I want to live in partnership with another couple, but my husband is unsure

My partner and i recently got married. We're really happy, but for the past half year I've caught feelings for two other friends. My husband feels the same way and these two friends are already in a relationship and poly. My husband has feelings but more platonic than my romantic feelings and doesn’t really wanna pursue anything. Every time i try to have a discussion about it he gets overwhelmed or jealous. But its like I just want them in queer platonic polycule?

I don't want to have sex or even kiss them but I want to go on dates and hold hands and live together and raise kids with them. My partner feels exactly the same way but he is still super hesitant. He was this hesitant when we started dating so idk what to do about my feelings. Am I a bad person for wanting to pursue this even though my spouse is lowkey jealous? And am I a bad spouse for even wanting another relationship while being just recently married? I don't want to weird my friends out but I don't like to just not tell people how I feel about them. It feels wrong somehow. And on another note, sorry for all the questions, if my partner and I did decide to pursue this kind of relationship, how do I even go about it?

The good news is that the arrangement you’re describing is as old as humanity itself, and in fact how most families have been raised over the course of history. The “nuclear family,” where only two adults live in a detached home and are expected to meet all of each other’s financial, developmental, emotional, physical, culinary, etc. needs - as well as those of any children - is a very recent concept.

You may be well served by letting go of the concept of a “queer platonic polycule” and exploring language for what you really want that doesn’t signify a necessary departure from the monogamous marriage your husband feels committed to protect. What you’ve described may be well represented by other concepts, including family friends, kinship networks, close neighbors, chosen family, or non-blood cousins. Raising kids together, spending quality time together, supporting each other, and “doing life together” might be less threatening ways to talk about this, at least for your husband.

Talk with your husband about what he wants, and what he does not want. Be specific, using examples and real-world concepts rather than conceptual terms. What is his best case scenario, and what is his worst case scenario? What is he afraid of happening? Can he describe where his jealousy is coming from? What do you mean by “go on dates?” What kind of quality time spent with these other people would feel like “too much” or “jealousy-inducing” for him?

Talk through actual situations. Would you two want to plan joint vacations with this couple? How would you handle things like joint finances or individual healthcare costs? What does “raise kids together” mean for you? Are there any examples from books, movies, or your own lives that you can draw inspiration from? Do you know any neighbors, extended families, religious congregations, or other people who can help serve as a model for this kind of life?

Once you’ve figured out what you actually want, you can bring that up with the other couple. Instead of asking “do you want to form a queer platonic polycule,” ask them “what are your thoughts on co-living with us?” or “would you like to go camping with us next weekend?” Worry less about what words to put on things, and focus on how you want to be in relationship. In some cases, you might not need to have a Big Serious Relationship Defining Conversation, and can instead simply start intentionally living into the type of connection you want.

Finally, you ask whether you are a bad person for having these feelings and desires, and my answer to that question is a resounding: absolutely not! Our thoughts, feelings, and desires are entirely our own business and don’t have the power to make us a good or bad person. It’s how you act on them that matters. If you’re pressuring your husband into doing something that he doesn’t want, or you’re acting manipulative or otherwise disregarding his boundaries, then those are not great things to do, but I’d still caution you against equating “did an unhealthy or unhelpful thing” and “is a bad person.” You are you, and you contain multitudes, and you’ve hurt people and you’ve helped people, and you’re just a person. Try to let go of this notion that anything you think or do can make you “a bad person.”

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I broke up with someone because we weren't compatible. He's promising to change, but sending me mixed messages.

I'm mainly mono, and my partner is poly, and we recently started talking again after he promised to be better (I broke-up with him about 6-7 months ago). He told me he's ready to compromise and think of me as his primary partner and that thought reassured me that I wouldn't feel dismissed and lonely the way I did in the past in our relationship. Cut to a couple days ago, we're talking about growing pains and the grieving process of letting go and he told me that he really wanted to practice anarcho-polyamory but that it was not something he seems to be able to do in real life. He has this ideal vision of polyamory where none of his partners would feel a certain way about not being the "main relationship" and where nothing would hold him back or limit his interactions with anybody. I find it worrisome because 1) it kind of sounds like the idea of people having boundaries is what's turning him off, and that makes me feel unsafe 2) it contradicts what he told me, and I'm scared that if we get back together and he follows through with his promise of being my life partner, he will resent me for the rest of the relationship. I have yet to talk to him about it, but I wanted to know if I'm being overzealous for nothing, or if this is something I should be concerned about.

Do not date this dude!

Let me break this down:

He told you that he is “ready to compromise” - that is not a good way to enter into a relationship! Do not date someone who thinks of you, or the relationship, as a “compromise.”

You are trying to interpret his promises to mean that you will not feel a certain way ever again, which is not possible or reasonable to promise or expect.

He “promised to be better,” but almost instantly started saying things that indicate that he is not able or willing to break the patterns that initially caused the problems.

You feel “scared” that if you get back together, he will “resent” you. That’s a pretty major red flag.

His ideal relationship involves his partners never “feeling a certain way,” which is not realistic or reasonable.

He has clearly told you that his hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship do not align with your hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship.

His stated desires and expectations regarding relationships make you feel “unsafe” and worry that he doesn’t ever want to have to respect his partner’s boundaries.

All of this is definitely something to be concerned about! Don’t date this dude!!!

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I have a crush on my polyam friends, but don't know where to go from here

I'm poly and have gone on dates here and there but never actually been in a committed polycule. To be honest I'm not looking for anything very serious, but recently I've found I have two friends who are together and poly that I've been light heartedly flirting with. I didn't want to take the first step in asking them if they wanted to have some fun and go on a couple of dates because I wasn't sure if they were looking for something casual or more serious, but then they talked to me about what I was looking for and I was honest with them. This may sound silly but I don't know where to go from here! I like them both a lot and hanging with them as a group and one on one, but I'm unsure where to go from here now that we've established interest. I know I should just talk to them, but I want to go to them with some idea of what I concretely want moving forward and honestly I keep falling short. All I can think of is just "spend time with them and have sex together or one on one" but I don't know that that's enough.

My friend, I think you are overthinking this! If you like hanging out with them, and they like hanging out with you, keep doing that. If they asked you how you felt and you told them, and they were open and receptive, let things keep going in that direction!

You are correct that you “should just talk to them,” but you are being way too hard on yourself by concluding that what you have to say is not “enough.” You know what you want - to spend time together, and to be open to sexual or romantic connection - and that is an entirely normal and healthy and common way for people to be together!

Try saying something like this:

“I really enjoy hanging out with you two, together and one on one. I know that you two are polyam, and I am thinking that I’d be interested in exploring that with you. I like our friendly connection and can see that moving in a romantic direction. I am also sexually attracted to both of you and would be interested in cuddles, kisses, and sex.

At the same time, I am feeling unsure about what I want to call this, or whether I can articulate exactly what kind of relationship blueprint I am hoping for. Are you okay with taking things slow and just letting them evolve organically the way they already have been between us?”

What you’ve described here sounds pretty healthy and fun, and is in fact how most relationships, polyam or mono, tend to evolve and grow. Follow what feels good and try to relax about the specifics.

Should I get back together with my ex now that he's no longer with the woman who broke us up?

I was dating a guy, we'll call him Mark and his wife Nicole. Mark and Nicole were both poly. I started dating Mark and Nicole seemed great at first. She lost a relationship then it seemed like things got harder for her. Once Mark and I decided that we loved each other she was pretty much done. I had no intention of taking him away from her, ever. I am also married and I don't want to be with just Mark. So Nicole decided that Mark had to cut things off with me. It has been over a month now and I just heard from Mark. He told me that things aren't working out between him and Nicole, and they are getting a divorce. He wants to talk to me again after the divorce is finalized. Should I date him after the divorce is complete? I feel kind of all over the place with my emotions at the moment!!!

I don’t see why not. You know that you and Mark are good together, and the only reason you two broke up was because of issues with his wife. Now he has decided that he no longer wants to be with his wife, so the issue that broke you two up is gone, and he wants to resume the relationship.

If your “all over the place” emotions are coming from this internalized social rule that you shouldn’t date people recently after a divorce, you can pretty safely let go of those. You know a lot about who Mark is and how your relationship functions, and if you want to get back together with him, I see no reason not to.

But if those emotions are coming from genuine concerns that you have, of course, definitely sit with them and see if you can parse them out. Are you worried that there will be more drama with him? Did his decision to “cut things off” with you based on his wife’s demands reduce your trust in him? Think about why you’re feeling hesitant about getting back together with him, and communicate clearly with him about those issues. It’s okay to take things slowly and want to just chat or be friends for a while before jumping back into a relationship if that’s what you want.

How can I be "out" as polyamorous at work?

Do you have any advice on how to be "out" as poly at work? I really don't want to have to hide the existence of either of my partners.

If your question is about how to be out safely, like how to make it so you don’t “have to hide” either of your partners, that’s a sticky one. It will really depend on your workplace and the cultural attitudes of your coworkers and management. Try talking to your HR department, if you have one, about what protections exist and what the current policies are. If you need more specific advice about this, send me a follow up with more details!

If your question is more about how to share your polyamory at work, that’s a bit easier. You can do the traditional “coming out” thing where you tell coworkers you like and trust that you are polyamorous, and offer to answer questions they may have.

In casual conversation, you can say things like “one of my partners” or make it a point to mention “my partner, Claudella, and my other partner, Gurt” in the same sentence or story. You can have photos of them on your desk or wear polyam-pride things at work, and be prepared to cheerfully and shamelessly answer questions when people ask about them. You can have both your partners visit you at work, pick you up, attend work functions, etc.

Remember also that simply not bringing something up doesn’t necessarily mean that you are “hiding” it. When I worked in an office, most of my coworkers didn’t know about my hatred of tomatoes or my enamel pin collection. I wasn’t “hiding” them, but they just didn’t come up. I’m sure your coworkers have aspects of their personal lives you don’t know much about, and that’s okay! There is a big, fully inhabitable space between “hiding/closeted” and “Very Very Out” at work. Find the place on that spectrum that works for you!

I have a lot of relationship anxiety, and nothing I try is soothing it

as of about 5 months ago, I entered into a poly relationship with my best friend and her boyfriend. Since starting the relationship, we've agreed to become a triad, so her boyfriend is now also my partner.

I'm basically really struggling with relationship anxiety. I'm trying to be quite proactive about it both with myself - journalling, practicing mindfulness, using CBT to interrupt harmful thought patterns - and with both of them - telling them how I feel, when I'm anxious, what I need when I need it. But I still get this feeling like I'm going to be feeling anxious forever? It's hard finding advice online that relates to specifically poly relationships.

This isn't my first poly relationship, and it's weird because in my previous one I didn't get any of this anxiety. I think, strangely, it might be because this one is actually healthier than the last? We have scheduled meetings, we discuss the relationship often, which I never have before. Although I know it's good and valuable, sometimes bringing up something I need or have been thinking about fills me with dread. I do try and push through that, in a kind of exposure therapy way, but I feel bad because every time I bring something up I end up crying. I know it's important to work through that, but often these situations just compound on my anxiety in the heat of the moment - not only am I anxious about whatever I'm bringing up, but also anxious about myself crying and perhaps making my partners feel guilty about whatever I'm asking for, perhaps forcing themselves into something they don't want.

I trust both my partners and one of the mantras I come back to again and again is that if there was something wrong they would tell me. And that it's not all my responsibility to make this relationship work - all I can do is be honest about how I'm feeling and trust they will be too. But at times the anxiety feels really all-consuming and I get this feeling like it's kind of ruining the relationship.

I suppose my question, after all of this, is whether anyone else has any experience with relationship anxiety within poly relationships? Does it get better? I feel like I'm flying blind. And although I know I can talk to my partners about it, and I do, I think I’m feeling a need for a space or conversation outside of the relationship because of what I mentioned before about compounded anxiety.

There’s a lot of advice out there about how anxiety is made worse by avoiding the thing that makes you anxious, and there’s also a lot of advice out there that says you should bring things up with your partners and talk through them in order to resolve problems like this.

It sounds like you’ve been getting, and taking, a lot of that advice, so I won’t repeat it here. I do want to give you MAJOR kudos for doing all this self-work, for not letting your anxiety hold you back from important relationship conversations, for using CBT and mindfulness and all those other tools. Definitely keep doing that, and be proud of yourself for doing it!

At the same time, there is such thing as “too much of a good thing.” In some cases, an over-emphasis on “processing” and “talking things out” can make a problem worse rather than better. It’s possible that having scheduled meetings and feeling like you need to hash out and give voice to every single negative emotion is causing you to ruminate on them more than necessary. Sometimes it’s okay to just let feelings and experiences pass without giving language to them, constructing a narrative around them, and seeking solutions or reassurance or validation after the fact.

So, if you think it would help, consider scaling back on all these conversations - not because you are indulging your anxiety, but just because they might not be all that necessary. See what it’s like to just let the relationship be what it is, and bring things up organically as you feel they need to be addressed rather than scheduling meetings. (If you think this advice is off base, feel free to ignore it!)

Also, one key thing to note that if you are dealing with this sort of chronic, long-term anxiety that doesn’t seem to go away even when you’re doing everything right - engaging in healthy behaviors, cultivating healthy relationships - that is exactly the sort of situation that medication was meant for! You might not be able to Mantra and Mindfulness your way out of this, nor do you have to. This might not be an issue with polyamory or your relationships at all, and you can find support outside of focusing on How To Be Better At Polyamory By Brute Force. Consider working with a mental healthcare professional to find ways to make things easier on yourself.

If you find yourself crying during hard conversations, but you don’t want your partners to focus on your crying and feel like it distracts from the issue you’re trying to discuss, you can also write them letters or emails to express things. That way you can say what you want to say without having to worry about managing your emotional reactions. A lot of people emphasize the importance of “face to face” conversations, but it sounds like these scheduled meetings and frequent emotional check-ins are making things harder, not easier, for you. See if it works for you and your partners to chat more casually over a text-based platform or for you to share writing with them that expresses how you feel.

Another piece of advice I have is, if you are going to keep having these structured discussions, try to set goals or intentions for the conversation going forward. If you’re not asking them to change anything about their behavior, but you just want to share your feelings and be heard, state that up front. If you are asking a specific question you want an honest answer for, or if you are bringing up a problem you want to find a solution for, let them know. Don’t just set aside an hour to talk about feelings and relationship stuff, and then spiral around and around. I’ve seen this happen a LOT, and even with the best of intentions, it tends to cause more problems than it solves.

Finally, you asked if anyone has experience with this and whether it gets better: I can only speak for myself, but I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (a pretty severe case, too) and I can tell you that, yes, this type of anxiety is possible to manage. It is not, however, fully manageable or treatable by focusing on it in lots of relationship conversations. Sometimes, paradoxically, the harder you try to solve a problem like this, the worse it gets. You also need some distractions, self-soothing techniques, and just fun quality time with yourself and your partners. You might also need therapy (not focused on your relationship, but for anxiety management in general) and medication.

As for finding places to talk about this outside of your partners, that’s a great idea - a place to vent, process, ask questions, etc. without placing extra demands on the relationship. I’d recommend checking out some online spaces for polyamorous people (you can find some here.) However, know that anxious or negative thoughts can be reinforced by going over them multiple times, describing them, sharing them with others, etc. So be very careful about how you spend your time in these communities. Are you mostly expressing your painful thoughts, hanging out in the “vent” channels, and giving language to your anxiety? Or are you seeking friendship, connection, and advice?

In general, my advice is to try and let go of your anxiety-about-your-anxiety. Stop treating it like a problem that can be solved with more time, more attention, and more work. Lean in to the things that make you happy in this relationship, and know that you don’t have to ‘address’ every anxious feeling. Find ways to make these relationship conversations easier for yourself (set intentions, do things in writing, scale back on them) and trust your future self to handle things as they arise.

I worry that my partners don't actually like me, but won't tell me the truth

I feel like one of my partners (F) hates me or otherwise is uncomfy with me, as she usually wants to do things with the other (M) more than me, they dm all the time (I don't dm either because I want to be initiated first), he buys her stuff, and in general whenever I want to try to do something with her it feels like she's uncomfortable. I don't know how to proceed because obviously neither of them would tell the truth if I was making them uncomfy, to not be rude I suppose.

You should not be dating someone if you don’t trust them to be honest with you. Full stop. To have the role of “partner” in your life, a person MUST be someone who is safe to share your feelings and needs with.

Refusing to DM someone because you want them to initiate conversation is insecure behavior. I used to be like this - I worried that I was “bothering” people if I messaged them first. But living life this way made me miserable. If I wanted someone’s attention, I would just wallow in insecurity and loneliness while waiting for them to message me. I put all this psychological and emotional significance on their messages, and it just was a whole lot of unnecessary angst and pressure. 

It’s not worth it, living like that. If someone is worth bringing into your life, they ought to be someone who it feels safe and easy to DM. Right now, it sounds like you do not trust these people to be honest with you and say “hey, I can’t actually talk right now.” You distrust their expressed affection and attention so much that you’ve established this secret test, telling yourself it only “counts” if they initiate it. You have to let that go. You have to be willing and able to demand that your relationships are safe and honest. 

I harp on this small detail in your letter because it’s really a big neon arrow pointing to the major issue here. You say “obviously neither of them would tell the truth” - that’s NOT a healthy foundation for a relationship. This core assumption needs to be addressed. 

There are two possibilities here. One is that you are simply assuming that these people won’t be honest with you, and so you’re robbing them of an opportunity to be honest with you. I’d encourage you to ask yourself: what makes you say this? What evidence have you observed that makes it “obvious” that they won’t tell the truth? Do these people have a history of being dishonest with you, of refusing to answer questions honestly, or of saying one thing while acting in a different way?

If you don’t actually have any clear evidence to base this off, it might be your own fear getting in the way. Give them a chance to be honest! Bring up your fears and concerns, and see what they have to say! Things like:

“I worry sometimes about being the one to initiate a DM conversation. I feel like I’m bugging you and I can’t trust that your attention is genuine unless you initiate. Here are some things you can do to help me feel more safe and confident in reaching out to chat during the day. Are there things I can do better to respect your time or make DMing easier and more frequent?”

“Based on [things you’ve observed], I’ve started to worry that my company is not actually enjoyable for you, and I feel like you might not like me. I know we’re dating, and it’s confusing to think that someone who is dating me doesn’t like me - but here are some of my anxieties. Can we talk about this? How have you been feeling about dating me? Do you need anything from me?”

If the idea of having these frank, open conversations fills you with dread or fear, that’s a huge red flag that your relationship isn’t healthy. If these people have previously demonstrated to you that they can’t or won’t have these kinds of conversations honestly, then you probably shouldn’t be dating them. 

If your anxieties are coming from “inside the house,” so to speak, then you ought to give them a chance to demonstrate to you whether they are actually safe and honest. They may be shocked and horrified to find out that you’ve been feeling this way and worrying about this - if you haven’t said anything, how could they know? If, after you share this information, they argue, ignore, or shame you - or if they reassure you and promise that everything is OK but then don’t actually make any changes - then that’s a sign that this is not a good relationship for you.

My play partner hooked up with my ex, and now I feel unsafe

We are both poly, I’ve played with him on and off for years. He *was* my safe person, now he’s started playing with my ex who was very toxic for me. I’m hurt that he is seemingly throwing away my trust for someone he is not really into (he’s told me before she’s crazy). His Primary is my best friend, and we all live together. I don’t feel safe anymore around him, he feels tainted now. What do I do?

The concept of “safety” has gotten really twisted lately, and I would encourage you to do your best to untwist it.

There is no such thing as someone being “your safe person.” People are people, and they are independent, complicated, and fallible. It’s important for people to behave in ways that facilitate safety for others, but having a relational role in your life that you refer to as “my safe person” is not accurate, fair, or healthy.

Also, “feeling unsafe” and “being unsafe” are not the same thing. You say that you “don’t feel safe around him” and that he “feels tainted,” but can you articulate what, exactly, makes you less safe now that he has chosen to play with your ex? Was your ex a dangerous stalker who now knows where you live? Is he pressuring you to reconcile with her? Or is he just engaging with someone you don’t like?

You can feel uncomfortable about his choices, or disagree with them, or even wish he hadn’t made them - but none of that puts you at genuine risk. I personally don’t eat pre-cut melon, because the risk of salmonella squicks me out, but if someone else eats pre-cut melon, that’s not my problem. It might make me feel a little disgust or disapproval when I see it, but it does not actually impact my own health and safety.

Seeing people as “tainted” is also not healthy or meaningful, and you may need to reconsider how you manage your own emotions and perceptions. You have issues with this ex, but he does not have the same history of pain and toxic encounters with her. He is allowed to make his own choices, and they don’t have anything to do with you. He did not do this “to” you or “at” you.

That said, if you explicitly said to him: “I don’t want to play with anyone who is also playing with her,” and he made the choice to play with her, then you have clear information about whether he is willing to abide by your boundaries. You can certainly choose not to be involved with anyone who is involved with her, but that is YOUR choice, not something he is doing TO you. If you are too uncomfortable to continue playing with him, that’s fine! But it’s not because he has made himself inherently unsafe or “tainted,” it’s because you are responsible for your own relationship choices.

How do I handle crushes & desires when I'm worried about other people's responses?

So I have an issue. Two issues, in fact. There are two groups of people here: my romantic partner, Nessie and her alter Alberta, and my platonic partner Kastelle and her romantic partner Spork.

So, I'm currently in two relationships: a romantic monogamous one with Nessie, and a platonic poly one with Kastelle and an unimportant outside party. The thing is, I'm starting to catch romantic feelings for Kastelle. At first I was jealous of Spork, but now that we've met... I'm starting to get a crush on her, too. (I mean I'm still jealous, but I also have a crush.) So what I want now is... I want to join their romantic relationship and make it a poly.

But that means leaving my other platonic partner behind (they're aro, so they don't care abt romance, but still.) However I don't think Kastelle likes me like that, and I don't think Spork even likes me in a way that's past surface friendship, and I don't want to ruin my relationship with Kastelle or make Spork wary of me. ALSO, if I were to get into another relationship outside of mine with Nessie, it might put stress on us, too. I want to make everyone happy, including myself, but I don't want to lose anyone in the process. And I sincerely doubt that Nessie, Spork, and Kastelle would want to join together and make one big poly mess. I can't balance two romantic relationships anymore unless everyone is together. It puts too much strain on everyone involved and I end up hurting people.

Then there's my second problem with Nessie and Alberta. See, we've always talked about adding Alberta to our relationship after I broke up with a different boyfriend (who I have cut it off with and it's okay.) So now it's just me and Nessie. I've been dropping hints about adding Alberta, hoping Nessie will remember. But it's not working. I'm too afraid to just come out and talk to Nessie about it, and I don't want to ask out Alberta behind Nessie's back. Can you help me? What do I do? Who do I date?

The first issue sounds pretty simple: there are some people you want to date (Kastelle and Spork), but you don’t think they’re interested in dating you, and you worry that pursuing them would create a cascade of problems that you don’t want. So…don’t pursue them! If they haven’t given you any indication that they want to date you, and you think that dating them would cause all sorts of issues, then you have plenty of clear information telling you that trying to date them would not be a good idea.

Sometimes, we want things that we can’t have. Sometimes we feel conflicted, or frustrated, or worried. Sometimes the right choice is a difficult one. That’s just part of life!

If you need to take some space from this relationship to let the crush and jealousy fizzle out, that’s fine. Focus on yourself, your other relationships and hobbies, and don’t ruminate on or indulge in fantasies of the impossible.

The second issue is also pretty simple: Don’t rely on “dropping hints” and “hoping” when it comes to communication within your relationship. If you’re “too afraid” to bring something up with your partner, that indicates that something is very wrong.

Think hard about where that fear is coming from. Has Nessie done anything to indicate that speaking your mind with her is unsafe in any way? If so, leave that relationship. If the anxiety is coming from your own unaddressed assumptions and patterns, you need to find a way to deal with those so that you can communicate effectively with your partner. A relationship where you can’t speak your mind due to fear of their response is unacceptable, and you need to take immediate steps to address that dynamic.

How can I find people to date if everyone sees me as "taken"?

One of the biggest issues we have in finding a partner (for either of us) is that people lose interest when they find out we are already in a relationship. Even if we say we are open/poly, we are still seen as taken. What do we do?

It sounds like the issue here is with the culture, community, or scene you’re dating within. As someone who’s been practicing polyamory for over ten years, I’ve discovered that certain avenues of dating are generally closed to me. For example, when I’m at work, the fact that I have a long-term partner does come up in casual conversation. This means that coworkers who might have developed a little crush, or be interested in flirting, will file me as “unavailable.” If I wanted to pursue someone who knew me like that, I’d need to be really explicit about letting them know that I was actually interested in dating and ask if they’re interested in dating someone who is partnered. 

If you’re actively seeking new partners, flings, dates, etc. my recommendation would be to focus your efforts where you’re not fighting this uphill battle of trying to convince people that you are actually available. Online dating lets you be really explicit about your polyamory and filter matches based on their relationship status or orientation. Polyamorous communities in your area are also a good place to start. 

Was my relationship poly?

Hi in October of 2019 I was at my school dance and at the end 3 other girls and I decided we were dating I guess. Then one of the girls left. And then a few days or weeks later because I don’t remember, someone else came in I guess?And then another one of the first three girls left. Then the girl that joined moved away and it was really confusing Bc I didn’t know whether we were over or not. And we (the other two) didn’t talk to her for a while. And then a few weeks later we all broke up. Poly?

Based on the fact that this happened at a school dance and you refer to yourselves  as “girls,” I’m going to guess that all parties involved are under 18. Now, I’m not saying that people under 18 can’t be polyamorous or can’t know that they are polyamorous - but in your case, it sounds like this is just standard teenage messiness.

It’s really hard to be a young person navigating relationships. You have these moments, like dances, where there’s so much external pressure to feel and do certain things. You face a lot of ambiguity and a lack of agency when it comes to things like moves and staying in touch. Everyone is still figuring out who they are, what they want, and how they communicate.

If you feel like your relationship was polyamorous, then that label can be helpful for you! Wanting to date as a group, or getting involved in a multi-person relationship, is definitely an indication that something polyamory-shaped is going on! Using that label might be able to help you find resources to prevent drama like this in the future and understand more about what you want in relationships.

But if this was an unpleasant experience, one you found confusing and don’t particularly want to repeat, then it doesn’t really matter what you call it. It sounds like a painful and frustrating episode in your young dating life, and it’s more important to take care of yourself than to figure out exactly what set of letters and syllables you think people on the internet might apply to the situation.

Amplifying Melanated Voices - polyamory & non-monogamy

Instead of posting Ask Polyamory content this week, I will be amplifying Black voices in the area of sexual health, relationships, reproductive justice, and other relevant topics. Please support these creators and organizations with your readership, donations, and other amplifying actions.

If you would like your blog or content to be featured here, please reach out.

Black & Poly - Black & Poly is a community where we ask the questions and share the stories that too often go unexamined because of fear or shame. Our goal is to provide an eclectic, culturally rich environment where people can come together to socialize, learn, and share common interests related to polyamorous living.

Alicia Bunyan Sampson - ALICIA BUNYAN SAMPSON is an independent filmmaker, writer, counsellor/advocate and researcher based in Toronto. She focuses her work primarily on her identity as a black woman, love, trauma, sexuality and non-monogamy. Her academic and creative research focuses on the intersections of sexual trauma, race and gender identity. She is currently working on a documentary series about polyamorous black people. She has a forthcoming book, No Filter: Diary Of A Polyamorous Black Girl set to be published by Thorntree Press.

Black Sex Geek - Ruby Bouie Johnson, sex therapist and educator.

Evita Sawyers - Black, Bisexual, Polyamorous, Feminist, and Opinionated

Poly Role Models - Spotlighting the perfectly-flawed, wonderfully unique people and relationships that make up polyamory!

I'm in happy, established polyamorous relationships - so why do I feel like I want to date more people?

I'm madly in love with my partners, but sometimes I think I would like to see someone else as well, just casually. I don't have a ton of experience with poly outside of my little 'cule, so I was hoping for some guidance from someone with more experience: Do I really want a new partner? Or do I just want more from my current partners? I haven't been thinking about anyone in particular, I just feel like I want someone to flirt with and go on dates with. I do feel like I don't get a lot of that with my partners anymore. But I can't tell whether my interest in dating someone new springs solely from that or from just wanting someone new.

I’m not psychic, so I can’t tell you for sure what you “really want,” but I can tell you that NRE is a hell of a drug, and it’s very common to crave a new hit after a while without it. The early stages of a relationship, with all the flirting and the excitement, are fun!

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your established relationships while also realizing that you are also in the mood for the experiences that come with pursuing something new or more casual. When I get that itch, I usually spend some time bonking around on various dating platforms and have a few flings. Sometimes those flings turn into long-term relationships, sometimes they don’t.

(Always ethically pursue flings - if you know you want something that’s low-commitment and mostly for fun, be up front about that! It’s not usually too hard to find someone interested in the same. There is nothing wrong with enjoying some flirting that isn’t expected to turn into a partnership.)

Of course, it’s also okay to decide that you don’t want to actually pursue a new fling, but that these feelings are alerting you to some unaddressed issues in your existing relationships. Talk to your partners about wanting to pump up the romance, and see if you can’t get creative with some date nights, spiced-up sexual play, or new ways to flirt.

These days, a lot of people are finding outlets in online chats. I actually set my OKCupid range to “anywhere” and messaged people I had a 99% match with, and have made some fun new friends. Consider asking one of your existing partners if they want to swap some steamy stories, and/or poking around the corners of the internet where people who share your interests are hanging out!

What are some good three-person cuddling positions?

I know this isn't the type of question you normally deal with, and its not nearly as emotional charged but answers are difficult to find and sometimes even more difficult to understand. Anyway, do you have any three-person cuddling positions that you recommend to us?

This question is difficult to answer, because it’s just going to be so specific to the three people who are cuddling! The most important thing is to figure out what works for you three - where everyone is bony and squishy, who runs hot and who runs cool, who likes the backrest of the couch and who wants to be sprawled out.

There is no correct way to cuddle - sometimes just making contact with feet, or a head on a thigh, is perfect! And trying to fall asleep together is different than watching a movie together. No position is going to be perfect; you’ll probably need to shift around to fall asleep or make it through a movie, or even just over the course of a discussion.

Experiment with different things - maybe the couch is hard to arrange everyone on, but cuddle piles on the bed or beanbag work better. Try to relax and let your bodies settle in to each other, whatever level of contact or touch feels good at that time.

If you want to look at specific references, honestly, the best thing I could suggest is looking through fanart tagged with terms like “ot3,” “triad,” and “poly’ combined with things like “cuddle” or “snuggle.” But don’t get too stuck on trying to replicate a specific image.

My first experience with "polyamory" was very negative

My first experience in poly was forced. I wanted to try to see what it was like and he scheduled a date without telling me, then forced me to deal with it after I had cried to him for four days saying I needed him that night and he went and had sex without a condom without talking to me about that. Is this normal? Am I wrong for being upset about it 5 months later?

If by “normal” you mean “within the bounds of decent and appropriate behavior,” no, what this person did was not normal at all. This is not how polyamory is meant to be practiced, and this is not a healthy introduction to polyamory.

If by “normal” you mean “common,” then yes, unfortunately, people being scumbags and trying to excuse their unacceptable behavior by calling it “polyamory” happens far more often than it should.

No one should ever put you in a situation where you feel “forced.” That is completely not okay, especially in the context of relationships, intimacy, or sexuality. What this guy did was absolutely atrocious and you have every right to feel upset.

You don’t say whether you are still involved with this guy. If you are, please sever those ties immediately. If he is the one making you feel like your emotions are “not normal,” please feel free to ignore his perspective.

If you feel like polyamory is not something you want to try engaging with again because your first experience with what-this-guy-said-was-poly was so terrible, that is completely fine. You don’t owe it to anyone - not this guy, not yourself, not the nebulous polyamorous community - to ‘get over’ this or to adjust your emotions based on what someone else thinks is “normal.”

Since you use the word “forced” twice in your message, and since you’re talking about issues around intimacy and sexuality, and since you’re concerned about how upset you feel in the wake of this experience, I’d strongly recommend talking to a therapist about this. You experienced a violation and you deserve help to work through how you’re feeling.

Is multiple partnerships a "need" for someone who is polyamorous?

I'm still new, as I only recently started thinking I was polyamorous, and my gf of 5 months is aware and okay with me dating other people and it's really healthy between us. My question is, do polyamorous people NEED multiple partners? I'm okay with just having one partner, but I would rather have two or three. Is that still normal, or at least not impossible?

Polyamorous people don’t “need” multiple partners, because no one fundamentally “needs” a romantic partnership to survive. We need air, and food, and water, and sleep, and things like that.

But that’s a bit of a glib answer. Technically monogamous people don’t “need” partners either, but many people’s desire to be partnered is strong enough that it can feel like a requirement for a fulfilling life. There’s an entire media genre centered around the ways that people seek romantic partnership to meet a perceived need in their life!

Some people “need” certain things, not to survive but to be happy. Some people find that their most fulfilled life must include raising kids, or being able to express themselves artistically, or living close to nature. For some people who are polyamorous, it may certainly be that their best life can only be lived by being in multiple partnerships. Whether this is a “need” is ultimately a question of semantics.

Given the other details in your question, it doesn’t seem like this is a hair you need to spend much time splitting. If your partner is okay with you dating other people, and things are working in a healthy way, does it really matter whether this is something you’d be unable to live well without, or just something you really want? It doesn’t matter how “normal” your experience is - it’s your experience, and the only person it needs to work for is you!

You also answer your own question there when you say you’d be “okay” with just one partner, but “would rather” have two or three. You sound pretty self-aware that you know what it would take for you to be in a relationship that you are “okay with” vs one where you get more of what you want. You have all the information you need, so just keep on doing what you’re doing.

My partner and I tried polyamory, but it ended in a messy breakup

Me and my ex wanted to start a poly relationship. I found a girl and I fell in love with her. This was a year ago. Issues came up because they refused to communicate and recently they broke up with me to be with each other. I feel hurt, betrayed, and destroyed. I fell out of love with her because of how little she showed me love but I still love him dearly. In my head I hate her. I feel like she stole him from me. I know he had a choice in it. He says he doesn’t really know her that well but says he wants to give their relationship a try. It feels like he’s keeping me off to the side just in case their relationship doesn’t work. I’m so angry I don’t know what to do.

Ultimately, this isn’t a “polyamory advice” question, it’s just a really crappy situation that you’ve found yourself in. I’m sorry that happened to you, and it sucks. When your partner leaves you for someone else, when you feel hurt and betrayed by someone, when you feel anger and hatred, that all sucks. I am sorry.

My advice would be to take some serious space from both of these people. I know you still love your boyfriend, but he made choices that left you feeling “hurt, betrayed, and destroyed” and he is currently dating someone who you “hate.” All that together means it’s probably not wise to try and attempt any kind of closeness with him right now.

If you feel like he’s “keeping you off to the side just in case,” the solution to that is to not let him. Do not wait around for him to end things with her. Decide for yourself that you’re not interested in getting back with a guy who did this, and do what you need to do to move on.

You say that you’re so angry that you don’t know what to do, and honestly, there really is nothing to “do” here. You can’t change her behaviors or his choices. This situation isn’t something you need to act on or resolve. Take a huge step back and let yourself let go of trying to change or fix this.

Tend to yourself and your anger. Journal, cry, go for a run, scream into a pillow, call a friend, eat some comfort food. You’re grieving two relationships and healing from a messy breakup. Do what it takes to get through that.

I want my wife to see other men, but she doesn't want to

I want my wife to date other men. I talked her into having sex with other men before and it was great but now she is hesitant.

Usually, if someone has to be “talked into” doing something, it means they don’t really want to do it. Sometimes, they may discover that they like it, and they may be glad for the push. But most of the time, that’s not the case. And clearly it was not “great,” since she doesn’t want to do it again.

Your wife did everything she could be expected to in this situation. You wanted to try something new sexually, and it sounds like she was willing to try it out, even though it wasn’t something she was personally excited about. Now that she’s tried it out, she’s learned that it isn’t something she enjoys.

That’s it, that’s all the information you need. Stop pressuring your partner to do something that they don’t want to do. If she needed to be “talked into it,” and now she’s “hesitant,” you have plenty of information. Listen to what your wife is telling you, which is “no.”

If this is something you can’t live without in a relationship, you need to make some serious choices about continuing the marriage. But if you want to stay married to your wife, you need to drop this. She tried it, it didn’t work, so stop trying to force the issue.

Think about what gets you off about your wife having sex with other men, and whether there is a compromise that can be found. Maybe watching porn or fantasizing together could scratch that itch. But please wait a while before even bringing up an attempted compromise, and if she says no, you need to take no for an answer and not wheedle or whine or try to “talk her into it.”

My wife is participating in an affair

My wife & I are polyamorous. She has been seeing one of her old crushes from when they were kids, only now he is in a monogamous relationship with his wife of 4 years. They have been talking day & night non-stop, sharing their romantic & sexual feelings for each other. She knows that she's having an affair & doesn't care for the girl's feelings, only I feel terrible about it. I am so thrilled my wife is happy in her new relationship, but I feel upset that it's unethical nonmonogamy. Any advice?

Have you talked to your wife about this, and gotten a clear statement from her that she “doesn’t care” about the fact that she’s participating in something unethical? And have you clearly expressed to her that you feel upset by her choices?

As in most things, your first step is to make sure you’ve had a clear and open conversation about what’s going on for you emotionally. Let her know that you are glad for her to have found a happy relationship, but your problem is with the unethical side of what’s going on.

She could then decide that she doesn’t want to continue making a choice that makes her partner uncomfortable, or that makes her partner see her in a less-than-stellar light. She could, however, tell you that she hears your concerns but will continue as-is.

Then you’ll need to decide how to respond. Are you okay staying in a relationship with a person who behaves that way? Do you need to enact boundaries around her sharing about this relationship with you? Would you feel ethically compelled to let the wife know?

All we can do is act on the information we have. Give your wife a chance to provide you with plenty of information about what she is doing and plans to do; then let her know what you are going to do in response to that information. I am sorry that you’re in this situation!

My wife faced discrimination over being polyamorous, which is making her reconsider trying it

Me and my wife went poly about 2 months ago, everything was fine until just recently someone reported her for harassment at her work for being poly all because this person doesn't like how friendly she is with other people and thinking she just wants to screw them since she’s poly. Now she doesn't want to due to this. So first of all is that discrimination and can we fight it or like what? Second I still want to be poly but I don't know how to explain it to her and whatnot.

Okay there’s a lot going on here. For starters, the harassment report at work. Polyamory is not a protected class, so this would not be discrimination in a legally actionable sense. If it is true that this person simply reported her for “being poly,” then your wife probably has nothing to worry about besides some annoying conversations with HR. However, if her company culture is very conservative, she may be up against more challenges.

It’s important to remember that most people think “polyamory” is a sexual behavior, not an identity or relationship style. So they can feel uncomfortable or harassed by hearing a coworker talk about it. If someone at work asked me what I did over the weekend, and I said “I went to a BDSM party and got spanked,” or “I hd great sex with my girlfriend and came three times,” that would be wildly inappropriate for work and my coworkers would be justified in feeling uncomfortable. But if I said “I went on a date with my boyfriend” or “I saw a movie with my partner,” that would be fine.

The sticky part comes when you say “I went on a date with both of my boyfriends.” We as polyamorous people understand that this is just as reasonable to say and is not a violation of anyone’s decency. But some people do perceive that as an over-sharing of private, sexual information. And sometimes that battle is worth fighting, and other times, when someone’s livelihood is at stake, it might not be worth it to try and educate a bunch of people at your job. So your wife needs to figure out how much she is willing to risk to be “out” at work.

However, if this is about behavior on your wife’s part that someone perceived as harassing, that’s different than being reported simply for “being poly.” If the way that she is friendly with people at work is inappropriate or makes someone uncomfortable, that’s not relevant to her polyamory - though her behavior could be seen through a more sexualized lens if she is also talking about her polyamory. In that case, she should stop behaving that way at work and follow whatever procedures her workplace has to resolve the issue. If this is instead some social drama more related to someone’s petty jealousy over other people’s workplace friendships and someone just trying to use details of her personal life to cause problems for her, hopefully her HR department will see through that and let the matter drop.

So my advice for her on that count is to be professional and responsible and listen carefully to what she needs to do about this report. It could amount to nothing but a disgruntled coworker complaining about something dumb, or on the other extreme end, she could lose her job. Since polyamory is not a protected class, that would be legal. You could find a lawyer and try to fight it, but you’d need to decide whether an expensive and drawn out court battle over a very new-to-the-legal-system concept is worth it. She could also decide to be less “out” at work, or look for another job where she is more comfortable and accepted.

As for her not wanting to try out polyamory with you, it seems like there’s more to the situation than that. If it’s what you two have decided is right for you and your relationship at this time, some aggravation from her coworkers shouldn’t be able to fully re-balance those scales. But if she’s feeling freaked out about facing social censure, that’s understandable. If she’s realizing that she isn’t committed or invested enough in polyamory to make the sacrifices it can require, that’s good information to have.

It’s less about “how to explain it to her” and more about having an open conversation. What is she concerned about? What was she hoping for when you two “went poly,” and what is making her want to reconsider? How can you support her through the stress of the workplace report? Where might you two find community outside of her friends at work? Would she be happy trying polyamory while having to stay closeted about it in some areas of her life? Take it all in and treat it as information that can help you two make an informed choice about how to move forward.