I’m Panromantic, Asexual, and Poly…is there a more proper way to say that?

Not really, as far as I know, because those words all refer to different aspects of yourself. You could think of them as your romantic orientation, your sexual orientation, and your relationship orientation. If I’m a sister, a writer, and a person who hates tomatoes, there isn’t one word that encapsulates those three traits because they’re all different aspects of myself.

But all words and all concepts were, at some point, invented by someone to reflect something they thought needed a word! So if you want a term that covers multiple aspects of identity, feel free to develop one!

I am struggling find other poly people out there.. is there anyway I can some people who are poly? I am gay, open to a V poly or A homosexual triad.

Here is my FAQ page about that!

Am I Poly or just an ally? I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’m Bisexual and Demiromantic but I don’t feel like I have to limit myself to one person. Is it really possible for me to know if I am without ever being in a relationship and all it entails?

Here’s my FAQ page about that!

I met this guy on OKC and we had a very intense emotional connection and messaged every day and talked about really deep stuff but when we finally met in person I found that I wasn’t attracted to him. I felt awful. I knew he was still attracted to me and all i ended up feeling was anxious. I had a 2 day long anxiety attack and am riddled with guilt because even though he is a great person I just am not attracted to him romantically and I feel awful about it. got any advice or encouragement? Of course I admitted to him that I wasn’t attracted to him but I was really into him before we met so I know even though he was understanding he was also confused. I feel so shallow but I just wasn’t attracted to him physically when we met and I tried to deny it but in the end I know how I feel and despite our deep emotional connection I am just not attracted to him and I just feel so guilty about it. I’m not sure how to calm down. My guilt based anxiety keeps coming in waves because of it.

You are not obligated to be sexually or romantically interested in anyone. Ever. No matter how you met. No matter how well you connect in other areas. Period. End of story.

It can be really frustrating to connect emotionally with someone over messages, then realize that you aren’t physically or sexually into them. I think it’s unfair that our culture conflates those feelings - there are people I have spectacular sexual chemistry with who I don’t click with emotionally; and there are people who meet my emotional and intellectual needs on a deep level, but I don’t want to sleep with them. One thing polyamory and relationship anarchy have helped me do is find the space and the language for different kinds of relationships.

It’s okay to tell this guy that you really enjoy your conversations and would love the opportunity to pursue a friendship based on your connection, but that you aren’t interested in a sexual or romantic relationship. It’s okay for him to say no - he might see online dating exclusively as a way to meet people for sexual/romantic connections. But he might say yes! Either way, neither of you have done anything morally or ethically wrong, you’re just being honest about what you want and whether you can provide what the other person wants.

If this is creating a serious issue for you, it’s okay to take steps to mitigate this in the future. You can take a break from online dating while you work through the underlying causes of this severe anxiety (more on that below). Or, you can add a note to your OKC profile saying that it’s possible for you to meet someone there and discover that you’re better suited to be friends, and that you don’t expect or demand that every OKC connection turns into a sexual/romantic connection. We don’t assume that everyone we get along with well who we meet through work or mutual friends must become a sexual/romantic connection, so we don’t have to make that assumption about OKC as a way to meet people either.

Finally: a two-day-long anxiety attack and continued waves of guilt and anxiety over a social situation like this is not normal, and you deserve help for this. You can get help learning how to set boundaries, identify and meet your own needs, and say no. I don’t know if you identify as female and/or were socialized female, but this is a really common source of pressure and guilt for women and people socialized as women. The world likes to act like we owe men our attention and affection, and like we’re shallow and cruel if we don’t return their sexual interest. That’s garbage, and it’s a lie designed to control us. It can be really hard to find healing and learn to let go of this shame that’s been pressured into us for our entire lives, but there are lots of therapists who specialize in issues like this. Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help.

Hello. I’m fourteen and in a polyamorous relationship (As in, I’m with two people of the same sex as me, and they both know and consent even though they don’t personally have feelings for each other). However, I’ve been seeing articles and such that claim that being poly is a lie and that I should be ashamed of myself for being ‘slutty’. How can I help get those thoughts out of my mind?

First off, stop reading those articles!!! I don’t know where you’re hanging out online or in real life where you’re encountering those attitudes, but start minimizing your exposure to them if at all possible. You are under zero obligation to put yourself in the ‘line of fire’ of statements that make you feel ashamed. If someone is going out of their way to put those ideas in front of you, that person is being cruel and unsafe and you are well within your rights to minimize contact with them, block or unfollow them, etc. 

Second, start filling your mind instead with poly-positivity! Read articles, forums, blogs, and other content that is affirming and healthy for you. Start with some of these links, and branch out from there. If you use tumblr, instagram, reddit, facebook, etc. search for poly-positive tags, groups, and users and create a safe space for yourself! Read books and watch movies that are poly-positive! Check out the resources here to start. 

Third, find ways to help yourself heal from the damage that has already done by those nasty things you read. It is okay to be who you are, and your relationship is not a lie. It is okay to be “slutty,” so if that is something that resonates with you, feel free to take pride, not shame, in that label! But if that doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to completely reject that label. Simply being in a polyamorous relationship does not make you “slutty.” No one else gets to tell you who you are. No one else gets to say that because of your choices or relationships, that you are wrong or bad or should be ashamed. I answered a similar question here, which includes some other suggestions for how to heal from anti-poly and poly-shaming nonsense.

Congrats on finding a relationship that is healthy and happy and working for you! Know that there will always be people out there who disapprove of what you do, whether it’s “getting an art degree” or “adopting a dog from a kill shelter” or “being a millennial” or whatever. The reality is that no matter who you are or what you do, there will always be someone out there writing thinkpieces about how you are bad and wrong for doing whatever it is that you do. Try to let it go. Other people are welcome to have their dumb opinions, but you don’t have to agree or even engage. 

Hi. I’m finding myself going through a severe bout of depression due to being new to polyamory and feeling hopeless about it. I’m married and have an amazing relationship with my husband but I keep finding myself desperately wanting a woman to love and be with sexually. I’m obsessed with the thoughts of being with another woman and have tried to find someone but I can’t seem to get it together. I’m from a small town so meeting a woman who is open to me being married seems like it’s impossible

First off, if you’re dealing with severe depression, please talk to a mental health professional. Realizing new things about yourself, your identity, and your sexuality can create all sorts of stress and anxiety, which is why there are experts who specialize in exactly this sort of thing. Even if there aren’t any in your small town, there are options for online and phone therapy, or peer support in online forums, that you should definitely explore. 

Second, have you talked to your husband about this? That would be the first step. Don’t just assume that these desires you have are totally impossible to ever fulfill. Start by telling your husband that you’re happy and satisfied in your marriage, but have strong desires to explore romance and sexuality with a woman. See what he says and start from there. If you’ve already talked to him about this, tell him about this depression and obsessive thoughts. You two may be able to partner in this and find ways to relieve this frustration in the meantime - sharing sexual fantasies about you being with a woman, supporting you in your dating pursuits, helping you find distractions, etc.

Don’t assume that because of where you life, you’re condemned to a life without an ability to pursue this. Online dating makes it much easier to find people who share your interests, and you might be surprised to discover who else is out there. Remember also that for everyone, even the most hetero-mono folks, dating is hard, and it can take time to find someone. Try not to fall into spirals of anxiety and depression based on your assumptions about what the future is definitely going to be like. Again, therapy can really help with this kind of re-framing.

You’re going to be okay! Knowing what you need is a powerful first step. You can get those needs met, even if it takes some time and creativity. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

I’ve met this guy recently and me and him have became really good friends. I’ve started to like him but I don’t think he likes me because I’m 17 and he’s 25. So he looks at as a friend. Any advice on how how I can maybe change his opinion of me and to not think of the age gap?

Nope, I don’t have that advice, because it doesn’t exist. There is nothing anyone can do to change another person’s thoughts or feelings. You can never argue, cajole, prove or convince someone into having feelings for you, or really anything else. This goes for crushes, coworkers, parents, bosses, siblings, exes, elected officials, clergy, teachers…you see where I’m going.

It’s a tough truth to swallow, but if your problem boils down to “I want someone else to think, feel, or act a different way,” there is no real solution. The only thing we can ultimately control is ourselves. Shifting our perspective to “What can I do to keep myself healthy and safe while this other person makes this choice, has these feelings, or behaves this way" is our best bet for happiness.

Also, that is a pretty serious age gap. A 17 year old is in a different place in life than a 25 year old. You two have different emotional landscapes, different lifestyles, different worlds. It’s okay for him not to want to date you - it would be okay for someone your own age to not want to date you, but since this person is so much older than you, it’s also healthy and responsible on his part.

It sucks when you want something, or someone, that you can’t have. I’ve crushed on and pined after my share of people who simply were not appropriate for me to date, and I know that it’s painful and frustrating. But the solution is not to try and change his mind - it’s to respect his lack of interest. This isn’t the last time you’ll wish you could change someone’s opinion of you, so figure out what you can do for yourself to make it through this.

I’m not sure if you’re the right blog to ask, but I don’t know where else to turn to. I know I’m bisexual because I find both men and women romantically and sexually attractive. However, I find any touch from men (even hugging) disgusting unless they’re related to me. It makes me want to rip my skin off. Could this mean I’m not actually bisexual? I’m so confused.

If you “know you’re bisexual,” then that’s your answer.

It could be that you can aesthetically appreciate men, but don’t actually want to engage with them sexually. It could be that previous negative experiences or trauma have created a sense of disgust around men’s touch. This might be the kind of thing best worked out with a mental health professional who specializes in sexuality and identity, if it’s causing you distress.

It could be that your brain’s ‘wiring’ is bisexual, but the realities of your life mean that you aren’t set up to find touch or sexual attention from men enjoyable. It’s okay to let “nature” and “nurture” coexist - despite my previous use of the metaphor, it’s actually an oversimplification-to-the-point-of-myth to think of brains as ‘wired’ a certain way. 

If you enjoy fantasizing about men sexually, if you enjoy looking at attractive men, if you enjoy porn or erotica including men, awesome - do that! If you don’t enjoy actually having sex with men, that’s fine - don’t do that! Live your best, healthiest, happiest life, and don’t worry so much about what exact labels apply. 

I’m 15 years old and in a polyamorous triad. I recently came out to my mom about it, and I think she’s… really disappointed. She even told me, “I don’t to hear anything about it.” I don’t know what to do anymore. This is tearing me up inside. Do you have any advice on what I should do? I don’t want my mom to ignore this about me, but I don’t want to disappoint her! I’m at the point where I’m wondering if I should break up with my partners

You don’t want your mom to be disappointed with you, or ignore a part of your identity that’s important to you, but I think that falls in the category of “unpleasant things to cope with” rather than “circumstances within your power to change.” Sometimes, “I don’t want this” is a signal that you need to change something. Other times, “I don’t want this” is a signal that you need to figure out how to deal with it. All this to say: your mom’s feelings are something you need the serenity to accept, not something you need the courage to change. And like they say, there is wisdom in knowing the difference. (I wrote about this here.)

If you’re worried about your own safety while you live with your parents, that’s a different issue. But if she’s just using emotional manipulation to make you feel ashamed for who you are and how you live a healthy, fulfilling life with healthy relationships, try to let go of that. She can throw as many tantrums as she wants. It’s your choice to live your own life and be your own person. It’s her choice whether to accept that. You do not exist to please your mother. You are your own person. Don’t break up with your partners just because you living your truth is bumming your mom out.

Same goes for any teenager whose parents are sulking, guilt-tripping, or otherwise engaging in ‘emotional terrorism’ to get you to: stop being gay, grow your hair out, pursue a law degree, tolerate boundary-violations, etc. Now, don’t get me wrong: it’s good to recognize when your actions hurt someone and commit to stopping your hurtful behavior! If someone is upset with you because you violated a boundary or did something hurtful, by all means, apologize and stop doing that thing. But being who you are does not fall under that category. Your relationship doesn’t hurt other people. In this case, her “disappointment” is her problem, not your fault.

I know how painful it can be to feel like you’re responsible for your parent’s emotional wellbeing. I know how strong the sense of obligation is. I know how easily it is to conflate “mom is upset” with “I did something wrong.” But you have not done anything wrong. You’re getting to an age where you’re going to end up making plenty of choices that your parents might not want you to make. It will be emotionally messy, because they will make it emotionally messy. But stand strong. Say “Mom, this is who I am and what makes me happy. I’m sorry to hear that you don’t like it, but this is my choice to make.“ Focus on grieving the fact that you didn’t get a mom who can accept and embrace all of who you are, rather than fighting to change something about her or yourself. 

I’m thinking of entering into my first poly relationship. We’ve had a crazy physical attraction for years that I’ve been trying to avoid until recently. We talk constantly… except its always about sex, even when I try to bring up other topics. I have poly friends, and a lot of them say he isn’t respectful. I have always been interested in the poly lifestyle and I’m worried one bad experience could put me off for life. But I can’t stop thinking about him. Advice please?

It sounds like perhaps this person is a better candidate for a ‘sexy fling’ than a ‘relationship.’ It’s perfectly okay to have really strong sexual chemistry with someone and not otherwise want or need to be in a ‘relationship’ with them. Just because you are really into this person and really enjoy him within the bounds of what you’ve got going on now doesn’t mean you need to expand those bounds or try and stretch the relationship to fill a space it doesn’t really fit. 

You could always bring this up with him: “hey, it feels like all we talk about is sex - and I’m a person who wants to connect on more than one level if I’m going to be with someone, could we tone down the sexting sometimes and chat about something else?” If he responds to that with an open willingness to add other dynamics to your relationship, great! If he seems perfectly happy with a mostly-sex-oriented vibe between you two, decide whether that’s a type of connection you’re okay having.

Hi! My boyfriend just asked me if we could be in a polyamorous relationship, but it seems a bit off. He just wants to have a different sexual partner once in awhile; no romantic ties to anyone but me. Is this a legitimate thing? How do I go about this? I’ve only ever been monogamous and this scares me.

That is a “legitimate” thing, sure! It sounds like perhaps he has the sexual desire and energy for other partners, but not the romantic and emotional energy. Some people aren’t up to raising a puppy and all the challenges of dog ownership themselves, but really like playing with a friend’s dog or volunteering at a shelter! 

If you’re not okay with this, that’s okay - but if you just feel like it shouldn’t be the arrangement, think about why, and where those conclusions are coming from. Is it because you’ve never seen this kind of relationship portrayed in a healthy way? is it because you suspect that he actually does want to be romantic with other people and is using ‘just sex’ as a way to ease into that? Is it out of concern that he’s dissatisfied with your sex life and you want to see if you can resolve that another way? Identify where your fear and discomfort come from, and then discuss those specifics with your partner. 

i’m in a relationship with a polyamorous boy, who doesn’t know i’m poly as well. i’m scared to tell him as he has really bad trust issues and is very protective over me, but i have started to grow feelings for somebody else as well as him. he always says to me ‘you’re mine, only mine’ and things like that. and i feel like even though he is poly too if he found out that i like somebody else he will be torn. can you help please?

Okay, I know that I’m always saying on here that no one, including me, gets to be the arbiter of someone else’s identity. That said, I am skeptical of this person’s polyamory if it doesn’t allow space for his partners to have other relationships, and if he’s a possessive person with “trust issues.” Part of being polyamorous, or practicing polyamory, means recognizing that you don’t ‘own’ your partners and that love and affection are not a zero-sum game. He needs to do some self-work around his trust issues and figure out what it really means to him to be “polyamorous.”

You can totally bring this up with him, and I suggest that you do! “Hey, since you’re polyamorous, and I’m dating you, is it right for me to believe that our relationship is polyamorous? Are you open to me dating someone else?” If he says no, ask him about that! “What does being polyamorous mean to you? Why doesn’t it include an openness to your partners practicing polyamory as well?” Talk with him about whether he can engage with his polyamory to help examine and heal his trust issues and recognize that if he can date other people and still care for you, surely you can too!

If he insists that he can be polyamorous in the sense that he has the ability to date multiple people, but not in the sense that he can be okay with his partners dating multiple people, then he’s welcome to claim that as his truth. You’re, then, welcome to decide whether those are terms you’re okay with. If not, this might not be the best relationship for you to stay in. 

Hi there - do you think it’s odd that a couple who have been dating a few months or so should share a calendar and know exactly where the other is and what they are doing at all times? My friend said they like to know what their partner is doing because although they are poly they like to know who the other person is with, etc. To me, it seemed a bit odd and like it could be quite controlling behaviour, but I don’t really know. Do you think it’s worth bringing up or not?

If it’s working for these people, then it’s working for them…different people have different levels of comfort with this kind of openness and shared information. If this isn’t how you’d like to run your relationships, that’s fine! But something that wouldn’t work for you doesn’t mean it’s bad for everyone else.

If your friend is being controlled or manipulated in an abusive way, that’s an issue. But it sounds like they just have different preferences than you. For some people, it can be really convenient and useful to have shared calendars and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. Let other people live their best lives, even if they’re doing things in a way that you personally wouldn’t be comfortable with. 

FAQ: Poly representation in fiction & nonfiction media

I get a lot of questions asking about where to read or watch stories about polyamorous relationships, and I always end up having to crowdsource because these days my reading is 90% nonfiction for my work. Here’s a centralized list of recommendations and resources I’ve been able to find.

PLEASE NOTE that I cannot personally endorse or vouch for any of the media linked or listed here. Some may be negative or unhealthy representations of polyamory; some may be triggering; some may just be bad. Know your triggers and your limits and feel free to quit watching or reading something if you’re not enjoying it. Many of the works listed here may contain explicit sexual content.

Books/Fiction

Movies/TV

Fanfiction

Goodreads lists

IMDB lists

Reddit threads

Hi friends,

I’ve gotten another handful of messages asking me for private replies or live chat. I cannot do that. You can read about my blog’s policy on that here. If you need someone to talk to, please check out my page on therapy options, including online therapy. You can always find my blog’s FAQ here as well. 

Zinnia

Hello! I was wondering if a quad relationship in which all partners are together, romantically and sexually, is possible?

Yes, it totally is!

I don’t have an FAQ specifically for this type of “is [XYZ situation] possible/a thing” question (yet), but here are two recent posts of mine that have answers nearly identical to the one I’d give you:

Two couples forming a quad

Have I ever heard of childhood friends creating a polyfidelitous relationship?

Resources to identify, cope with, or leave a bad relationship

Most of the resources here use the term “abuse,” but if that word feels too big, too scary, too clinical, or otherwise not right for what you’re experiencing, that is okay.

Not all bad relationships are abusive. You don’t need to convince anyone that you’re being mistreated to a specific degree. You may just be struggling with a relationship that’s run its course, that doesn’t feel good, that isn’t healthy, or just isn’t right for you. That’s okay! If you don’t want to be in a relationship, you can leave it. That’s it!

Not all relationships have to be forever. You are not obligated to stay with someone indefinitely just because you were with them for a while beforehand. Ending a relationship doesn’t mean everything that came before was “meaningless.” You can have a lot of good times, and then come to a point where it’s best for you two to stop seeing each other.

“The reason we got together” and “the reason we broke up” can co-exist simultaneously. Part of dating is learning what you do and don’t need in a relationship. Some of that learning process means relationships will end. That’s okay.

Not all struggle equals growing. Some relationships hit “rough patches” and the partners work through them and come out stronger. But don’t let the narrative of “love takes work” and “relationships need compromise” convince you that you have to pour endless emotional labor into something. Leaving something that isn’t working takes its own courage and effort. It’s not “giving up,” it’s just learning and growing and making new choices.

If you need help figuring out whether to leave a relationship, consider:

  • Reading through the “identifying abuse” section of this post
  • Talking to people you trust about whether they think the relationship is good for you
  • Thinking about your reasons to stay vs. your reasons to leave, and whether any of those are based on fear, insecurity, or other warped thinking
  • Talking to a mental health professional
  • Asking yourself whether your partner seems committed to improving or resolving the issues in your relationship
  • Noting how often you feel happy, content, loved, afraid, guilty, angry, exhausted, etc. and whether the relationship makes you feel good overall

Abuse

If you know, or fear, that you are in an abusive relationship, the rest of this page is for you. I am not a professional or an expert in this field, so I will just state a few core truths and link as many resources as I can.

It is not your fault. Nothing you do can ever justify or deserve abuse. 

It is not your responsibility. If someone is acting in a way that hurts you, that is their problem. There is nothing you can do or say to fix it. It doesn’t matter whether they have their own pain, life situation, or diagnosis. You don’t owe them anything.

If it feels bad, it’s bad. You don’t need to prove to anyone that a relationship is worth leaving. There isn’t a “threshold of abuse” that needs to be crossed before it’s okay to leave. If you’re unhappy, leave. 

It doesn’t have to feel like this. Relationships should, at the core, make you feel happy, able to grow, free to be yourself. Yes, relationships take work and compromise - but if you feel angry, afraid, exhausted, or guilty in your relationship, you deserve better, and you can find better.

It is not selfish to leave. If you are unhappy or afraid in a relationship, you can leave it. Even if your partner believes that you owe them your emotional labor, or insists that they need you, you don’t have to stay. 

You deserve help. There may be people who refuse to help you, or who can’t help you. Sometimes friends, family members, police, etc. let us down. Your partner may isolate you from people who can help. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help. Reach out to any sources of help. Cut off people who aren’t helpful. Fight for your own safety. Call a hotline, see a therapist, tell your manager - you may have to get creative. But you’re worth it.

Healing is possible. Abuse can impact your mood, self-esteem, future relationships, and other aspects of your life. If you need help identifying abuse and working up to leaving, or if you’ve already left and want help moving through the trauma of abuse, please work with a mental health professional.

Many of the resources linked here focus on adult, heterosexual women - though if you click through, many of the links also include resources for men, children, LGBTQ people, etc.

Identifying relationship abuse:

General abuse resources:

Abuse resources on tumblr:

Safety planning:

Internet safety and stalking:

Other sources to find help:

Seen a few folks asking questions w/ themes of abuse. Idk if it’s your thing but I highly recommend the book “Why does he do that?” While it is cishet centric (the book is almost entirely about partner abuse committed by male abusers) it does a really good job of discussing attitudes of entitlement, their role in abuse, forms of abuse, and tools for leaving an abuser. It was super helpful for me, and it might be helpful for some of your readers

Thank you for reminding me about this amazing book! Here is a link to some PDFs of it (though if you can, please consider purchasing the book and supporting the author and her research.)

I have been getting a bunch of messages asking about abuse and abusive relationships - though this isn’t the main theme of this blog, I try to advocate for healthy relationships no matter what. I will put together a linkable FAQ page about relationship abuse sometime soon.

How do you leave an abusive relationship? I’m worried the person will show up at my home or stalk me on social media. We’ve separated before and they’ve always come back to recollect me on social media and I feel like there’s no way to escape them without not having social media and not being in my own home which just is very unsettling to feel this way? I’ve always felt they were slightly abusive but it’s escalated recently and I want out.

First off, let me give you a big virtual hug and a huge outpouring of support. Leaving an abusive relationship is really hard, but it’s very much worth doing. You’re fighting for yourself, and that takes courage and strength. I’m proud of you.

If at all possible, enlist help. You may want to speak with a lawyer or social worker, call a domestic violence hotline, check in with a local shelter, or call the police non-emergency line in your area. If you have a job with an employee resource program (many employers have one through their insurance), they may also be able to connect you.

Reach out to friends you trust and let them know what’s going on and what kind of help you need. Tell people in your life that you are LEAVING this person and you do NOT want them to be able to get any information about you from anyone, or be able to pass messages through anyone to you. Create a defensive barrier around yourself of people who can clearly and firmly resist this person’s attempts to control you, and who are willing to do what it takes to protect you.

If you’re worried that your abusive ex will show up at your home, stay with a friend or find a hotel. I know it’s frustrating and unsettling to feel like you can’t be safe in your own home, but it’s most important to stay safe. Staying with a friend or asking someone to stay with you can help with that. Be sure to take anything irreplaceable from your home if you’re worried about them breaking in. If you want to stay at your home, you can call the police on them for trespassing if they show up. 

If they use social media to stalk you, it’s okay to shut down or block your social media accounts, at least temporarily. I know it can feel really frustrating that something you enjoy and use to connect with your friends has been threatened by this abusive person, but again, safety comes first. You can block them on all platforms, make your accounts private, delete or turn off your accounts, or make separate secret accounts for just a few close friends you trust. If this person harasses you on a social media platform, report them through that platform’s channels. If you’re worried about losing data or connections, find a backup program for that social media platform.

Keep thorough documentation of what this person does and threatens, so if you need to file for a restraining order or call the police, you have a record. 

I am not a professional, so please arm yourself with as much help and resources as you can. Leaving an abusive partner can be very dangerous. Here are some resources:

I know that it really sucks to feel like you have to give up things that are important to you - like social media and the safety of your own home. That is really unfair and it’s okay to feel angry and unsettled about that. You can grieve the things that the abuser took away from you. Please consider talking to a therapist for help healing through that. Once you’re through this escape, you can start rebuilding a life with the safety and comfort that you deserve.

What should I do? My partner forced me to give up the one hobby I really enjoyed and is still accusing me of participating in said hobby and I’m not. I’ve had to defend myself and provide evidence that I’m being truthful on multiple occasions and I just feel that’s not fair at all? I’ve done nothing to deserve this and I’ve never lied about it. Why are they being like this? What can I do?

What you can do is leave this relationship. It is NEVER okay to “force” a partner to do anything, from sex to taking out the trash. It is NEVER okay to continuously accuse a partner of lying and hold them hostage to your own issues with honesty and trust. And it is NEVER okay to simply demand that your partner give up something that makes them happy. Isolating someone from things they enjoy is a major red flag for abuse.

Why are they being like this? I don’t know why. Often possessive, manipulative, and abusive behavior stems from an unmet need or a confused assumption about their own worth and value. But that’s for them to work on healing, possibly with the help of a professional. You are not obligated or even able to identify the reason behind someone else’s bad behavior or choice to hurt you. This is not your fault, nor is it your problem. 

There is no magic set of words or behaviors you can employ to “convince” this person to believe you. They are committed to this mindset and behavior, and it is hurting you. You need to get out of this relationship and find people who will support you in your hobbies and treat you with love and respect.