hey do you have any tips on asking your friends to form a polycule??? like not necessarily super romantic but like to… give it a status?? idk? bc im like crushing on everyone and everyone already acts like were all quasiplatonic partners theres just not really a “title” for it?? bc id really like that

Ah, yes, that eternally human sense that if something has a word, it’s more real. Love me some Derrida/Saussure. I live in a house that has a name and I know how satisfying and different it is when people say “I left my jacket at Ferngully” instead of “I left my jacket at Zinnia’s house.” When I was in high school, we got tired of saying “our group” or “our clique” (gross) so we gave our little crew of friends a name. There’s something really special and meaningful about that!

My main piece of advice is to be really clear about what you want. “Hey, it’s not that I am trying to change anything about our arrangement or make demands about commitment, I just want to be able to speak it in a way that feels real and honors the love that we share.” Then see if that’s something they’re interested in, and talk about terms and names together!

Hey! Simple question here. My boyfriend and I are both poly and bisexual. We have had conversations and came to the conclusion that we can only date other people of the same sex, and we cannot date our partner’s partner. Was wondering if there was a term for this, because I’m not sure (and also worried) about how to explain this to people… thanks for your time!

That is so specific that there is not currently a word for that arrangement, but if you come up with a good one, send it my way!

The part where you don’t date each other’s partners falls under V-shaped polyamory, and what you are trying not to form is a triad, so there are some terms you can use!

But the best thing you can do is just be clear and honest about your terms, boundaries, and what you’re looking for. “I am a polyamorous bisexual woman. I currently have a male partner and am only looking for female-identified partners.” and “I’m okay with my partners dating other people, except I am not comfortable with my partners dating my other partners.”

It’s not all that complicated or hard to explain! Some people will get it; others won’t. Some will be into it; others won’t. That’s just part of the package when it comes to dating! 

Would it be weird to date two siblings? Both of them are fine with it but Idk

My friend, I am but a humble internet advice columnist who goes by a floral pseudonym; I am not the eternal arbiter of what is weird.

If all parties involved are okay with it and no one is weirded out or uncomfortable, and all people are freely consenting, I don’t see any issues.

If you are uncomfortable or weirded out, or for whatever reason you don’t want to do something, don’t do it.

If you’re on the fence because some of you wants something and some of you isn’t sure, that’s okay too! Think it through, talk it through. Identify where your weirded-out-ness is coming from. Identify your needs and boundaries. Think about worst-case and best-case scenario. Practice openness and honesty with yourself and your potential partners.

I am not a practicing Wiccan, but I love their rede, or golden rule: “an it harm none, do what ye will.” Or, if you prefer, “do no harm but take no shit.” Go for what you want as long as no one gets hurt and everyone’s agency is respected in the process.

I have just discovered the poly world. I’m a girl seeing a guy and I think we’re both comfortable w the concept and might explore it. But I’m afraid I have the wrong idea, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. What I truly want is for me and my guy to be a couple while occasionally bringing other girls into the mix. Not even relationships, just sex partners. Is this truly polyamory then, if there’s no commitment or long-term partners, just occasional fun? I don’t want the girls to get hurt either.

While I constantly tell people on here that I’m not the arbiter of who gets to use the polyamorous identity label, I’m going to be a little bit of a hypocrite about this: I wouldn’t say that’s polyamory, necessarily. Swinging, perhaps; an open relationship; non-monogamy with a sexual focus; or just a couple who likes to have threesomes. You’ve got options!

That said, if identifying as polyamorous helps you and your partner understand what you’re doing, communicate openly, and identify and meet needs, then that’s totally fine! Resources about being “polyamorous” could be really helpful, and you may feel that identifying as polyamorous gives you two what you need to do this in a healthy and fulfilling way.

However, I would caution you to be really, really, really clear with all your potential partners about this. Saying that you are “polyamorous” without defining what that means to you can cause serious problems if the person has a different definition of “polyamorous” than what you mean. Assumptions and miscommunications like that are how people get hurt.

So be sure that you are very up front and clear about the fact that this is a sexual thing for you two, and that you’re looking for someone to have a threesome with, not commit to emotionally or involve in any other aspect of your relationship. 

prokopetz:

polystromy:

queerasstronomer:

queerasstronomer:

holy shit????? they’re talking about polyamory on the radio????????? and in a positive and understanding way?????? holy shit????

LMAO I TJOUGHT THIS DUDE AAS GONNA ASK SOME DUMBASS QUESTION ABOUT HOW SEX WORKS BUT INSTEAD HE GOES “okay so like…real important question here….who drives? like when u go places? do you call shotgun and then someone ends up all sad in the backseat?”

The real polyam questions

I’ve only ever met one poly couple face to face, so I’m sure this is by no means representative, but they avoided the issue by taking turns pretending to be a high-class chauffeur.

Like, one of them would sit up front and drive while the other two sat in the back, and when they arrived at their destination the driver would walk around and get the door for them, all *nods* “madam”.

They did this every time.

apparently this is not a completely uncommon question I can’t handle how funny and adorable and wonderful this is

So I’m in a relationship with 2 people. A guy and a girl, and I’ve been having trouble. I can’t help but feel like they both might leave me for each other or fall out of love with me all together. I have anxiety and I know they don’t like it and they want to help me, and I care for them both deeply but I’m still afraid that they’re just gonna get sick of me and leave. This is the first poly relationship I’ve had and it’s been giving me anxiety. I saw the advice and thought I might ask for help.

Are there specific things these two people do that spike your anxiety or make this fear seem founded? Are they a pre-existing couple who act in ways that privilege their couple-ness and make it clear that they’ll protect their relationship at the expense of what they have with you? If so, you need to talk to them about your position in this relationship, the kind of security you need, and figure out whether this is healthy for you to stay in.

If not - if your fears are unfounded and coming from inside your head rather than rational conclusions based on evidence - then you need to get help for those patterns of anxiety. These kinds of stubborn fears or convictions that you know other people secretly hate you or are planning to leave you are relatively common, especially in people with mental illnesses (though you can suffer from thoughts and feelings like these without having a diagnosable mental illness.)

Fortunately, since they are common as far as mental health issues go, there are lots of methods of treating them. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great way to learn to recognize and battle unhealthy thoughts. One aspect of CBT that I like is working through evidence for and against a thought. Ask yourself:

• What thought am I having?
• What evidence do I have that supports this?
• What evidence do I have that contradicts this?
  
• What would the world be like if this thought was true?
• Is that a world I want to live in?
• How can I challenge or let go of this thought?

There are lots of books, workbooks, apps, and other self-help guides out there, and it’s always great to work with a professional who can help you as well. Remember that you are not psychic, and feelings are not facts - whatever your brain is telling you about another person’s thoughts or motives is coming from inside you, and it may not be completely true.

It’s hard, because we’d like to be able to believe our thoughts and assume that our perceptions are based on unbiased observations, but that’s not always the case! Some people find it helpful to personify the ‘bad thoughts’ to get some distance from them - picturing a nasty little monster on your shoulder whispering in your ear they secretly hate you, you mean less to them than they do to each other, you are not secure in this relationship so you can look at it and say “you’re a gross liar, shut up and leave me alone.”

Some resources:

• My mental health resources page
• Reframing thoughts with CBT
• Breaking bad thinking habits
• CBT self-help worksheets
• Cognitive distortions

Hello! I just had a quick question. Are there any good dating sites/apps for poly people? My boyfriend and I are looking to become a poly relationship and we’re having trouble finding another partner.

I have an FAQ page on finding poly people to date here, and an FAQ page for couples looking to open their relationship here!

A few months ago, my partner’s wife said and did some really abusive things to him in front of me. I had to be in charge of stabilizing their really scary situation that badly triggered my domestic violence PTSD. For weeks she refused to talk to me or apologize, and instead of acknowledging what I did and how hard it was, he panicked and gave her all the attention because she was the one demanding it. How do I cope with this resentment/anger/feeling abandoned before it eats me alive?

First, please see a mental healthcare professional for help with your PTSD. This is not something you should have to deal with alone. Treatment and recovery options for PTSD are out there - take care of yourself. Check out these apps, this resource index, these resources, these self-help modules, or this workbook.

Second, tell your partner that this was a triggering situation for you and that you need his help and support. Try to be clear about what you need from him. 

Third, seriously reconsider whether this is a healthy relationship for you to be in. If your partner is making choices that put you in unsafe situations, or if your partner is unable or unwilling to support you when you need it, that’s not healthy. You may need to set new boundaries, like refusing to be around an unsafe person. If he cannot respect those boundaries, this isn’t a safe or healthy relationship.

First off may I say your blog has been so helpful to me and I am so happy that I found it, thank you so much for all the work you do <3. So after some research and thought I find I am both poly and mono, as in I would not mind either kind of relationship. Is this a common thing? Does this even count as being poly? And also, when I imagine my ideal poly relationship, its usually in which me and my partners are loyal to each other, as in we only see each other and no one else. Is this idealistic?

Is it a common thing? No real way of telling, honestly, since there hasn’t been a “polyamorous identity census” yet. Plus, I don’t know your definition of “common.” The good thing is, it doesn’t really matter! You are you and that’s what’s up. I do know some people who are polyflexible, or mono-poly, or whatever term you settle on, so it’s not completely unheard of.

Does it count as being poly? I don’t see why not. Remember that no one person, not even me, is the Official Gatekeeper Of Whose Identity Counts As Poly. If polyamory is part of your identity, then it’s part of your identity. If it helps you find and build relationships that are happy and healthy, great!

What you’re describing is called polyfidelity! It’s definitely a thing that happens, so it’s not unrealistic to imagine that as your ideal. All imagined ideals are, by definition, idealistic, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible! You know what you want, which is a great first step toward getting it. Find poly community, work on yourself, and find that balance of patience and proactivity!

Hi! I’m pretty young, I’ve never been in a relationship before, and I think I’m probably poly. If I do get into a relationship, how would I ask if the other person is comfortable with that and, like, if they would be interested in forming a triad? Also, do you know of any places online to meet other poly people? And do you know of any books/TV shows/movies with a poly main character? Thanks!

How would you ask? By asking! There’s no special trick to that - you just gotta take a deep breath and make the words come out. “Hey, the way I prefer to be in relationships looks like XYZ - how do you feel about that?” Have that conversation early on, and be upbeat but honest about what you need. Make space for them to ask questions and share their thoughts.

I have a whole FAQ page about finding poly people to date! If you’re young enough that you’re looking into colleges, consider a more liberal college known for being LGBTQ+ friendly and not sexually conservative!

Unfortunately, I have had a hell of a time finding positive, accurate representations of polyamory in fiction. (I initially thought Parks and Rec was doing it with April and her boyfriends, but they whiffed on that one pretty hard.) Your best bet for finding media with poly characters is Poly In The Media, a really well curated blog. Here is a Goodreads list of books and an IMDB list of movies with poly relationships, but I can’t vouch for any of them in particular.

hello! I’ve been in a mono relationship for two years now with a boy I’m head over heels for. Recently within the last month or so, my boyfriends friend admitted he also had feeling for me for a while. After asking about it with my boyfriend we agreed to try a poly relationship. We’ve had some bumps in the road but it seemed as though things were going well until my boyfriend recently admitted that he feels distant from me and it hurts him to see me with his friend… I don’t know what to do now.

You’ve been trying polyamory for a month, so it hasn’t been much time - that’s a key signal that what you may be facing is something called NRE, or New Relationship Energy.

Because of how our brains work, new partners can often be more exciting or interesting than long-term partners. They’re still novel and we’re learning about them, playing the flirty new-relationship game, which takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. Because we’re not as secure in the relationship, it’s still exciting when we get a text from them. Because we don’t have a long-standing routine of being together a lot, we look forward to the next time we see them.

My recommendation is to read up about NRE and polyamory, and encourage your boyfriend to do the same. It may help him to have the reassurance that this is a known phenomenon in newly-poly arrangements. Then, see if the two of you can work together to mitigate the effect that NRE is having on you two. Go out of your way to plan special little things together or do things for each other to re-ignite the spark of NRE that you had two years ago.

If, after all this, he’s still uncomfortable, it’s his right to decide that this isn’t working out for him. But this might be a much simpler and more solvable problem!

Thanks for having this blog, as someone who is exploring their sexuality, it means a lot to have a resource like this. Also, (stupid question you run this blog so you probably are) are you poly? And if you have any tips for your first poly relationship, please do share them!

I am polyamorous! I have been practicing polyamory for about eight years now, but I believe that it has always been part of who I am and how I experience my relationships and sexuality.

You can find lots of stuff on my FAQ page, especially the “how can I learn more about polyamory?” section, which includes lots of other resources that include “intro to poly” or “poly 101″ sections.

My two biggest tips would be:

Communicate. There is never a good enough reason not to openly talk about something. “It’ll be awkward” or “I wish they knew without me having to tell them” or “I want things to happen organically” are not good reasons! Take a deep breath, open your mouth, and speak your truth! If someone gets upset with you for clear and honest communication, they’re giving you some really useful information about how safe and healthy they will or won’t be to have a relationship with.

Know thyself. If something makes you feel sad, threatened, jealous, or uncomfortable, sit with the feeling, dig into it, and figure out why. If you have a desire, a need, a curiosity, or a joy, sit with that and understand what it’s all about. Know your boundaries so you can set them. Know what you want so you can ask for it. Meditate, journal, chat with a therapist, read self-discovery books - whatever you gotta do to clearly understand who you are and what you need.

Best of luck!

I’ve always been sexually awkward, like I don’t know how to initiate anything and sometimes I think my partners are waiting for me to start something, what should i do? In the past, she has always been the one to initiate with me, and he joins in - he’s usually playing his computer games - i want to be more sexually active with them, but I’m not sure how to start anything..if that makes sense.

Communicate! Say “hey, I am working on becoming more sexually assertive and confident - can you work with me on that?” Ask them if there are things you’ve done in the past that they found sexy, and do those more! Ask them what kinds of times and situations they would really enjoy for you to initiate! Ask your partners what they find sexy, then do or wear that!

(Also, ask if this is something they want! Maybe they are okay with the fact that you don’t often initiate, either because they don’t like being come onto when they’re not in the mood; or because it fits a power dynamic in your sex life.)

Some concrete ideas:

With permission and in a secure channel, send them some erotica that you like, or if you’re feeling brave, a sexy story you wrote yourself

With permission and in a secure channel, send them some erotic pictures you like, or if you’re feeling brave, some photos of yourself

Schedule a nice evening in and do some tidying, light some candles, and basically set a ‘sexy’ stage for them to enter - you don’t always have to just find them in the house and start nibbling on their neck. You can plan ahead and say “let’s have a night in, just us, on Tuesday…I’ll get everything ready!” 

Wear something sexy (or nothing!) My partners know that certain things guys wear are huge turn-ons for me, so when they show up wearing that, it’s usually because they’re trying to get my attention ~*~in that way~*~

Suggest that you two buy a sex toy together and try it later - you can go in person or shop for it online

Hop in the shower with one of them and help them soap up

Just…go for it! Go up and kiss them, add some tongue, slide your hand somewhere fun - you are in control of your body and what you do with it, so you can take it from snuggly to sexy by putting your mouth, hands, etc. wherever you want them!

Note that it is always okay for people to turn down sex - if you initiate and they go “not right now, I’m sorry!” that is okay! It doesn’t mean you are unattractive or did something wrong - it’s a risk that comes with being the initiator. Be smart and sensible (do not go grabbing someone’s fun bits while they’re trying to chop veggies with a sharp knife or climb on top of someone when they’re late to work), and just let things unfold!

small programming note

i really don’t have an issue about who interacts with or reblogs my content. i recognize that posting stuff online means any person with any kind of blog is free to reblog, like, and look at my stuff!

that said, this blog is firmly, aggressively, non-negotiably anti “pro-ana” and “thinspo,” and any blogs that promote, encourage, or teach self-destructive thoughts and behavior. body-shaming, intentionally triggering content is dangerous to you and other people and will be reported on sight.

it’s your right to read my blog, and i don’t police or block followers unless someone goes out of their way to get my attention (usually by commenting or messaging) - but if i do notice your blog, and it’s a dangerous violation of the tumblr Community Guidelines, i’ll report it.

if you’re reading this and you’re someone who posts or looks at “pro-ana” content, please know that this is only making you feel worse, and there is help and hope available to feel better. 

Hi there.. im not polyamorous, but i hope you will help me anyway. My bf and I have been together for about 2 years, but im struggling with wether or not to stay with him or not. I love him, hes my first bf (im 19) but sometimes i just dont feel like i wanna be with him. I dont miss him when hes not there, and i get really annoyed sometimes when he says some things. We also dont really match and we’re so different. But at the same time i really struggle with letting him go…i just dont know what to do

My friend, LEAVE THIS GUY! You didn’t name one thing that makes you happy about him, one thing he adds to your life. Don’t get stuck in “relationship inertia” where the effort it would take to break up makes you go “enh, not worth it.”

Very few people stay with their first partners, and very few people spend their lives with the person they’re with at 19. You are way too young to be passing the days miserably with someone who doesn’t match what you’re looking for an annoys you. Sometimes we get so caught up in the idea of having a partner that we feel like a mediocre one is better than none. That is a lie! Leave this dude and free yourself up for solo adventures and a better partner for you on down the line.

“This just isn’t working for me” is a totally fine reason to end a relationship. He doesn’t have to be a bad guy to be a bad partner for you specifically. You don’t need to have a spectacular fight or prove in some cosmic court that he’s a bad guy. If you’re not feeling it, leave!

Plus, it’s not really fair to stay with him for no good reason if you don’t really like him - set him free so he can find his match. You two don’t work well together, and that is totally fine. End this relationship!

Think about why you’re struggling with letting him go - is it a feeling of obligation to him, a fear or being alone, not wanting to face the drama and hassle of a breakup? Whatever it is, find ways to work through that reasoning - read some girl-power self help books, chat with a life coach or therapist, get advice from someone in your life that you trust - and then get out of there!

Im 23 years old, Im genderqueer and pan. I was just invited into a relationship with one girl, a nonbinary person, and two guys. (They all live together.) I’ve been crushing and going on random dates with the girl for a while now and she just introduced her other partners. I told them I needed a day or two to think about it and I’m seriously considering it. Do you have any advice before I go into this relationship or things I should know?

You don’t have to date three other people just because you like this girl! If this isn’t something you feel uncomfortable about, you don’t need to do it. You deserve the time and space to develop your own relationship with these other people - don’t just jump into a polyfidelitous relationship with four people because you’re into one of them.

If this sounds like a fun adventure to you, if there are no red flags, then for sure, go for it! Just take it slow and be gentle with yourself. Don’t let yourself be rushed or pressured. Maybe you won’t hit it off sexually or romantically with one of the people - don’t force it. Let those relationships be happy and healthy in their own unique ways. It’s unreasonable of the people in this quad to believe that nothing will change when you enter their dynamic, or that you will meet all of their expectations perfectly. They should make space for you!

So, there’s my advice: know and advocate for your own needs; take it slow; be gentle and patient with yourself and expect the same from them.

So my bf and I have started dating this girl, and she definitely is more sweet and affectionate towards him then she is to me, even though I’m like that towards her. It always makes me a little jealous, and I try not let it bother me because I know their relationship will be a little different, but idk I’m a really affectionate person. I don’t really want to say anything to her though because i want to be natural. Thanks!

Something you have to let go of in polyamory is this belief, or fear, that openly talking about a feeling or a desire is not “natural.” You gotta be willing to talk about this kind of stuff. It feels awkward at first, but it’s critical.

It doesn’t have to be a serious, formalized thing, though. Next time you two are alone together, you can bring it up gently and positively. “Hey, can we talk about something for a sec? I’ve noticed that you’re more touchy-feely with Morgon than me - is everything alright? What are your preferences and feelings about physical intimacy?”

Then, make space for her answer. She might be attracted to you differently, or put off by something about your way of expression affection. She might just not have noticed, or misread your signals. No matter what, the best thing to do is to have a chat about how you’re feeling, what you’ve noticed, and how you two can better communicate your needs and meet each other’s needs going forward.

Hey, I was wondering if you had any resources about dealing with insecurity, jealousy, lack of self-esteem, comparing oneself to others and such? I’m not actually poly. It’s just that I guess the people who had or have those issues and were poly must have a lot of very interesting stuff to say about it.

Boy howdy, do we!

Poly-specific resources:

A good place to start is my mental health resources page - it includes recommendations for books and some online self-help resources specifically about self esteem!

Here is the More Than Two hub on jealousy and insecurity, which includes a free ebook and a great little article about becoming a more secure person.

The Polyamorous Misanthrope has a lot of good resources, so poke around that blog as well! Here’s one of their pieces on overcoming insecurities.

The Polyamory Society Self-Improvement Program includes a section on positive self-affirmation and another on fighting self-defeating or negative messages.

Patheos ran an article about self-love and polyamory, and Psychology Today has a piece on managing jealousy in polyamory.

General resources:

I cannot recommend enough the work of Brene Brown, specifically Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection. 

Because we live in the future, there are tons of apps out there to help build self-esteem! Here’s a list of some, and here’s another one.

Also: therapy!!! Therapists are there for exactly this kind of issue! (You’d think I get kickbacks from the rich and powerful therapy mafia for how often I say this, but sadly that is not a real thing and I don’t make any money off this blog.)

Help! My husband has been turning down sex. I come on to him and he continually turns me down. He says he’s just not in the mood. Should I be worried?

Is he going through a period of extra stress - something at work, something with his family, something with his health? That can impact libido a lot. If there’s something that’s making him stressed out and exhausted, try and partner with him to support him through that.

Has this been going on for a while? If it’s a short blip, it might be worth waiting out. Everyone’s sex drive ebbs and flows, and most couples go through periods of having less sex. If it’s going on for long enough that you’re concerned, that’s different.

Try gently chatting with him - not in an accusatory or angry way, just a “hey, you haven’t seemed too into sex lately, everything okay?” If he shrugs it off, you can say something like “I would like to be having more sex, so is there anything I can work with you to solve or improve?”

Sometimes things just fade after a while, but that’s not a death knell for your sex life. Maybe it’ll take a bit more effort to reignite the spark - a weekend away together to a cozy b&b, a shopping trip to a sex store, a private text app where you send each other written fantasies, whatever. Also, try mojo upgrade!

positivity post!

i’m trying to do more of these - i always love getting fanmail and happy messages. i never used to post them before, but the world is just so sad and scary these days that i figured why not spread the love?

when you see this, tell someone something nice! a coworker, a blogger you follow, someone from your past you’ve been meaning to re-connect with, whoever.

also, i’d like to go on record stating that this blog loves steven universe and thinks everyone should watch it forever. please always feel free to use SU character names instead of letter initials in your questions!

I love you even more now for making that Steven Universe reference! :D

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Just wanted to say I think this blog gives great advice. I’m beginning to think of myself as a polyamorous person, and it’s nice to see such a caring community helping people understand and navigate their relationships. No response is required, just saying thanks for doing what you’re doing.

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thanks for cultivating such a supportive helpful and healthy blog, it feels like it would be necessary to help people navigate non-monogamy, so I’m glad you’re doing it

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I love your blog, it is very helpful and you do a great job running it! :)