One of my partners has recently gone sober; I myself have been through rehab for eating disorders. I wanted to see if you had advice for what I and our other partner could do to support her? She has reached out to people and is going to AA meetings.

I asked a friend of mine who is polyamorous and 5 years sober for some thoughts - so this is my very first Polyamory Advice Guest Blogger column! Yay! Here’s what my friend has to say:

It’s great that you want to help and that you’re reaching out for advice! Not everyone going into recovery has understanding friends who proactively want to help, and you can be a great asset. 

A very important thing to remember is that everyone’s recovery journey is unique, and you should never assume you know what will help, even if you have gone through something similar yourself.

As with poly relationships, communication is key - let her know you support her and want to help, then ask her what she wants/needs. The answer might be “nothing,” or “I don’t know,” in which case I suggest you keep asking what you can do as time goes on and when it seems appropriate - many times the first offer can be seen as a token attempt, and repeatedly saying you want to help lets her know you mean it.

That said, here are a few things I and people I know have found helpful from friends, all with the caveat that if she says she wants something different you should respect her word above mine.

- Don’t radically change the way you act around her. Being overprotective or tip-toeing around the subject of alcohol is more likely to annoy her than help her. Her life is undergoing radical change, and there’s tremendous value in friends and partners who stay firm and stable throughout.

- Explicitly let her know that you support her sobriety but will also stay with her through a relapse, if one were to happen. A common danger point is someone relapsing but being too afraid to tell their support network because they don’t want to disappoint them, leaving them without the resources they need to get sober again.

- Give her permission to set clear boundaries, but don’t set her boundaries for her. Make offers like “if you want me to hide the alcohol in my place when you come over, just let me know,” or “hey, I’m happy to not drink when we go out, would that be helpful?” Hopefully this will make her feel comfortable enough to ask for what she needs without prompting, too.

- Don’t inform others about her sobriety without her explicit permission. Especially early on, many people in recovery need to control who knows and how they find out. Don’t out someone’s sobriety without permission, just as you wouldn’t out them about being queer/poly/kinky/etc.

- Take care of yourself. Make sure you’re keeping up with whatever recovery work, therapy, self-care, medication, etc. you’re on. It’s not selfish - it’s why airplanes always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first! You can’t help someone else if you’re fighting for your own survival. 

- Don’t discount the incredible usefulness of practical help. Driving her to an AA meeting, helping with paperwork for a therapist, doing some laundry or dishes, taking her car in for maintenance because the little light thingie has been on forever - whatever it takes to reduce the background anxiety and overall life clutter that can feel overwhelming or like a major obstacle when you’re working on your mental health.

Good luck to her, and to you! Recovery is not an easy or painless process, but it is worth it.

P.S. Since this isn’t a question unique to polyamory, know that you can also get support experts in the field. Al-Anon is an organization designed to help people whose loved one is dealing with addiction, so check to see if there is a chapter in your area! If she is getting pushback from mental healthcare providers or people in her AA group about having multiple partners supporting her in recovery, check to see if there is an LGBTQ-specific AA meeting in the area or a poly-friendly professional she can work with.

I recently had a threesome with a couple of friends, and it was fun in the moment, but later I heard them having sex again without me while they thought I was asleep, and then I regretted the threesome and felt gross about it. Is this normal?

Remember like 15 years ago when all the cool Hot Topic scene kids had buttons on their messenger bags that said “normal is a setting on a washing machine”? I don’t always advocate for taking life lessons from an angsty tween, but in this case, you could do worse. It doesn’t really matter whether other people have this feeling - you did, and it’s valid.

I can tell you that it is very “normal” to have strong, sometimes unexpected, feelings about, during, and after sex. Sex is a big deal for our brains and our bodies, and it can trigger all sorts of emotional and physiological sensations. Add that to the fact that most of us grow up steeped in a sex-negative culture that makes us feel ashamed or afraid of those strong feelings. Plus, in our heteronormative, monogamy-centric world, we are given few, if any, healthy ways to understand things like threesomes and non-monogamy.

So you’re okay. You’re normal. It’s okay to sit with and think about that feeling. Maybe it means that threesomes just aren’t for you, and that’s okay! It’s okay to try something and realize there’s something about it that you don’t enjoy. You can start to set boundaries around that to protect yourself now that you know it isn’t good for you. That may mean not having threesomes anymore, or asking future threesome partners not to have sex without you while you’re present.

Or, you could be battling some internalized shame and sex-negativity that is preventing you from enjoying something you otherwise would! Maybe you’ve been taught to feel gross and regretful about sex and want to unlearn that. Maybe the solution is to drag those feelings of ‘grossness’ and regret into the light, look at them sitting there all unpleasant and useless, and say “yeah, you don’t come from anything real and you don’t offer me anything healthy, and I reject you.” This is a process many people in the kink/BDSM community are familiar with.

Ultimately, it’s up to you whenever you have a feeling - you can decide that your feeling is telling you something important and helping you identify a something that’s not working for you; or, you can decide that your feeling is coming from a place of fear, threat, or shame and you want to understand and challenge it more. Either way, you’re normal, you’re fine, and you deserve to have a sex life that makes you feel good!

Heya, I’m very new to the poly-situation, and my partner is poly. I really want to try the open relationship format, and yet I’m still worried. I’m feeling as if I’ll be rejected or abandoned, and this stresses both me and my partner out. I have this line of reasoning that if I just persist, I’ll learn to be enthusiastically accepting of my partner’s polyamory, and that the feelings of abandonment and rejection will fade - and I guess I just want to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks!

In some cases, you can “persist” and “fake-it-til-you-make-it” out of certain feelings. (Just ask anyone who was super grossed out by poop and then became a parent.) In other cases, slamming yourself against an emotional wall over and over will just wear you down. 

My advice here is to not just rely on the passage of time to make certain feelings fade. Remember that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results rarely ends well. If a certain situation makes you feel bad, just forcing you to stay in that situation probably won’t make you feel better.

But there is self-work you can do to help manage your fears of abandonment and rejection. I sound like a broken record, but therapy, especially from a poly-friendly professional, can often help. Check out my FAQ page for people wanting to try polyamory for the sake of a partner, but struggling with it.

Read up on polyamory and the advice other people have for managing these feelings. A good place to start is my poly resources page. Some more resources:

I know this isn’t necessarily about polyamory but I need help. The person I’m dating cheated on me. They’re still friends with the person they cheated on me with and sometimes they chose to hang out with them over me. I have massive breakdowns every single time and I’m so worried about them cheating on me again or about there still being a relationship there or something and I just don’t know what to do because it hurts so bad and I have such a hard time with this.

If being in a relationship is making you have “massive breakdowns” and “hurts so bad,” it’s probably not a healthy relationship for you to be in.

I’m not saying everyone who gets cheated on should instantly leave the relationship, but it is a pretty serious dealbreaker for most people. Staying together after the betrayal of cheating requires lots of effort and energy directed toward healing the relationship. If your partner isn’t willing or able to do that work, don’t stay with them.

Have you asked your partner to stop spending time with the person they cheated on you with? Have you told them how hurt and upset you feel in this situation? If they are willing to work with you to help get through this painful period and heal from the cheating, great. But if not - or, even if they are willing, they aren’t able to give you what you need - leave the relationship.

my partner has been very reckless with sex and often doesn’t use protection with their male partner and there have been a few occasions where they have thought they may be pregnant and there have been a few occasions they said they’d been trying and i always get upset because they never talk to me about this and i feel its something they should be discussing with other partners if they’re planning to have a child? am i overreacting?

No, you’re not over reacting. Your feelings are your feelings, and you get to have them. Someone else might not care about this. But you do. 

The first step is to talk to your partner about this. Tell them what makes you feel concerned: “If you’re planning to get pregnant, I feel like I should be included in the conversation about that decision. Can we talk about how this impacts me?” Hopefully that conversation goes well and you two can take a more collaborative position on this.

In the end, though, there’s a big difference between “I feel like this situation deeply involves me” and “You need my permission to get pregnant.” You don’t get to make that call for someone else, and if they say “Nope, I don’t want or need to take your input into consideration, I am going to get pregnant or not based on what I want,” that is their right.

Your right, at that point, is to decide that you don’t want to be in that kind of relationship or situation. You may decide that a relationship with this person isn’t working for you because of their current family planning situation and the way they communicate about it. That’s for you to decide. 

Hi! Im writing an article/story about a poly relationship between 3 boys and 1 girl. Could you possibly give me information on how a relationship between 4 people like living in the same house and sharing a bed would be like?

First off, awesome job reaching out to do interviews and research for your writing - too many writers rely on assumptions and stereotypes to write about any minority population, and it’s bad for everyone.

I can’t actually give you that information, because I don’t live that life. If you’d like to interview some people living with multiple partners, I recommend that you draw up a list of questions you’d like the answers to, then put them out there to have people in the poly community share their answers. You can send it here, post it in the poly tags, post it to r/polyamory, etc.

I also recommend reading up about polyamory - you’ll want to know what the different terms are, exactly what kind of poly relationship is it (is it a closed/polyfidelitous quad, or are the people dating in separate linked pairs?), and things like that. You can get lots of examples of the types of challenges poly families face and things like that from blogs and articles that are already out there. Check out my list of resources here to start!

Not sure if you’ve answered something like this already but - One of biggest issues with possibly being poly is dealing with the idea that my relationships aren’t as strong as the ones that mono people have. Like when people say they love their “one and only” and they only have eyes for their person.. it makes me feel like crap for not being satisfied with just having my girlfriend. Any advice or words of wisdom?

Everything I can say to this falls so annoyingly in the category of “easier said than done,” for which I apologize. It has taken me years of therapy, lots of time, money, effort, reading, self-work, and angst to even get to the point where I know what advice to give here, and I won’t pretend I’m always good at taking said advice. But here goes…

Other people’s opinions do not have to be your reality. If you’re walking down the street eating a chocolate ice cream cone, and someone walks up to you and yells CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM IS DISGUSTING AND EVERYONE HATES IT, the best response is to just ignore them, walk away, and - this is important - keep enjoying your ice cream. So someone else doesn’t like it? That’s their problem.

I used to have a job where I’d get emails from people constantly telling me how to do my job, that I was terrible at my job, etc. I got very good at giving a pleasant “thank you for your feedback” response and shrugging it off. People will share their thoughts with you. You are free to receive those thoughts, decide they aren’t useful or helpful, and let them go.

Again, if you were walking down the street and I came up to you and handed you some garbage and said THIS IS TREASURE! HERE, CHERISH THIS! you are welcome to take the garbage, look at it, decide that it is garbage, and decline to continue carrying it. You can gently hand it back to me, or just toss it once you walk away. Just because I think it’s great doesn’t mean you have to as well.

People out there have one worldview, a monogamous worldview, about what love is. You don’t have to agree with it. You don’t have to live in their perspective. You can hear that and think “hm, yep, that’s your perspective.” And then move on with your life. Someone disagreeing with you or being different from you doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It just means you’re different. 

If you find yourself feeling torn down and invalidated by mono-speak, try finding positive ways to challenge those ideas. Make a playlist of love songs that don’t use only-have-eyes-for-you concepts to express love. Read some blogs, webcomics, fics, etc. that represent polyamorous love in a healthy, normal light. Find a poly meetup near you so you can connect with other people who ‘get it.’

If there is a specific source in your life of these kinds of ideas that make you feel torn down, try and reduce that source’s impact on you. If someone in your life talks like that all the time, gently ask them to try and tone it down: “when you say things like that, it makes me feel like my polyamorous relationships are being portrayed as lesser-than. Can you try to avoid phrases like that?” If it’s a TV show or genre of music or film that contains these ideas, try and branch out from that. 

Above all, practice self-affirmations and self-love: “My relationships are strong and healthy.” “I am full of love and I express it in meaningful ways.” “My love is not inferior to a monogamous person’s love.” Practice that - meditate on it, set it as your phone background, journal about it, whatever -  so you can rest in that truth when the bad feelings rise up. When you know and livenyour truth, you can come into contact with someone else whose truth is different and not feel so threatened. 

My girlfriend’s girlfriend has apparently expressed interest in being a prostitute as she’s currently unemployed and doesn’t want to look for work elsewhere. I’m torn between being a feminist who supports sex work as a legitimate profession and knowing that: a) while I don’t think sex work is inherently shameful I know it can be dangerous. If not for the risk of pregnancy and STDs for the risk of Johns, Pimps, and Cops. b) she’s a deeply unstable person who I think mentally would not be suited for sex work. c)  she hasn’t thought through any of the logistics and doesn’t care about finding something more stable and legal to support her household.

Above all I need to protect the health of myself and my poly family. My girlfriend seems uncomfortable with it but also says it’s her body and she can do what she pleases with it and that she won’t leave her if she becomes a prostitute. My partner is very uncomfortable and will not allow any contact to come back to him. So if A becomes a sex worker and still has sex with B, I can’t have sex with B anymore if I still want to have sex with D. D has a kid and is very worried about A bringing Hep C or something into our family. Frequent testing has come up in conversation but that can take weeks so logistically it seems a mess. She won’t do non-contact sex work like camming or dancing either instead.

Can I still be sex positive and safe and find a work around with this situation? Do I have to choose between partners B and D because of A’s lifestyle choice? Am I being too judgmental of A’s choice of employment and are D and I overreacting? Should I try to convince D to stay with me with conditions like frequent testing and protection if A goes through with it or try to convince A to find a job that isn’t putting us all at risk for STDs? I’m also worried that A might do it and that B might lie to keep us together despite knowing A is a prostitute.

This is a longer question than I usually post, but it’s an interesting one and not one I’ve answered before, so I decide to run it anyway, but with the answer under a cut for the sake of people’s dashboards.

First, an easy concern to assuage: worrying about people who have STIs being around kids are probably unfounded. Unless you have a specific concern, like if the child has special medical needs that create extra risk, you can let go of that concern. If you are really worried, you can ask a pediatrician: “if we have a close family member diagnosed with Hep C, are there any extra precautions we should take?”

Can you be sex positive and still not want to be part of this situation? Yes, absolutely. Be careful about letting guilt about ideological purity make you feel pressured into doing something you’re not comfortable with. You can still be sex positive and support sex workers without deciding that this specific situation is safe and healthy for you. It does not make you a bad person, a bad feminist, or sex-negative to make a judgment call about the safety of your family. You are not obligated to participate in a situation that makes you unhappy or puts your relationships at risk just because someone in that situation is a sex worker. (I am a woman, but every feminist on earth is not obligated to be my best friend and send me twenty dollars. Although you can if you want to.)

Do you have to choose between two partners? I think that’s the wrong framing of the situation. Everyone in this situation has a choice to make based on the information they have. Much of the information you all have to go on is what choice someone else made, and the projected consequences of that choice. D is choosing to say “I will not date someone who sleeps with anyone who sleeps with sex workers.” That is totally his right to set those terms for his relationship. You can choose to stay in that relationship on those terms, or you can decide that those terms are too restrictive, since they require you to give up sex with B. Everyone is making the choice they think is best for them in response to other people’s choices. No one is forcing anyone to do anything.

Are you overreacting? I can’t make that call for you. Everyone has different thresholds for risk. But in this situation, knowledge is power. Unfortunately, I am not knowledgeable enough about sex work to give you specific information. You may want to visit a sexual health clinic, call a sexual education hotline, or talk to your sexual healthcare provider to get a clearer understanding of what risks are actually faced by A, B, C, and D in this situation. 

That includes not only the risks of STIs, but also risks of secondary trauma and being pulled into an emotionally, legally, or physically risky situation. Find someone who can help you identify which of your concerns are realistic and need to be managed vs. which are are not. Understand your tolerances: what risks are you concerned about, and what are boundaries you need to set to make those risks more manageable? If you don’t trust A to do a good job respecting those boundaries and managing those risks, that’s something to consider. 

Are you being too judgmental? Maybe. You believe that this person “doesn’t care about” or “hasn’t thought through” certain things, and while that may be your opinion based on your observations, you can’t really make an objective call about someone else’s internal state. You may also believe that she is “deeply unstable” and not suited to sex work, but you are not the Universal Arbiter Of Who Is And Is Not Cut Out For Sex Work.

It is okay to make judgment calls based on your observations - but “this person is creating a situation I don’t want to be part of” is about you. “This person is doing things wrong” is about them. You can only truly know what’s best for you. Making that distinction is key. 

Should you try to convince someone else to do something they don’t want to do? No, I don’t think so. Everyone in this situation has the right to do what they think is best for them, even if you think they’re being unreasonable or making the wrong call. Perhaps you think D’s risk tolerance is too low. Perhaps you think A should be looking into another way of making money. But all you can do is positively and supportively try to share your perspective. Do not pressure or push someone to change their mind because you’re convinced that they’re wrong.

The last sentence gives me serious pause: if you set a very clear boundary with someone, and they lie to you to break that boundary, that is beyond not okay. That you think your partner is liable to disrespect your boundaries and put you and your other relationships at risk and lie to you about something so important is a serious problem. You need to think about whether this concern is coming from mistrust on your part, or whether you have evidence about B’s character that has previously shown them to be dishonest, selfish or manipulative. If you’re just feeling suspicious, you need to do some self-work on that. But if you have serious concerns about the trustworthiness of someone you’re dating, you need to think about how to work on that with them, or whether that’s a relationship dealbreaker. 

I been dating this guy for two years and he started to hit it off with my friend too. He dumped me for her but then after a short time he asked me out again. I didn’t know he was still dating her. We all had a long talk till I asked if we should try Polyamory dating with each other. It’s been awhile and I still can’t stand the thought of them together and get jealous easy because they hang out with each other and a girl that they both wanted to add to the relationship but I said no. Any advice?

Let me get this straight: your partner dumped you for someone, then asked if you would date him again while he was still dating her, you decided to try it out, but you still feel jealous about her. You, my friend, are a saint. Very few people are even willing to try making the transition from mono to poly in that kind of situation. 

It’s very reasonable that her relationship with this guy would feel like a threat to you, because at one point, it genuinely was. Dating polyamorously with a guy and the person he dumped you for is a serious emotional minefield, and you made the brave choice to try and navigate it, but it’s not working for you, and that’s very fair.

They have a right to hang out with someone you don’t want them to date, but again, it sounds like nothing about this relationship is emotionally healthy for you. You don’t deserve to be put in that kind of situation and expected to swallow your feelings of jealousy and insecurity while they just do what they want with no consequences. But the logical consequence here is that since they aren’t willing to be with you in a way that works for you, they don’t get to be with you. 

You may be someone who can be happy and fulfilled in a polyamorous relationship in the future, with someone else - but it sounds like this situation isn’t healthy for you. My advice is to say to yourself and to them that “hey, I tried to make this work, but this just isn’t something I can do. I wish you all the best, but I am going to leave this arrangement.” Then find someone to date, monogamously or polyamorously, who doesn’t make you feel this way!

Is there certain boundaries y’all have set with your primary partner when it comes to them finding a new partner? Whether it be for a relationship or just sex?

There’s only one of me here, so I can only answer for myself: first, I don’t have a “primary partner,” because I don’t practice hierarchical or tiered polyamory. There is no “primary” relationship that I try to protect or prioritize at the sacrifice of other relationships.

With my partners, however, I do have a few boundaries. Most of them are about general safety: they need to wear or use condoms with me and their other partners, and they need to not date anyone who is abusive or toxic. But I don’t have any specific ‘rules’ about how they can and can’t find a new partner or how they can and can’t behave with new partners or other partners.

If there was a specific case where something was an issue - if I had a concern about their behavior while dating or pursuing someone - I’d bring it up and we’d address it. Because we have boundaries and expectations around being honest and willing to work on issues in good faith. I find that it’s easier to have generic agreements about how to address any issue that comes up rather than specific rules or boundaries made in an attempt to prevent or circumvent problems we imagine may arise in the future.

But that’s just me. When it comes to your relationship, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does. You don’t need someone else’s pattern to follow when practicing polyamory - in fact, trying to fit yourself into a space someone else carved out for themselves will likely end in frustration. Identify your needs and work on methods of meeting those needs!

Here are some more resources about rules and boundaries in poly relationships:

Hi, I’m 19, queer and androgyne. I have this dream of having a poly relationship, of there being three or four of us and we all love each other and live together, and maybe raise a child together…but I’m a depressed, suicidal mess and I can’t imagine that even one person could ever love me, let alone multiple people. Should I give up on my daydream? Thank you for your help.

Short answer: no. Never. Absolutely not. You should not give up on your hope of a happy future with partners who love you. 

Your present situation is not your destination. 19 is very young. Few people have found true love, or loves, by the time they are 19. You have plenty of time to grow into a life and a self that are full of joy and fulfillment.

Also, remember that facts aren’t feelings. Feeling unlovable is not the same thing as being unlovable. Not being able to imagine a future doesn’t make that future impossible. Our perspectives are limited by our current landscape, but the reality of the future is not. Many, many people are living full, joyous lives that at one point they could never have pictured for themselves. 

You are not your feelings. Having messy feelings does not mean you are a mess. Whatever you’re struggling with does not define the core of your identity and your value as a person. You are a person, worthy of love, capable of growth and healing. You are not a mess.

Depression and suicidal thoughts are a mental health emergency, for which you need and deserve help. Know that you are not alone. This inability to imagine someone loving you and wanting to give up on the hope of a happy future are well-documented symptoms of mental health issues that have well-documented treatments as well.

Please check out my mental health resources here. If you’re not currently working with a therapist or mental healthcare professional, please start doing that. If you are, please talk to them about these fears you have and strategies for challenging them.

Know that the work you are doing now to heal means you are fighting for your future. You are laying the groundwork for future you to have awesome relationships and live an awesome life. Keep fighting for that future. You deserve it. You can make it. 

I’m a 15 year old demisexual girl and I’ve never been in a real relationship before. I’ve just discovered polyamory and I feel like I might be poly. But I’m not sure and I don’t know a lot about it and it sounds really right in my heart. I’m not sure and I need help learning more about it.

Most 15 year olds have never been in a “real relationship” yet. You’re definitely in the majority there!

There are tons of resources out there to learn about polyamory! You can find a bunch of them on my poly resources page here. There lots of resources online that you can read, and I also strongly recommend the books listed there as well! If you don’t have the ability to order books on Amazon, you can ask a local librarian to help you out with that.

It can feel daunting to just jump feet-first into a whole whirl of information, though, especially since much of it is aimed at adults and has a focus on things like sex, marriage, health insurance, parenting, and other stuff you may not be interested in at 15. So here are some things to start you off:

Remember that you don’t need to pin down your identity and carve it in stone at 15! This is an age to get to know yourself, experiment, figure out what works for you, try new things, make mistakes, try more things, and have a lot of fun. Put yourself first, do what feels good, and you’ll find your way!

My anchor boyfriend and I started dating over a year ago but over the past 6-8 months we’ve been fighting almost every day, usually because of his jealousy or passive aggressiveness. Recently I’m constantly walking on eggshells to avoid an argument, and over half of our plans end in him getting angry. I know some fights/jealousy is inevitable but I need someone to tell me that fighting that much isn’t healthy and that I’m not crazy for feeling like I deserve less chaos in my relationship

Fighting that much is not healthy.

You are not crazy.

You deserve less chaos in your relationship.

“Walking on eggshells” is a miserable place to be and will wear you down. Long-term anxiety from a bad relationship can destroy your physical health, your relationships with family and friends, and can even impact your career and finances.

Do not feel guilty or ashamed for needing to walk away from a situation that makes you unhappy.

You are not obligated to stay in a relationship that isn’t working for you.

If you need help leaving this relationship, talk to a therapist! That’s what they’re there for - they are Feelings Experts who can walk you through a tough situation. Just like you’d hire a lawyer if you got arrested, or a doctor if you got sick.

You can do this! Get out of there! His behavior and his feelings are not your responsibility. You deserve to be in a place with less fear, less anxiety, less fighting. 

You could say I’m questioning about being poly, but I also have a lot of anxiety. What are ways for me to be more accepting and less worried that potential partners will find someone better than me if I do get into a poly relationship or open relationship?

The first step is to get help for your anxiety! You know that your anxiety is preventing you from living your best life, and knowing is half the battle. (Well, at least the first step in the battle.) If you aren’t already, try talking to a therapist about the anxiety. If that’s not a step you’re ready to take, consider ordering some books or workbooks on anxiety-management techniques like DBT and CBT. There are also lots of apps, wearable tech gizmos, and websites to help you manage and reduce anxiety. You can find a bunch of resources on my page here.

As for anxiety specifically about polyamorous partners finding someone “better than you” - here I go again with the cliches - knowledge is power. Learning about polyamory, how it works, how other people manage those fears, and how to mitigate those, can really help. Do some research on polyamory - you can start with the books and websites listed here! There is some great advice already out there that might help you find your footing.

Also, and I know that it’s nearly impossible to reason someone out of an anxiety, but here’s my perspective on this anyway: in my experience, dating polyamorously actually reduces rather than increases the risk of your partners leaving you for “someone better.” With monogamy, if your partner meets someone they want to date, someone they find interesting, someone who offers the potential of an experience they haven’t had with you - they need to leave you, or cheat on you, in order to find that. With polyamory, your relationship with each partner is secure from that specific threat. They don’t need to torpedo your relationship to pursue someone else they’re interested in.

That’s not to say that poly people don’t get left, or broken up with, and it does happen that someone dating polyamorously decides to “go mono” with one of their partners and leaves their other partners - but polyamory does not mean that people are dating you while dating around in pursuit of someone “better.” It’s not about finding someone “better” than you. All people are different! You offer unique things emotionally, intellectually, sexually, etc. and so does everyone else! Coming back around to my first point, working on self esteem and security within yourself will be key to addressing this issue.

I’ve been in a ldr with my bf for about 8 months now. I was just wondering if it’s wrong of me to feel upset when he tells me about all the things he buys for his other partners but he never offers to buy me gifts or anything? I don’t just want gifts from him 24/7 and if he offered I’d probably tell him no but it’s the offer that counts. I don’t know why exactly it upsets me it just makes me feel less important I guess? What are your thoughts?

First off: feelings aren’t wrong, they’re just feelings. You don’t need permission to feel your feelings, it’s okay!

When it comes to polyamory, and long distance relationships, small things can often take on large emotional significance, and that’s totally okay. Problems happen when something that’s significant to one person isn’t even on the other person’s radar. (This is why, despite the weird conservative-“Christian” connections, I like the concept of Love Languages - I think it’s really helpful for understanding this kind of situation.)

It’s totally valid for you to feel hurt by someone else’s behavior, but that doesn’t make their behavior inherently bad or malicious. It’s not like your partner is in the store going “Hey, I’m totally going to buy something for Pearl and Amethyst, but NOT Garnet, because she’s less important! That’ll show her!” It’s probably an oversight, a mismatch of “love languages” - honestly, as someone who has lots of long distance loves, I’m less likely to buy them things just because it’s a whole extra step and expense to ship them. It sounds like you know that intellectually, but knowing that doesn’t make the emotional sting go away. Which is also totally okay!

The best thing to do in this situation is to gently bring it up with your partner. Something like “hey, it’s not that I want you to buy me things, exactly, it’s that I know you use gifts as a way to show affection for your other partners, and since we’re long distance and that’s harder to include in our relationship, it makes me feel left out.” Then you two can brainstorm a way for him to show you affection in that way as well - maybe he can send you little gifts online, ordered to your address; maybe you can pick out a monthly subscription box (they have those for EVERYTHING now, from candy to dog toys to underwear) for him to sign you up for, maybe you just need to think of another way he can show you that you’re important, like emails or letters. Or maybe you’ll just feel better hearing him say “oh, wow, I never realized that, I’m sorry, I never meant it that way!”

No matter what, having a gentle, non-accusatory chat about it should help you both out! (And if he gets angry or defensive or otherwise responds poorly to a very healthy, reasonable chat about your needs, that does NOT mean that you shouldn’t have brought it up or that your feelings were wrong - it’s a red flag about him.)

positive “not a question” messages!

sometimes I get happy fuzzy nice messages that are not questions, and I don’t usually post them, but we could all use some more love in our lives these days, so here are three happy messages I got recently!

hey there :) not really a question just wanted to show my appreciation for your work answering questions. You are always so eloquent and insightful. I really admire how you answer all these really loaded questions with such elegance.

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I know this isn’t a question, I just wanted to share my joy somewhere :). I just had a lovely cuddling and playing video games sesh with my boyfriend and his boyfriends

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I hope this doesn’t clutter your ask box. I just wanted to say I appreciate this blog so much! I love that most of your responses center around independence and communication. what I think of when I come across a poly (or general relationship) issue is: I want to be able to do what I like, and I really want you / you all to be able to do what you like. let’s see how we can all have as much freedom and autonomy as possible! so, thanks. keep doing your thing <3 <3

friends & followers: if you want to send me love or fanmail or happy poly anecdotes, definitely always do that! it is not a problem or a cluttering of my inbox, it always makes my day! (people who send me angry aggressive criticism never seem to worry about that lol)

meanwhile i’ll try to do more to spread the joy around. please take this moment - if there’s a teacher you remember who made a positive impact on you, send them a note; a customer service rep who was friendly, call their manager; a blogger or twitter you appreciate, send them a nice message; a coworker whose work you admire, leave them a note. it really can make someone’s day!

I can’t tell if I have commitment issues or if I’m a swinger or maybe I’m poly. I have a partner. One. Singular. And I want to keep them as my partner, I love them. But I kinda like the idea of allowing other people into our relationship. But am I doing this because I’m not entirely happy with my partner or am I not happy because I only have one partner? But I don’t want us seeing people separately, I want it to be a together thing. Like a love triangle where no corner is unloved by the other.

What you’re describing is polyfidelity or a poly triad. That is a common and doable polyamorous arrangement, as long as your partner is also on board.

I can’t tell you whether you feel this desire because something in you would be more fulfilled in a polyamorous triad, or because you’re unfulfilled with your current partnership. But that is a really important question to dig into! Consider reading up on polyamory, thinking about your “best case scenario,” and really giving some introspective time to working this out with yourself.

P.S. If you do decide that a triad is what you want, be careful with the phrasing of “allowing other people” into your relationship. Dating you two as a couple isn’t a privilege that people are clamoring to gain access to - in fact, it’s going to be something you’ll really have to work to make desirable. You can read more about that here.

I have a question. I’m in a relationship where I’m married to one of my partners and dating the other. I love them both intimately and committed to both, however they have no interest in each other. I was wondering what that would be called?

That is called V-shaped or Vee polyamory. 

You can learn more about poly terminology and types of poly relationships from the resources on this page!

I’m polyamorous and I hate my metamours. It’s not coming from a place of jealousy or hating them just because they exist, but because they have displayed inappropriate behavior towards me (disrespecting clear boundaries several times, displays of dominance, disrespecting my time with our shared partner) or have displayed manipulative/abusive/neglectful behavior towards my partners. It started with my boyfriend’s partner, I gave all the resources I could but when he ultimately decided to end the relationship his partner became physically abusive and dangerous. Now, my other partner is terminally ill and her partner doesn’t do anything to care for her, support their household (won’t get a job), and is self-centered and delusional. But, when I say anything about my metamours my partners defend them. How can I take care of the people I love when it’s not my place to tell them to break up with their partners but their partners are toxic to them and our relationship?

First, you gotta care for yourself. If someone is creating drama and tension in your life and your relationships, you have the right to step back from that. It can be maddening to see someone you love in an abusive relationship and not be able to convince them to leave it - but, ultimately, the only person whose choices you can control are yours.

Set clear boundaries for yourself and stick to them: “I’m happy to help you strategize about leaving Jern, but I cannot simply receive your venting about him mistreating you. If you only want a sympathetic ear, I am sorry, but you need to find it elsewhere.” Or, “I made plans to spend time with you, and if Jern is going to demand that you text him the whole time, I’m sorry, but I’m going to leave.”

Sometimes it’s necessary to take some distance from a toxic situation so you can breathe clear air for a while. You are not obligated to stay mired in someone else’s drama just because you care about them. You cannot force them to leave their problematic partners, but you can refuse to engage with the situation according to whatever boundaries you set. 

Within those boundaries, you can continue to be there for your partners - be a positive, supportive voice, continue reminding them that their metamours’ behavior is not okay and not something they deserve or need to endure. But it’s possible that these are wounds you alone cannot heal, and this is a problem you cannot solve even if you throw 110% of your emotional energy and time and effort at it. 

If someone is being threatening and physically abusive or dangerous, call the police. It may seem like a drastic move, but if you are concerned about domestic violence, it’s time to get the authorities involved. For your partner who is terminally ill, you may be able to get help from Adult Protective Services or a social worker at the hospital where they get treatment. But again, it’s nearly impossible to help someone who won’t let you - if your partner doesn’t want that kind of help, you may not be able to do much. 

Please check out some of my previous answers about similar issues:

Is it a thing to have a closed relationship but like with a little bit of sexual freedom? Like, for me personally, the idea of having an open relationship makes me feel awful inside, I will always have the desire to have a closed relationship regardless of how many people I’m dating. But I also like the idea of my partner(s) and I going out and having a threesome/foursome whatever, but only together. The idea of my partner(s) going out & being with someone w/out me present makes me feel awful.

Yes, this is a thing! It’s often called “swinging,” or just “I’m dating this person but one of our things we like to do together is have threesomes.” It’s very common and possible to have this kind of arrangement. Set boundaries and expectations up front, stay healthy and safe, and have fun.

I get lots of questions asking me if something is “normal,” or “common,” or if other people do it, or if there is a name for it - and what I want to remind everyone is that it really doesn’t matter whether other people do it or whether someone else has invented a word for it. If it works for you, if it’s healthy and fulfilling for you, it doesn’t matter whether you’re the first person on the planet to want that arrangement.

You don’t need permission or validation from other people. This isn’t a National Park where you need to stay on the trails and are not allowed to forge your own. If you can clearly articulate who you are and what you want, the next step is to live your truth, not look around to see if anyone else is doing it!