My long distance partner had a baby and now he has no time for me

I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a poly man. He and his partner just had a child, we both work busy hours. When I made the trip a few months ago to see him for the first time after becoming "official," it was an absolute let down - due to some admittedly poor planning, there wasn't time for us to actually be together. When I spoke to him about it later and I said that I felt lonely in the relationship and like the only one making an effort, he said something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I'm sorry how the trip went, and I'll do my best but I can't promise anything. I’m not going to be less busy for probably 18 years." This really hurt me but I tried be understanding.

While we still talk every week, I had to pull back a lot because I felt hurt. He didn't wish me a happy Valentine’s day, and when I sent him a picture of my makeup/clothes for the night, he responded in a lukewarm way, which really upset me. I feel like neither of us is making an effort right now, but his total lack of attention to me really hurts. I try to be understanding because of how busy he is with work, his partner, his children, etc., but none of this feels real and I feel so lonely – I feel truly “secondary.” Am I being selfish?

In one sense, yes, you’re being selfish, and by that I mean “focused on your own needs.” But I would argue that it’s totally okay to be selfish in this situation. It sounds like this relationship isn’t something that is making you happy and giving you the connection that you want.

To your credit, you pointed out what was bothering you. And to your partner’s credit, he was super honest in his response. He didn’t try to argue that things aren’t that bad and he pays you plenty of attention. He didn’t promise to be better about it going forward, to keep you on the hook. He was clear and realistic about what he can, and can’t, provide to you in terms of time and commitment.

Now you have information: that dating this guy makes you feel lonely and ignored. It’s time to act on this information. The guy might be great, but it sounds like this relationship just isn’t what you need right now. It’s totally fine to decide you don’t want to date a guy who is married, has a kid, lives far away from you, and can’t prioritize you in ways you want to be prioritized.

I've been flirting with someone and we've discussed dating, but he hasn't told his girlfriend

My partner is fine with me dating my crush, but my crush hasn’t told his gf he’s poly. He’s continuing to flirt with me while also delaying talking to her. I’m trying really hard to get him to talk to his gf cause he’s being a dick to both of us by not telling her, I’m tired of being his secret, and I don’t want his gf getting hurt. So I guess I have two questions: 1. Am I also an asshole in this situation, for letting things get this far? 2. How do I get outta this mess?

I don’t think you’re an asshole - it sounds like you were acting in good faith, expecting that he’s going to talk to his girlfriend about permission to date you. And now that things have gone this far, you’re realizing that they shouldn’t go farther without her consent.

Let him know that you’re no longer comfortable with things as they stand, and you feel dangerously close to being complicit in his choice to cheat on his girlfriend. Tell him that everything between you two needs to halt immediately and can only resume once she’s fully informed and on board.

Someone didn't want to date me polyamorously - is that polyphobia?

Been dating someone 3 years, I’m poly he’s not. Was seeing someone else for the past 9 months who knew I was poly and with someone from the start. We had a really good thing going but after like 7 months I tried to DTR and he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Cut to now, he told me he’s seeing someone else and cannot keep seeing me anymore. And then told me it was because I’m poly and he doesn’t know how our relationship would work since I'm already in a relationship. My question is, is that like polyphobia??? Is polyphobia even a thing? I’m also bisexual and have been told people won’t date me for that and this seems like the exact same thing. But two of my monogamous friends are like “yeah but I see where he’s coming from I wouldn’t wanna date someone who was sleeping with/dating someone else either” and I’m like “??? bc ur brainwashed into thinking monogamy is natural and normal?!” I’m so frustrated and heartbroken. I didn’t choose to be poly.

Polyphobia certainly exists, but it’s not the same as an individual person deciding they don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship. No one is obligated to date you, and if someone decides that they don’t want to date you, it doesn’t mean that you’re being oppressed or excluded or are the victim of a structural bias. It is fine for any individual person to choose not to be in a polyamorous relationship, even after trying it out for a bit. Not wanting to live in New York doesn’t make me city-phobic, not wanting to date a smoker doesn’t make me smoker-phobic. We’re all allowed our personal preferences.

Polyphobia looks like a multiparent family being turned down for adoption or a foster care placement. It looks like a system that only allows two partners to share marriage benefits. It looks like slut-shaming and cultural cruelty toward people who are in polyamorous relationships. The difference between someone not wanting to date a bisexual person and someone not wanting to date a person already in a polyamorous relationship is that your polyamory fundamentally changes the terms of the relationship he’d be in. It’s okay for him to decide he doesn’t want to date someone who’s also dating someone else. It’s not about who you are, it’s about what kind of relationship he wants to be in.

Whatever you believe about monogamy, it’s not cool to say that people with monogamous preferences or orientations are “brainwashed.” You yourself said that you “didn’t choose to be poly,” which indicates you subscribe to some flavor of the born-this-way narrative. That means you also need to make space for people who, either due to their choices or their innate characteristics, are monogamous.

It’s okay to be frustrated and heartbroken. Not getting to date someone who you really wanted to date, or having a relationship end that you were really enjoying - that’s painful! It sucks! But the fact that you are hurting doesn’t always mean you were wronged. It’s easy to direct anger toward the guy whose choices have hurt you, but he didn’t do anything wrong. He figured out what he wanted from a relationship and was clear with you about what he could and couldn’t continue to be in your life. Spend some quality time with your other partner, eat some comfort food, and grieve this instance of not getting what you want, without making anyone out to be the villain.

My husband thinks more discussion of polyamory will change my mind. I know it won't.

My husband has been asking about going poly for nearly a year. I don’t want to. I’ve made it clear, but he continuously frames it as, “ok, we’ll drop it for now and talk more in a month” or “you haven’t really considered it so it’s not fair to dismiss it out of hand”. He can be very insistent on things like once he has decided he wants it, and manipulative to craft situations to his liking. How long is reasonable before I draw a line in the sand and tell him he needs to pick? I’m not anti-poly; it’s fine for others but I am mono and have no interest in the drama of a mono-poly relationship. He just keeps says we can talk about boundaries and won’t accept that my boundary is a monogamous relationship.

I don’t think you should, or ought to, wait any longer before letting your husband know that you have absolutely made up your mind.

“I am not able or willing to try out an open or non-monogamous relationship. No amount of discussion or consideration or negotiation will change this for me. As many times as you ask, or as many ways as you ask, the answer will be no. I’m telling you this very clearly because I need you to start acting based on this information, and not any other assumptions or hopes you may have. If a polyamorous relationship is something you absolutely must have, know that you will not get this in our marriage, and you will need to leave the marriage to get that. If staying with me is your priority, know that you will need to drop this issue permanently in order for that to work.”

Then, stick to that party line. Tell him that you do not want to discuss it in a month and your answer will not change. Tell him that you have considered the issue enough for you to make your decision, and whether he thinks that’s ‘enough’ consideration is not relevant. Do not engage. And think about whether you want to stay married to someone you describe as “manipulative” and who “won’t accept” what you tell him. See this FAQ page for more resources.

How do I support my partner through a breakup with his other partner?

My metamour is divorcing my partner, which made my partner absolutely heartbroken. How do I comfort him through this? Should I just ask what I can do to help?

Yes, your instinct is correct that asking him how you can help is a good first step. Since I don’t know your partner, I can’t speak to what would be comforting to him. He may want to talk about it, or he may want a space where the divorce is not a huge part of his world; he may want lots of cuddles, or he may want more time alone than usual. Follow his lead!

However, people who are deep in grief or stress can’t always clearly ask for what they want or need to feel better, so you can also be a bit more proactive in supporting him. Doing small favors that take things off his plate - things like taking care of cleaning or household chores that he usually does, filling up his gas tank, bringing him his favorite foods, etc. - can really help.

You could also ask if he would like some help managing the nitty-gritty of the divorce process. Sometimes that can feel overwhelming, so if you’re up to it, he may appreciate help communicating with lawyers, dealing with his ex, and handling the little bureaucratic tasks that could be piling up as a result of this very painful process.

My ex is polyamorous - what should I do?

Note: the program I use to push posts to tumblr has been glitching, so a bunch of last week’s and this week’s posts didn’t make it. Sorry about that! You can always check the main site if tumblr is missing an update.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. I had always imagined us getting back together but he told me a few weeks ago that he thinks he might be poly. He told me that he doesn’t want to lose me but I feel very uncomfortable with a polyamorous relationship. I guess I am just looking for more information to support him and find my role in his life with this new discovery. I know that I would be unhappy in this type of relationship but I don’t want to force him into monogamy either.

I think your role in this person’s life is just “ex.” Perhaps “friend.”

You two broke up for a reason, and wanting or hoping to get back together doesn’t necessarily mean you should. You say, essentially, that you don’t want to date him polyamorously or monogamously - you don’t want to date this guy. There is enough information here to indicate that you two should not be in a relationship.

There is nothing special that you need to do to “support him” or “find your role in his life.” Be civil, obviously, respect his presence in your past, and see if a “friendly exes” relationship works, but other than that, you should try to disentangle yourself emotionally from whatever this dude has going on.

My metamour helped my partner choose a gift for me, and I'm not sure how I feel about that

I am with Norrington, who’s also dating Elberta. This is my first poly relationship. On my birthday, Norrington mentioned that Elberta helped him choose a lovely, thoughtful present for me. Elberta and I get along, but aren’t very close. I’m not sure how to feel about her apparent involvement in mine and Norrington’s relationship, but I also know she meant well - she was being kind and helpful, not jealous or invasive (I don’t think). So my question: is it normal for metamours to be a little bit involved with the other’s relationship?

Yes, it is normal! Usually, people tend to have ‘types,’ or general personality preferences, when they date, so metamours often have certain things in common. So Elberta would likely be a good resource for Norrington to ask “what kind of gift should I get someone I’m dating? Do you think my other partner would like this?” And since the gift was, as you say, lovely and thoughtful, it sounds like his instincts were correct!

We use the word “partner” for a reason - because relationships are partnerships. People do things with their partners and often seek help, advice, support, or collaboration. Norrington is dating Elberta presumably because he thinks she’s intelligent and he respects her perspective. So it would make sense for him to consult her on this! Since she helped him choose something nice, she clearly was not acting out of any malice, and only a desire to help out her partner and metamour.

And even if it wasn’t “normal,” that wouldn’t necessarily make it problematic or bad. You got a great present, you have a metamour who supports your partner in his relationship with you, it’s all working, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. So if your question is genuinely “should I feel uncomfortable with this?” then my answer is a resounding no.

But if your question is really “I feel a little weird about this, and is that okay?” then my answer is a bit different. Of course you can’t control your feelings, and sometimes things bring up feelings for us that don’t feel useful or fair. It might help to think about why you feel uncomfortable. Do you feel like the gift isn’t really from your partner, and you wish he had done all the effort to figure it out? Do you just not like the idea of his other partner being involved? Do you feel pressure to get closer to Elberta, but you aren’t interested? Press in a bit on that discomfort and identify what’s going on with you so you can talk with Norrington about it and have a clearer problem/solution in mind besides “idk about her involvement in this.”

I'm autistic, new to polyamory, and not clear on the expectations around Valentine's Day

What’s the etiquette for Valentine’s Day when your partner is poly? I’m autistic and never been in a poly relationship before nor have I celebrated Valentine’s Day and I’m really nervous about it all. Is it a faux pas to get flowers if a metamour is too? Should I ask my partner about it or is it weird to talk about Valentine’s Day with them?

I am sorry that you’re feeling nervous! As a general rule, it is not “weird” to talk about relationships and preferences with your partners - that is the right thing to do. If someone makes you feel bad, weird, or guilty for talking about things, they are not a good person to be dating.

So absolutely ask your partner about it! You can open with something like: “How do you like to celebrate Valentine’s Day?” and ask follow up questions like “Would you like to plan something with me?” or “Do you like to exchange gifts with partners?”

Some people like Valentine’s Day, and enjoy the pageantry of flowers and chocolates and teddy bears. Other people are disinterested in it. Some people just take it as a reminder or a reason to do something fun and romantic. Most polyamorous people who celebrate Valentine’s Day extend the holiday so that they can do a “Valentine’s thing” with each partner, but those things don’t all have to be on the 14th. You can go out for a nice meal or plan a snuggle movie night in the vicinity of February 14th and declare it to be Valentine’s. (Of course, some people really care about the specific date - but you’ll only know how much this matters to your partner if you ask!)

As far as a “faux pas,” polyamory hasn’t been an established thing for long enough to have its own Miss Manners type of etiquette. (And I certainly hope it stays that way, honestly.) If your partner likes getting flowers, they’ll probably like getting two bouquets from each partner. If your partner doesn’t really like flowers the rest of the year, they probably won’t mind much either way. Think about what your partner enjoys, and what seems like a romantic gesture to them. The best way to find out is to ask.

You can also let your partner know that you are autistic and that you sometimes feel nervous about not knowing certain relationship traditions or expectations. In a healthy relationship, people would rather be asked about their preferences than have a partner who is worried about solving the mystery. Best of luck, and enjoy your Valentine’s!

I ended a bad relationship, but people are saying I shouldn't feel so hurt by his actions because we were polyamorous

I recently came out of a very toxic relationship. My ex partner gaslit me and is even still emotionally manipulative now we're broken up as we still live together. They also cheated on me. I forgave them at the time but it's still hurting me. Any time I try and bring it up my ex refuses to talk about it and people have said because we were poly, they couldn't have cheated. We had rules and my ex broke them. Is that cheating or am I going crazy?

Violating existing terms of a relationship counts as cheating. Period. Cheating does not mean “the specific act of sexual touching with a person who isn’t your partner,” it means “violating your partner’s trust by breaking a clearly established boundary within the relationship and lying about it.”

But also, it doesn’t really matter. The semantics of whether or not he “cheated” according to a certain person’s definition of “cheating” are irrelevant to the question of whether or not he was a terrible partner who you definitely should have broken up with. Which he clearly was. You were right to end the relationship. You are right to feel betrayed.

Anyone who tries to tell you that you don’t have a right to feel hurt, betrayed, or violated because you were polyamorous is being a huge jerk and fundamentally misunderstanding the nature of polyamory. Please stop going to those people for support and emotional validation, they are not capable of providing it. If you need to find a poly-positive place to vent or seek support, check the “Forums & Communities” section of this page.

If at all possible, please stop living with this guy immediately. Ask a friend if you can crash with them if you need to. And in the meantime, stop trying to “bring it up.” Your ex is not going to provide you an apology or say anything you will find healing, no matter how many times you ask. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or says. What matters is that you were hurt and you deserve to not be hurt. It’s understandable that this is “still hurting.” The solution to that is to take care of yourself, eat some comfort foods, and find some actually supportive friends to lean on. Don’t look to him, or people who are wrapped up in his narrative, for any alleviation of that hurt.

Some Friday FAQ-able questions

What is NRE?

“New Relationship Energy.” Refers to the burst of intimacy, excitement, and energy that often accompanies a new relationship. Check my FAQ page here for lots of resources that will include terminology and glossaries.

I frequently see people refer to "identifying" as poly, but I'm not sure I understand what that means. If being poly is just willingness to be in a poly relationship, is that an identity in the same way that gender and sexuality are? Or is there more to it, or something that I'm missing? I'm asking because I'm questioning stuff about myself right now and I'm just not sure.

See my FAQ page on that here!

Can you explain or link me to an explanation of what the terms on your faq mean? The list that includes: bipoly, polyamorish, werepoly, etc? I cant find definitions for them and scrolling through your posts I cant find them either. I don’t want to ask something that's already answered but I cant find them

Those terms appear on this page for people questioning whether they may be polyamorous, and those terms are meant to encompass experiences, identities, or desires that fit somewhere between the two binary poles of “polyamorous” and “monogamous.”

Hello, my wife and i have had a desire to share our life and bed with another woman but can't seem to find a woman that shares the same feelings and thoughts as we do. Do you have any suggestions on where to look?

Don’t think about it as “where to look to find a woman” who meets all your criteria - there is no secret warehouse of ideal polyamorous women. It’s about forming healthy human connections, not going shopping. Check my FAQ page on this here.

I told someone I'm interested in that I'm poly, and she responded poorly

I told the girl I am interested in that I am poly and she didn't take it well. I feel heartbroken now and wish I could change me, so the people wouldn't always leave me as soon as I tell them about the way I am hardwired. I also get that it just wasn't meant to be but I'm still a sad mushroom now.

I am sorry you are feeling like a sad mushroom. It is okay to be sad and frustrated when something doesn’t work out! All of us face times when we don’t get what we want, and it’s okay to admit that it sucks.

I would estimate that about 2/3 of the time when I am interested in someone, the poly angle means things don’t work out. Most people identify as monogamous, so the odds aren’t exactly on our side. (One time, a guy and I planned a romantic weekend in a tiny Irish seaside town, then stood me up because he realized between agreeing to meet me and actually meeting me that he wasn’t actually okay with it! I spent the day wandering on my own, collected some seashells and pebbles, and then took the late train back.)

There are a few things you can do to improve your odds. One is seeking new partners and dates within the polyamorous community. Another is, if you can, being more out and open about your polyamory in general with your friends and social circle, so anyone who might be developing interest in you has that as pre-existing context. And third, think about how you are telling people you’re polyamorous. If you act like you’re unburdening a great secret, or if you spring it too late and people feel led on, that’s more likely to end poorly. Practice being upbeat and chill about your polyamory and try to be patient.

In the meantime, have some ice cream and let yourself be sad about your feelings not being returned. That always feels crappy.

I only want to be sexual with my boyfriend, not my husband

My husband and I became poly 4 years ago and I immediately met my bf but was long distance for the first year. He has moved to our state now and I can now see him frequently. I have noticed that over the last 2 years I only want to have sex or be sexual with my bf. I don’t know what to do about this decline in sexual drive for my deeply loved husband. I don’t think this is NRE. I can’t imagine losing either partner. I don’t want to force myself to be sexual if I don’t want to either. Really don’t know what to do. Is this common?

Yes, it is relatively common for there to be ups and downs when it comes to sexual interest with a long term partner, even in monogamous relationships. And when it comes to polyamory, it is also pretty common for new partners to ignite more sexual passion, for a whole host of reasons. You say you don’t think this is NRE, but I think it’s definitely a cousin of NRE.

First, do you know if this bothers your husband? It is entirely possible that the lack of sexual energy between you is mutual, and that he is okay with this new arrangement where you two have an intimate, romantic, loving marriage without needing to find the time and energy for sex. Try opening with the neutral observation: that you’re having less sex lately, but that nothing else seems to be strained. Has he noticed the same? What does he think of it? It may turn out that this is a total non-issue - if both of you are having as much sex as you’d like with each other, there’s no problem!

If he does want to have more sex with you, then you’ll need to figure out where to go from there. Is there something your new partner does that really gets you going? What could you try with your husband to reinvigorate your sex life - anything from reading erotica together, taking a romantic vacation, or setting aside time to give it a good faith effort? Is he interested in seeking sex outside the relationship as well? What compromises are each of you willing to make?

Your actual question was “is this common,” but my answer to that question (yes, it is) doesn’t actually help you much. You’ve got to check in with your husband about what he wants, and needs, and feels, and then do the work to move forward from there. Best of luck!

My partner cheated on me, refuses to be honest, and makes threats of self harm

I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years. We had lots of ups and downs. Last year she met another girl at work, she seriously cheated on me but she's not telling me the full story and keeps saying that if she tells me, she will lose me. She also kept saying that she flirted and had a thing with her because we had problems and that she won’t survive if we break up. I can’t leave her. I'm afraid she will harm herself. We are still together. What should I do? The relationship is getting toxic!

You need to leave this relationship for your own health and happiness. Someone who cheats on you, refuses to tell you the truth, blames you for their cheating, uses threats of self harm to manipulate you into staying, and makes you feel that the relationship is “toxic” is not someone you should be dating. Period. Make a plan to leave the relationship as safely, cleanly, and quickly as possible.

Ultimately, you are not responsible for her actions. She is. If she makes the choice to harm herself, that’s on her, not you. The fact that you are concerned with her well being means you are a good, kind hearted person, and that’s normal. But don’t let that completely hijack your instincts and control everything you do. There is a wide space between “needlessly cruel” and “doormat,” and I invite you to step into that space as soon as possible.

Connect her with appropriate resources (a local crisis hotline would be a good one), and then disengage. If she is on good terms with her family, you can give them a heads up that she might need extra support. But don’t get caught up in being responsible for her, relaying messages, checking up on her, etc. Let her know you are no longer available, recommend that she reach out to family, other friends, or a crisis hotline, and then turn your phone off or otherwise do what you need to get some space. Consider also enlisting a friend of yours to help you maintain this boundary and give you a neutral, supportive space to land while you ride out this breakup.

One of my partners doesn't want to meet my other partner

I have a bf of 6 months and were great together. About 2 months ago I started dating my long term friend, who I also clicked with. Only problem is they don’t seem interested in meeting and I was hoping they would because I want all of us to get along. The new bf has expressed that he’d be ok with it, but the other bf isn't. They are both more experienced in poly. Is it normal for metas to meet each other? Or should I leave it alone and keep the relationships separate?

It’s okay for you to want all your partners to get along, but you’re not necessarily guaranteed or entitled to get everything you want. If your boyfriend isn’t comfortable meeting his metamour, he’s free to decline. The question of whether it’s ‘normal’ isn’t very relevant to an individual situation. It’s ‘normal’ for people to eat peanuts, but for some individuals, eating peanuts can kill them (or at the very least ruin their day)! Even if the vast majority of poly people do something a certain way, if your partner says that doesn’t work for him, he doesn’t have to do it.

Only you can decide whether this is a big enough deal to push the issue. You are right that it would probably be best to “leave it alone,” but you may find that to be too difficult for you. If you really don’t think you could be happy in a polyamorous relationship where your metamours didn’t want to meet, you can try talking to your partner and asking where his refusal is coming from and whether he’s able/willing to work on it or consider a compromise. If he’s not, you’ll need to decide whether that arrangement is sustainable for you.

I ended my relationship, but now I feel guilty about it

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years because I didn’t feel loved by him. He would lie to me a lot and about a month ago I found out that he lied to me about money issues and kept up that lie for about a month. He would also make plans with me and then cancel on me to hang out with his newer romantic interests and it made me feel like he didn’t respect my time or my company. I spoke with him about this but he continued to do it and I decided I couldn’t be with him anymore but I’m questioning if I made the right decision or not. I feel like a bad person for being uncomfortable with him and his new partner. Am I in the wrong for breaking up with him and am I a bad person for breaking up with him over this?

You are absolutely not in the wrong. You are not a bad person. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, it is okay to leave. You don’t owe it to anyone to stay with them. No one is entitled to be in a relationship with you. Period. If it’s not working, if you don’t feel loved, if you don’t like the way things are going, if it’s just not vibin’ for you anymore, those are all fine reasons to leave. There is no arbiter of breakups, no relationship judge that you have to present your case to and ‘prove’ that you had enough of a good reason to end things.

If he is saying things to you that make you feel guilty for leaving, stop talking to him. Block him, cut off contact, and spend time with people who support you in making the best, healthiest choices for you.

Please check out this article and my FAQ page about leaving a bad relationship.

Does being asexual and being ok with partners seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere make me polyamorous?

I’m asexual and would be fine with a partner having sex with other people, would this make me poly, or is there another term for this?

Labels and terminology are there to make our lives easier, by helping us identify and communicate about our needs and desires. It sounds like in this case, seeking out a partner who is interested in a polyamorous relationship would help you find what you’re looking for. So it’s good to have that word! Use it as a tool to help you access useful resources. Check my FAQ page here on this!

Remember that “polyamory” can refer both to an identity/relationship orientation and a chosen behavior/relationship style. If the term “polyamorous” feels right, and useful, to you as a personal identity, then by all means, use it. But if “being fine with a partner having sex with other people” doesn’t feel like part of who you are in the same way your asexuality does, you can say that you are “open to a polyamorous relationship” or “would prefer a polyamorous arrangement” without worrying about whether that “makes you poly.”

My partner is abusive. Should I stay with him?

I’ve been with my partner for 4.5 years now, and we have lived together for the past 3 of those. About 1.5 years into our monogamous relationship, I engaged in a few cheating episodes before finally admitting to my partner what had happened. I wanted to be with him, but also couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to connect with others too. I shared that I would like to move forward as a polyamorous couple as I can’t see these particular desires of mine changing anytime soon.

Initially, he was distraught about the cheating, but wanted to stay with me to work through it all - expressing that he might be able to come around to being a Polyamorous couple in time. 3 years has passed since this initial first conversation, and our relationship has become incredibly toxic over time. He keeps shutting me down and saying he wants us to both be monogamous now.

This sense of resistance has turned him into a violent, reactive person over this past year especially. Recently we have had the most explosive, violent argument since we’ve been together. As a result I’ve moved back home to my parents house 1 hour away, to stay safe. I can’t be dishonest to him, or myself - I am Polyamorous in nature, at this point in my life, and I want to be able to live authentically.

Do I need to confront this abuse and work through it with him, or should I leave? Should I stay in hopes of him healing his issues and coming around to live polyamorously with me, or should I let him go for good, knowing that this situation is causing him way too much pain to go on?

Do not stay with this guy. Things like “working through abuse” and “staying in hopes of him healing his issues and coming around” are not smart or healthy, and they do not end well. Once someone has been so violent with you that you need to go somewhere else for your own safety, that relationship is over. It’s not just that the relationship is causing him too much pain, it’s “abusive” and “toxic” to you. Leave and stay gone. Check my resources here.

"Forcing" people to be in relationships that don't work for them is cruel

Forcing a monogamous person to be in a poly relationship is just as damaging and cruel as forcing a poly person to be in a monogamous relationship. More people need to understand this and stop shaming people who want/need one on one relationships.

I agree, and I have never advised anyone to push themselves or someone else to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work for them. In fact, I have also gotten feedback from readers that I am too quick to suggest that someone leave a relationship and don’t do enough to encourage people to ‘try and make it work’ by changing their perspectives on monogamy or polyamory.

I do want to point out, however, that it is actually very difficult and very rare for someone to be forced to be in a certain type of relationship. Excluding severe cases of abuse, most people are free to leave a relationship if it’s not working for them. That may be painful or unpleasant, but it is an option. Being shamed, being uncomfortable, being disagreed with, or facing a difficult choice is not the same as being forced.

If someone makes a demand of you, you can always say “no.” If someone demands a polyamorous relationship, and their partner does not want to be in a polyamorous relationship, they can leave the relationship. They are not being forced into a polyamorous relationship, they are being given the choice between a polyamorous relationship or no relationship. They are also giving their partner the option of a monogamous relationship or no relationship. In that case, either party can choose the “no relationship” option.

If you do feel like you don’t have access to your “no” because your partner is using threats and violence to force you to do something, that is abuse and you deserve help. Check the resources here.

My friend is in a monogamous marriage but says things that make me think she might be interested in sex with me

I have a bisexual friend who hasn't had much experience with women. She is married and mono. I have a thing for her and she does for me too. I don't know if I should tell her my feelings. She knows I'm Poly (I'm not looking rn and I have a mono partner). She's expressed her interest in new things, and a sort of disappointment about never really being with a woman. (She loves her man but worries he hasn't had enough experiences...which to me sounds like projection but ok.) I really like her but I don't wanna ruin our relationship or her marriage (I don't want her to cheat..but I don't want her man to freak out about the whole thing if she wants to date me.) She may have to move far away this coming year. What should I do?

Nothing. You should do nothing. She is in a monogamous marriage. It is not cool to pursue someone romantically or sexually who is in a monogamous marriage.

When she talks to you about her concerns and feelings, be a supportive friend, ask broad questions, give generic advice. It’s possible she has no interest in exploring sex or relationships outside her marriage and just wants to chat about her bisexuality with someone who she thinks will “get it.” Or, she could be interested in learning more about polyamory or her options for being with a woman. You can try asking some questions to help her figure out whether she’s just idly venting or trying to strategize around big life choices. You can point her to resources on bisexuality and polyamory.

But this is not an invitation for you to personally provide her with an opportunity to try extramarital sex or sex with a woman. And even if it was, it’s not an invitation you should take. She has a lot to figure out, and it’s not your place to take any action on this.

I told my partner I identify as polyamorous and he won't stop insisting that I'm going to cheat on him

I identify as polyamorous and told my partner before we met. He is monogamous and we now live in a monogamous relationship but he always says I’m going to cheat on him because I identify as polyamorous. He says I’ll either cheat on him or I’m lying about being polyamorous. I’ve never cheated or come close. How can I help him to trust me?

It’s not generally possible to change other people’s worldviews or beliefs. There exists no magic word or spell that can change his mind. It sounds like you’ve already explained this. More importantly, you’ve demonstrated it with your actions - by never cheating on him or even coming close.

Usually, when people cling to beliefs with no evidence to support them, there’s a reason. Holding onto this belief that you’re going to cheat on him serves him in some way. Framing you constantly as the “inevitable cheater” means he gets to keep you on the defensive, always having to beg him to trust you, having to plead your case, to prove your trustworthiness. And it keeps him as the ever-aggrieved party, which is a special kind of high ground that can be difficult to cede.

You’d be within your rights to refuse to engage with this argument any further. When he accuses you of being a future-cheater, you can say “I have not ever cheated on you, and I have no intentions to do so. I’ve given you no reason to say these things about me, and I don’t appreciate you constantly questioning my faithfulness. Please stop saying that.” Then, disengage. Don’t argue, wheedle, explain. Just refuse to be talked to like that.

If he continues to bring it up, or hold it against you; if he uses this to make demands or push you around, ask yourself whether you want to stay in a relationship where you constantly feel like your statements about yourself are not taken seriously and your promises aren’t believed. Do you want to date someone who sees you as inherently untrustworthy? No partner should ever call you a liar without cause or make you feel less-than, judged, or defensive. So tell him he needs to stop that, immediately.