people doing.

Neither closed/polyfidelitous relationships nor extended poly networks have a set numerical limit on them. The circumstances and realities of each individual person’s life, schedule, emotional needs, and other things all come into play, and each situation is different.

The bigger your poly network or polycule, the more important it is to keep the lines of communication open about issues of safety:

  • Everyone should know and disclose their STI status to their partners. That means getting tested regularly!
  • Everyone should know and enforce their own boundaries about safe sex, and disrespecting or pushing those boundaries should not be tolerated.
  • If things like BDSM/kink are being engaged with, everyone should be clear about their philosophies, methods, and risk tolerances.
  • If there is a dangerous person anywhere in the network - an abusive partner, a stalker ex, a threatening family member - people in the network deserve the honesty and resources to manage this safely and with minimal drama. 

In this, as in all other things, the key is to know yourself and your needs so you can advocate for them, and know your partners and their needs so you can grow together and love each other in a healthy way. 

Previously answered questions on this:

Hi, I wanted to know if 5/6 people can go in a polyamorous relationship together? It seems like most of the time it’s just quads.

I answered a very similar question here - check it out!  In short: absolutely, 5 or 6 people can definitely choose to date each other.

There is no scientific or sociological limiter on what can and cannot be a polyamorous relationship. No sexuality scientist cut open a brain and found the Official Neurological Poly Relationship Spots and determined that they are biologically limited to four or fewer. That just isn’t how any of this works!

You don’t need my permission or anyone else’s rubber stamp to do what you want to do. Just do what is healthy and fulfilling for you. Know your boundaries, communicate them, and stick to them. Clarify your needs. Meet your partners’ needs when you can, and when you can’t, communicate about it. Any number of people in any configuration can do that!

FAQ: My partner wants to try polyamory, but I don't. What should I do?

I often get questions from people who are monogamous and trying to handle their partner being or coming out as polyamorous.

If you really don’t want this:

If you’re in a situation where you are swallowing feelings of abandonment, shame, jealousy, loneliness, anger, betrayal, or something else while your partner dates other people, consider leaving or changing the terms of the relationship. You do not have to be, and should not be, in a relationship that makes you feel unhappy. There is a time and a place to compromise or sacrifice for someone you love, but never compromise or sacrifice your own mental health. 

It is okay to tell your partner that you don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship. If they are not willing to be in a monogamous relationship, then you two are at an impasse. It sucks, but relationships break up every day because partners realize that they are incompatible or simply want different things out of the relationship. That’s the point of dating - to learn what you want, what you don’t want, and how to find it!

If you’re unsure or uncomfortable, but willing to try it:

If you feel that you could be satisfied in a polyamorous relationship once a certain situation was resolved, or you are trying to work through a specific issue, concern, or fear that is holding you back from being happy, healthy, and fulfilled in a non-monogamous relationship, think about steps you can take to meet that need. That could be life coaching or therapy (individually or with your partner), taking concrete steps to get introduced to the poly world, setting a schedule of dates and check-ins with your partner, etc. Take the time to identify what you need to be okay with this change, then communicate that need to your partner.

If you feel ignored or pressured, or like your partner refuses to work with you after you identify your own needs, it may not be a healthy relationship to stay in. Remember that being poly is not an obligation you have to your partner. It is not a better way to be, or a more “enlightened” state you could definitely reach if you just listened to the right arguments and did enough self-work. It is okay to have a hard time, and it is okay to decide that polyamory isn’t right for you.

Previous questions on this topic:

Other resources:

FAQ: I want to try polyamory, but my partner doesn’t. What should I do?

II would say that the most common question I get on this blog, by far, is a variation of this: “I’ve been dating my partner monogamously for a while now. I care about them very much, but I’ve realized that I want to try out an open or polyamorous relationship. My partner does not want to. I don’t want to leave or hurt my partner, but I also don’t want to stay monogamous. What should I do?”

In some cases, the monogamous partner’s reluctance stems from a specific issue that can be addressed. In those cases, I try to give advice about how to address that specific issue with gentleness, honesty, and growth in mind.

In some cases, the person writing to me hasn’t ever broached the topic with their partner, but just assumes their partner wouldn’t be okay with it. In those cases, I advise them to communicate their desires and hopes with their partner, then take action based on the partner’s response rather than an assumption.

In some cases, it is the appearance of a new potential partner that has spurred someone’s interest in polyamory. My advice there is to be very careful about keeping desires separate: “I want to date this specific person” and “I want to have the opportunity to date polyamorously” are very different things. Conflating them and assuming that pursuing one goal means pursuing the other as well can cause serious conflict. Identify what your specific desire is, and work from there.

In all cases, it is an unfortunate fact that sometimes, relationships just don’t work out because you discover that you want different things. It is okay to leave a relationship to pursue something else. It is also okay to stay in a relationship that isn’t perfect - sacrifice and compromise are often required of us when we love someone. Whatever choice you make, it’s important to make it with clear eyes and a commitment to making it work. You can always change your mind, of course; but don’t live with one foot in and one foot out. Don’t lie to yourself and pretend your partner may “come around in time.” Whatever you’re doing at the time, do that with your whole self.

It is never okay to pressure or badger someone into doing something they don’t want to do. If your partner doesn’t want to try polyamory or an open relationship, they can say no. And no means no. It is not your fault for failing to explain it to them correctly; it is not a matter of finding the right argument to convince them. Looking for the secret magic trick to changing your partner’s mind is not the way to go about it. It is okay to ask them why they don’t want to try polyamory and to discuss together whether any of those reasons can be overcome, but that should be a mutual process, not you trying to push them into a place they don’t want to be.

Previous posts on this topic:

I want to ask you about transitioning from a poly partner to marriage. We’ve only been dating for 6 months and we’re nowhere near the state of marriage. Especially since she’s moving away soon. But I really want to marry her. I’ve come to terms with our polyamory. I’m very new to it and this is my first healthy polyamorous relationship. My partner’s partner is awesome and respectful and great! And of course deserves love! My partner is fucking amazing and I want to marry her! I guess we need to talk about things. I don’t want to be like, “if we get married then we have to be monogamous.” Cause that’s just toxic! But I just don’t know what a polyamorous marriage would look like. 

It all comes down to what marriage means to you. If you see it as a “next step” of commitment - you go from dating to living together to engaged to married - that’s very different than seeing it as a legal/economic shift. 

It is illegal in all states to marry more than one person; it is illegal in many states to be legally married to someone but “live as if married” with someone else. So if you what you want is a legal document giving you certain rights when it comes to taxes, healthcare, etc. then you’ll need to “choose” someone to marry - but that doesn’t mean the people who are married can’t make it to the emotional commitment level of “married” with anyone else; it just means they can’t legally marry.

So if you’re concerned about the emotional trappings of marriage - new titles, a new level of commitment, vows spoken, a wedding ceremony - talk about that. Do you believe doing that with one person precludes either of you from getting there with someone else? Why or why not? Talk about what marriage means to you, and how you see that in your future. Talk about how you expect that to impact other relationships. Talk about your hopes, dreams, and definitions of marriage.

If you’re concerned about the legal aspect, talk about that. Do you, your partner, or your partner’s partner own property, hold a job, have healthcare needs, or have any other extenuating circumstance that would make a legal marriage an especially good or bad idea? Do you have concerns about child custody, estate planning, taxes, or similar issues? Do you feel that a non-legally-sanctioned “commitment ceremony” is different than an official wedding? Why or why not? 

Figure out what a polyamorous marriage would look like to you, and talk about it with your partner. Carve your own road. Know what you need and advocate for yourself, but be open to hearing other perspectives. Identify what it is that you’re really concerned about - whether it’s what marriage represents to you; or the legal hassle of it all; whether you’re especially concerned about what it will look like to live together or raise children - and focus on that. “Marriage” is too nebulous and vague a concept here, so pin down a definition and figure out what to focus on, then talk it out with yourself and your partners!

I met my boyfriend about half a year ago and when we first got together he and his wife had been separated for a while and they were even possibly getting a divorce. Now, they’re trying to ‘fix’ things and he’s told me we’re going to have to break up but every-time we do he comes back and asks me not to leave. I love him very much and I want to be with him but I’m not sure I should stay with him when his wife does not approve? He’s also been asking me to move in with him but he’s also supposed to be convincing his wife to move back and live with him. So, I’m not sure what I can do? We live long distance and we’ve never really met in person so I’m not sure what there is for me with him anymore. His life seems to be moving forward without me and I try to find myself a place but I just don’t think it exists? What should I do?

Walk away! I try to be a bit more delicate whenever possible, but there is no future for you here. Your boyfriend has made it clear that he is not going to commit to you, not going to stick to his word, and is going to keep digging himself deeper in this pit of drama and emotional messiness. Do not follow him down there.

You’ve only been together for 6 months, and you’ve never really met in person - this is going to be a relatively clean break, compared to similar situations I’ve gotten letters about. Leave this guy to his personal disaster and find someone who isn’t going to jerk you around and involve you in an unhealthy marriage and otherwise act like this. You deserve better!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for many years now and I finally came out to him as poly. He told me it was okay to kiss other guys but nothing more sexual and that I could date girls. The problem is, I also just met this guy who I have really great chemistry with. I don’t necessarily want to date him (at least not yet) but I’m feeling really limited because it feels like I’m not even allowed to have feelings for him. I want to respect my boyfriends boundaries but I also want to explore polyamory fully.

First, talk to your boyfriend about where these boundaries come from and see if they can be addressed in more abstract ways rather than explicit rules about what you can and can’t do with your other partners. Many times, these kind of rules dissolve when partners realize that they are trying to protect themselves against a certain feeling, and that can often be addressed with different kind of requests, like setting aside a date night for the two of you every week, committing to regular check-ins, etc.

If he insists on holding to these boundaries, that’s his right. You then have to decide whether you want to stay with this boyfriend under these terms, or leave to explore polyamory on freer terms. Both choices require a pretty big sacrifice, but you’ll need to figure out which is the one most worth making.

My girlfriend likes this girl she works with, and the co-worker likes her back. They’ve talked about dating, but my girlfriend doesn’t think she could handle dating someone who has a child. But I think it’s possible to date someone without becoming a parent to their child (I’m not sure if the co-worker expects her to be a parent or not). They still flirt, and I love seeing how cute they are. I think they’d make each other really happy, and to be honest, it’s hard enough finding someone who is okay with polyamory.

It’s pretty hard to date someone with kids without ending up as some kind of co-parent. Kids can be pretty sensitive to the relationship energies passing through their world, and it’s on the adults to be responsible about that. If your girlfriend is around the kids often, and clearly affectionate to their mom, if she is sleeping over, etc. the kids will expect her to be involved in their lives.

The partner and the parent can try to set clear boundaries: “Elgreth is Mommy’s friend, and she comes over to hang out with Mommy, but she cannot come to your piano recital/does not want to play Barbies/etc.” - but children are a ton of work, and will demand your attention regardless. If you’re dating someone with kids, you need to be present to those kids on some level.

Also, dating someone who is a parent means accepting that the kids take priority and being a grownup about that. Date night might get canceled because the kid just barfed up goldfish crackers all over the couch, so now instead of leaving him with the babysitter to have a nice adult night, you’re getting climbed all over by a potentially-contagious-but-still-rambunctious little one while watching the Minions movie on the floor because the couch is still damp. If you can’t handle how chaotic and demanding kids are - if you’re going to sulk about missing out on the night you have planned - don’t date someone with kids. If your girlfriend has the patience and flexibility to do that, great. But if not, she can’t just opt-out of the whole kids thing. 

Your girlfriend needs to figure out, realistically, what she means by “not willing to co-parent” and whether that is possible when dating someone with kids. Not wanting to take them to doctor appointments or make 3am Walgreens trips for cold medicine is pretty standard for new partners - but wanting to sort of “date around” the kids or being unwilling to include or involve or make concessions for them is unrealistic and impossible.

Your girlfriend should talk to this person who’s interested in her and figure out what the other person’s expectations are as well. Some people with kids see themselves as a package deal and don’t want to bother dating someone who’s iffy on the kids thing. Other people might be fine with a low-key fling where they see each other when the parent is free. In this, as in all things, clear expectations and communication are key.